Remain Calm Jokes
15 remain calm jokes and hilarious remain calm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about remain calm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Laughter Remain Calm Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What is a good remain calm joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...
Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "
Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."
Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "
Spock: " I completely agree Jim. "
....
A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.
Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .
Why did the Chinese Government cross the road?
[THE PUNCHLINE OF THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CENSORED BY THE GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF CHINA, PLEASE REMAIN CALM WHILE WE WILL DEAL WITH THE OP IN A CIVIL MANNER].
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are in the woods hunting
one falls into a pit. His friend calls 911 on his cell phone. He tells the operator, "My friend fell into a pit. I think he might be dead!" The operator tells him, "Ok sir. Please remain calm. First, make sure he's dead." There's a pause, followed by a gun shot. Then the man comes back on the line and says, "Okay. Now what?"
The german submarine in the Atlantic brings in a new communications guy.
It's his first day on the job and he's given instructions on which istrument does what and chart for morse code. Very excited about the job, he tunes in and is left to his own by his CO after a bit.
In a few hours, he receives his first message. "This is the Royal navy. Mayday Mayday, we are sinking. I repeat, we are sinking!".
The german communications operator remains super composed. He slides the mic a little closer to him and presses the button to speak. He very calmly orates, " Zis.. is.. ze German command. What.. are you... zinking about?".
Transcript of leaked 911 call...
Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"
Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"
Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or having any trouble breathing?"
Caller : "What, no he's fine. Wait, can you just hold a sec? " '...mumbling in background...' "Oh, nevermind, you don't have to send anybody. My husband just found another one in his wallet."
Two blind pilots are on a plane
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"
Bjorn and Sven are in the woods hunting
Suddenly Sven cries out, clutches his chest, and falls to the ground.
In a panic, Bjorn pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
'911, what is your emergency?'
'Yeah, this is Bjorn and you gotta help me! Me and Sven are out hunting and Sven just up and keeled over dead! What do I do?'
'Remain calm,' says the 911 operator. 'The first thing you need to do is make sure he's dead.'
'Okay,' says Bjorn. 'Hang on a sec.' There are several seconds of silence, then a shot rings out. Bjorn comes back on the phone, 'Okay, now what?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus and the Devil have a competition
After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. l**... is not happy at all, calling Jesus a cheat, before God intervenes, proclaiming Jesus the winner. The moral of the story? *Jesus saves*
A man is about to die
His end is near, his wife is by his bed, holding his hand. No doctor was able to find out what exactly made the man so sick.
Suddenly, the man starts to cry. He sobs:
"Darling, I have to tell you something before I die."
She holds his hand even tighter and says:
"Shh, stay calm. You don't have to do anything!"
But he insists:
"Darling, I made mistakes. I slept with your best friend."
She stays calm:
"It's ok, don't worry about that."
He continues:
"I also slept with your sister."
His wife still remains calm, again she says:
"Honey, it's ok. Don't worry about that."
He tears up once more and confesses:
"I... also slept with your mom..."
His wife smiles at him, says:
"Honey, I know all of that. Now calm down and let that poison finish its job."
One last time
On a flight from London to New York, a lightening strike takes out an engine.
The pilot calmly announces "Ladies and gentleman, due to storm conditions we have lost an engine. Please dont worry, the remaining engine is fine and we will be landing at JFK in about 90 minutes."
20 minutes later another bolt of listening takes out the remaining engine and the powerless aircraft is losing altitude.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, we have lost our remaining engine, it doesn't look good, we are losing altitude and will fall into the Atlantic in approximately 10 minutes. May God have mercy on us all."
Upon hearing this, the chief stewardess bursts into the cockpit "Captain is it true?!" She says.
"Afraid so Cindy." He says.
She looks at him and tears off her blouse "Captain, before we die, make me feel like a woman one last time."
The pilot rips off his shirt, gives it to the stewardess and says to her "Here you go, iron this."
Horse in a bar.
A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.
The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'
The horse ponders this for a moment, snuffles at the bartenders hair, and finally whinnies as he makes his selection.
"A shot and a fifth of whiskey, please."
The bartender raises an eyebrow before figuring it out, and calmly reaches under the bar, pulls out a rifle and shoots the horse, who dies on the spot.
The bartender stows the rifle, much to the awe of the other patrons, and proceeds to take a pull directly from a bottle of whiskey before applauding.
One of the regulars waves the bartender over, confusion evident on his face, and asks the bartender what that was all about, to which the bartender replies,
"Oh, he wanted to be an actor so he could pretend to be human, so they told him to break a leg. Fool horse should have known better."
A blind man was out for a walk in a new neighborhood.
As it sometimes happens with blind people, he realized he'd taken a wrong turn. Trying to remain calm, he stepped off of the sidewalk and, discovering a change in temperature, took refuge under a nearby tree so that he might mentally retrace his steps. Inclining his face toward a perceived higher power, he muttered, "I just need a sign. A cyclist, a car, something to get me back on track." Taking a deep breath, he made for the sidewalk, his cane carving a path before him. But on the off swing, he missed a sign standing at the sidewalk's edge and smacked into it with his shoulder. Puzzled, he reached out to see what sort of obstacle he had encountered and, upon discovering what it was, rolled his eyes heavenward and said, "I didn't mean that kind of sign!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.
The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.
Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"
The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."
The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."
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