Remains Jokes
124 remains jokes and hilarious remains puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about remains that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Remains Short Jokes
Short remains jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The remains humour may include short remained jokes also.
- I have two conditions in my will... 1) I want my remains spread around Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated - When I die, I have but 2 requests. The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.
The second, I don't want to be cremated. - After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!" - When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World. Also, I don't want to be cremated.
- I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, I want to sue the airline. You don't have much of a case, he replied.
- When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn. 2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
- When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
- Two women who are best friends are talking. "Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"
"No."
"So, we'll be enemies then?
"No."
"What would we be then?
"Even." - Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts. The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
- Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
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Remains One Liners
Which remains one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with remains? I can suggest the ones about stayed and continues.
- Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
- The fly remained undecided during the debate. He was..
On the Pence - Why would glass coffins be popular? Remains to be seen.
- Will glass coffins become a thing? ... Remains to be seen.
- Will transparent coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
- Remains to be seen... ...if glass coffins become popular.
- Glass coffins - will they catch on? Remains to be seen!
- Will clear acrylic coffins become popular one day? Remains to be seen
- Will glass coffins be the next years big thing? Remains to be seen.
- Will glass coffins be popular in future? Remains to be seen.
- Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.
- Will glass coffins ever be used? Remains to be seen...
- Glass coffins will they be popular? Remains to be seen!
- Will transparent coffins ever catch on? Remains to be seen
- What happens when you visit the mausoleum? Remains to be seen
Cremated Remains Jokes
Here is a list of funny cremated remains jokes and even better cremated remains puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land... Also, I don't want to be cremated.
- When I die I want my remains to be scattered at my local beach.... I'm not getting cremated though.
- I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World Guess we should of had her cremated first
- When I die, I want my remains to be scattered throughout Disney world. I don't want to be cremated.
- I have two simple wishes for when I die 1. I want my remains to be spread all over Disney World
2. I don't want to be cremated - Last requests After I die, I have 2 requests on what shall happen to me.
1) I want my remains spread around Disney world.
2) I do not wish to be cremated - When I die I want my remains scattered at Disneyland I do not wanna be cremated
- Why was the necrophiliac fired from the crematory? He was caught spreading remains before they were cremated.
- I want my remains scattered across the world I also don't want to be cremated.
- I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field. \#2. I don't want to be cremated first.
Charming Humor Remains Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about remains you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rests jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make remains pranks.
Czech and a Mexican
A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend"
The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male
A man's father has just passed...
The son is arranging the f**... and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".
A week after the f**..., the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.
A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The f**... was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".
Did you hear about the poor chap who got smashed in the head by a grammar textbook?
He remains in a comma.
How to creep out a mortician
How to creep out a mortician.
1. Go in to pre-plan your f**....
2. Tell him, "I want my remains scattered over the sunflower fields of Fayetteville."
3. He says, "We can do that. The cost for cremation is..."
4. Say, "Cremation? Who said anything about cremation?"
5. Mortician creep-out ensues.
What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?
Remains to be seen.
Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...
One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
Mayweather remains unbeaten
Unlike his ex-girlfriends.
Despite the cost of living...
It still remains so popular.
There was a massive e**... at a French cheese factory this morning...
All that remains is de brie.
The lone Ranger and Tonto
The lone ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.
I heard Plexiglass coffins are making a comeback, but...
Remains to be seen.
After my grandfather's f**......
I scattered his remains all over my back garden.
Which was horrible, because he hadn't been cremated.
After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her f**... before she died?
To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party
Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same.
Every time a child is born, a man leaves town.
It remains a puzzle...
...why a bra is singular and p**... are plural.
I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business.
My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".
Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class
So on day, he says with an odious smile:
'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'
Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.
'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.
'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'
Yoda is telling a joke to the Jedi Council...
"Why was six afraid of seven?" he asks. Everyone remains silent, and he says: "Because nine seven eight!"
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
Will I have an open casket at my f**...?
Remains to be seen.
As a citizen from Baltic states
Hello Russia, my old friend
You've come to talk to me again
New SovietRussia vision softly creeping
You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping
And the vision that was planted in your brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
Archaeologists discover the remains of a s**...-worker under famous statue in Giza
Reports claim he died of Asphinxiation
I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition
Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC
Will plexiglass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"
"Missing person's remains found"
After years of searching for his missing journalist father, a man gets a call from the U.S. Embassy...
I regret to inform you that we've located your father's remains. They were found buried in a sack somewhere in Iraq.
Oh no! Baghdad?
Try to remember how he lived, not how he died.
Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?
he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".
I told the f**... director I'm not sure if I'll make it to the wake on time
Remains to be seen.
Scientists are baffled by cat remains on Mars..
You can guess who killed them.
A p**... and a czechoslovakian went missing in a forest.
A search party of hunters formed and they went looking for the two and came upon two very large bears mating. They shot and killed the bears and cut the female bear open and found the p**...'s remains in her belly. One of the hunters replied "I guess the Czech's in the male"
Could glass coffin be a thing of the future ?
Remains to be seen.
John McCain, John Kerry, and Dnald Trump walk into a bar...
John McCain, John Kerry, and Dnald Trump walk into a bar. While there, Kerry tells a joke about Vietnam. As soon as he finishes, McCain and Kerry start laughing uncontrollably, but Trump remains silent.
After a minute, Trump says: "I don't think that was funny." To which McCain replies, "I guess you had to be there."
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.
A teacher tells a class that nobody is dumb.
She then says to the class, "Stand up if you think you are dumb."
Everyone remains seated.
"Anyone?"
Finally, One student in the back of the class decides to stand up.
"Johnny! Do you really think you're dumb?"
"No, teacher." He replies, "But I hate to see you standing alone!"
I have a pet baguette that remains in it's cage.
It's bread in captivity.
I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.
Remains to be seen.
Mom told me this joke long ago, remains my favourite joke to date.
Rory fell down the stairs and broke his leg. He yelled to his friends, Guys, call me an ambulance!
So Rory's friends started dancing around him singing, Rory is an Ambulance, Rory is an ambulance!
There's this guy who likes to collect donkey remains.
It's a pretty assinine hobby.
With lots of restaurants closed, h**... still remains open for delivery orders...
They just go by k**... now.
will glass coffins be created?
remains to be seen
I chose a glass coffin for my father's f**..., but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.
Remains to be seen.
A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific
To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."
Will glass coffins be a success.....
.....remains to be seen.
What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?
The envelope.
The devil strolls into a church
Everybody starts screaming and running out, the priest almost falls as he jumps over the altar. One old man remains seated seemingly completely unphased by the incident. The devil booms "YOU MUST BE BLIND OLD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" The man replies, "Not really worried brother... I married your sister"
Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.
Said the snooker teacher.
Are they doing an open casket f**...?
Eh, remains to be seen
I'm going to an open casket f**... later, and I'm not sure if I'll enjoy it or not...
Remains to be seen.
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day...
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Two facts about me, 1) When I die I have arranged for my remains to be spread around the Houses of Parliament.
2) I don't want to be cremated.
Glass window caskets
Will glass window caskets ever become popular?...... Remains to be seen.
I'm about to go to a f**... for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.
Remains to be seen.
A spokesman for a group of scientists examining the possible remains of the abominable snowman has responded cryptically when asked for an update by a media representative:
Not Yeti
Grandpa Mike died this weekend.
He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.
Will caskets with clear lids ever catch on?
Remains to be seen.
All the mathematical functions are having a party
The polynomials are dancing, the square root function is drinking, yet the exponential function remains to the side.
so the inverse function asks what's wrong.
To which the exponential function responds: whether I integrate or not, nothing will change, now leave.
(courtesy of my physics teacher, I translated from French so might s**..., don't gimme too much flak)
The secret to a happy marriage
.....remains a secret.
