Repost Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here.

A pirate goes to a doctor...

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.

"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."

The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5

So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq

They call it the Sims

Note: this technically a repost

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

Scientists have deciphered hieroglyphics thought to be 5,500 years old. The first full sentence says

"This is a repost."

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."

David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Offensive (possible repost but I made it up myself)

A pedophile drives up to his friend in a van and says "I'll trade you two fives for a ten".

What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician

Sherlock Ohms

(sorry if this is repost, I thought of it in class)

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job?

It was all over the news!

(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)

I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.

*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"

Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."

Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."

"What do you say when they're ugly?"

"He looks just like his mother!"

If I had $1 for every repost in this sub...

I'd have the same dollar given to me over and over again.

I was going to repost this really condescending joke I read, but...

you guys didn't get it last time, and probably wont get it this time either.

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don't know, but at least it isn't a repost

A Bee on a Fly

(Disclaimer) this is a repost from something I saw a long time ago, so if someone could get a source that'd be very cool

A bee is riding on the back of a fly. The fly turns around, and asks, hey, are you a bee?
In which the bee replies, I might bee.

The fly then says, dude, that's the worst pun I have ever heard.

The bee responds, I know man, I made it up on the fly.

Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...

Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.

Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time licking himself.

Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Chong replies, "well... maybe you should try to pet him first, man."

So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)

...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."

The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."

Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."

This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."

Tiger Woods playing golf.

Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.

Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.

A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"

If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country.

Not a political repost I'm just getting deported

Re-post but one of my all time favorites (somewhat altered)

One day a father and his two daughters, Petal and Fridge, were having a picnic. Petal curiously asks her father; "Daddy, why is my name Petal?" to which he replies; "Well honey on the day you were born a petal from a beautiful flower slowly fell through the air and landed right on your forehead. Your mother and I thought the name fit you perfectly." Then Fridge asks; "BRAW WAW AAWWW OOWWW AHH AAWA?"

A New Study Conducted on Asians (A joke I came up with,but still not sure if a repost)

A new study conducted on Asians shows that the long held to be true stereotype is partially false. In fact, only 50% of Asians have small penises.

The other 50% are women.

A young couple is out carousing one evening...(could be repost)

While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

When a woman wears a bikini, she has 90 percent of her body exposed

Men, being the gentleman that we are, only look at the other 10 percent. (Hopefully not a repost)

A man walks into a costume party

Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.

A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"

"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.

"And who is this on your back?"

"Oh, that's just Michelle."

(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)

You know your life sucks...

when your job sucks, your car sucks, your house sucks, but your wife doesn't.

- Sorry if it's a repost.

Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)

One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A NAKED LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool naked.
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a naked lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person naked I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.

My (second) favorite joke of all time (sorry if repost)

So two guys are walking their dogs one day, one has a German Shepherd the other has a Chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with the German Shepherd turns to the guy with the Chihuahua and asks if he wants to go in for a drink. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You're crazy, they'll never let dogs into the bar." to which the guy with the German shepherd replies, "No no, watch this."
He pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses, puts them on and walks into the bar, acting as if his German Shepherd is a seeing eye dog. He goes up to the counter, asks for a drink and the bartender gets it for him no problem.
So the guy with the Chihuahua pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses, puts them on and walks in, acting like his Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog. The guy asks for a drink and the bartender replies, "I'm sorry sir there are no dogs allowed in this bar."
"Hey man, it's a seeing eye dog, c'mon."
The bartender looks skeptically down at the Chihuahua and asks, "A Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?"
The guy pauses for a second then exclaims, "Wait, they gave me a *Chihuahua?!?*"

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?

Because women have no rights.

*Sorry of this is rude/offensive and if its a repost, I just wanted to share.*

Dear John Revenge (Sorry if repost)

Again, sorry if this is a re post but I love it!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:





Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
f--- you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

I know this is probably a repost and I'm sorry, but I had to write this joke again.

This joke again.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 jokes and another 2 jokes, and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get twelve from?!"

Johnny: "Because I would repost them!"

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: He's in a cent

Judge: You're going to jail with him



^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean

What happens when you put Nutella on Salmon?

You get salmonella
Sorry if it's a repost. My friends just told me it:)

To the guy that's bad at building fences...

Oops, wrong place for this post.

Figured i'd put it in the right place and re-post it for you.

How do you call a bouncy airplane?

A Boing.

P.S. I came up with this on my own, yet have a feeling it mist've been here already, so please tell me if it's a repost. Thanks!

How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three.
One to screw in the lightbulb. The second to tell you they are vegans.
The third because I don't want this to be a repost.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders one pint, the second one also orders 1 pint (astonishing the barman because he thought it was a repost), the third orders 1/2 a pint, the fourth orders 1/6th of a pint, the fifth orders 1/24th of a pint and so on. The bartender sees where this is going and says, "I'm all out of alcohol tonight, but I figure this might help you.", as he scribbled a number on a paper and passed it.

As the first mathematician dialled '27182-81828' and called the number, a voice picked up on the other side, "Hello, this is Descartes Lubricants, how can I help you?". Then they realised.

The barman had given them the Oiler's Number.

Lawyer Joke(Not sure if repost)

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor...

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything".


Sorry if this is a repost. Saw it on an IMDb movie discussion thread a while back, thought it was pretty good

Testicles. (Not sure if a repost, found this joke on a fb page)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results -back?

Blonde Joke

Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?

Because blonde guys aren't smart either (Sorry if it's a repost.)

Don't ever buy flowers from monks.

Only you can prevent florist friars.

(Sorry if repost.)

If I got a dollar every time a joke was reposted

Somebody would repost this joke and be richer than me

Teach a man to joke and he'll be funny for a lifetime,

tell a man a joke and he'll repost it every day.

Hitler walks into a room... (sorry if repost)

...and says to his staff, "I want you to organise the execution of 10,000 Jews and 1 kitten."
Everyone looks around the table and after a long silence, Goering pipes up, "Mein FΓΌhrer, why do you want to kill a kitten?"
Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table, "You see, no one cares about the Jews."

Blonde Convention

(*I heard this from a friend, sorry if it is a repost.*)

A group of blonde people decided to get together and hold a blonde convention to prove that blondes aren't dumb. They invited all the blonde people in the area.

In the middle of the event, they chose one random person from the crowd to answer questions, to prove she could answer them as well as anybody else.

"What is twelve plus three?" asked the interviewer.

"Nineteen," she responded. The interviewer felt very uncomfortable, however, the crowd was still supportive. To help get the girl's confidence back up, they shouted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

"I'm going to ask you another question," said the interviewer. "What is ten times five?"

The blonde was sure she would get it right this time. "Sixty!" she said.

The interviewer shook her head, but again, the crowd cheered, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The interviewer said, "I'm going to give you one last chance. This will be a very easy question. What is two plus one?"

"Three!" said the blonde, happy to get a question she could finally answer correctly.

The interviewer was about to congratulate when she was interrupted by the cheering of the crowd: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Hopefully not a repost, but one of my all time favorites

So a man on a long trip decides to stop at a bar. He walks in, sits down at the bar and looks at the menu.

Soda: $1
Beer: $2
Hot Dog: $2.50
Hamburger: $3
Cheeseburger: $4

Then the man notices something at the very bottom of the menu..

Hand Jobs: $5

The man is a little confused, but then the bartender comes out, a stacked, beautiful blonde. She goes to him and asks "you like anything on the menu?" the man responds "are you the one that gives the hand jobs?" she smiles, "why yes I am" so the man says "ok, well wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger"

What does the Freudian monk chant while meditating?

MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!





(Sorry if repost, I just thought of this, but I can't be the first)

I bought my son a trampoline

But all he wanted to do was sit and cry in his wheelchair



- This was a repost but I thought it was too funny not to share

Ruth! (not sure if repost)

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A man was walking through town when he noticed a guy working on a fence by their house. "Making a new fence?" the man asked. The guy responded "Nah."

"Just a repost."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

Sorry if re-post, a friend sent it to me over a text, and I thought it was worthy enough to go on here!


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After dinner, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged Watson.

"Watson, look up at the sky. tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see billions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless.

(The most common first comment I see for every joke is "repost". I just made this one up. If someone came up with the same punchline before, guess what, it's a coincidence. Great minds think alike)

A drunk walks out of a bar...(not sure if a repost. New to this sub)

He stumbles along the sidewalk and comes upon a nun walking toward him.
He sees her and his eyes grow big and he lurches at her and begins to wail on her.
He throws her to the ground and stomps and pummels her until she is no longer moving.
He gathers himself, stands up and dusts himself off.
As he turns to walk away, he says " not so tough tonight are you, Batman?"

I've just searched for half an hour to see if the joke I was going to post was a repost

It wasn't, so I'm going to have to think of another one.

I was gonna tell you all a joke about how I had to replace the wood holding up my fence...

But I was afraid it is only a repost.

A blond and a redhead

(sorry if this is a repost or anything, just a funny joke I remember hearing a while back)

A blond notices a redhead doing jumping jacks beside a railroad track. For a while, the blond watches and notices the redhead keeps repeating the number 88 after each jumping jack. Shrugging this off, the blond decides to join the redhead and starts doing jumping jacks next to her. After a while a train comes by and hits the blond. The redhead stops and looks to where the blond was just standing, then starts her jumping jacks again. "89, 89, 89...."

While airplanes may not be my favorite thing,

They're up there.

Repost, haven't seen it in a while.

What are the funniest repost jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Repost? Well, here are the best Repost puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Repost pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes