replaced Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious replaced puns

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.


TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.



My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.


That's a nice shamrock you've got there.

It would be a shame if someone replaced the -rock with an e.


I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me


Food has replaced sex in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants.


Born without eyelids.

Last week a little boy was born at the hospital without any eyelids. Puzzled the doctors didn't know what to make of it. In a snap of genius, when they circumcised the boy they also replaced his missing eyelids. Only problem is now he's cock-eyed.


A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.


"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Well, let's have a look at i-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over.
"What is it?"
"You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt."
"Well, pull it out!"
The doctor does.
"Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."
The doctor retrieves the bill and it's replaced. This goes on. There's $20s,$10s, $5s, $1s, the odd $50 bill and a single hundred. Eventually, it stops.
"How much is there?" Asks the man.
The doctor counts it up. "I've pulled $1,999.00 from your butt"
"That'd be right," says the man, "I wasn't feeling two grand."


I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.

There's a lovely key change at the end.


So I replaced all of the incense in the Friar's chamber with Marijuana

He's a High priest now


A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and chugs it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I'll buy you another one, . The man whines First I wake up and my wife left me and took my kids, then I go to get my car and my wife took it, then I go to work and my job has been taken and I was replaced, so I came here, got a shot, and put poison in it, and you took my shot! .


For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.


Someone took my spine and replaced it with theirs.

I want to get my own back.


In light of Google becoming Alphabet, Gmail will be replaced with "Alpha Mail."


I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"


What did the White House staff do when President Trump broke the fax machine?

They replaced it with an alternative fax machine.


A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back to the clinic.

Patient: Doc, I'm now having marital problems. My wife doesn't want to make love to me anymore. Please give me back my old dick back.

Doctor: Nnnononono cccacacannn dddododooo. A a a a a dddededeeaall iiiiss a a a a dddededeal.


A Parrot and a magician on a ship

A Magician, who performs magic tricks on a ship had a parrot which helped him perform his tricks. One day, the parrot died so the magician replaced him with a new one.

On the night of his first show, the parrot would keep giving away his tricks "It's in the hat"..."it's up his sleeve"..."It's under the table"..fustrated, the magician cut his show short. Shorlty after, there was a hurricane and the ship sunk, the magician and the parrot managed to get them selves onto a raft.

The first day passed and not a word was spoken, the magician and his parrot were sat there lookign at each other waiting for help. As day 2 arrised, the parrot is looking around confused and fustrated. Eventually, the parrot turns to the magician and says "Alright, i give up. What have you done with the ship".


New Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.


Artificial Intelligence is really taking over our jobs, man.

Just today, I asked Siri to change the tv channel, and it ended up calling my mother.

Siri has now replaced my partially deaf grandma.


The Easter massacre

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock


My parents got an Amazon Echo for Christmas and all they do is shout at it and get disappointed by all it can't do.

I've been replaced by Alexa and it's great.


I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar...

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!


If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations


Have you heard that they replaced the wishing well with a scientist?

Instead of granting wishes, he wishes for grants.


That's a nice sham-wow you got there...

It would be a shame if someone replaced the wow with the letter e


A man and his corroded dental appliance..

A man returned for the third time to the dentist to get his dental appliance replaced due to corrosion.

The dentist asked if he ate a highly acid diet, or was fond of citrus, etc.

The man replied that his wife made an excellent holllandaise sauce that was so good he put it on just about everything, and of course it has a lot of lemon juice in it.

"OK" the dentist said, "I have just the thing. I'll order a new one made with chromium"

"That will fix it?" the man asked.

"Absolutely", the dentist replied

"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise".


Can 5 women change a lightbulb?

Apparently not; the basement light still hasn't been replaced.


The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who

He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.


The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.


A man who was born without eyelids...

...agreed to undergo a revolutionary operation where the missing skin was replaced by foreskin tissue.

He is a lot happier now, although he looks a little cock eyed.


Women, eh?

My wife is pissed off with me again.

Last night, whilst she was fast asleep, I gently removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out.

I'm telling you, that woman has got no sense of humour at all..!


A human cannonball for the circus retired after 35 years of service.

When asked if the man would be replaced, the owner of the circus said, "No, only because it's hard to find a man of that caliber."


How many millennials does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, but he has to create a safe-space where the light-bulb can go to avoid being offended that it's being replaced.


What are the most funny Replaced jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Replaced? Well, here are the best Replaced dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Replaced pick up lines to share with friends.

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