required Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious required puns

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record?

I said, No. Is that still required?

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When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It's a good thing my brother told me about it

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By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

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Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?

Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"

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Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

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A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

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My boyfriend's dad told us that back in his day, before required sexual misconduct training...

Harass was two words

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I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

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An old man lives in a retirement home

Unfortunately, he often would feel lonely, so he decided to enter into a casual relationship with a lady friend who lived a few rooms over. Seeing as how they were both super old, neither had much of a sex drive, nor the physical prowess required to engage in the act of love-making. Instead, some nights his lady friend would come to his room and simply hold his cock in her hand while they watched TV. One night she decided to surprise him by going over on a night she normally did not, but upon arrival she was horrified to see him laying in bed with another woman who was holding his cock while they watched TV. "Oh my god I cannot believe you! You are such an asshole and the absolute worst human being in the world! What do you have to say for yourself? What could that bitch possibly have that I don't?" The old man calmly turned to look at her and replied, "Parkinson's."

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No problems

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

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A guy 'recruits' a hiregirl, taking her to a motel where, while he was taking the required shower, she discovered that it's 'that time of the month'

'*What am I gonna do*...' she wonders. '*I already took payment.. they guy's kindda cute... even I'd like to do it... I'll just turn off the lights. He won't notice, and by the time he wakes tomorrow, I'll be long gone!*'

Done deal. After a sexstorm of a night, the guy wakes up next to a pool of blood, with the girl nowhere to be found!!

'Oh God, I must have shot her!' He checks his pistol, which still has a full clip...
'Shit, I must have cut her with my knife!' He runs to the kitchen, where the knives are all bloodfree...
'Damn, I must have cut her with a blade!' He goes into the bathroom, where the shaving kit is intact.

As he lifts his head back up, he sees himself in the mirror.

'HOLY SHIT, I ATE HER!!'

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One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

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Why didn't the polite coder get hired?

The job required SASS

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How to keep kids from acting up in class

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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A monk joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

To encourage reflection, the monks who vow silence are required to share one thought on the five-year anniversary with the head Monk.

After five years, the monk meets with the head monk and he says, "food is bland, should be spicy to engage our senses!"

Five years later, another thought, "Bed too hard, should be softer to allow easy rest to encourage restful body."

Five years later, he meets with the head Monk. "I can't take it anymore! I'm ending my vow and leaving the Monastery!"

"Good!" The head monk responds, "All you've done for 15 years is complain!"

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Why are glasses required to do math?

because you need it for davision

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Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their sponsors are.

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The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.


It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...

ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen

Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?

ABC: That's a granted.

Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?

ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?

Timmy: Are meals subsidized?

ABC: You BET.

Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?

ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.

Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?

ABC: Yes. Absolutely.

Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?


After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.

To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.

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City officials required all their male employees to socialize with male coworkers after work once a week.

They issued a government mandate.

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Why couldn't Marco Rubio register on a web forum?

The website required him to prove that he is not a robot.

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When I heard my new job required passing a drug test.....

Boy was I excited. Finally a test in a subject I know about!

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When I was a little girl, I had a unique medical condition that required me to eat play-doh three times a day to survive.

I was very lucky that my older brother informed me about it and made sure I did it, or I might not be here today.

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Poetry Contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!! How, they wondered could the red neck top that?! The clock started again and the red neck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three, we was two,
So, I bucked one and Timbuktu.

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Jesus returns to earth with a healing touch...

So jesus comes back to earth from heaven, and states he can use his healing touch to cure anyone. A priest claims to have injured his back, and with a gentle touch, his back is cured. A monk states that he is going blind in one eye, jesus in turn heals the monk. A curious rabbi observed this, and when jesus asked if he required a healing touch, he said dont touch me motherfucker im on disablity.

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NSFW: a man goes to his doctor

A very sexually active man goes to his doctor.

"Doctor, you have to help me. My penis is extremely swollen and discolored"

The doctor takes a look and tells the man an amputation is required. Horrified the man leaves and seeks a second opinion, then a third, then a fourth. Each time the same opinion.

Lost and desperate he seeks out a Chinese medicine man. The man takes a long look at the penis and says:"your penis does not need to be amputated, American doctors just want your money. Dick will fall off all by itself in a few weeks"

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Why do women fart less than men?

Because they can't keep quiet long enough to build up the required pressure

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A Former Sergeant In The Marine Corps Took A New Job As A High School Teacher

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... the rest of the year went very smoothly :)

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eat dirt...

When I was a girl I had a disease that required me to eat dirt four times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older sister told me about it.

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Why are North Koreans required to give their books to Kim Jong-un?

Because he is their Supreme Reader

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I am a victim of cyber bullying

Every day my bank emails me to notify me that my account is under the required threshold. I do not need reminders that I am poor.

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A German SS Officer back in 1940 walked into a bar and ordered a drink...

And the bartender gave him the requested drink after accepting the required currency because Nazi Germany does not have a sense of humor.

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A man had a rare disease that required his buttox to be removed

I was told after his surgery he got his ass handed to him

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Entry level position available!

3 years forklift experience required

5 years general labour required

Class 5 drivers license required

2 years kitchen experience required

4 years retail services required

2 years hospitality services required

4 years janitorial services required

3 years business degree preferred

5 years relevant experience required

$11 an hour to start(with 20ยข raise for every year of employment)

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That's it. The joke is the current hiring system of the world.

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I could easily work for EA...

I've got everything required, primarily I'm great at disappointing people.

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What are the most funny Required jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Required? Well, here are the best Required dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Required pick up lines to share with friends.

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