Remembers Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Remembers puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Remembers

Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.

[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

What do you call a bird who never remembers song lyrics?

A hummingbird

How does a black mother tell her children apart?

She remembers them by their last names.

Childhood is like getting drunk..

... everyone remembers what you did except you.

A man visits his 70th class reunion

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Do you remember when people didn't have to make pop culture references to make a joke?

Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.

He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads

Dear Joey

Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.

Love Grandma

A boy goes to the circus

and one of the sideshows is a tent that says "Man Who Remembers Everything." Intrigued, the boy goes inside and sees an old Native American man sitting on the ground. He approaches the man and asks, "If you remember everything, what did you have for breakfast exactly three weeks ago?"

Without hesitation, the man responds, "Eggs." The boy is sufficiently impressed and leaves to enjoy the rest of the circus.

Many years later, the boy has grown up, gotten married, and had children. One day he takes his family to the circus and is shocked to see the Man Who Remembers Everything is still there. He brings his family into the tent, and there is the same old man sitting on the ground.

Excited to see the old man again, he walks up and greets him, "How!"

The old man looks into his eyes and replies, "Scrambled."

Knock knock

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave who?

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.

When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.

A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over

One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

There was a guy on a road trip who stopped at a rest stop at an Indian reservation

While paying for his items he asked that clerk about a strange man standing out front. The cashier said that's Running Wolf, he remembers everything. On his way out the man deciding to try out the Indians memory asks him what he had for breakfast. The Indian replies "Eggs". The man is slightly impressed but decides he has no better questions and leaves. Years latter the man unknowingly stops at the same rest stop and when he sees an old Indian man he greets him by saying "How". The Indian replies "Scrambled".

Don Sterling is so old and so racist...

...He remembers when the NBA draft took place on a dock.

A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.

"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.

They are having sex when the man asks for a blow job. She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don't want to see a single dish in that sink tonight." He eagerly agrees.

The wife gives her husband a blow job, and when she's done, the man pulls out a blindfold. Surprised, the wife purrs, "What are you going to do to me?"

Perplexed, the husband responds: "You said you didn't want to see the dishes."

A penguin is driving through the desert...

and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He takes it to a nearby shop. The penguin leaves the car at the shop and goes to get ice cream. The clumsy little penguin spills ice cream all over himself. Suddenly, he remembers his car at the shop. He quickly runs back without cleaning the ice cream off of himself. Once at the shop, the penguin checks in with the mechanic.

"Looks like you blew a seal." the mechanic says.

"No- I was just eating ice cream." the penguin replied.

A boy was nervous about his first date

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card:

"If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Latvian Dreamin'

Little boy go to father. Is midnight. Say boy, "Father! I dream I is Mr. Potato! Have big eyes and smile! Even having shoes! I wish I Mr. Potato for all ever!"

Man woke in midnight all sudden. Rubs eyes. Remembers boy dead by mule, and is no potato. Only cold. Is all dream. Lay back on dirt. No smiles. No shoes.

An old couple is laying in bed when the old lady remembers that she needs some money for groceries...

She whispers into the old man's ear: "Can you lend me $100? ".
The man answers: "Sorry dear but I can't hear you. You know this ear of mine is deaf, try the other ear".
The old lady scoots and whispers into his other ear: "Can you lend me $200?".
The old man is astonished and replies: "Can you whisper into my $100 ear again?"

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!" "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven's been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

[NSFW] A man has a pet duck...

The man tries to take his duck to go watch a movie

However, the theatre attendants forbid the man from taking his pet duck inside the cinema.

The man does not get discoraged and decides to sneak in his duck by placing it in his pants.

He successfully makes it inside the cinema with his duck and sits besides two women.

The man then remembers that the duck has to breathe and so he pulls down his pant's zipper so the duck may breathe .

Once the movie starts one of the women besides the man tells the other woman, "That man's *thing* is showing..."

To this the other woman replies , "What's the matter? Have you not seen one before?"

The other woman answered, "Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn!"

Why was six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

A third grade teacher addresses her class

..."alright class" she says, "before I let you go for spring break I want to remind you that I'm getting married this weekend and I'm no longer going to be Ms. Stevens I'm going to be Mrs. Prussy"

She writes M R S. P R U S S Y in big cursive letters on the blackboard and says "whomever remembers my new name when we come back from break gets a gold star for the day"

The ten days comes and goes and she's standing in front of her class early Monday morning and says"good morning class, I hope you all remembered that I got married over the break and my name isn't Ms. Stevens any more it's Mrs" And she writes M R S on the blackboard, turns around to a sea of blank faces.
Then one hand shoots up in the back

"oh! oh! Mrs. Crunt"

Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

Dave and Steve are out back at a party, smoking and talking

Dave turns to Steve and starts telling what he thought was a hilarious joke. After he's finished, Dave is confused, as Steve isn't laughing at all. Then he remembers it's an inside joke.

Divorced Barbie

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's
birthday.

He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?"

"We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles."

A man farts in public in a small city...

He is so embarrassed that he leaves the city. 10 years later he thinks well, it has been a long time and nobody remembers what I did... It's time to go back home. He is back and meets a kid. Asks him how old he is. The kid answers I don't know but everybody says that I was born the same year Joe farted.

Yo mama so old,

She remembers the first repost.

Say what you want about Facebook...

But at least it remembers your birthday when nobody else does.

Being a child is like being drunk.

Everybody remembers what you did exept you.

Indian who remembers everything

A man was driving on his way to a business meeting amd had free time. He seen a billboard that said "Indian who remembers everything. Take next right."

The man decides to a pulls up. He sees and old Indian man sitting in front of a camper in a lawn chair. He walks up to him "how" and raises his hand

The Indian rolls his eyes and said "what would you like to know?"

"What did I have for breakfast ten years ago?"

"That's easy. Eggs."

"No, anyone could have guessed this. This is bull." And the man drove off.

Ten years later he's driving by and sees the sign. He can't believe the old man is still alive. He pulls up and walks over. "How"

"Scrambled."

You can call me...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to an extremely attractive woman. The man buys the woman a drink and they begin talking. As the night progresses he remembers he never got her name and ask her what it is. She replies, "My friends call me Carmen. Its easy to remember because its two of my favorite things, Cars and Men. Whats your name?" To which he replies, "You can call me Golftits."

A man buys a talking centipede for a pet...

When he gets home, he puts down his new pet's box, and lets him get adjusted. After a while, the man gets hungry, and starts getting ready to go out to dinner. Before he walks out the door, he remembers the centipede and asks him if he would like to come with him. After waiting a few minutes, he had received no response. He then gently knocked on the box and asked him once more. After waiting again, no response. Finally, he banged on the box several times, yelled if he would like to join him for dinner, and put his ear up to the box. He was at last greeted with a tiny voice saying, "I heard you the first time, I was just putting my shoes on."

A man walks the streets of London

He sees a begar with wooden leg and thinks: a criple, classic... But then he sees that he has a tag: Falkland veteran. The men remembers what was that about and tells himself: This man fought for me, when i was lying at home. So he gives the begar ten pounds.
And the begar answers: Gracias senor, gracias.

A girl says she remembers me from the vegetarian convention...

...but I swear I've never met herbivore.

History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the "Lazy Susan",

but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife.

REQUEST: Jokes about Italians

I vaguely remember a joke about Italians talking with their hands, maybe while driving and/or on cell phones. If anyone remembers a joke like this, I will give them all of my upvote.

Lawyer joke

There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.

He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"

The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

We all remember Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone...

But no one ever remembers Alexander Graham Kowalczyk, the first telephone pole.

A twist on a classic

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child support, refuses to get a job to avoid wage garnishment, and yet somehow manages to go on vacations to Mexico with their floozy 20-year-old girlfriend Chastity. F**K YOU, ALAN!!!

The Photo

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.

He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Get a haircut; it makes your nose look too short."
Love Grandma

Whats the best way to commit suicide?

High explosives. Even if no one remembers you, you will be mist.

A man is visiting a prison. Suddenly, on his right, a man yells "20!" And everyone dies of laughter.

After the laughter dies down, a different man yells "5!", getting the same reaction.

When the visitor asks an inmate, "What's going on?", the visitor replies "Well, we've all been here so long, we numbered our jokes. So when we say a specific number, everyone remembers the same joke."

So the visitor says "Let me try", and calls out "12!"

The visitor was met with stone-cold silence.

Embarrassed, the visitor turns to leave. But as he's at the door, he asks an inmate "What happened?"

To which the inmate replied "You told it wrong, man."

Sorry if this is a repost

LPT: Drunk Husband, Happy Wife

I'll try to translate as good as i can:

After a long night of drinking a husband and father comes home and blacks out. In the morning he sees his wife and prepares for her being mad but she's all happy and smiling. So he asks his son if he remembers what happened yesterday. "I sure do. You rang the bell for a solid 5 Minutes, then you puked on the floor, went to bed singing Hallelujah and passed out." The husband wondered why his wife was not mad at all and asked if that's all that happened. His son replies: "Well after cleaning up Mum tried to take off your pants and you said: Stop it Lady! I am happily married!"

A blonde gets stuck in a snow storm,

She remembers her dad told her to follow a snow-plow incase this happends. She finds one and starts following it, the wind starts blowing hard, the plow keeps turning and she is having a hard time following it. The driver finally stops and goes over to her car and knocks on her window, she opens it up a crack and he asks what she is doing. "My dad once told me to follow a snow-plow incase of a snow storm" she says, he replies "Well in that case, come on we are doing the walmart parking-lot next."

I'll never forget how my grandfather died...

Every one in our family remembers it - he didn't hesitate, he looked calmly, then pushed forward, charging into the face of death, and managed to kill 5 of em' before a piece of shrapnel ended his life...

Meanwhile my grandma was shouting "IT'S A RED LIGHT!"

A heavily pregnant Women and her husband are in a car crash

They both fall into a coma and her twins are removed from the Mother's womb by c-section.
5 months later the Mother wakes up from the coma and sees her brother by her bedside.
Immediately she remembers her pregnancy, 'are my babies ok?' She asks her brother.
'Yes they're absolutely fine, you had a boy and a girl and I have been caring for them' he exclaims.
'Have you named them?' the mother asks,
'Yes the girls name is Denise'
'And the boys?'
'Denephew'

Call a woman beautiful and she forgets it within 10 minutes...

Call a woman fat and she remembers it for life. You know why? Cause elephants never forget.

Y'all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn't contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

Cee Lo Mean

Cee Lo Green said it's not rape if you don't remember it. I wonder if he remembers when, remembers when he lost his mind?

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes