Requests Jokes

Following is our collection of request humor and payment one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Requests puns for adults, dirty suspend jokes or clean ask gags for kids.

There is an abundance of asked jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 52 funniest jokes on requests. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any petition witze you can hear about requests.

The Best jokes about Requests

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.

The second, I don't want to be cremated.

Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.

The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"

"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.

The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.

"Kill me first."

A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please"

The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

Requests joke

Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.

"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.

"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."

And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."

A priest asks the murderer at the electric chair....

-"Do you have any last requests?  

-"Yes,can you please hold my hand?"

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"

Requests joke

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?  

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

A rabbi is on his deathbed...

...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert.

Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?"
He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."

Three prisoners

There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted.

Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before.

The second man is released... stumbles three steps, and falls over.

The third man is released from his cell, walks out, and asks "does anyone have a lighter?"

A man finds a lamp...

A man finds a lamp lying on the beach, and when he picks it up, he is startled when a genie comes out of it. The genie intones "For granting me my freedom, sir, I will grant you one wish." The man figures that if he only gets ONE wish, he should probably use it for the greater good, and requests "Oh genie, please make the changes necessary to end world hunger." The genies agrees, and goes off to research how this might be done.

However, 24 hours later, the genie returns, saying "I'm sorry, but world hunger is just too large and pervasive an issue, this is beyond the scope of even my powers - do you have another wish?" The man thinks for a minute and states "If you can't feed the world, perhaps we can power it - can you grant me the knowledge and plans for cold fusion, so that humanity might have a cheap energy source?" The genie agrees to look into that, but 12 hours later comes back with no success - the technology is beyond what he can do using earth's modern technology.

So the man states: "If I cannot make a world-wide change, then perhaps a local one might be easier - Genie, please bring peace in the middle east." Five minutes later the genie returns, and asks "What were those first two wishes, again?"

Three blondes stuck on an island

There are three blondes stuck on an island. The blondes a find a magic lamp. Out of the lamp pops a genie who agrees to grant each of the blondes a wish.
The first blonde requests to be smarter so she can find a way off of the island. The genie grants the wish and the first blonde becomes a red head and swims off of the island.
The second blonde wishes to be smarter then the previous blonde so the genie grants the wish. The second blonde is now a brunette and makes a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde not wanting to be out done requests to be even smarter. The genie grants the wish of the final blonde and turns her into a man who procedes to walk across the bridge off of the island.

*I know it is sexist it is an old joke don't flood my inbox

A man walks into a restaurant and requests a table for one.

The host explains that the restaurant has a dress code, and men at minimum need to be wearing a tie. The man says, "Okay." and walks back out to his car to see if he has a tie in his back seat from the work week. He's looking and looking and can't find one. He pops the trunk and even searches in there. He still can't find a tie but finds his jumper cables. So he puts the jumper cables around his neck and ties them in a Windsor knot and walks back inside.
"So can I have a table now?" the man asks.
The host replies, "Alright, sir, that'll work for tonight. But if I seat you, please don't try to start anything."

Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods...

It could be spam.

So a guy buys a TV on finance from a local shop...

However, he didn't pay any money for it at all. Countless warnings were sent to him, telling him that he must pay for the TV in the instalments agreed to, or they would seize the TV.

The warnings came to no avail. The guy was called upon by the courts to explain why he had not responded to the payment requests.

The judge asked How can you explain why you ignored these letters? .

The man replied Well, judge. The contract stated that I didn't have to pay any interest at all for 6 months.

The Bravest Football Fan

Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is illegal. They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one request. When brought before the torturer, the Arsenal fan requests to have 3 pillows strapped to his back. After 15 hits, the pillows are completely gone, leaving the man with 35 more unprotected hits. The Chelsea fan requests to have 6 pillows strapped to his back. After 30 hits, the pillows are in shreds and he endures 20 more hits. The torturer takes a look at the Manchester United fan and says "You look like a brave man, I have decided to take mercy on you and give you an extra wish". Upon hearing this, the Manchester United fan smile and asks for four times as many hits. The torturer looks at him in awe and says "I was right, you are a brave man, now what is your second wish?". The Mabchester United fan smirks and says "I' like a Chelsea fan strapped to my back."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in.

The Englishman requests a year's supply of cigarettes, so he's given the cartons and he too is locked up.

When it's time to let them out, they open the Scot's door, he stumbles out shouting "FREEDOM!" before he collapses and dies of alcohol poisoning.

Paddy is dragged out into the light, where he soon dies of a busted liver.

When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everyone waits eagerly to see what sort of state he's gotten himself into. To their surprise, he walks right out, scoots up to the nearest person and asks, "I say, you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?"

A man, who usually gets drunk, walks into a bar...

...and requests the bartender for two beers.

"Can I have 2 beers for the fight" - says the man.

The bartender gives him the beers, and he drinks them.

Here he goes again: "Can I have 2 extra beers for the fight" - he says again.

Again, the confused bartender gives him the beers, and the man again drinks them. But he wants a couple more, so, he goes again:

"Can I have 2 more beers for the fight" - he says, mid drunk.

But the angry bartender can't stand anymore, and says:

"I'm tired. What fight do you want the beers for?"

**"The one that you and me are going to make because I have no money"**

I saw a girl busking today.

She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement.

However, they are allowed to have *one* form of luxury for their sentence.

The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes.

20 years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the wardens, "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *lawyer*!"

The second man looks equally proud. "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *doctor*," he remarks.

The third man shuffles out of his cell, looking extremely disgruntled. With a very annoyed tone, he says "Does anyone have a match?"

Last requests

After I die, I have 2 requests on what shall happen to me.

1) I want my remains spread around Disney world.

2) I do not wish to be cremated

Smart Blond Joke

A very wealthy blond woman enters a bank in Manhattan and requests to take out a small loan, which she intends to pay off in two weeks.

She foregoes some of the paperwork for financials, instead offering her brand new Bentley as collateral.

The bank manager approves the loan, takes possession of the car and in two weeks, the blond returns, pays the very small loan off which incurred almost no interest.

He's perplexed and also had learned that she had accounts with the bank with a small fortune so he asked why she took out the loan.

She replied well I went on vacation and needed a safe, free place to park the Bentley for two weeks. Where else in NYC can you do that?

Three men were sentenced to death.

The day of their execution arrives, the first man was hanged but fortunately the rope loosens and he fells into the water below the platform. The same happens with the second man. It was now the turn of the third man, but before reaching to the pole he requests the person in charge, "You better tighten that rope of yours because I don't know how to swim."

Jewish Joke

Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone has to die I would rather it be one of them".

A man is walking in a desert for several days.

Clearly he's dehydrated and on the brink of death. A tie salesman happen to find him and the man requests water.

"I have no water but I can sell you this tie for $15"

"I want no tie I need water I've been here for days!"

"How about $10?"

"Please I just need some water"

"Last offer! $5 dollars for a tie"

"I just need some water"

"Ok, ok clearly I see you suffering. There's a restaurant a mile north from here"

When the man gets there he asks a waitress for some water. the waitress replies
"I'll be happy to help you but you need a tie for any service"

So there are two blondes stranded on an island....

One of them finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. He says, "I shall grant you each one wish". The blonde who rubbed the lamp requests a cell phone to call for help, however, it was useless because there was no reception on the island. The second blonde said, "I want to be smarter than this other blonde!" So, the genie pointed her to the bridge.

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,

"I have to admit, these bagels are really delicious! We don't have bagels like this in Germany."

"Well," the intern replies, "whose fault is that?"

How do you process a queue of table delete requests for an asynchronous database?

Pop, Lock & Drop It

A scientist is doing some tests on an ant ...

... And he asks the ant to jump. "Jump!," he says.

And the ant jumps.

He writes in his notebook, "Ant responds well to being asked to jump."

Then, he cuts off one of the ant's legs and says, "Ant, jump!"
...and the ant jumps!
He writes in his notebook, "When an ant has 5 legs, it will still jump."

Then, he cuts off another of the ant's legs and says, "Ant, jump!" ... and the ant jumps! Quite impressed, the scientist writes in his notebook, "Incredible! When an ant has 4 legs, it will still jump!"

He proceeds to cut off each leg and asks it to jump, which to his surprise, the ant still manages to do with ease. The scientists records all of these findings.

Eventually, he cuts the last leg off the ant. "Ant, jump!," he requests.

... The ant does not move.

Mr. Scientist, happy to have reached a conclusion, writes in his journal: "Once an ant has had all of its legs cut off, it becomes deaf."

I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field.

\#2. I don't want to be cremated first.

A convicted murderer is sentenced to death by the electric chair.

As is customary, the executioners have a priest brought in.

"Any last requests?" asks the priest.

"Yes," says the murderer, "can you please hold my hand?"

A man rushes into a bar,

he orders up two shots of bourbon. As soon as the bartender puts them in front of him, the guy slams them down his throat.
"Two more!", the man requests.
The bartender, frowning, pours two more shots. Immediately the man downs both.
"Keep 'em coming - TWO MORE!", he demands.
The bartender advises, "You should slow down there buddy?"
The man replies, "Hey! If you had what I have, you'd be drinkin' this way too!"
The bartender, embarrased, apologizes pouring two more, "I'm sorry man. What have you got?"

The guy explains, "A buck-fifty"

I have two requests for my funeral

1) be scattered at Disney Land
2) not to be cremated

So I was at the strip club the other day, and the dancer comes over, takes my glasses, and goes back to dancing on stage.

No big deal. She then comes back, puts my glasses on me, and requests that I tip her. I refused, she asked why, and I told her "You stole my glasses, I couldn't see anything".

[Joke Request]: Death of Wife

I don't often see joke requests on here, so I'm not sure how kosher this is, but I'm looking for a very specific type of joke and was hoping you guys could help.

The basic premise is that a man's wife dies, his buddy empathizes and feels sorry for him, assuming that the man is sad, but the punchline reveals in some way that the man is quite content with the outcome (or something along those lines).

I know there are a million of these, with all sorts of different contexts and punchlines. But my mind is blanking and google hasn't helped.

A 86 year old virgin woman dies.

In her will she requests the following to be engraved on her tombstone:
"Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin."
But that was too long so instead they put:
"Returned unopened"

When I get a lot of Myspace requests

my fax machine goes crazy.

A guy walks up to the DJ at a high school homecoming

(Shouting over the loud bass)"Do you take requests?"
"Please stop"

[Joke Requests] Im going as santa to a christmas party tonight and I need some good one-liners and jokes!

Im not looking for long winded jokes that have a punch line, more just quick witted (Some corny, some not) jokes to say. Somewhat along the lines of "can santa get some ho ho hos?" or stuff like that.

Son hates school...

A mother walks in Monday morning and shakes her son to wake up for school.

The son turns over pulling the blanket and groans "I don't want to go to school!"

The mother insists, "Why don't you want to go to school?"

"Everyone hates me! I don't want to go to school!" he cries.

"Well, that's unfortunate. You need to go to school.", the mother states again

"Give me one good reason why I need to go to school!", the son requests.

"...You gotta go to school cuz you're the principal!"

A pirate walks into a bar...

...and requests a grog of ale.

"Sure thing pal," says the bartender. But he sees the pirate has his ship's wheel stuck in his pants. "Mr. Pirate," he says, "you do realize your wheel is in your pants?"

The pirate looks at the bartender with a fury-induced bloodshot eye that held years of rage. "'s driving me *nuts*!"

A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...

when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".

Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn't want anyone to know he's saying it so

He requests eminemity.

Asked my ex-husband once for song requests. He said he wanted to hear the sound of silence.

So I sang, "Hello darkness, my old friend...."

I was in a highbrow bar at the Ritz Carlton, and their Pianist was asking folks for requests.

I said to him, "Can you play an Etude by Chopin?"

He replied, "Which one?"

I responded, "The composer."

An Husband's Final Request

At the end of Sunday Mass, a Priest notices an elderly woman sobbing in a pew. Worried about her, he approaches and asks,

"Is everything okay, my child?"

"Oh Father, not entirely. My husband passed away last night."

The Priest sits beside her and takes her hand. "That's terrible news. Did he have any last requests?"

"He did, Father. Just one."

"Oh? What was it?"

"He asked me, 'Mary, please put down that gun.'"

Does this sub take requests? Please share your favorite Chuck Norris joke!

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

Chuck Norris and Superman fought once and placed a bet on the outcome. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside!

An irish man requests a guiness

"One Guiness please"

-*"You must be Irish"*

"What, just because I ordered a Guiness? If I ordered a big mac would you think I was American?"

-*"Um, Sir.."*

If I ordered a tortilla would you think I was mexican?! Racist scum!"

-*"But.. sorry sir.. This is a library."*

Death row inmate requests steak for final meal

They are on suicide watch, so orders are spoons only

The guards don't give a fork

Requests for balloon animals in parties

are almost always inflated

A survey revealed those who live on hills are more likely to say Yes to requests than those who live on plateaus.

I'm inclined to agree.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes