Repeat Day Jokes

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly a**... state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had s**..., and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the c**... a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.
Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nods…
I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.
No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

In medeval times, the town bell toller died, and the priest was looking for a replacement

The next day, a gent showed up and said he was perfect for the job. Without introducing himself, he charged up the bell tower steps, with the priest following behind.
Instead of pulling the rope to ring the bell, the man backed up to the wall of the tower, put his head down, and charged like a bull at the bell. The bell rang out louder than ever before. The man shook the cobwebs out of his head, backed up, and ran at the bell and rang it a second time.
The priest was impressed, but asked the man if he could do it repeatedly, because at noon, he'd have to ring the bell 12 times.
The man backed up, put his head down, and ran at the bell a third time. Unfortunately, he hit off center, glancing off the bell, and fell forward, stubling out the portico in the tower - down 100 feet to the street below.
The priest ran down the stairs and out to the street in a panic, and said to the crowd gathered around, "Does anyone know this man?"
A bystander said, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

That clever Frenchman

Three tradesmen work together. One is French, another an American and the last one a German.
Every morning the Frenchman sniffs his fingers and says to himself "Fifi!"
During the day he would constantly repeat this, and everytime after sniffing his fingers he would say "Fifi!" with a grin on his face.
The German man turned to the American and said "Why does he do that?"
The American replied, "Every morning he finger bangs his wife and doesn't wash up afterwards so he can smell her all day".
The next day the German comes into work and looks proudly at his two coworkers. He then places his nose at his shoulder and quickly sniffs all the way down his arm, right to his finger tips. Immediately after he holds both arms out, palms up, fingers slightly bent and yells "Olga!!".
Side note: This joke is very reliant on delivery. I tried to describe to the best of my abilities, how I act when I deliver it in person.

College

A professor tells the class that they will be performing an experiment the next day. When the students get to class, they see the professor with a large glass vase, some large rocks, some small pebbles, and some sand. The students all get seated, and the professor begins the experiment. He fills the vase with the rocks and says, "How many of you says this is full?" When half the class raises his hand, he nods, and then pours in the pebbles. "Now how many of you says this is full?" When no one else raises their hand he adds the sand and repeats the previous question. The rest of the class raises their hands. The professor then sits down to begin the rest of the class, when a student walks up with a bottle of booze that was in his backpack. He pours the booze in the vase and says to the professor "Now what does this teach you?" When the professor didn't answer the student said "There's always room for beer."

The border guard

So there is this border guard and one day he sees a guy crossing the border on his bicycle with two big bags over his shoulder. The guard pulls him aside for questioning.
"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.
"Just sand." the guy replies.
The guard opens up the bags and sees that is seems to be just sand so he lets him go.
The next day the guy comes back on his bike and again he has two big bags over his shoulder. Again the guard pulls him aside.
"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.
"Sand"
The guard opens the bag and finds nothing but sand. He looks a little harder bus still can't find anything wrong.
Over the next decade the scenario repeats over and over. The border guard knows something is up and tries more sophisticated methods to try and figure it out. Dogs, chemical testing, magnets, everything. He never finds anything i**... though.
Finally, the border guard retires. All his friends and co-workers throw him a big party at a restaurant across the border. While at the party, the guard sees the guy. He decides to go and talk to him.
"Hey, it's interesting seeing you here. I'm having my retirement party right now." the guard say to him.
"Congratulations, I just retired this week myself." the guy says.
"Oh really, what job did you have?"
"I was a smuggler."
"I knew it! Well, you got away with it. So please tell me. What was it that you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles"

So I was talking to a woman yesterday...

And told her a very interesting story that happened to me the other day. I told her about this very strange man I saw downtown. It went a little like this:
"So, a weird thing happened to me yesterday. I was out downtown where I saw this guy just standing there. He pulled something out of his pocket...and then dropped it. He then bent down and picked it up, only to drop it again. He kept on doing this....A few moments later, someone else came by, watched what this guy was doing, and then started copying the guy.
He, too pulled something out of his pocket, dropped it, and bent over and grabbed it, only to repeat. Within a few minutes, a fairly large crowd formed and watched what they were doing...and sure enough, the all kind of stood one behind another and started copying the first guy... It was the weirdest thing in the world!"
She responded with extreme confusion, "Wait...is that some sort of joke?"
"No" I said..."It's a pickup line ;)"

How to catch a White Elephant

Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins).
Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.
The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins).
Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins).
The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual.
When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.
And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.

Play around

So corporate exec Joe is flying across the Pacific, when his plane crashes. Joe survives, but finds himself stranded on a desert island, with nothing to eat but coconuts, and whatever seafood he can catch. 10 years go by, with poor Joe having no human contact. One day, as Joe is fishing for his dinner, a beautiful blonde woman comes wading out of the surf, wearing a full body wet suit. She approaches Joe and introduces herself "Hi, I'm Julie", Joe is so excited, all he can say "I'm Joe, and I've been stranded here alone for 10 years". "Wow" reply's Julie "10 years stranded here, I bet you'd like a cigarette" . "Would I ever" says Joe, and with that the young lady unzips a pocket on her sleeve, pulls out a pack of Marlboro reds, lights 2 and passes one to Joe. "Wow 10 years alone on this island" Julie repeats, "I bet you'd like a beer". "Would I ever" replies Joe, and with that the lady unzips a pocket on her leg, pulls out 2 cold Budweiser's, opens them and hands one to Joe. The young lady starts to seductively unzip the front of her wet suit, and says "Wow 10 years alone on this island, I bet you'd like to play around wouldn't you". "Would I ever" says Joe excitedly, "You got golf clubs in there?"

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.

*Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:*
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En — *silence in the classroom.*
"Ali Son al En" — *continued silence as everyone looked around the room.*
*The teacher repeated the call.*
*A girl stood up and said*: "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."

Marriage business

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first l**... encounter. In his highly a**... state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the decades she had 'charged' him for s**..., these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth millions, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

Dork Ruined Joke Then Deleted It Because He Couldn't Stand The Downvotes: Reposted Right

An American gentleman arranged a liaison with a Japanese lady. As they were indulging in s**... i**..., she repeatedly shouted a Japanese word which he did not understand but took to mean "Wonderful" or something similar which increased his ardor, his efforts with the lady, and his enjoyment, as well as her apparent enjoyment because she kept shouting that word.
The next day, he played golf with some Japanese business associates and hit a hole in one. In elation, he shouted out the same word his poule de nuit had been shouting the night before. One of the Japanese gentlemen present, perplexed, asked, "What do you mean "'wrong hole'"?

An American goes to Japan....

...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a h**... in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "

A man goes the doctor claiming to be constantly tired during the day.

The doctor says to him "Play the song "Losing my Religion" on repeat in your bedroom, while you sleep."
The man obviously thinks that it is a ridiculous treatment, but obliges the doctor nonetheless.
The next day the man bursts into his doctor's office and yells: "I feel fantastic!! How the did that actually work?!"
The doctor replies: "You weren't getting enough REM sleep."

Soviet Doctor appointment

One day a man walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse that
he wants to see the eye/ear doctor. "There is no such doctor" she
tells him. "Perhaps he would like to see someone else?" No, I
need to see an eye/ear doctor he says. But there is no such doctor, she
replies. We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose
and t**..., but no eye/ear doctor. No help. He repeats, "I want to
see the eye/ear doctor." They go around like this for a few minutes and
then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye/ear doctor, but if there
were one, why would you want to see one? Because," he replies, "I keep
hearing one thing and seeing another."

First day as SOLDIER!

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear.
>**"No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield"**
A big army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur says, "General William."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. *Do i shoot you or the driver?*"

Three Guys Stranded on a Cannibal Island

So one day, a boat carrying many people c**... on a cannibal island. There are three survivors, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New York-er. They are told by the cannibals that the may kill themselves in any whey they like, and that their skins will be used for canoes. So the Englishman pulls out a gun, says, "For my Queen!", and shoots himself. The cannibals use his skin for a canoe. The Frenchman pulls out a bottle of poison-laced whiskey, says, "For my country!" and takes a swig. The cannibals use his skin for a canoe. The New York-er pulled out a fork, says, "Screw your canoes!" and stabs himself repeatedly with the fork.

An old joke told in the Soviet Union...

Every other Friday a factory guard saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.
The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire.
When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: I know you are stealing something. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing. The guy smiled and answered, Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.

Queen of England

Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well of course, it's me". Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" The general replies "of course, it's me". So Biden goes back to Obama and says "it's general so and so", Obama replies, "no you idiot, it's Tony Blair"!

Genie grants a wish...

One day a Russian guy, Oleg, finds a lamp. As soon as he rubs it a genie pops up and says:
- You saved me, so wish whatever you want, and it will be granted.
- Whenever I pee, turn it to v**....
And, it happens.
He goes home and asks his wife to bring two glasses, tells what had happened and they both enjoy the v**.... They repeat the ceremony for following couple of days.
One night, as he comes home, asks for a glass.
His wife curiously asks :
- Are you going to drink without me?
Oleg answers:
- Of course not, you'll drink from the bottle.

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a ginger stuck on a desert

The three friends have been stuck in the desert for days. They have finished their last drink of water. They come across a genie in a bottle.
The genie says he will grant them one wish each.
The brunette is excited and says "I wish to be home with my family"
Next comes the ginger's wish
The ginger repeats those words. "I wish to be home with my family"
Finally it is the blonde's wish.
She groans and says "I wish my friends could be with me!"

An old man got his wallet stolen while on a bus

When he realized, he started warning everyone:
"Whoever stole my wallet should return it. Otherwise what happened in 1983 will be repeated."
The old man kept ranting this warning every minute until the bus got to the next city. A young man alighted from the bus, threw the wallet into the bus and started running away. The old man picked the wallet.
Stunned by the incidence, a small kid walked to the man and asked,
"What happened in 1983, please."
The old man responded,
"In 1983, someone stole my wallet and I had to go hungry for three days."

A japanese guy gets off the plane to New York

He needs American money so he goes to the bank but doesnt know much english. He goes to the teller and says "me, change" and hands over 10,000. The bank teller understands and takes it and hands over $100
The next day, he does the same thing and gives 10,000 yen to the teller but only gets $90 in return.
He says "last day i got $100, not $90 you made mistake"
The teller replies "flucuations"
The japanese guy is furious and a has a look of digust. He replies "well, f*** you white guy" and storms off.
*dont know if its repeated here but i remember my dad telling me somewhere a decade ago*

A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.
"What's matter?"
"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.
"Um, ah ok, but"
"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.
"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"
"She cleans the house, cooks delicious dinners, we even had s**... ever other day"
"I'm sorry, I really don't understand why would things make you cry. Your wife sounds amazing"
"I can't remember where I live..."

A programmer wants to try stand up.

A programmer wants to try stand up. So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, you could see few people struggling to laugh but not quite enough, then he goes back to the start of the joke change a bit and repeats again, this time everyone laughs. Some one from crowd asks why did you mistake your joke, why he had to go back to the beginning and start over? Programmer I had to debug a bit to find out what worked for this crowd..

Golf in Japan

An American golfer went to Japan for a tournament. The night before he met a woman, and although neither spoke a word of the other's language, he managed to get the point across. They got into bed and when he stuck it in her she yelled something in Japanese which he took to me she was in ecstasy. The next day the golfer played in his tournament against a Japanese golfer. The Japanese golfer sank a tricky putt so the American golfer thought he'd compliment him but repeating the Japanese words he heard the night before. The Japanese golfer looked surprised and said What do you mean wrong hole?