request Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious request puns

I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

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A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other

Retards

/u/TheDarkKn1ght

(First post to this community, please be kind)

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Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

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Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

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So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".

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The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

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A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing


The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

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Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...

she exclaims, "Some asshole's got my pen!"

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

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A letter to Keyboard Manufacturers

Dear Keyboard Manufacturers,

I'm writing to request a redesign so that 'g' and 't' wouldn't be right next to each other.

Retards,

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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

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The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."

They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.

For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"

The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."

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"What does she have that I don't?" (Slightly NSFW)

Two patients at an old age home home (let's call them John and Mary), have always been close to one another. One day John tells Mary,

"Since we are such close friends, I hope that you aren't embarrassed by this request. My penis is feeling awfully numb and I was hoping that you would hold it for me."

Mary replies, "Of course, John"
She takes his junk in her hand and they sit there doing nothing else. Over the next few weeks this becomes a regular event. One day Mary finds another woman holding John's penis for him. She is outraged.

"After all this time you replace me so easily with this woman!" she cries.

"What does she have that I don't?".

John smiles at her.

"Parkinson's" he replies.

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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit

After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"

The moose says "Yeah, I guess you're right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I've never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?"

The wolf says "Of course"

So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.

The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says "I don't even know why the hell I looked. I can't even read."

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LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a used tampon out of his cloak pocket replies "Can't a guy just enjoy a GODDAMNED TEA!?"

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A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.

A woman, asks the Frenchman.

A telephone, says the Jew.

A cigarette, says the Polack.

Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.

The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.

The Polack walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?

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A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."

The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please."

For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and exclaims, "Jane works here???"

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Preacher

A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.

No, I wouldn't, he said.

She said, I sell tampons.

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, See, I knew you would laugh.

That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!

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Dying request

Captain of a big passenger jet comes over the loud speaker and says, "We are going down, we have 5 min to live and there is nothing we can do."
Everyone on the plane is in utter disbelief so much that no one speaks, but one lady in economy class stands up and yells, "I want someone to make me feel like a woman, a real woman!"
A posh good looking gent from first class stands up. He has cuff links and could be on the cover of GQ. He begins to unbutton his shit as he walks to the back of the plane where the lady is standing.
He has finally reached this lady who is undoubtable pleased with her last minute decision to announce her dying request, the man is beautiful.
The handsome man says, "Iron my shirt"

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[THIS IS A REQUEST; DO NOT UPVOTE] Does anyone have a joke where the audience of the joke says the punchline?

If this isn't the right place for this, kindly redirect me.

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Tiger Wood's wedding day.

On Tiger's wedding day he approaches his wife and asks a favour of her. He says to her 'as long as we are married you cannot look in this cardboard box'. Being her wedding day she agrees to the strange request without hesitation.

5 years later his wife is cleaning the house when she stumbles across the box and curiosity gets the better of her and she peeks inside. She finds 3 crushed beer cans and $1000 in cash.

At dinner that night she asks Tiger about the box. he replies 'well I suppose you deserve to know every time I cheated on you I put a can in the box' she replies 'well considering your sex addiction I guess I can forgive you for 3 times but why the money?'

'Well' he replied 'every time the box got full I cashed it in'

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I got arrested at a hospital yesterday.

Apparently, the stroke patient sign is not a request one.

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Cyanide please

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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An dying man's last wish...

An elderly man on his death bed tells his wife "Honey, I want you to promise me that when I go you will put all my money in the casket with me." Reluctantly, his wife agrees and assures him she will uphold her promise.

After the funeral, the women tells her friend about her husband's odd request - "You know, he made me swear to bury all our money with him". The friend replies, "That's crazy! I can't believe you would actually do that". And the elderly woman says "Don't worry...I wrote him a check".

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Blind man sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."

The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please."

For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and says, "Jane works here???"

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Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car

The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.

Guy: I would like to buy a car.

Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.

Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?

Clerk: Huh? what difference does it make, itΒ΄s 10 years from now?

Guy: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.

Credit goes to Ronald Reagan

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An American POW was being held in Germany...

Both of his arms were injured during the fighting and the Nazis amputated one.

"Can you drop my arm over allied territory for my wife?" The soldier asked.

The doctors obliged.
A few days later the other arm became infected and they amputated that one.

"Can you drop it over allied territory for my wife?" He asked again.

The doctors met his second request.

A few weeks later, the soldier's leg got smashed in the work camp and had to be amputated.

"Can you drop my leg over allied territory for my wife?" He asked.

"Nein!" The doctors told him. "We cannot do this any more!"

"Why not?"

"We think you're trying to escape!"

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A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and provides the Texan with a drink of water. Israel is not a particularly large country and has a fairly large population, so the individual farmsteads are rather small. Noticing this, and feeling friendly, the Texan talks a bit.

'Back in a Texas, I'm a farmer too, although it's a bit different there. If I climb in my truck early in the morning and drive until noon across my property, I'm not even halfway across. If I keep driving until the sun sets, I'll have only reached the other end of my property, and I'll have to camp out and drive back the next day'

The Israeli farmer nods before responding

'I once had a truck like that'

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Indian Style?

A Canadian Indian picks up a hooker.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've

had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'

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A guy walks into a bar...

...and tells the bartender "Give me anything but a Budweiser." So the bartender hands him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.

Next day, man comes in and says "Give me anything but a Budweiser." Bartender gives him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.

Next day, he comes back with the same request. The bartender is obviously very curious at this points. So he asks "What is the problem with Budweiser?"

The man answers "Well, I once drank 20 Budweisers, went home, and blew chunks."

The bartender laughs and says "That would happen to anyone after drinking 20 of any beer."

The man looks around sheepishly and whispers "Chunks is my dog's name."

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A woman is marrying a sailor

Before the wedding night her father warns her

"Now lass, when you get to bed tonight he might demand it 'the other way around'"

"What do you mean" she asks but he tells her she'll find out soon enough.

The wedding night comes and goes without the groom asking for it the other way around and through 10 years of marriage still no request. Finally the woman can contain her curiosity any longer and says to her husband

"Would you like it 'the other way around' tonight?"

To which he replies

"What - and risk you getting pregnant?"

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THE TASTEFUL BLIND MAN

A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange request to his waiter. He asked if he could have the unwashed fork of the last customer the waiter waited on. The perplexed waiter agreed and handed the blind man the unwashed fork. The blind man proceeded to put it in his mouth and said, "Hmmm, the meatloaf and mashed potatoes are good here. I'll have that."
The next day, the blind man returned to the diner and did the same thing. Now, on the third day, the waiter saw the blind man coming into the diner. He still didn't believe what the blind man was capable of, and he wanted to trick him. So he quickly grabbed a fork and asked his waitress wife, Jane, to pull down her panties and rub it between her legs.
When the blind man asked for the fork, the waiter gave him the fork with a big smile on his face.
The blind man put it in his mouth, and said, "Hmmm, I didn't know Jane worked here."

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What are the most funny Request jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Request? Well, here are the best Request dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Request pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes