Remove Jokes

172 remove jokes and hilarious remove puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about remove that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Learn how to remove offensive jokes from your conversations. Find out why it’s important to unhook from jokes and how to draino the negativity. Get tips on how to surgically remove jokes with sensitive topics.

Funniest Remove Short Jokes

Short remove jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The remove humour may include short delete jokes also.

  1. Why was my post removed Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?
    I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
  2. Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in number had never bothered him before. Get it?
  3. Why was my post removed? Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?
    I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.
  4. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
  5. The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store. But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new star. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
  6. Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
    1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
  7. What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common? They both slowly remove clogs.
    I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
    Thanks for the gold !
  8. I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell... It only made it more sluggish.
  9. Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious
  10. I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

Share These Remove Jokes With Friends

Remove One Liners

Which remove one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with remove? I can suggest the ones about erase and subtract.

  1. Roses are red, reposting is lame, [this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]
  2. I'd like to dedicate this joke to my wisdom teeth. [Removed]
  3. Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
  4. A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar. - comedy removed due to complaints -
  5. What happened to king Henry the VIII's wife's head? (removed)
  6. A wife is like a hand grenade... remove the ring and your house is gone!
  7. How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.
  8. I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery hashtag nofilter
  9. How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb? \[removed\]
  10. How do you make 7 even? By removing the S
  11. How do you turn Six into Nine? Remove the S
  12. My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. we call him Phil now
  13. My kid swallowed a torch today... It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.
  14. im thinking about removing my spine... i feel like its only holding me back
  15. What do you call a unicorn that's had its horn removed. Eunuchorn

Surgery Remove Jokes

Here is a list of funny surgery remove jokes and even better surgery remove puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery.. Me why?
  • Why did FIFA have surgery? They had to remove their Blatter.
  • After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.
  • I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade! Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.
  • A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.
    Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.
  • My English professor had a colonoscopy... Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
  • Had my wisdom teeth removed and the doc wrote me a script for oxys The percs of dental surgery
  • Today I Saw A Living Tea Cup. But it was missing an arm, so I asked "what happened to your arm?"
    He reply with "I had to get surgery to remove it."
    "So I guess your an amputea?"
  • My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed.
  • I got breast removal surgery... Sorry I had to get that of my chest

Remove Appendix Jokes

Here is a list of funny remove appendix jokes and even better remove appendix puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!
  • I just found out a friend of mine had their appendix removed... ... so I asked what the surgical team had decided to do with the forward, introduction, contents, glossary and index?
  • My doctor removed my appendix... Now all that's left is the table of contents.
  • Why did the book get stitches? Because he had his appendix removed.
    note: books can also be female.
  • What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book? He removed the appendix!
  • I had my appendix removed a few years ago... I hope I never need surgery again. If I do, how will the surgeon be able to find anything in my body?
  • Why did the student stop citing references? Because he had his appendix removed.
  • When your appendix is removed it's called an appendectomy. When your u**... is removed it's called a hysterectomy. What's it called when you have a growth removed from your head? A haircut.
  • Doctor: we had to remove your appendix **JRR Tolkien:** but that's where I explain why elves hate dwarves
  • Surgical operations When you get your tonsils removed: tonsillectomy
    When you have your appendix removed: appendicectomy
    When a woman has a s**... change: addadictomy
Remove joke, Surgical operations

Remove Blackheads Jokes

Here is a list of funny remove blackheads jokes and even better remove blackheads puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a guillotine for black people? Racist.
    Also, a blackhead remover.
  • Boko Haram are great at skin care. They specialize in blackhead removal
  • No one likes blackheads! A very bad slogan for a blackhead removal cream.
  • Just found about my dermatologist is a bember of k**... Guess he has a thing for removing blackheads
Remove joke, Just found about my dermatologist is a bember of k**...

Hilarious Remove Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about remove you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean undo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make remove pranks.

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have s**... with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Princess Diana Jokes

What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.
How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.
Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can c**....
How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
Yes I am a horrible person wow.

Tatoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.
The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"
The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".
The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.
The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."
The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"
The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely w**... Nelson."

Two men are out on the street with only $3.00...

The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start s**... on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."

How does Justin Bieber remove his c**... after s**...?

He farts.

My niece comes up with the best kid jokes. Why did the scientist remove his doorbell?

He wanted to to win the **Nobel Prize!**

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just the two... but it takes a whole dedicated team at emergency to remove it.

A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.
So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my legs".
The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"
"It's for my schnauzer. "
Then don't ride your bike for a few days.

I want to work for YouTube.

It sounds so easy! All you have to do is remove a few lines of code everyday!

Why were the elephants asked to leave the n**... beach?

They refused to remove their trunks.

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the p**...
in long relationship you gently remove the p**...
in marriage you wash and dry the p**.... then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

A police officer pulled over an Amish couple in a buggy

"Sir, I'm going to need you to remove the strap from around that horse's t**.... That's just inhumane."
"WHAT'S HE SAYIN'?", the old man asked his wife.
"I think there might be something wrong with the emergency brake."

I removed the shell from my pet snail...

because I thought it would move around quicker. Now it's just really sluggish

Blonde and The Holy Man

Blonde: "I have heard that you can perform miracles. Can you demonstrate it to me?"
Holy Man: "Sure, why not. Remove your jeans, turn around and then bend down".
Blonde does as asked.
Holy Man: "Now can you feel my finger?"
Blonde: "Yes".
Holy Man: "But see, both my hands are up".
Blonde: "Wow. Superb".

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.

A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and p**...."
"Yes, madam."
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

A guy goes to the doctor with a pain in his rear end

The doctor has a look and says, "This is could be serious, you seem to have a lettuce leaf stuck in there. I can remove it easily enough, but it may just be the tip of the iceberg."

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the whole Emergency Room to remove it.

Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

I removed the shell of my racing snail to make it go faster.

But it just made it more sluggish.

How do you make a Sea Lion?

You remove an electron from a Seal!

The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...

But it turns out it was all in vain

How does a sailor remove a c**...?

He farts

A gun made by an SJW would be interesting

Because they'd remove the trigger.

A Black Man and a White Man fall out of a tree... Who hits the ground first?

The White Man, of course...
Because the Black man was stopped by the rope.
p.s. Mods, please remove if inappropriate or whatever.

Capital letters...

...the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally h**....

Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish

If I had to remove any part in my body

I'd remove my spine, it's holding me back.

What's the difference between acetone and h**...?

One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.

How many g**... does it take to put in a lightbulb?

How many g**... does it take to put in a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes a whole emergency room to remove it.

What should you do before cooking the vegetables?

Remove the wheelchair

Apparently there is a way to permanently remove memories

But I forgot it.

Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4?

They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.

I'm not saying let's go kill all the s**... people

I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war

while French people remove the red and blue colour

At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.

They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.

I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth

I never realized just how much blood I was eating

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.
They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.
They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.
After much discussion they could conclude that if you remove both rear legs from a frog, it becomes deaf.

How do Buddhist monks send emails?

They remove all attachments.

How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool?

You ask them to leave.

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

h**... uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

What do h**... and teenage girls have in common?

They both use chemicals to remove the polish.

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

Sieg Heil by Covergirl

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics.
h**... does the same thing and everyone loses their minds.

Using chemicals to remove polish is fine...

But use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're suddenly h**...!

Trump proposed new regulations for the airline industry...

Because even h**... didn't remove passengers with reserved seats.

An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.

He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.
**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."
**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."
(The next day, after the procedure...)
**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.
We had to remove your entire brain. There is of course the option of installing a monkey brain."
**Patient**: "Non, non, non. -C'est magnifique!"

My doctor told me to remove trans fats...

Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and p**...."
and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

How do you peel a banana?

1. Get banana sunburned. Banana will soon begin to peel.
2. Scare banana. Grab skin when it jumps out of it.
3. Hypnotize banana. Tell banana it is a snake. Banana will shed skin.
4. Call banana yellow. Banana will want to fight. Will remove jacket.

Texas refuses to remove its statues.

Hurricane volunteers to help.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it

Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

A mom caught her son jacking in the garage...

...she said to him, "Look son, I know you are at the age where you are curious and want to experiment with these kinds of things.... but please stop trying to remove the wheels of the car!"

I'm 1/16th Cherokee...

Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.

How do you make an art student's car go faster?

Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!

A girl uses chemicals to remove polish and no one looks twice

And yet when h**... tried it, everyone threw a fit

I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.

I removed my snail's shell because I thought it would make him faster

It seems it only made him more sluggish.

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

I removed the shell from my racing snail to help him go faster

If anything , it made him more sluggish

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I f**..., the room smells incredible.

Technologically slow dad

Asks his son
"Son, can you show me how to remove a picture I posted on Facebook?
Son, busy, replies
"Why do you ask me every time? Why don't you ask someone else to teach you?"
Dad replies
"Well, a man always learns from his mistakes!"

The oxford english dictonary once debated whether or not to remove the letter 'u' from the alphabet. Why didn't they?

Because of Rick Astley

I bought a new deodorant yesterday.

The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom." Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?

I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

I removed the shell from my racing snail thinking he'd be faster..

He's actually more sluggish now.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.

my girlfriend refuses to remove her leg hair

man...I hate these anti-waxxers

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I f**....

She told me to remove the bra, so i did. Then she told me to remove the p**..., so i did. Then she looked me the eyes and said

Stop wearing my underwear.

What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone

Donald Trump better not remove Justice Ginsberg from the supreme court.

that would be ruthless

What is the similarity between acetone and h**...?

They both remove polish

Remove joke, What is the similarity between acetone and h**...?

jokes about remove