Reservation Jokes

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our s**... first-timer questions.
o**... asked, "If our c**... doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

Lately, i called a chinese restaurant for a reservation

i also mentioned that i would bring my little dog.
They told me: "No outside food allowed!"

An Indian man arrives at the reception of a hotel...

An Indian man arrives at the reception of a hotel and asks for a room for the night. The receptionist says "of course, sir, do you have a reservation?"
To which he replies "I'm not that kind of Indian!"

The Super Bowl

Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."

If you were to second guess your decision on booking a trip to a Native American community...

That would be a reservation reservation reservation!

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

Kylie Jenner Walks into a restaurant

Kylie Jenner walks into a restaurant where she has made a reservation. The waiter greets her politely, and says, "Right this way Mrs. Jenner" and begins leader her to her table. "Please," she says, "Mrs. Jenner is my father. Call me Kylie.

Two Native Americans walk into a restaurant...

The concierge asks, "Do you have reservations?" One of the guys replies, "Yes; mine is in Oklahoma and his is in Arizona."

The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're n**..., and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

A car broke down on a Native Reservation...

...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."

I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists.

I'm going to call it Boko Harambe

A pharaoh makes a reservation in a restaurant:

"Can I reserve a table for two?"
"Sure just give me a name."
"Semerkhet."
"Would you spell it for me?"
"Bird, double triangle, wavy line, another bird, dog head, sun, scarab..."

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...

After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.
"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"
Putin smiled knowingly and replied: "They're not allowed to".

I was inquiring about seating for two at a new restaurant and they asked if I had reservations...

I said that I had some, but that I was willing to give it a try.

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.

Trump proposed new regulations for the airline industry...

Because even h**... didn't remove passengers with reserved seats.

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband f**....
When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:
"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

Where do they store surplus belly b**...?

The naval reserve.
^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry...

If you're going to file a lawsuit against the Federal Reserve what medicine should you take?

Sudafed

What did the Native American say when Donald Trump promised to give their land back?

"I have my reservations"

A Pharoah makes a reservation at a ski resort...

Pharaoh: I'd like to make a reservation for two please.
Attendant: Absolutely. Can I get your name please.
Pharoah: "Neferneferuaten"
Attendant: ...can you spell that out for me?
Pharaoh: Bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, more bird, flames..."

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

All the good restaurants are racist.

Apparently they only serve native americans, because every time I ask for a table they tell me I need to have a reservation.

Hello, can I reserve a table for Pharaoh Hotepsekhemwy?

Could you spell by letters, please?
Yes, sure. A bird, two triangles, a wavy line, the sun, again a bird, a dog's head, a scarab

USA is so lucky.

Wherever they start fighting terrorism, they manage to find oil reserves.

A guy walks into a hotel

He asks at the front desk for his reservation .
The manager asks about his details and then gives him the key.
The guest then takes his room key and goes into the elevator.
After half an hour he comes back and angrily complains the manger that he couldn't find his room
The manager calmly replies," Well what did you expect when you booked room 404?."

A man goes to buy a parachute

He asks the cashier,
what happens if the parachute fails to deploy?
The cashier responds: Oh, Just pull the reserve c**..., you will be fine.
The man asks again: What if the reserve c**... fails???
The cashier responds: Well, In that case bring it back and we will give you a full refund!

My Native American girlfriend was nervous the first time she invited me back to her place

She had her reservations

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're n**... and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"

A Brit, a French person and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Brit says, Look, they are so calm and reserved, they must be British.
The French person says, No, look at how beautiful they are, they must be French.
The Russian says, Are you kidding me? They have no clothes and no shelter with only an apple to eat and they're being told they live in paradise. Clearly they're Russian.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."
"They are n**... and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.
The Russian speaks up, "no clothes, no shelter, no bed, they have only an apple between them, and they're told this is paradise. They are certainly Russian."

PSA: Dad-jokes are reserved to be told actual fathers. If you don't have kids of your own…

Telling a dad-joke would be a Faux Pa

How come we call walkie-talkies "walkie talkies", but we don't call vacuums "pushie suckies"?

Because that title is reserved for wheelchair bound h**....

Santa's reindeer had an issue with their dinner reservation.

The restaurant simply refused to seat the Donner party.

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:
"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"
"Yes Captain, it's true..."
"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."
"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."
"I know..."
"Then what's the problem if I do it?"
"Because I already sold the other half."

The Federal Reserve is fighting a war against inflation

Journalists are calling it a conflict of interest

Questions

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.o**... asked: If our c**... doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground? The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: The rest of your life.

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main c**...," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve c**...."
"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main c**.... Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve c**.... Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: "I bet that bus won't be there to pick me up either."

Agreement

My wife and I have an agreement that works...
She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

I just walked into a restaurant.

They asked if I had any reservations.
I said yes, I heard the reviews were s**....

Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?

RestaurMe: No, I'm confident I want to eat here.