Report Jokes
143 report jokes and hilarious report puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about report that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is all about how humor can be used to make report-writing more fun and creative. Learn how to incorporate jokes, puns, and other light-hearted elements into your reports to make them enjoyable to read. Discover different types of reports, such as a news report, book report, expense report, survey, weather report and newsflash, and the various ways you can add a humorous twist.
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Funniest Report Short Jokes
Short report jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The report humour may include short story jokes also.
- A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case. - My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood. Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
- Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain. Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea river
- Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
- Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident. All involved were rushed to the ICU
- Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
- Russia is reportedly seizing Apple's assets in Russia with the intent to make a new vehicle. They plan to call it the iVan.
- Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him
- When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
- When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
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Report One Liners
Which report one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with report? I can suggest the ones about record and research.
- "Plagiarism squad reporting for duty sir!" "Copy that"
- I had to report my stolen amazon package The police are still looking for a prime suspect
- Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
- There are multiple reports claiming that Kim Jong-Un is dead. Another Un bites the dust.
- What happened when the reporter fell into the water? She became an anchor...
- What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs!
- Why did Thor file a police report? Because someone stole his thunder
- An airplane crashes onto an old cemetery The police reports over 3.500 dead people
- Professor: I'm going to have to report you for plagiarism. His words, not mine.
- Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline What would you like to report, Peter?
- Why was King Triton angry over Ariel's report card? Her grades were under the C.
- Kim Jon Un is reported to be sick. He is now Kim Jong Ill.
- Why was the eel upset with her report card? She wanted mor-ays.
- Report card day Report card day:
The only day where double D's are a bad thing. - I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced It was a breeze.
News Report Jokes
Here is a list of funny news report jokes and even better news report puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship Well then I've got some news for you
- How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist.... Ask them to pronounce "lead".
- Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
- My girlfriend told me that it was either her, or my career as a news reporter I'm afraid I had some breaking news for her
- Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon. Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."
BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea." - Why should oceanographers be the Ones that report the news? They're always on top of current events!
- A news reporter introduces his new co-worker on air This Justin
- Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square Until further notice, this is their top story.
- I have found the perfect crime. I'm going to steal a news van... They won't be able to report it.
- Report: Tom Brady to retire. Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.
Report Card Jokes
Here is a list of funny report card jokes and even better report card puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay. She said she wanted more A's.
So I told her "okaaaaay". - My son handed me his report card and I asked him, Why is this wet? He said, My grades are below C level.
- Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
- So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago... ...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
- My dad beat my brother when he showed him his report card. So, I gave my report card to my mother. Let her take the beating.
- A man had his credit card stolen... However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
- I had my credit card stolen. About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
- My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any C s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes. He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.
- See your report card Johnny's father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don't have it.
Johnny's father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents. - Just found out my wife's credit card was stolen! They are spending it all on jewellery and casinos! But I wouldn't report it because they are spending less than my wife.
Weather Report Jokes
Here is a list of funny weather report jokes and even better weather report puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've just been sacked as the weatherman at the local radio station Apparently I was too 'cheerful' when giving out the really bad weather reports!!!
That's it!! No more mist and ice guy. - Do you know what happened to the man who reported on dangerous weather, but his reports started to tell people to farm? His warnings went amish.
- What did Santa Claus say to his wife after he watched the weather report? It's going to rain dear.
^Yeah ^I'm ^sorry ^its ^late ^guys. - Why do peasants watch the Weather Channel? To get the serf report
- Google Weather reported today is a cloudy day. But it is a clear sunny day. Something must have happened to Google clouds.
- What was the name of the Native American weather reporter? Apache Cloud.
- Weather report calls for partially sunny I wonder if that's due to clouds or the moon.
- What do you call a weather report about thunderstorms? Current events
- Weather reports are like girls Never accurate
- I used to date a girl that reported the weather. We had a very stormy relationship.
Report Writing Jokes
Here is a list of funny report writing jokes and even better report writing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen. Only God knows what the other one does with it.
- I was in my English class the other day.... And I didn't understand the book that was in the curriculum.
So I made all my students write a 3 page report about it. - I was told to write a report of waffles But I failed because there was to much walfling
- Johnny: Dad, can you write in the dark? Johnny: Dad, can you write in the dark? Father: I think so. What do you want me to write? Johnny: Your name on this report card.
- Joseph Stalin decides to reorganize the Soviet police. Each unit will consist of three officers:
* one to read the bulletins
* one to write the reports, and
* one to keep an eye on the intellectuals - I have a class in school where we read stories and write reports on them. It's lit
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Report Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about report you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trace jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make report pranks.
A weather report for you
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
A middle school in Oregon
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
FBI Investigation.
The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding m**... inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no m**.... They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
Silly Drunks.
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the line.
"Nevermind," he said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
An apple
A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.
Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.
A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder
They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:
"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"
and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"
there has been a shooting at the Westboro baptist church...
police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
Cops come to house to report my dogs.
The cops came to my house and said "We received a couple of calls saying that your dogs are chasing people on bikes."
I replied "Well that's a lie, my dogs don't have bikes."
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
Mafia florists
Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
I just saw a bmw driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.
Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who said r**... aren't real smart?
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding m**... inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
The Mystery of Childbirth
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... Education
Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their s**... education teacher.
"I can't believe we failed s**... ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."
"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"
A reporter interviewed a 103-year-old woman.
"And what is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet
After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!
I got a B+
Restaurant for dogs
Waiter: What can I get you, sir?
Dog: I see you serve the book report. How is that prepared?
Waiter: A kid stayed up all night working on it.
Dog: Ooh! I'll have that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police report: There was a robbery in the s**... shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time
A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...
A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."
Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
"Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip."
Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip.
Dispatcher: Go ahead.
Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"
He just said "That's a D, you idiot."
A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."
Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away
His funfair will be held next Monkey
"I'm not a fool..."
An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my signature..
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!
A place got lit on fire
But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.
Each person was assigned a country to report on.
Wow! Lucy said. I got Italy!
Interesting exclaimed Linus. I got Germany.
With dismay, Charlie Brown said, I got Iraq.
It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound
It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new report states that paedophiles need re-educating.
What a great idea, paedophiles going back to school.
A young kid was smart, but was failing math.
He simply refused to apply himself. The parents tried everything to no avail. Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school. When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math. They asked him what had finally motivated him. He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."
As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom.
Tom Orrow.
It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...
Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...
It has been reported that there is a hole in the ground.
We are currently looking into it.
I heard a report!
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently, 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can't stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
An elderly woman called 911...
An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.
"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An immigrant moves to New York City from another country...
He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello!
-Hello, what's the problem?
-You know Tom and j**...?
-Yes, Tom and j**...?
-Well, j**... problem.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I reported a cashier to her management for s**... harassing me
She was checking me out.
I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".
I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".
I hate being a pirate in school.
Everytime I get back my report card, it has seven seas in it...
I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve.
What a plot twist
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.
And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.
80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.
Personally, I think it's just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police are looking for a man selling m**... to birds.
Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.
A man goes to the doctor to report a serious memory loss problem
Man: Doctor, I have a serious memory loss problem
Doctor: Hmm.. and since when did you have this problem?
Man: What problem?
A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e
*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.
A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.
She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?
It was 1959 , says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just got back from the doctor... he said I can touch myself inappropriately whenever I want to!
Wife: Grabs report "This says you could have a s**... at any time"
A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.
First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:
"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"
"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be closer to the railroad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My s**... neighbor told me her underwear keeps going missing from her clothes line and that shes going to report it to the police.
I almost s**... her pants
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Hello police? I'd like to report a m**..."
"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"
Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:
''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''
After some time he sends a performance report:
''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year old woman.
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asks.
She simply answers, "No peer pressure."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…
The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted m**...!"
Missing
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. "The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. "The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back? "
Reporter: Herschel Walker, what do you think of the latest abortion bill?
Herschel Walker: I think we should pay it.
A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman
"What's the secret to your longevity?", he asked.
"Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone."
The reporter laughed. "That's ridiculous. That can't be the real reason."
The old lady smiled and nodded. "You're probably right."
