Remembered Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.

I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

I was trying to make a joke about the unemployed,

But then I remembered that none of them work

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...

... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.

I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…

But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..

At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins

Excited, I was about to run indoors to tell the wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...

I had been digging for a long time today.

Down in the hole I found a box full of Silver coins!
In the excitement I ran back indoors to tell my wife.
Then I remembered why I was digging the hole...

(Blonde joke I just remembered) A blonde and a brunette...

A blonde and a brunette are walking in a shopping mall and spot a man with really bad dandruff. He has a look of visible anger on his face as he passes the two girls. The brunette says "Wow, that guy could use some Head & Shoulders." The blonde says back "How do you give Shoulders?"

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes

I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.

I saw a black man walking down the street with a TV. "That looks a lot like mine..." I thought...

Then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.

Black Guy in Nike

The other day I saw a black guy in Nikes running down the street with a TV.

I thought to myself "hey is that mine?"

And then I remembered that mine wears Adidas

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....






To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!

my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..

was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol

As I was driving home I saw a black man carrying a TV down the street...

Nervously, I had to wonder if it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes

I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

While digging a hole today I found a bunch of old gold coins.

I ran in to tell my wife.
Then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

My favorite quote.

"Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." – *anonymous*

One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter...

One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"

I've got a horrible memory.

I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.

My dad died yesterday when no one remembered his blood type.

He kept telling us to 'be positive' but it's hard without him.

A driver is stopped by the police...

The officer says:
-Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on?

Driver:
-Well, a driving license I think?

The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say:
-You should not listen to him, he's drunk!

A sound is heard from the back seat:
-I knew stealing a car was a bad idea.

At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk:
-Have we passed the border yet?

Why are there no black people in "The Jetsons"

Because it's going to be a great future.

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

A preacher trained his horse...

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen."


The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"

The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said "Thank God!"

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The golfer looked up and replied, 'I'm sorry old chap, I'm English and I'm afraid I couldn't understand a word you were saying'

The greenkeeper shouted back, 'I said, use both hands, you'll get more in!'

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.....

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch, asked,
"What did you teach" ?

I remembered this joke while studying for exams.

God and st peter decide to do their rounds around a college campus. While looking around the dorms, they see a group of students earnestly studying for their final exams the next day. God looks at St Peter and tells him to fail each one of them. St. Peter is a little bewildered, but he dares not doubt the judgement of God. Moments later, they pass by a dorm full of drunk students, partying before their final the next day. God takes a look at them and says "Make sure these students all get an A+ tomorrow". St Peter cannot sit quietly anymore and finally asks why.
"Why?!" God shouts at St Peter, "These students clearly have faith in me!"

I asked God for a bike, but then I remembered that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike, and then asked for forgiveness.

There was a little boy celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

A blonde in a snowstorm

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

A Blond Joke from Minnesota.....




It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero
when a blonde named Sherry got off work.She made her way to her car and
wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She
finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she
should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get
stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow
went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and
she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been
following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her
daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted,
but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

This girl came up to me and asked if I remembered her from the vegetarian club...

but I don't think I'd seen herbivore.

What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

Dishcipline

This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

I always wondered how in Goldilocks, the same serving of porridge could be too hot, too cold and just right at the same time.

Then I remembered Hot Pockets

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I asked John to throw me the hammer..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remembered we have 3 guys named John working on our site..."

I couldn't recall where I had rented my car from...

...but then I remembered the Alamo

Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm

At first i thought it was mine,
but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton

I was digging up our garden when I found a box full of old rare coins. I was really excited so I ran inside to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging up our garden.

I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
~
~
*[

My friend was super excited when his girlfriend said "You're like a brother to me!"

Then I remembered, they're from the south.

We had a outage at my place this morning...

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

I remembered an unemployment joke...

...but then I realized that none of them work.

So a priest is taking a bath late at night

So a priest is taking a bath late at night when he remembered that he forgot his soap in his room, he figured it's late and no one will be up so he rushed to his room without a towel around his waist, he got the soap but on his way back he heard two nuns walking by so he stands by the wall like a statue. The two nuns walk up to him and one of them says to the other "Look, it's that soap dispenser they said they were gonna bring" and she pulls his dong, he quickly drops his soap. The second nun says "Oh, cool! I want to that too" and she pulls his thing and nothing happens so she tries a few more times then she turns to the first nun and says "Oh! I got liquid soap!".

Farting to the beat.

Once, I was at a restaurant and I wanted to fart so bad, that I couldn't even move.
Fortunately, the restaurant had really loud music so I thought I'd fart to the beats so that nobody would notice. After several moments, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I had been wearing headphones the whole time.

The old dentist

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he beamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"

I desperately needed to pass gas!

and I was in the restaurant .......... when I suddenly realized The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

I was in Starbucks recently when....

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really loud so I timed a couple of farts with the beat of the music.


After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Suddenly, I remembered I was listening to my iPod.
How was your day?

A black man is walking down the street...

I saw a black man walking down the street, carrying a TV with him.

"That's funny" I thought, "I could've sworn that was mine!"

But then I remembered, it *couldn't* be mine, because mine was at home,


Shining my shoes.

At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.

I never knew I had IT in me.

Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.

Β 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.


THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.


AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.


WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'


YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


THEN, THAT UGLY,



OLD,



BALDING,



WRINKLED FACED,



FAT-ASSED,



GRAY-HAIRED,



DECREPIT



SON-OF-A-BITCH



ASKED

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

December 19 was the 102nd anniversary of the death of Alois Alzheimer.

But of course no one remembered.

A special 25th anniversary.

A husband and wife are eating dinner together, and the husband says "Honey, I came up with something for us to do on our 25th anniversary coming up next month." Surprised, his wife asks "Really?! I can't believe you remembered it, let alone have a plan for us!" The husband smiles at her and says "I'm taking you to Hawaii!" The wife was completely dumbfounded, they had never gone away on a vacation like that. She started to tear up and responded "Oh, that sounds absolutely amazing!". "And can you guess what I have planned for our 50th anniversary?" He asks her. She shook her head 'no', as she was still too shaken up to speak. He just smiles and says "I'm going to come pick you up."

At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.

The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" The firing squad stopped and turned to scan the countryside, and the Italian ran away and escaped.

The Japanese guy took note of this, and when the firing squad leader said "Ready... Aim... ", he yelled out "Earthquake!!!" This distracted the firing squad, and he also escaped.

The Polish guy was last, and being no dummy, he picked up on what the two other guys did to escape. So the Russian said, "Ready... Aim..." and the Polock yelled out, "Fire!!!"


My wife is so pessimistic! I remembered the stoller, the car seat, AND the diaperbag.

But all she talked about was that I forgot the baby.

A priest is on a bus (kinda long)...

...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!"

I saw a black man walking with a TV...

...I thought, "Hey, that's mine!!"

But then I remembered, mine was tied up in the backyard.

My 3 sons

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

He is now running for President

High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, old man asked me:

"What did you teach?"

I met Michael J Fox yesterday...

I was going to shake his hand but remembered it does that on its own.

A blonde goes into an overseas transmission center...

So this blonde goes into this transmission center to go talk to her mother, which is in another continent working 12 hours a day. The male receptionist said "100 dollars please," and the woman remembered she left the cash at home. She didn't have the time to wait, so she said to the male receptionist, "I don't have the money, but please, I'll do ANYTHING to talk to my mother!"

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would suspect) and said again, "Anything?" "Yes," said the blonde. So the man told her to come into a room with him, lock the door, unzip his pants, and pull his tool out.

She did as she was told.

And after a few moments of silence, the man whispers "...well...go on..." And so the woman goes really close to his tool, puts her mouth right in front of it, and........ "Hello? Mom? Can you hear me?"

So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
β€” Mitch Hedberg

R.I.P.

Frontotemporal dementia is no hindrance

My grandma lives in a nursing home cuz she got several kinds of dementia, 99% of the time she stares at something distant and quietly repeats what we've just said to her.

Last time we visited her my mother asked what they had eaten yesterday, when my grandma remembered correctly my mother said "It's great you remember! I can't remember what I had for dinner yesterday."
Without missing a beat my gandma looks my mom straight in the eyes and says "That's how it starts!"

It's the little things that count.

I almost had a heart attack when I saw a black man carrying a TV like mine.

Then I remembered mine was at home working in the garden.

Why was JFK remembered as such a good president?

He had a very open mind.

I was walking through the countryside and I thought to myself, "The world is a wonderful and beautiful place why would anyone ever do drugs?"

...Then I remembered I was on drugs.

As I was driving I saw a black man running with a TV

I thought to myself ," that's mine." Then I remembered mine is at my house polishing my shoes.

I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet

I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there.

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

I was having a checkup when my doctor said it was time for my prostate exam

Halfway through I remembered he was my dentist

I had to move my new piano up 5 flights of stairs to my apartment but, as soon as I got to the door, I remembered something

I forgot the Keys

Want to hear a dirty joke?

Sam played in the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke?
Sam took a bath with Bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.

Enjoy this middle school level joke I suddenly remembered for some reason.

So I was walking down the street the other day, and saw this black guy...

carrying a tv. At first I thought, "Hey, that looks like mine!" But then I remembered mine is at home shining my shoes.

What are the funniest remembered jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Remembered? Well, here are the best Remembered puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Remembered pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes