The Best 70 Remember Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Remember jokes. There are some remember amnesia jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these remember photogenic puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Remember Jokes and Puns
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals
I M LIVID
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...
I don't remember the rest.
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.
He said "inflation"
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY
That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Why is everyone criticising EA?
I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
I said to my girlfriend.....
I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."
What fun that was...
You can explore remember rember reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean remember commemorate dad jokes. There are also remember puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was in a pub...
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....
The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
Man goes to a wizard
A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
I remember my pops once saying 'son, wanking will make you blind.'
I said: 'dad, I'm over here'.
Sex Ed in 2015
Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'
You remember those yardsticks?
They don't make them any longer.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke...
He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!'
But, I didn't get it :/
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember
there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
What bleeds once a month in the mouth?
Me, when I remember to floss once a month.
A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."
When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.
I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"
"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"
He just said "That's a D, you idiot."
If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...
that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
My dentist asked me the last time I flossed
I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."
"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."
"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.
But he knew it was <3.
"The neighbors hate us."
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
My mom just told me this one
Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife
I still remember my grandfather's last words
Don't point that gun at me you idiot
If someone calls you a nobody, just remember
Nobody's perfect.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type
He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.
A naked woman robbed a bank..
No one could remember her face.
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?
Neither of us were counting sheep.
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it's 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson's Creek?
It's 90108 (for our lives to be over)
Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Cole's Law
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)
Why is Japan afraid of Kim Jong-un?
because they remember what the last fat man did to them
Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water
so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.
I remember when I worked at the United Nations
And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.
Of course, I called him immediately.
"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"
I have the memory of an elephant.
I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Telltale Games will shut down...
*Fans will remember that*
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."
Day 284 without sex...
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn't remember what that character was called so I sign to her, What's that character's name?
Edward, says her hands.
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.
She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had sex?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."
I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?
It was about a weak back.
Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?
Inflation
Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!
Remember back when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Man, we were wild...
I've always wanted to be a cowboy, as far back as I can remember.
What year did Brokeback Mountain come out?
if you have paranoia. Just remember...
You aren't alone...
Did you know?
Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts.
...
The technical term for it is post-nut clarity
Me: Do you remember two girls one cup?
Interviewer: I meant do you have any questions about the job...
An Old Couple Sat Down To Eat Breakfast
Wife: Honey, do you know what today is?
Husband: I believe it is our 50th wedding anniversary.
Wife: Thats right. Do you remember what we were doing right now 50 years ago?
Husband: We were sitting at this very table, eating breakfast naked.
Wife: Thats right. Want to do it again?
Husband: Sure.
*both remove clothes and sit back down*
Wife: Honey, my breasts are as hot as they were 50 years ago.
Husband: Yes they are, one is in your coffee and one is in your oatmeal.
Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.
Doctor: That's not how ADHD works.
Man: But I keep losing my Focus.
When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...
But now, they have security cameras everywhere
[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the remember remind jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working remember reminiscent piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.