Remains Jokes

Following is our collection of intact humor and stays one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Remains puns for adults, dirty chard jokes or clean mourn gags for kids.

There is an abundance of archaeologists jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 70 funniest jokes on remains. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any burial witze you can hear about remains.

The Best jokes about Remains

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.



The second, I don't want to be cremated.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, I want to sue the airline.

You don't have much of a case, he replied.


Why would glass coffins be popular?

Remains to be seen.

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn.

2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.

Will glass coffins become a thing?

... Remains to be seen.

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

Will transparent coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.


What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

Remains to be seen...

...if glass coffins become popular.

Glass coffins - will they catch on?

Remains to be seen!

Will glass coffins be the next years big thing?

Remains to be seen.

When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land...

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

Will glass coffins be popular in future?

Remains to be seen.

What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?

Remains to be seen.

A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".


Czech and a Mexican

A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend"
The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male

Glass coffins will they be popular?

Remains to be seen!

The lone Ranger and Tonto

The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.

Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.... 2.... 1....

He turns around and sees Isaac Newton in plain sight. He tells him:

"Ha, found you, Newton!"

I. Newton responds while nodding:

"You didn't find me, because 1N/1m^2 =1 Pascal. So it's Pascal who you found!"

The Crow Mystery

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business.

My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".

Ravens

Humorous story from the web:

Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and confirmed that it was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during the analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The O.B quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".

Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

After my grandfather's funeral...

I scattered his remains all over my back garden.

Which was horrible, because he hadn't been cremated.

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress What can a guy get for a dime? Not much, how about a glass of water? says the waitress. Sure, that will do. The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. Are you going to eat that chili? Nope, it's yours if you want it says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says Yep, same thing happened to me.

Will I have an open casket at my funeral?

Remains to be seen.

Jesus and the Devil have a competition

After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. Lucifer is not happy at all, calling Jesus a cheat, before God intervenes, proclaiming Jesus the winner. The moral of the story? *Jesus saves*

Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class

So on day, he says with an odious smile:

'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'

Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.

'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.

'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'

A recent study on crow deaths

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna S. Aus., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.


The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.


When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World

Guess we should of had her cremated first

A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"

Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".

Yoda is telling a joke to the Jedi Council...

"Why was six afraid of seven?" he asks. Everyone remains silent, and he says: "Because nine seven eight!"

Tell this as a real story, and you will get a groan out of pretty much everybody.

About 200 dead crows were found near Regina, and
there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the
remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car
impact. The Province then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine
the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby
tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow
could say "Cah," but he could not say, "Truck."

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered throughout Disney world.

I don't want to be cremated.

Did you hear about the poor chap who got smashed in the head by a grammar textbook?

He remains in a comma.

After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her funeral before she died?

To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party

There was a massive explosion at a French cheese factory this morning...

All that remains is de brie.

Mayweather remains unbeaten

Unlike his ex-girlfriends.

As a citizen from Baltic states

Hello Russia, my old friend
You've come to talk to me again
New SovietRussia vision softly creeping
You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping
And the vision that was planted in your brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table..

drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."

The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

Last requests

After I die, I have 2 requests on what shall happen to me.

1) I want my remains spread around Disney world.

2) I do not wish to be cremated

Will plexiglass coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

It remains a puzzle...

...why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

John McCain, John Kerry, and Dnald Trump walk into a bar...

John McCain, John Kerry, and Dnald Trump walk into a bar. While there, Kerry tells a joke about Vietnam. As soon as he finishes, McCain and Kerry start laughing uncontrollably, but Trump remains silent.

After a minute, Trump says: "I don't think that was funny." To which McCain replies, "I guess you had to be there."

I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.

Remains to be seen.

I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

A teacher tells a class that nobody is dumb.

She then says to the class, "Stand up if you think you are dumb."

Everyone remains seated.

"Anyone?"

Finally, One student in the back of the class decides to stand up.

"Johnny! Do you really think you're dumb?"

"No, teacher." He replies, "But I hate to see you standing alone!"

Archaeologists discover the remains of a slave-worker under famous statue in Giza

Reports claim he died of Asphinxiation

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"

The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."

The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

Why was the necrophiliac fired from the crematory?

He was caught spreading remains before they were cremated.

Despite the cost of living...

It still remains so popular.

Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same.

Every time a child is born, a man leaves town.

will glass coffins be created?

remains to be seen

I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field.

\#2. I don't want to be cremated first.

Three guys in the pub...

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

I have a pet baguette that remains in it's cage.

It's bread in captivity.

A new private arrives at an army base

The major in charge asks him if he has reported to his lieutenant.

The private replies, "there isn't one, Sir"

The major says, "No, you must report to him."

"Sir, may I ask you a question?"

"All right"

"Suppose you take 'rifle' and remove the 'f'. What remains?"

The major replies, "Rile, I suppose."

"And what if you removed the 'f' from 'draft'?"

"I guess it would be 'drat' then."

"And what about from 'lieutenant'?"

Confused, the major responds, "but there's no 'f' in 'lieutenant'."

The private replies, "that's what I've been telling you the whole timeβ€”there is no effin' lieutenant!"



There's this guy who likes to collect donkey remains.

It's a pretty assinine hobby.

After years of searching for his missing journalist father, a man gets a call from the U.S. Embassy...

I regret to inform you that we've located your father's remains. They were found buried in a sack somewhere in Iraq.

Oh no! Baghdad?

Try to remember how he lived, not how he died.

Could glass coffin be a thing of the future ?

Remains to be seen.

Scientists are baffled by cat remains on Mars..

You can guess who killed them.

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

I heard Plexiglass coffins are making a comeback, but...

Remains to be seen.

Mom told me this joke long ago, remains my favourite joke to date.

Rory fell down the stairs and broke his leg. He yelled to his friends, Guys, call me an ambulance!

So Rory's friends started dancing around him singing, Rory is an Ambulance, Rory is an ambulance!

Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...

One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"

The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".

A polack and a czechoslovakian went missing in a forest.

A search party of hunters formed and they went looking for the two and came upon two very large bears mating. They shot and killed the bears and cut the female bear open and found the polack's remains in her belly. One of the hunters replied "I guess the Czech's in the male"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes