Replacement Jokes
87 replacement jokes and hilarious replacement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about replacement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for the best replacement jokes? Check out this article to laugh out loud! This roundup of hip and knee replacement jokes involves funny surgery stories, new joint replacements, and much more. Get your staff in stitches with these hysterical jokes about affordable replacements!
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Funniest Replacement Short Jokes
Short replacement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The replacement humour may include short substitute jokes also.
- Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced by a musical instrument.
- A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him. He's the new temp.
- Accordion to scientific studies, 90% .. of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.
- If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban - Simply by replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%... ...of what little joy you had left in your life
- That's a nice shamrock you've got there. It would be a shame if someone replaced the -rock with an e.
- Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show... Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.
- If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
I'll show myself out - Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with. Verizon Wireless customer service.
- The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it. Haven't looked back since.
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Replacement One Liners
Which replacement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with replacement? I can suggest the ones about alternative and swap.
- What is going to replace ObamaCare? Don.T.Care
- My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt." Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.
- My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with? A cat.
Cats love fish. - I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue. She's not speaking to me
- Who will replace Kim Jon Un after he dies Kim Jon dos
- If you lose your hearing,... is it ear replaceable?
- Hey gurl are you an integral? Because I'd gladly replace my x with u.
- I dropped my Nokia today. Now I'm upset because I have to replace my floor.
- I spent all day replacing the muffler on my car It was exhausting
- How do you always keep your shoes tied? Replace the laces with earphones.
- In light of Google becoming Alphabet, Gmail will be replaced with "Alpha Mail."
- The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks
- I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise... He shouted "what the Hellman!"
- I found a butter replacement today... It's margarinely better.
- My wife hates to step on a scale Because everytime she does, we have to replace it
Hip Replacement Jokes
Here is a list of funny hip replacement jokes and even better hip replacement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just had hip replacement surgery It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.
- My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses. I said, Who is that?
Grandma: That's my hip replacement. - Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? - The Ultra Sound guy
*Bonus*
Who covers for him when he isn't there?
- The Hip Replacement guy - How do old people become cool again? Hip replacements!
- Who takes over when the Ultrasound man is on leave? The Hip Replacement Guy.
- Medical question? My dad said he is going in for a hip replacement........is he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad?
- In 1973, the Six Million Dollar Man consisted of a bionic man with super powers... In 2016, the Six Million Dollar Man consists of two hip replacements.
- My grandma got a hip replacement My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.
- A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me, Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.
- I'm so hip... ...that I have two of them and some day will need them replaced!
Knee Replacement Jokes
Here is a list of funny knee replacement jokes and even better knee replacement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I didn't think my knee replacement surgery would help. I stand corrected.
- Did you hear about the guy who had his knee replaced with a Magic 8-Ball? He had a prophetic prosthetic.
- What do you call it when the inventor of the ceramic knee replacement gets a metal knee replacement? Iron-knee
- My grandmother recently had her knee replaced. I suspect Colin Kaepernick has her old one.
- A new company has started 3d printing knee replacements They called themselves Cartilage World
- What is the nearest replacement for a pair of woman earrings? Answer: She already has it, her knees.
- I don't want to go to the knee doctor I'm afraid he'll say I kneed a replacement
New Hip Replacement Jokes
Here is a list of funny new hip replacement jokes and even better new hip replacement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just got my new Popotamus today! I'm on the waiting list for a Hip replacement now.
Laughter Replacement Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about replacement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean changer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make replacement pranks.
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's Helpline
Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are in a car c**...
They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."
I lost both my legs below the knee in an accident...
... and for years, no matter how hard my friends and family tried to convince me, I fought on without prosthetic replacements.
In the end it became just too difficult, so I finally accepted defeat.
Man runs over a cat
Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there.
With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat."
Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.
The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Born without eyelids.
Last week a little boy was born at the hospital without any eyelids. Puzzled the doctors didn't know what to make of it. In a snap of genius, when they circumcised the boy they also replaced his missing eyelids. Only problem is now he's c**...-eyed.
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?
Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys
It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Food has replaced s**... in my life.
I can't even get into my own pants.
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.
TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.
FINNISH HYMN!!!
When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...
Poor little guy drowned in seconds..
"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."
"OK..." he hesitated.
"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.
"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.
"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."
Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel.
This is for the Christmas period only.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pregnant elephants
What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on s**... pins and one on replacing firing pins.
My friend and I started replacing the word 'in' with 'inside'.
For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".
One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".
I responded,
"it's an inside joke".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist
So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.
My PC Died today and my friend offered me to lend me his PS4 while i waited for replacements parts.
........But i was simply unconsolable
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...
Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49
Today I pitched a new web software to Apple to replace safari...
it raised a few iBrowse :(
A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.
Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...
Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.
That didn't sound right, so he tried again.
Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.
That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.
(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)
My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.
I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.
In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.
When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...
...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.
If you ever feel useless... Just remember that
If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban
A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster .
Suite yourself he said. The chickens are out back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Maybe replacement theory is correct.
Even neo-n**...'s are being replaced by black people.
I replaced my friend's chapstick with a tube of glue.
So far, he hasn't said anything about it.
Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers?
because it's not designed to be useless
My wife wants to replace our kitchen countertops with Quartzsite
I told her I was afraid the kids would take it for granite
Old man visits his Doctor...
Old man: Doctor, my hips hurt and need to be replaced. My knees are sore all the time. I need a CPAP machine for sleep, my hair is falling out and I need new glasses.
Doctor: Do you remember all the mornings when you used to jog, all the deserts you passed on, all the salads you ate so you would live longer?
Old man: Yes, Doc, I remember.
Doctor: Well, this is it!
What happens when a clown retires?
I don't know, but it's safe to say whoever's gonna replace him has big shoes to fill.
How many Virginians does it take to replace a lightbulb
Two.
One to replace the bulb, and another one to talk about how nice the old lightbulb was.
