Remarks Jokes
80 remarks jokes and hilarious remarks puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about remarks that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find out what it takes to start a meeting off with a bang! Learn about opening remarks jokes, commentary, and nods that will have your audience laughing and ready to engage in a productive session. Perfect for both formal and informal meetings, try out these ideas to get your meeting off to a great start!
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Funniest Remarks Short Jokes
Short remarks jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The remarks humour may include short notes jokes also.
- Of all the inventions of the last 100 years... the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable
- Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are Remarkable
- Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion." - "I'm leaving you!..." I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!
But honey, what about our child?
What child?!
Oh, so you're not pregnant? - I've found dry erase boards to be remarkable. I've found dry erase boards to be remarkable.
- Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.
- life is like a box of chocolates.... it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
- My wife's identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job I said to my friend
He asked do you know how to tell them apart ?
I remarked why should I ? - Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers...
- My friend covered their walls with whiteboard paint I've never seen something so remarkable
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Remarks One Liners
Which remarks one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with remarks? I can suggest the ones about comments and remarked.
- I love dry erase boards. They're remarkable.
- Don't you just love whiteboards? They're remarkable.
- Just discovered whiteboards Remarkable
- I just got a new dry erase board it's remarkable!
- Whiteboards... are remarkable.
- I've got this whiteboard for sale. You'll love it. It's remarkable!
- What's the most remarkable invention? A whiteboard
- Whiteboards are truly remarkable.
- Have you heard about the invention of the white board It's remarkable.
- What do you call a clean white board? Remarkable!
- The technology behind whiteboards is remarkable.
- We got a new whiteboard at the office today... It's remarkable!
- I got a new white board for Christmas... It's remarkable....
- You want to know what is obsoletely remarkable?! Whiteboards..
- I just found out about Dry-erase boards They are remarkable !
Opening Remarks Jokes
Here is a list of funny opening remarks jokes and even better opening remarks puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's remarkable that nobody has opened a "grass fed" steakhouse in Colorado yet.....On the other hand.... They might just be afraid that the steaks would be too high.
- The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground. "This is a bad sign" they remark.
- I'm opening up a tattoo shop where my customers pay me in clever remarks I'm calling it Wit For Tat
Cheerful Fun Remarks Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about remarks you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reflection jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make remarks pranks.
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
Good Polish Joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
A son asks his father
"Dad I'm sick of having to walk to school, can you please help me buy my first car".
The father replies
"Not until you cut your long hair".
The son remarks
"But dad Jesus had long hair".
The father then said
"And Jesus walked everywhere".
A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.
The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."
Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
Offensive Joke: The principal of my daughter's elementary school wanted to talk me about her behavior.
Apparently she was making racist remarks towards the black kids in her class and insulting them.
I must say I am terrified and very disappointed, she isn't even allowed to talk to them.
It's the day of the big game, and a (pick your rivalry) Michigan fan meets an Ohio State fan at the u**... trough...
The Buckeye notices that the Michigan fan doesn't wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. He snidely remarks, "You know, at The Ohio State University, they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom."
The Wolverine pauses, looks back, and says, "Good for you. At Michigan, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
Two Nuns On Bikes
Two nuns, Maria and Angelica, are riding their bicycles on their way to work at the Vatican. They're running late, so Maria says, "I know a shortcut. Let's go down this alley." They turn right onto the alley, which soon becomes a narrow cobblestone road, with many twists and turns. Angelica remarks, "wow, I never came this way before." Maria tells her, "it's the cobblestones."
Historians recently discovered evidence that h**... was a ventriloquist.
Apparently he would sneak out some nights with his d**... who was a violinist. He would bring the d**... to small concert venues and ventriloquize the violin music, interjecting humorous anti-Semitic remarks in between songs. To avoid being recognized, we wore a fake mustache, and called his act A Doll Fiddler.
Two women are talking over the fence....
One womans husband pulls up in the driveway, and gets out of the car with a big bunch of flowers. Upon seeing them the wife remarks "looks like I will be on my back with my legs in the air shortly"
Her neighbour replied "Don't you own a vase?"
A man by the name of Ronald Bates came home to find his butler being arrested...
"What in the world could my butler have done to be arrested?" Bates asked the police officer handcuffing the butler.
"We had a complaint from you next door neighbor that he was yelling obscene remarks," the police officer replied.
"Obscene remarks?!?! What was he saying?!?!"
"The neighbors say that, for a few minutes on end, he kept yelling 'Masturbates,' 'Masturbates!'
This one earned some cutting remarks.
If it weren't for the table saw accident, I wouldn't be half the person I am today.
Floyd Mayweather was asked about remarks made by critics on last night's fight.
He said "I don't tend to read into things"
Bedroom animals
A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then the young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without s**...."
Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."
So this nun is driving along...
... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her out cold.
Standing over her prone form, the drunk grins triumphantly, and slurs out "Yeah! Not so tough now, are you Batman?".
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The giraffe gets rather drunk, and passes out. The bartender doesn't think much of it until the man is about to leave. The bartender remarks to the man, "You can't leave that lyin' there."
The man replies, "No no, that's a giraffe, not a lion."
A man travels to an island...
A person travelling remarks on how healthy the locals look, and an attractive man says, "Yes, it's the island. When I first arrived I was bald, didn't have teeth, and couldn't walk -- but now look at me."
The traveler: "Wow... That's amazing. So where are you from?"
"I was born here"
Credit to /u/TheNightWind.
When you get old, your hearing starts to go...
Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."
This christmas at the Manning household, Peyton remarks about how his new ring is so much shinier than the old one...
Eli, "Did the defense polish it for you?"
Chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
Did you hear about that rude homeless guy down the street?
He made some roofless remarks.
My brother pointed to his coffee table and said "those are my new gloves"
He's always making off-hand remarks like that
A man walks into a cold email server,
He remarks "It's pretty drafty in here."
Rene Descartes walks into an empty room...
After some time he remarks, Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods
Robert Frost remarks to his wife "We've got miles to go before we sleep"
And his wife replies "Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already"
3 Elderly Gentlemen Go for a Walk on the Beach...
The first remarks, "It's windy today!"
"No!", replies the second, "It's Thursday!"
"Me too!", shouts the third over the sound of howling wind, "Let's go for a drink!"
Three men meet in a Soviet gulag.
They ask each other the reason for incarceration.
"I spoke in favour of Fyodor Antonovich.", says the first.
Surprised the second remarks, " I spoke against Fyodor Antonovich."
With a sigh the third one says,"I am Fyodor Antonovich."
HR pulled me into the office today for a disciplinary.
"We need to talk to you about your inappropriate s**... remarks made to Sarah."
"Why, what level of inappropriateness did she say I done?"
"Harass..."
"Yes, it is cute and I would e**... dinner off it. But what level of inappropriateness did she say I done?"
Went to a National Park. b**... about it the whole time.
Got arrested for making "Anti-Yosemitic remarks".
My snarky boss nicked his thumb with a knife and missed two days of work.
I need your help with puns or cutting remarks.
Two vampires walk into a bar
Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.
The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"
The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping t**... from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"
A man goes shopping for candles...
He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."
So he catches the attention of an employee and asks her, "Ma'am why do all of these candles smell so funny?"
"Well sir, that's our new Scents of Humor line!"
A video game character walks into a health bar...
... and he remarks "that's the fourth wall I've walked into today!"
A man is shopping one day and see's the ugliest, fattest woman he's ever seen with her 2 boys
The woman notices him looking over at them and asks if there's something he's looking for.
"no, just noticed you with your twin boys. Not often you see twins" he replies
"oh, they're not twins but they do look similar" she remarks and notices the mans puzzled expression. "Is there something wrong that they're not twins?"
"No, I'm just more surprised someone actually had s**... with you more than once."
A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.
He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."
An elderly man takes his grandson golfing,
Once they were at their first hole the grandfather remarks, y'know when I was your age I could hit the ball right over that big ash tree over yonder. The boy looks and sees it is quite a hit and not wanting to be out done he whacks one right dead center and it sticks right in the trunk. As he stood there impressed by his grandfathers feat, the man finished his comment, 'course when I was your age that tree was 'bout 3 feet tall
With Trump's recent statement to clarify his remarks in Helsinki he really turned things around
A whole 360°
Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.
They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you have a vase?"
A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his c**...
When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a s**... woman, the hat would lift by itself."
A White horse walks into a bar.
The barman remarks "Did you know there's a drink named after you?"
The horse replies "Kevin ?"
A pirate names his new ship Data
His first mate remarks, "Data is a fine vessel."
The pirate responds, "Data *are*!
A milk thief goes into a barn
He finds a suitable cattle, and tries to milk it. Eventually he resorts to s**... on the udder, and eventually gets a spurt of gelatinous, salty milk. The farmer enters to see the man spitting it out, before the man remarks about the disgusting milk.
Farmer hands him a bucket, and points to another heifer. He says
"That's the female cow right there."
Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, It's windy.
Another replies, No way. It's Thursday.
The last one says, Me too. Let's have a soda.
A man is lying on a bench
Wearing nothing but a cap over his c**.... A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift by itself."
A man visits a hotel in Spain and injures himself in the room.
So he calls the front desk and asks them to find him a doctor.
"you're in luck, sir! We have a doctor that lives in this very hotel."
They send the doctor up. After tending to the man's injuries the man remarks:
"Wow! I never would have thought this hotel would have its own doctor."
"Well you see," says the doctor "no one expects the Spanish in-physician"
Daniel Radcliffe has joined the criticism of J K Rowling over her remarks about transgender issues.
I'd call it a witch-hunt, but he identifies as a wizard.
A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.
Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."
"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".
A kangaroo walks into a bar
And orders an espresso martini.
While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:
"don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?"
"Yes, normally he wants ginger beer."
Train passes a flock of sheep
Passenger says to his friend, wonder how many sheep there are.
His friend takes a quick gander, shrugs, and remarks, Looks like 82.
What? How do you know that??
Easy. I counted their legs and divided by 4.
After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
Three rich guys bury a friend.
First guy throws a $1000 bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws $5000 behind it.
All of them look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check for over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need anything".
I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.
I think it is because we are just better at it.
Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky
Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"
"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"
A blonde and a brunette are taking a break
The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what's up with the funny looking flask. "It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!" the blonde is enthused, and decides right away to get one herself.
The next day the blonde walks in the breakroom with a brand new thermos and shows it to the brunette. "Oh," the brunette remarks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two coffee and an ice cream!"
Three automobile managers at the u**...
The first goes to the sink and dries his hands with so many paper towels that not even the smallest droplet remains. "At Opel, we learn to be extremely thorough," he says.
The second uses only one towel for this and remarks: "At BMW, we also learn to be extremely efficient."
The third walks past the sink and says, "At Daimler, we don't p**... all over our hands!"
A lawyer goes to attend a function in his BMW.
On reaching there, he meets a friend and starts talking, his car parked nearby. A car suddenly comes crashing into his BMW, nearly taking a door off. The lawyer, howls at the top of his lungs, "LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO MY BEAMER!!" His friend remarks, "You lawyers are so pathetically materialistic, you didn't even notice that he ripped your wrist off!" The lawyer looks at his bloodied hand, and nearly fainting, exclaims "WHERE'S MY ROLEX?!"
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They're appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.
The boy leaves and the girl's mom remarks, Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy.
* Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service? *
Two grandmas are sitting at a bus stop
Sharing a cigarette and it starts to rain. One takes out a c**... with a hole at the tip and puts it over the cigarette so the rain won't put it out.
The one lady remarks about how ingenious the idea is and goes to the store herself.
Can I have a pack of condoms please?
The clerk asks, sure which size/brand do you need?
Whatever will fit a Camel.
