Remove Jokes
157 remove jokes and hilarious remove puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about remove that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn how to remove offensive jokes from your conversations. Find out why it’s important to unhook from jokes and how to draino the negativity. Get tips on how to surgically remove jokes with sensitive topics.
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Funniest Remove Short Jokes
Short remove jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The remove humour may include short delete jokes also.
- Why was my post removed Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over. - Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in number had never bothered him before. Get it?
- I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
- The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store. But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new star. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
- Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat. - What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common? They both slowly remove clogs.
I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold ! - I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell... It only made it more sluggish.
- Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious
- Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket
- What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common? Remove the ring and your house is gone
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Remove One Liners
Which remove one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with remove? I can suggest the ones about erase and subtract.
- Roses are red, reposting is lame, [this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]
- I'd like to dedicate this joke to my wisdom teeth. [Removed]
- A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar. - comedy removed due to complaints -
- What happened to king Henry the VIII's wife's head? (removed)
- How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.
- I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery hashtag nofilter
- How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb? \[removed\]
- How do you make 7 even? By removing the S
- How do you turn Six into Nine? Remove the S
- My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. we call him Phil now
- My kid swallowed a torch today... It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.
- What do you call a unicorn that's had its horn removed. Eunuchorn
- Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery.. Me why?
- My father was a conjoined twin. His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.
- What should you do before cooking the vegetables? Remove the wheelchair
Surgery Remove Jokes
Here is a list of funny surgery remove jokes and even better surgery remove puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did FIFA have surgery? They had to remove their Blatter.
- After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.
- I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade! Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.
- A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.
Media was alerted by an anonymous tip. - My English professor had a colonoscopy... Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
- Had my wisdom teeth removed and the doc wrote me a script for oxys The percs of dental surgery
- Today I Saw A Living Tea Cup. But it was missing an arm, so I asked "what happened to your arm?"
He reply with "I had to get surgery to remove it."
"Oh"
"So I guess your an amputea?" - My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed.
- I got breast removal surgery... Sorry I had to get that of my chest
- I had my appendix removed a few years ago... I hope I never need surgery again. If I do, how will the surgeon be able to find anything in my body?
Remove Blackheads Jokes
Here is a list of funny remove blackheads jokes and even better remove blackheads puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Boko Haram are great at skin care. They specialize in blackhead removal
- No one likes blackheads! A very bad slogan for a blackhead removal cream.
Hilarious Remove Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about remove you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean undo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make remove pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have s**... with your cousin?
[Twice removed]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Princess Diana Jokes
What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.
How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.
Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can c**....
How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
Yes I am a horrible person wow.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tatoos of Elvis
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.
The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"
The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".
The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.
The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."
The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"
The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely w**... Nelson."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are out on the street with only $3.00...
The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start s**... on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does Justin Bieber remove his c**... after s**...?
He farts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scot finished making love with a woman, and heads to the bathroom.
She sees him remove and wash off his c**.... She says, "You Scots certainly are cheap b**...!"
The guy responds, "Hey, I have to clean it. It belongs to the club!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My niece comes up with the best kid jokes. Why did the scientist remove his doorbell?
He wanted to to win the **Nobel Prize!**
Practice makes perfect.
But only if you remove the A, the I, a C, add an F and an E and then rearrange the letters.
A man takes his dog to a vet...
A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.
So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my legs".
The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"
"It's for my schnauzer. "
Then don't ride your bike for a few days.
I want to work for YouTube.
It sounds so easy! All you have to do is remove a few lines of code everyday!
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why were the elephants asked to leave the n**... beach?
They refused to remove their trunks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?
in one night stand you tear off the p**...
in long relationship you gently remove the p**...
in marriage you wash and dry the p**.... then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulled over an Amish couple in a buggy
"Sir, I'm going to need you to remove the strap from around that horse's t**.... That's just inhumane."
"WHAT'S HE SAYIN'?", the old man asked his wife.
"I think there might be something wrong with the emergency brake."
Blonde and The Holy Man
Blonde: "I have heard that you can perform miracles. Can you demonstrate it to me?"
Holy Man: "Sure, why not. Remove your jeans, turn around and then bend down".
Blonde does as asked.
Holy Man: "Now can you feel my finger?"
Blonde: "Yes".
Holy Man: "But see, both my hands are up".
Blonde: "Wow. Superb".
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early
When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and p**...."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
who enjoys s**... more - man or woman?
A man and woman got into an argument over who enjoyed s**... more.
The man argued,"Of course men enjoy s**... more than women, no doubt about it!".
The woman replied,"Oh yeah? Well tell me this if your ears itch and you put in your finger inside and wiggle a bit and remove it, which feels better the ear or finger?
Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?
He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife is like a hand grenade...
remove the ring and your house is gone!
What's the biggest similarity between a bottle of Draino and a Danish stripper?
They both slowly remove clogs.
^^They're ^^also ^^both ^^in ^^a ^^barrel ^^in ^^my ^^garage.
The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...
But it turns out it was all in vain
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a sailor remove a c**...?
He farts
What do you get when you remove the center board from a wood bridge?
A paradox.
A gun made by an SJW would be interesting
Because they'd remove the trigger.
Yes, very brave
I went to the dentist to have a tooth removed, as I was in a rush I said, 'Look I don't want any anesthetic, no laughing gas, I just want you to remove the tooth as quickly as possible'. 'That's very brave of you sir', said the dentist. 'Now which tooth is it?'. I turned to my wife and said, 'Go on honey tell him which tooth'
.
A Black Man and a White Man fall out of a tree... Who hits the ground first?
The White Man, of course...
Because the Black man was stopped by the rope.
p.s. Mods, please remove if inappropriate or whatever.
Capital letters...
...the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.
What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?
Remove only the top 1% please.
Never remove the shells from racing snails
it makes them sluggish
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wives are like grenades...
Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between acetone and h**...?
One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many g**... does it take to put in a lightbulb?
How many g**... does it take to put in a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes a whole emergency room to remove it.
Apparently there is a way to permanently remove memories
But I forgot it.
Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4?
They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not saying let's go kill all the s**... people
I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war
while French people remove the red and blue colour
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the worst about a being black AND Jewish?
Sitting in the back of the oven.
Sorry if this is considered extremely racist mods, please remove if you consider it to be!
How do you make a witch scratch?
Remove the w
At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.
They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth
I never realized just how much blood I was eating
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between the Polish and polish?
No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you
How do you milk a sheep and make a profit?
Remove the audio jack
How do Buddhist monks send emails?
They remove all attachments.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital.
Especially after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye
h**... uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever someone says to me "Please make yourself at home"
I remove all my clothes and start m**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do h**... and teenage girls have in common?
They both use chemicals to remove the polish.
Had to remove the seconds hand from my watch..
was really starting to tick me off
I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it
Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Using chemicals to remove polish is fine...
But use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're suddenly h**...!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump proposed new regulations for the airline industry...
Because even h**... didn't remove passengers with reserved seats.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.
He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.
**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."
**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."
(The next day, after the procedure...)
**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.
We had to remove your entire brain. There is of course the option of installing a monkey brain."
**Patient**: "Non, non, non. -C'est magnifique!"
My doctor told me to remove trans fats...
Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So Germany is going to fine companies that fail to remove hate speech and t**... related content...
Maybe instead of companies like YouTube manually checking videos, they should just Autobahn.
How do you get -0?
Tell 8 to remove the belt
...I'll see myself out
What's the first step to preparing American cuisine?
Remove packaging and pierce film
Why is Apple not very good at cards?
All it can do is remove all the Jacks...
How do you peel a banana?
1. Get banana sunburned. Banana will soon begin to peel.
2. Scare banana. Grab skin when it jumps out of it.
3. Hypnotize banana. Tell banana it is a snake. Banana will shed skin.
4. Call banana yellow. Banana will want to fight. Will remove jacket.
Texas refuses to remove its statues.
Hurricane volunteers to help.
On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.
On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.
Why did the blonde girl remove the bathroom door?
So that she can't be spied on through a keyhole.
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?
Because everyone likes a little naan fiction
I'm 1/16th Cherokee...
Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.
How do you make an art student's car go faster?
Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bookseller in German-occupied Copenhagen came up with a new idea to help sell books...
He displayed a book and poster in his shop window saying "English In 50 Hours, Learn English Before The Tommies Arrive."
He was immediately ordered by the n**... to remove it.
On the next day he put up a new book and poster in the same window that said "German In 50 Hours, Learn German Before Our Friends The Germans Depart."
I invented a robot to remove the cartridge from my gaming console and replace it with another.
It was a game changer!
Technologically slow dad
Asks his son
"Son, can you show me how to remove a picture I posted on Facebook?
Son, busy, replies
"Why do you ask me every time? Why don't you ask someone else to teach you?"
Dad replies
"Well, a man always learns from his mistakes!"
The oxford english dictonary once debated whether or not to remove the letter 'u' from the alphabet. Why didn't they?
Because of Rick Astley
An American brings a Chinese Man to a hotdog stand.
The American orders a hotdog and assures the Chinese Man that the food here is very good.
When the hotdog is finished cooking and served, the Chinese Man begins to look pale.
The American asks, What's wrong?
The Chinese Man replies, When we eat dogs, we typically remove this part of the body.
I bought a new deodorant yesterday.
The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom." Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I before E, except after C.
We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.
What do you get when you remove the venom from a snake?
A belt.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.
A woman was having surgery
A woman was having surgery to have her left leg amputated, due to gangrene. Unfortunately, the doctor mistakenly removed her right leg.
Realising his mistake while she was still under anaesthesia, he proceeded to remove her left left.
Later on, she sued the doctor for malpractice, but the jury did not come back in her favor.
They said she didn't have a leg to stand on!
my girlfriend refuses to remove her leg hair
man...I hate these anti-waxxers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
She told me to remove the bra, so i did. Then she told me to remove the p**..., so i did. Then she looked me the eyes and said
Stop wearing my underwear.
