Removed Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.

- comedy removed due to complaints -

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

What happened to king Henry the VIII's wife's head?

(removed)

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...

It only made it more sluggish.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

At the dentist

The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!

I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

\[removed\]

I removed the shell from my racing snail thinking he'd be faster..

He's actually more sluggish now.

-What are you drinking, son?

-Soy milk.

-Hola milk, soy tu padre.

Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 6 pm...

until I'm removed by security.

My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday..

we call him Phil now

There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang...

This joke has been removed.

Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.

To desire more is greed.

Snail Racing

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

(AP) New York - A baby delivered without eyelids had surgery today at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan, NY. Doctors successfully removed the child's foreskin and were able to use the tissue to successfully form eyelids. Doctors said the child will be fine.

Just a little cockeyed.

Dry cleaners.

A hot blond walks into a Dry cleaners. She tells the teller "I need to get a stain removed from my sweater. The teller being a little hard of hearing asks "Come again?" To which she replied " No, its mustard."

I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down,

but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.

My kid swallowed a torch today...

It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.

You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.

I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?

I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

What do you call a unicorn that's had its horn removed.

Eunuchorn

What do children and tattoos have in common?

Both are pretty permanent, but can be removed with lasers.

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.

It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.

The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.

After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.

The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it....

if it weren't for those medaling kids!

Showerthoughts removed my original, so going for gold here.

What do you call an intestine that's been partially removed?

A semicolon!

My English teacher had part of his intestines removed

Now all he ever talks about is his semicolon

I removed the shell from my pet snail...

because I thought it would move around quicker. Now it's just really sluggish

A man is lost in the back roads of Vermont when he collides with a local at the intersection...

He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.
"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Why don't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed the jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.
After taking a good slug, the tourist handed the jug back to the local, who banged the stopper and set the jug back in his truck.
"Aren't you going to have some?" asked the tourist.
The local shook his head. "Not till after the officer comes."

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.

The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.

I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

I need to get my spine removed..

It's been holding me back my whole life

A doctor overhears two 8 year olds on hospital beds next to each other

The first one leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kids says, "I'm here to get my tonsils removed, I'm a little scared."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about, I did that when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice cream, and it's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid gasps, "Woah, good luck buddy, I had that done a long time ago..."

"**I couldn't walk for a year"**

I removed the shell of my racing snail to make it go faster.

But it just made it more sluggish.

When he gently removed her bra, she whispered

why were you wearing my bra?

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

My local dental hygienist passed away last week.

A plaque was put up in her honour, but it kept getting removed.

Is there an f in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. Where's your lieutenant? he asks a private.

Sir, there isn't a lieutenant assigned to this post.

I was told there was.

No, sir, no lieutenant here.

I'm pretty sure there is.

The private thinks about it for a moment. Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word 'rifle' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

Well, 'rile' I suppose.

That's what I thought. And sir, if you took the word 'draft' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

Amused, the major answers, 'Drat' I guess.

And sir, if you took the word 'lieutenant' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

The major says, There is no 'f' in lieutenant.

That's what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin' lieutenant.

A young couple on their wedding night. . .

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

She finally said, "Don't tell me, let me guess . . . smallcox?"

Trumpcare

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."

I'd make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

I removed my snail's shell because I thought it would make him faster

It seems it only made him more sluggish.

What happens to a Jewish boy's foreskin as he reaches his coming of age?

(removed)

A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..

She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?

The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?

The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if you remove both rear legs from a frog, it becomes deaf.

I went through a grueling and expensive procedure yesterday, having my spine and BOTH testicles removed

Still, the wedding presents were amazing

Two 12 year olds are in the hospital...

Two 12 year old boys are in the hospital, both on gurneys waiting to be wheeled into surgery. The first boy says to the other, "What are you here for?"

 

The second boy says, "I'm having my tonsils removed."

 

"Oh, I had my tonsils removed a few years ago. It wasn't that bad, and I got lots of ice cream after."

 

"So what are you here for?", asks the second boy.

 

"I'm getting a circumcision."

 

"Oh geez, good luck. I had mine done when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for 12 months afterwards."

 

Credit goes to my Finance professor, who told this joke as his opening statement for his retirement banquet speech.

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow.

I was then removed from the funeral.

Book, you look so much thinner!

I know! I had my appendix removed!

Read this one a couple years ago, a little dirty but pretty funny.

In a local park trees are being removed to clear space for a playground. As the men are working, a group of world conservationalists climb the trees and protest to the removal. As one woman was chanting she slipped and fell out of the tree falling on a few branches on the way down. With her genitals full of splinters and bark she was rushed to the emergency room. She was looked at by the doctor and he told her to wait. After a few hours in excruciating pain he came back and she yelled at him for taking so long. He told her "Sorry, I had to get the right permits to remove lumber from a recreational area."

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false.

The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.

Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.

The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on.

"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

Why is Darth Vader's helmet so phallic?

...because when they hid Luke & Leia from him, they removed his force kin.

A math teacher went to school drunk...

He told the class that they were going to learn derivatives and then proceeded to pass out. He was removed from the school and fired immediately. The lesson?

Don't drink and derive

I removed the shell from my racing snail to help him go faster

If anything , it made him more sluggish

The dinner prayer

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family into prayer...

Little Boy:Β But I dont know how to pray

Dad:Β Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc

Little Boy:Β "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.

Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work."

Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

My friend came up to me

He said, "Can you ever remember a time where you removed a wig?"

I said, "Not off the top of my head."

The owner of a racehorse is angry

The owner of a racehorse is angry because the horse he paid so much money for has yet to win a race.

Listen to me, the man says, grabbing the horse by the harness. You'd better win this race or you'll be working the farm tomorrow.

The horses line up in the gates, the starting gun sounds, and the gate is removed. All of the horses take off for the finish line, except the owner's horse. He is fast asleep in his starting pen.

What the heck do you think you're doing? the owner yells at the horse.

I'm grabbing some rest, says the horse. I've got to work the farm early tomorrow morning.

A lion who's been removed from its family..

..has been stripped of it's pride.

Another blonde joke

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated.
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said-I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude.
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-
Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!
As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled-Yes, Yes, I Won.. I Won..
She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.
The dealers gazed at each other,dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-
What number rolled on the dice?
The other-I don't know,I thought you were watching.
Moral of the story..
1.Not All drunks are Drunk.
2.Not all Blondes are dumb,
3.But all Men are Men!!! πŸ˜‰

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

So yesterday I was getting a mole removed...

The dermatologist explained that since it grew back looking cancerous, they'd have to cut a bigger section out, which would require a few stitches. Anyways, the procedure is underway, and I'm laying face down as they're cutting into me. It's a little quiet so I try to lighten the atmosphere with a joke.

"You guys know that this mole spoke to me. It could actually talk!" The nurse was a little confused by this and responded, weakly "oh, really?". I said "Yeah, he used to talk to me all the time. He said I could never tell anyone that he was on my back, because 'Snitches... Get Stitches.'"

It was pretty silent after that. The doctor let out a snort/cough/chuckle after thinking about it. But I'm still not sure if the joke was worth the awkwardness.

Experimenting on a frog

----Experiment log #1938----

Removed the front legs of a frog and asked it to jump. The frog jumped.

Conclusion: when you remove the front legs of a frog, it can still jump.

___________________________________________

Removed the back legs of a frog. Asked it to jump. The frog jumped.

Conclusion: When you remove the back legs of a frog, it can still jump.

___________________________________________

Removed all the legs of a frog. Asked it to jump. The frog did not jump.

Conclusion: When you remove all the legs of a frog, it becomes deaf.

Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!

They are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.

The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.

The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.

The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling.
Some were considered prime suspects in 9's death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well.
6 snuck into 7's house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly improper position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9's body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9.
6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

What are the funniest removed jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Removed? Well, here are the best Removed puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Removed pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes