Resolution Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

My resolution this year is the same as last year.

1920x1080

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

What resolution does a racist shoot his videos in?

3K

Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.

Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.

I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what.

It's my new year resolution.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds

Only 13 more to go

Im so poor...

That my new years resolution is 144p

My New Year's Resolution was to stop masturbating

Well I guess there's always next year

I'm doing well on my New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds

I only have 15 more to go.

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

Are you a new years resolution?

Cuz I could see myself doing you for a month or two

What was the console gamer's New Years Resolution?

1280x720

My new year's resolution is to be more assertive...

...if that's OK with you guys?

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

I asked a nerd what his New Year's resolution was.

He said, "1920x1080".

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution

My new year resolution is

1024x768.

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

3840x2160

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go.

I came up with my New Year's resolution. I will be more of an optimist

But I know that won't happen. Something will go wrong, and I'll fail.

For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more weed.

But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.

10 things for my new years resolution:

1. Stop being lazy.

My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow.

My New Year's resolution for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds.

Only 12 more to go.

What to Wear

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi. 'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?' The rabbi responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

Hello, Im here to subscribe to the gym

+Hello, I'm here to subscribe to the gym
-Are you here because of a New Year Resolution?
+Yes
-We have a one day plan, it includes 4 selfies in the weight lifting area
+Perfect

My new years resolution is to lose my virginity

I think its time after 85 years

My New Years Resolution

New Year's resolution- Date more models.

Revised- Date more.

Revised again- Get a date.

Revised one last time- Stop crying while masturbating.

Wife just got me a new tv for Christmas!

Looks like my New Years resolution is 1080.

For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m.

It's a decent resolution.

A little late to the party here, but for my New Year's resolution, I decided to dedicate more time to my step machine.

I never knew my real machine. 😒

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

My dad told me his New Years resolution was to embrace his mistakes.

He hugged my sister and I :(

Why were the console wars started?

Because neither side could find a clear resolution

What do you call it when you can't see your skin?

Pore resolution

Whats a low-end PC's New Years Resolution?

800x600

My 2018 New Year's resolution is to procrastinate this year.

This is my most successful resolution so far.

A New Years Resolution is..

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

I've been reading so much about alcohol being really bad for you. So I've decided on my New Year's Resolution...

No more reading!

My New Year's Resolutions

320 x 320

800 x 600

1440 x 900

1920 x 1080

Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions

Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.

Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!

Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...

Man #2: I'm not.

Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?

Man #2: I was talking about your wife

Why do smart people wear glasses?

Because as resolution goes down performance goes up.

This is a little bad but....

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

My new years resolution........

Hopefully 4k 55''

New Years Resolutions

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"

I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex."

"Oh great!" my wife sighed.

"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

My new years's resolution was to lose 10lbs

Only 14 more to go!

[OC] Alright, here's my new year's resolution...

Stop being late

My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs.

Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?

My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution

Nope, I'm still working here

New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don't care what everyone else at the gym says.

My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.

I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.

My big New Years resolution is to…

…get a 4K TV.

Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution

Bone-less turkey

My New Years resolution for 2018 is...

My New Year's resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants

Roll on 2018

I was trying to fix a problem with my DNS

But I couldn't come to a resolution

It's a little late for a New Year's resolution, But I think it's for the better.

I've decided to go full Vegan. I won't be eating animals anymore. *Just* Vegans.

My New Year's Resolution is to stop making commitments that I can't follow through with.

I guess I already failed.

The New Year's Resolution of an ADHD

AD4K

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

What is every gamers New Years Resolution?

3840x2160

Last year I was quite miserable and depressed, so I made it my new year's resolution to turn that around.

Thanks 2016, you helped me achieve my goal and made me depressed and miserable.

How to quit smoking

Friend: My new year resolution for 2018 is to quit smoking.
Me: That's great, I might have a tip for you.
Friend: What is it? Most tips online don't seem to work for me.
Me: It's pretty simple actually. Try to limit your smokes to only after sex. As you get older, you'll smoke less and less.
Friend: Has it worked for you?
Me: I don't smoke, but my wife has quit smoking ever since we've been married.

My New Years resolution is to be more assertive!

If that's okay with you guys.

My new years resolution was to lose 10 pounds.

I only have 30 pounds to go!

iPhone 7 is revolutionary!

β€’no headphones jack
β€’no wireless charging
β€’no curved screen
β€’no 4K resolution (or even full HD) screen
β€’no VR headset support
β€’no 360 camera support
β€’no expansion storage slot

It is true revolution in scamming people to upgrade from old iPhones!

My New Year's resolution

is 1920 x 1080!

My resolution for 2018 is to stay in shape

Lucky for me, round is a shape

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

A boyfriend and a girlfriend are taking on New Year's Eve

Girlfriend: What'cha doin'?

Boyfriend: Watching the ball drop on my laptop.

Girlfriend: Cool. What's your New Year's resolution?

Boyfriend: 1080p

What's a white supremacist's favorite resolution?

3k

My new year's resolution...

2K, and 16 extra pixels.

For my New Year's Resolution I've decided only to smoke after having sex.

If 2014 is anything to go by, I've quit.

My New Year's resolution is to give up club sandwiches.

But I don't think I can give up cold turkey.

I've read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently.

That's why I made a new, firm New Year's resolution: NO MORE READING!

They asked me my New Year's resolution...

I said 1440p.

Making a New Years resolution to not shart myself

I hope I can keep the streak going

What was the overzealous priest's new year's resolution?

To exorcise more.

Went to see the new " pixels " movie but

The resolution was bad

My New Year's resolution is to cut back on my drinking...

One fifth a day, max.

My New Year's resolution is to have Faith and Hope...

It'll be a great threesome.

2017 New Years Resolution

First step: write down the resolu

What are the funniest resolution jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Resolution? Well, here are the best Resolution puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Resolution pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes