Remove Jokes

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Wives are like grenades...

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

A wife is like a hand grenade...

remove the ring and your house is gone!

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".

I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4?

They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.

A girl uses chemicals to remove polish and no one looks twice

And yet when Hitler tried it, everyone threw a fit

How do you turn a seal into a sea lion?

Remove an electron.

I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

I removed the shell from my racing snail thinking he'd be faster..

He's actually more sluggish now.

How do you turn Six into Nine?

Remove the S

How does Justin Bieber remove his condom after sex?

He farts.

Using chemicals to remove polish is fine...

But use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're suddenly Hitler!

Sieg Heil by Covergirl

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics.
Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds.

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the whole Emergency Room to remove it.

I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth

I never realized just how much blood I was eating

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

I'm 1/16th Cherokee...

Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.

I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.

Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people

I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war

while French people remove the red and blue colour

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.

How do you make an art student's car go faster?

Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!

What do Hitler and teenage girls have in common?

They both use chemicals to remove the polish.

A man woke up in the hospital...

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but we've had to remove your colon.

Me why?

My niece comes up with the best kid jokes. Why did the scientist remove his doorbell?

He wanted to to win the **Nobel Prize!**

Capital letters...

...the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.

How do you make a Sea Lion?

You remove an electron from a Seal!

An old woman walked into a dentist's office (mild NSFW)

took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''


''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

How many gays does it take to put in a lightbulb?

How many gays does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes a whole emergency room to remove it.

What should you do before cooking the vegetables?

Remove the wheelchair

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday.

The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom." Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?

What's the difference between acetone and Hitler?

One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it

Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

Tatoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.

The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"

The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".

The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.

The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."

The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"

The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."

A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.

So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my legs".

The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"

"It's for my schnauzer. "

Then don't ride your bike for a few days.

Two men are out on the street with only $3.00...

The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start sucking on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.

The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.

This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here

The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it

I removed the shell from my pet snail...

because I thought it would move around quicker. Now it's just really sluggish

Princess Diana Jokes

What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.

How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.

Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can crash.

How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.

What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

Yes I am a horrible person wow.

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

How do Buddhist monks send emails?

They remove all attachments.

A shy woman decides to have surgery

She wants to have surgery to remove her large vaginal lips which have always made her self conscious. She finds a doctor and schedules the procedure but swears him to secrecy. "No one can ever know" she admonishes, and he agrees. After the anesthesia wears off she awakes to find three roses on her hospital tray. Angry, she calls for the doctor.

"Let me explain" the doctor says..."No one knows...the first rose is from me. I know how difficult this was for you. The second is from my nurse...she had the same procedure a year ago"

The woman is somewhat calmer. "But what about the third???"

The doctor says "Now don't get upset...He doesn't know who you are. But the man in the burn unit wanted to thank you for his new ears".

I removed the shell of my racing snail to make it go faster.

But it just made it more sluggish.

In Soviet Russia, Comrade Wolf is going through his kill list.

Comrade Goat approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

**"Yes."**

*"Give me one day to bid farewell to my family"*, Comrade Goat pleads.

***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Goat after a day.

.

The next day, Comrade Ox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

***"Yes."***

*"Let me sort out my affairs. Please kill me tomorrow"*, Comrade Ox begs.

***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Ox after a day.

.

On the third day, Comrade Fox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

***"Yes."***

*"Could you please remove it?"*

***"Okay."***

A woman goes into the doctor and tells him she was masturbating a little too furiously, and her vibrator got stuck.

The doctor examines her and tells her, "Well, the bad news is, it's going to cost $1000 to remove it."

The woman says, "Well, how much does it cost just to change the batteries?"

Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish

Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.

The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.

The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim.

The third one says "Lord, remove this obstacle from my path." There is a flash of light and the young lieutenant turns into a woman. Crossing a Water Obstacle is no longer part of her test and she is applauded by the media for being so strong and independent. She has a loyal group of male followers who dote on her every day and she lives happily ever after.

A driver walks into a bar with a pet...

A driver walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.

The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle:)

The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...

But it turns out it was all in vain

I removed my snail's shell because I thought it would make him faster

It seems it only made him more sluggish.

A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and panties."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

The lipstick problem

My local middle school had a problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

How does a sailor remove a condom?

He farts

Inner city youths

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of a car in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the Mc Laren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the inner city youths as most races could be won or lost in the pits.
the first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the Mc Laren team boss noticed a real problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!.

Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

He puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd mumurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

A mom caught her son jacking in the garage...

...she said to him, "Look son, I know you are at the age where you are curious and want to experiment with these kinds of things.... but please stop trying to remove the wheels of the car!"

Car Keys

Tom and Barney got out and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key from the ignition.

Realizing their mistake, Tom asked, "Why don't we use a coat hanger to open it?"

"No, that won't work," answered Barney. "People will think we're trying to break in."

So Tom suggested, "What if we use a pocketknife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in, and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Barney. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Tom, "we'd better thing of something quick. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

My doctor told me to remove trans fats...

Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?

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