Replacement Jokes

89 replacement jokes and hilarious replacement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about replacement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for the best replacement jokes? Check out this article to laugh out loud! This roundup of hip and knee replacement jokes involves funny surgery stories, new joint replacements, and much more. Get your staff in stitches with these hysterical jokes about affordable replacements!

Funniest Replacement Short Jokes

Short replacement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The replacement humour may include short substitute jokes also.

  1. Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced by a musical instrument.
  2. A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him. He's the new temp.
  3. Accordion to scientific studies, 90% .. of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.
  4. I bought a sweater that kept giving me static shock Thankfully the store replaced it with another, free of charge.
  5. If you ever feel useless...
    Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...

    the Taliban
  6. I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.
  7. Simply by replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%... ...of what little joy you had left in your life
  8. That's a nice shamrock you've got there. It would be a shame if someone replaced the -rock with an e.
  9. Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show... Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.
  10. I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…

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Replacement One Liners

Which replacement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with replacement? I can suggest the ones about alternative and swap.

  1. What is going to replace ObamaCare? Don.T.Care
  2. My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt." Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.
  3. My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with? A cat.
    Cats love fish.
  4. I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue. She's not speaking to me
  5. Who will replace Kim Jon Un after he dies Kim Jon dos
  6. If you lose your hearing,... is it ear replaceable?
  7. Hey gurl are you an integral? Because I'd gladly replace my x with u.
  8. I dropped my Nokia today. Now I'm upset because I have to replace my floor.
  9. I spent all day replacing the muffler on my car It was exhausting
  10. How do you always keep your shoes tied? Replace the laces with earphones.
  11. Someone took my spine and replaced it with theirs. I want to get my own back.
  12. In light of Google becoming Alphabet, Gmail will be replaced with "Alpha Mail."
  13. The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks
  14. I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise... He shouted "what the Hellman!"
  15. Who's the coolest man in the hospital? The hip replacement guy.

Hip Replacement Jokes

Here is a list of funny hip replacement jokes and even better hip replacement puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just had hip replacement surgery It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.
  • My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses. I said, Who is that?
    Grandma: That's my hip replacement.
  • My grandpa just walked into the room with a young man wearing skinny jeans and a beard. I said, Who is this, grandpa?
    Grandpa: He's my hip replacement.
  • Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? - The Ultra Sound guy
    Who covers for him when he isn't there?
    - The Hip Replacement guy
  • How do old people become cool again? Hip replacements!
  • Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra sound guy.
    Who's the coolest guy when he's not around?
    The hip replacement guy.
  • Who takes over when the Ultrasound man is on leave? The Hip Replacement Guy.
  • Medical question? My dad said he is going in for a hip he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad?
  • In 1973, the Six Million Dollar Man consisted of a bionic man with super powers... In 2016, the Six Million Dollar Man consists of two hip replacements.
  • What do you call the nicest doctor in the hospital? The ultra sound guy...
    Who covers him when he's not available?....
    The hip replacement guy

Knee Replacement Jokes

Here is a list of funny knee replacement jokes and even better knee replacement puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I didn't think my knee replacement surgery would help. I stand corrected.
  • Did you hear about the guy who had his knee replaced with a Magic 8-Ball? He had a prophetic prosthetic.
  • What do you call it when the inventor of the ceramic knee replacement gets a metal knee replacement? Iron-knee
  • Did you here about that Leg Doctor He shattered his entire left leg and had to get a metal replacement.
    It was a really bad case of Iron-Knee
  • My grandmother recently had her knee replaced. I suspect Colin Kaepernick has her old one.
  • A new company has started 3d printing knee replacements They called themselves Cartilage World
  • What is the nearest replacement for a pair of woman earrings? Answer: She already has it, her knees.
  • I don't want to go to the knee doctor I'm afraid he'll say I kneed a replacement
Replacement joke, I don't want to go to the knee doctor

New Hip Replacement Jokes

Here is a list of funny new hip replacement jokes and even better new hip replacement puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My grandma got a hip replacement My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.
  • A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me, Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.
  • Just got my new Popotamus today! I'm on the waiting list for a Hip replacement now.
Replacement joke, Just got my new Popotamus today!

Laughter Replacement Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about replacement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean changer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make replacement pranks.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

A husband and wife are in a car c**...

They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."

Born without eyelids.

Last week a little boy was born at the hospital without any eyelids. Puzzled the doctors didn't know what to make of it. In a snap of genius, when they circumcised the boy they also replaced his missing eyelids. Only problem is now he's c**...-eyed.

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.

Food has replaced s**... in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants.

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.


When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...

Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

An elderly couple sits in church

The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent f**..., what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.
"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.
"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.
"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together.

It was a big waist of time.

Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel.

This is for the Christmas period only.

Pregnant elephants

What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on s**... pins and one on replacing firing pins.

My friend and I started replacing the word 'in' with 'inside'.

For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".
One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".
I responded,
"it's an inside joke".

My PC Died today and my friend offered me to lend me his PS4 while i waited for replacements parts.

........But i was simply unconsolable

The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49

Today I pitched a new web software to Apple to replace safari...

it raised a few iBrowse :(

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven't looked back since.

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.
That didn't sound right, so he tried again.
Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.
That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.
(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
I'll show myself out

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that

If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster .

Suite yourself he said. The chickens are out back

Maybe replacement theory is correct.

Even neo-n**...'s are being replaced by black people.

A man is sitting alone at the World Cup Final when another guy approaches him.

He asks 'Is this seat taken?'
The man replies 'No it's free'
The other man says 'Who would miss their chance to see the World Cup Final??'
The man replies 'It's actually my wife's, she passed away and this is my first World Cup without her.'
'Oh man, you didn't find any family or friends to replace her?'
'No,' he says, 'They're all at the f**...'

Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with.

Verizon Wireless customer service.

I replaced my friend's chapstick with a tube of glue.

So far, he hasn't said anything about it.

My wife wants to replace our kitchen countertops with Quartzsite

I told her I was afraid the kids would take it for granite

Batman and Robin are in the Batcave

Batman and Robin are in the Batcave. Batman is putting the Batmonile through its monthly tune-up, and it won't start. So Batman goes and asks Robin for help.
"Is the tank empty?" Robin asks.
"I just filled it," Batman replies.
"Is the oil full?" Robin asks.
"Freshly replaced," Batman replies.
"Did you check the battery?"
"What the heck is a tery?"

Old man visits his Doctor...

Old man: Doctor, my hips hurt and need to be replaced. My knees are sore all the time. I need a CPAP machine for sleep, my hair is falling out and I need new glasses.
Doctor: Do you remember all the mornings when you used to jog, all the deserts you passed on, all the salads you ate so you would live longer?
Old man: Yes, Doc, I remember.
Doctor: Well, this is it!

What happens when a clown retires?

I don't know, but it's safe to say whoever's gonna replace him has big shoes to fill.

How many Virginians does it take to replace a lightbulb

One to replace the bulb, and another one to talk about how nice the old lightbulb was.

Replacement joke, How many Virginians does it take to replace a lightbulb

jokes about replacement