Residents Jokes
59 residents jokes and hilarious residents puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about residents that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Residents Short Jokes
Short residents jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The residents humour may include short residence jokes also.
- The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... "Hail, Satan"
- Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio. Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
- Only 4 percent of Texas residents think there is an immigration problem... The other 96% said "que dijo?"
- The day my wife found out she was pregnant, everything changed... My name, my phone number, my address, and my country of residence.
- Why are Chernobyl residents smarter than the average person? Because 2 heads are better than one.
- I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited. Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.
- We've had about 7 or 8 Resident Evil games so far... when do we get our first Attending Physician Evil?
- In the Resident Evil series, how does one make a proper Jill Sandwich? You put it between two slices of Breadfield and then add some Weskershire sauce.
- Hurricane Joaquin This Category 3 Storm is likely to hit the Eastern US this week.
Good news for Arizona residents: you will not be affected by Joaquin, Phoenix. - Last night Philadelphia residents climbed light poles, flipped over cars, and set dumpsters on fire Then things really got out of hand when they learned the Eagles won the Super Bowl
Share These Residents Jokes With Friends
Residents One Liners
Which residents one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with residents? I can suggest the ones about tenants and immigrants.
- How can you tell it's a Millennial nursing home? All the residents have atrophy.
- My local night club has had to fire their resident DJ Apparently he wasn't up to scratch
- Which US state is happiest to see its Japanese residents wake up? Ohio.
- What's your favorite game as a resident of Chicago? Mine is "Gunshots Or Fireworks?"
- I'm moving to Canada Where all the sorry people reside
- My humor is so dark it doesn't have a residence permit
- What is Leon's (from Resident Evil 2) favorite number? 808 (ADA WAIT!)
- Which small drink is a favorite of Minneapolis residents? Mini soda
- What is a physicist's preferred city of residence? Velo City.
- Did you know the criminal spirit resides in the middle? Center con soul
- What distinguishes the US President from your regular US resident? A big pee.
- In what country do ties reside? Tiraq!
- Who was the first resident of Massachusetts? One achusetts.
- After the Swiss Idol, After the Swiss Idol, a Bern resident was found dead in his home.
- How do you greet residents of a fracking community? What's shaking?
Laughter Residents Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about residents you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean villagers jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make residents pranks.
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
A couple at the nursing home
So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.
Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."
To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."
Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;
Apparently your cat, Flüffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.
We're sorry for your loss.
Our resident String Theorist will contact you.
He can explain everything.
8{>
Coloured Eggs
A rooster was strutting around the hen house one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow.
The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
When my dad was a doctor going through residency...
...he had this particularly notable patient.
He was asking her the usual questions:
Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No
All typical answers, until he got to his last question.
Are you s**... active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."
Real Middle-aged Texting.
Man: "Fair maiden, wherest doth thou reside on this fair evening?"
Woman: "Good sir, I am trapped within the reside of mine parents"
Man: "Oh, mine love, how I wish mineself were trapped in thine reside so I could bury my face deep within thine bossom."
Woman: "Mine parents shall rest in the hour next. Upon that time, I shall make mine escape, and help you polish your sword."
Man: "Mine sword shall stand in waiting for thine touch."
A close friend told me his wife had a hostile w**......
For some reason, he was upset when I asked if I could take up residency.
What did the Urologist tell his newly accepted resident?
u**....
A police officer knocks on a man's door.
The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.
"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.
The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."
" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"
Birthday at the old-age home
So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous b**... blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."
Shower s**... in Detroit
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had s**... in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, s**... in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.
Inmates Running the Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.
The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.
So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.
My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.
I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.
A priest has a w**... dog which he loves.
One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:
"Does anybody have a w**...?"
So all the men stood up,
"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a w**...?"
So all the women stood up
"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's w**..."
Half of the women stood up
"For god's sake has someone seen my w**...?"
All the children stood up.
Joke translated from Romanian
A police officer goes to a Romanian town and asks one of the residents:
"So, where do you brew the liquor?"
The man replies:
"See that church over there? Everywhere except there."
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
A doctor's toilet gets clogged up
He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.
Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!
Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.
A guy walks up to the Trump residence and presses the interphone...
Melania answers...
He says: Can I talk to the president?
Melania: Sorry, but mr. Trump isn't the president anymore...
He waits for a few minutes and rings again: Can I talk to the president?
Melania: Sorry, but mr. Trump isn't the president anymore...
He does this a couple of times until
Melania: Hey mister! I TOLD YOU, DONALD ISN'T THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!
Guy: I know... it just great to hear it again and again...
What did the p**... say when asked her profession and state of residence?
Idaho
President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home
After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there's a nice woman at the front desk who can tell you!"
A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.
He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man dives in and pulls the dog to safety. The German man explains he is a nearby resident who saw what was about to happen. The other man, realizing his dog will need help as soon as he can get asks,
"Are you a vet?"
The German man replies, "Vet? I am soaking!"
Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.
The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the h**... he's waiting for. Chief radios back "The floor still isn't dry..."
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Walking past a mental institution
I heard the residents chanting twelve, twelve twelve . As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting twelve, twelve, twelve I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hole and poked me in the eye. Immediately there was a roar of cheering before the residents started chanting thirteen, thirteen, thirteen .
For the couple of people that haven't seen this one yet.
Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this'
Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'
After so long of h**... being just too hot...
The inhabitants decide to steal a/c units from Heaven and install them, making the place a little more comfortable. When the inhabitants of Heaven learn what's been done, they lash out in outrage. "How dare you! We'll sue you!" they cried.
To which h**...'s residents replied: "You can try, sure, but where are you guys gonna find a lawyer?"
Three men are discussing Adam and Eve
The Frenchman says "Adam and Eve must be French. They are beautiful, and n**..., and have all the world's beauty before them."
The Englishman says "Not at all. They are residing in the most beautiful, perfect Garden. They must be English."
The Russian says "They are without clothes, they are forbidden from eating, they are talked to by snakes, and they are being told it's Heaven. They are Russian."
That restaurant...
Bob and his wife, who live in a retirement residence, are out for a stroll round the grounds one day, and meet up with their neighbour, Ted.
They exchange news, including Bob saying: "Oh hey Ted, me and the missus went to a great restaurant last night."
"Really," says Ted. What was it called?
Bob starts to reply, scratches his head, and says... uh...er...um...what's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, it's red and has thorns?"
Ted replies: rose?
"Aha," exclaims Bob, who turns to his wife and says "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
An elderly woman is moving into a retirement home
As part of the admissions process she has a check-up by the resident doctor. The doctor asks, "So have you been having any problems?"
Woman: "Well, I have noticed something unusual. I have this hole in my chest between my b**...."
Doctor: "Hmm, let me have a quick look."
The woman lifts up her blouse.
The doctor bends over to take a closer look, and she says, "Oh you really have nothing to worry about. It's just your belly button."
