Rent Jokes
157 rent jokes and hilarious rent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you find yourself in a real housing crunch? Have a good laugh at these rent jokes that poke fun and lighten the mood in a typically serious topic. Explore the funny side of paying and not paying rent, rent-free living, Rent the Musical, and Rent-a-Cop. Load up on witty ideas to help you feel better when you can't quite afford the rent!
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Funniest Rent Short Jokes
Short rent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rent humour may include short loan jokes also.
- There should be a millennial edition of monopoly where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
- [God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them? The lanlord!
- A company just rented me a limo for $300, but I just found out that it doesn't come with a driver. So I have a limo but nothing to chauffeur it.
I'll show myself out.., - Five ants moved into an apartment. Then five more moved in. Now the landlord is asking for rent.
- My landlord doubled my rent. I'm going to give up drinking for a month. Sorry I missed punctuation there.
I'm going to give up, drinking for a month. - Anne Frank showed a cunning and resolve that any Jew would have been proud of. Two years rent free.
- I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. "Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
I said, "I love you too..." - worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them
- The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door. - How is it?
- I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again? - Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules. Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.
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Rent One Liners
Which rent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rent? I can suggest the ones about salary and borrow.
- How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants
- I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev from a company called You crane.
- What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East? Low rents of Arabia.
- My ant farm has 9 ants. One more and I'll have to start collecting rent.
- How did Beethoven rent out his house? He put it up Fur Elise
- I couldn't recall where I had rented my car from... ...but then I remembered the Alamo
- I rented Batman Forever from Blockbuster I never returned it
- What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent? Repossessed
- Why couldn't Bach pay for his rent? Because he was a Baroque composer.
- Why do people rent wigs? So they don't have toupe for their own.
- My friend offered to let me rent 2 of his ermines. He is now the lessor of two weasels.
- Marriage is like buying a house... ...and prostitution is like renting.
- Moving back in with your parents is not rent free. There's at least one or two of them.
- I've decided to rent out my brain After all, its intellectual property
- I'm too cheap to rent a parachute I prefer free falling
Not Paying Rent Jokes
Here is a list of funny not paying rent jokes and even better not paying rent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My roommate is a yoga teacher and she's stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said: Nah I'mma stay
- I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month. I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.
- My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year. Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.
- When you pay rent... it's like hitting the snooze-bar on being homeless
- When you find pennies under your couch, It might just be spiders trying to pay rent.
- Did you know Beethoven wrote a song in order to pay his rent? It was for a lease
- John was going through a rough time, he lost his job and couldn't pay rent. Everything was hopeless when suddenly, he remembered... mitochondria is the power house of the cell.
- Paying the rent ain't easy.... that's why I don't do it.
- Why couldn't Christopher Reeve pay his landlord? Back rent.
- How many art college students does it take to pay rent? Like 7!
Rent Free Jokes
Here is a list of funny rent free jokes and even better rent free puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Real estate available on Guantanamo Bay! Don't worry about rent - Boarding is free!
- My parents don't know I'm still living in their basement. Every night I hold real still when Mom comes to cry over me in bed, and yes, it is definitely worth the free rent.
- Why is housing cheaper as an orphan? It's 'rent free!
Laughable Rent Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about rent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean price jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rent pranks.
If you have nine ants in your apartment, that's a problem.
But if you have ten ants, just ask them for rent.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.
They said, take IT or leave IT.
Two conjoined twins walks into a pub
The bartender is amazed: "You're not from around here"
The siamese on the left side:"No, we're french, every summer, we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip"
"So, you really seem to like the country?"
"Not that much, but once a year, my brother can drive".
A Russian family moves to America...
...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the s**... club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
Hot girl at prom
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
(JOKE) "A PIRATE RETIRED"vanndukeandsammy
sammy:now that captain hook has retired, to make money, to fishermen at sea he rent himself out as a human fishing pole....(werms extra fee).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two p**... go fishing
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing on a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other says "well, just make sure you mark the spot!" After they get back on shore, the first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat. The other p**... says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat tomorrow?"
Prom Joke
I asked my girlfriend to prom and she said yes so I bought waited in a very long line for prom tickets. I then went to a limo rental place and waited in a very long line to rent one. Then, the day of prom I waited in a very long line to get flowers for my date. At prom, my girlfriend and I danced for a while and she asked, "can you please get me some punch?" there was no punchline.
Germans
I do season work at a yachtcharter company and a lot of German people rent a boat there. I decided to quit my job for a better job somewhere else and to have a little fun my last day. I walked up to a German guy and said to him: excuse me sir, it appears you have lost something.. The German said to me?: wass? What did I lost?!!! To which I respond: the war.
Timbuktu
Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"
I asked my math teacher if he wanted to rent an apartment with me
Then he went on some tangent about needing a co-sign.
Don't go into the rent-a-tomb business....
It's only ever worked with one person.
Happy Easter ! God Bless !
Going to Greece on holiday
So I was planning on going to Greece on holiday this summer, I call the hotel to make a reservation, the guy says it's a nice hotel, close to the beach, a nice swimming pool and that it's going to be 3000 Euros. I tell them that's a bit too much for my budget and they said I can rent it for 60 Euros/month if I don't want to buy it.
Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?
Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I rented a p**... for $60 an hour,
I paid her 50 cents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I agreed to pay my rent in s**... favours...
I try to stay on top of it but I often end up behind.
Why did Rick Astley get fired from his job at the video store?
Because he refused to rent someone a copy of the Pixar flick "Up".
A husband leaves his money in the attic...
His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."
Anyone want to rent my mom's basement for the weekend?
I just listed it on Airdnd.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I were a rent boy; I'd have to charge by the minute...
...couldn't last an hour.
I just rented a boat
I mean, I could have bought one, but I think that would be going a bit overboard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had $1.00 for each person I had s**... with, I would pay my rent
But just because I'm currently homeless
Economical way of having a family
Just rent a partner whenever you need, and buy a second-hand baby.
If I don't win the mary jane Country Grill-off I won't be able to afford my rent...
I guess you could say the steaks are high
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a dwarf with a birth defect, is broke and can't drink milk?
Lack toes and tall or rent
Which car goes 100 mph down the unpaved road?
Rent a car
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am satisfied with my life choices. I no longer pay for rent, food, electricity and blow jobs...
not until my jail term ends...
A man had three wishes
For his first wish, he asked for a room without rent. He then asked for food without having to cook. Finally, he asked for people that always look after him.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He ended up in prison.
We just rented the DVD movie "Rules Don't Apply" and I put it in upside down.
It was wrong.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.
I turned w**... into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an olive Garden to pay rent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...
and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"
"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."
The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"
"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."
"And where was He born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a manger."
"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.
"Because a s**... like you wouldn't rent him a room!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches and rats
Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches
and rats in my house for a meeting so we can discuss how we will be sharing the rent because i don't know who owns the house anymore.
The well
An Arab sold a well to a Jew. The next day, the Arab went back to the Jew and said," I sold you the well, not the water inside it. If you want to buy the water, you'll have to give me more money." The Jew smiled and said," I was just about to call you because of that. Since you didn't sell me the water, you're either going to have to move your water or pay me an hourly rent for storing your water."
Thanks BrokeBorkLensar for the correction
The doorbell rings and the son walks to open the door.
- Who is it?
- It's the landlord, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the landlord. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?
Friend said he was going to rent a court for us to play on
The next time I saw him
He booked it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just made this one up and it's really s**.... What do you call a resistor that can't afford rent?
Ohm-less
Wheel of Fortune
Me: I'd like to buy a vowel
Pat: Aren't you a millennial?
Me: *sigh* I'd like to rent a vowel
How do princes and princesses rent castles?
Heirbnb.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: [*gets really close*] i'm two months behind on my rent
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do a Jew, an Italian, and a r**... go to stripclubs?
The Jew goes to pick up the rent.
The Italian goes to pick up his protection money.
The r**... goes to pick up his daughter.
Why are rental cars so depressed all the time?
Because they're loners.
What hotel did Blockbuster rent for their corporate retreats?
Hotel Rewind-a.
How do you rent out a house on Christmas?
"For Lease" Navidad
Hear about the game of Life Millennial Edition?
There are 27 different pegs for gender and only four squares: Debt, Rent, Destroy an Industry, and early Death from lack of healthcare.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...
...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
Did you hear about the guy who lives in a bouncy castle?
When interviewed about it, he said the rent had become more expensive as of late... but it's mostly due to inflation.
The largest bounce house in the world is around 10,000 feet, big enough to live in...
But the rent is pretty high due to inflation
I just rented a car from an auto rental in Berlin and I seem to have a little problem with the satnav
It only shows me the route to Poland.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Happy Easter
April Fools
Now go pay your rent.
I'm thinking of opening a new type of hotel.
You will rent the bottom half of a bunk bed, and on the top will be a couple of your favorite celebrities.
Ill call it "sleeping under the stars"
Remember the Alamo!
If you need to rent a car
I asked my boss for a raise.
He said rent a ladder.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are New Yorkers always so distracted?
They can barely afford to pay rent, let alone attention.
To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...
Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!
You know times are tough when you see a millenial playing Wheel Of Fortune
And they have to rent an 'A'.
Did you hear about the millennial on Wheel of Fortune?
He tried to rent a vowel.
This is a really nice place, roomy and comfortable. How much for rent?
Sir this is a liquor store
I work at a foster care agency with a rent to own policy...
It's called wombs to go.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a douchbag whale as a flatmate once...
I had this d**... whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attached some wheels to his belly and pushed him out the door and back into the ocean and this time it worked wheely whale.
Millennials... they think they're so rich...
They could just come in here and rent the place.
You can't buy love
But you can rent it at an hourly rate.
I just purchased the rights for ownership of Christmas. I think I'll rent it out though.
For Lease, Navidad.
After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed...
...that, Sir, this is a liquor store.
