Religious Jokes

funny jokes about religious and hilarious stories

BEST RELIGIOUS JOKES

Religious jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Religious of all time along with the funniest religious gags ever told.

Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips

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A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.
He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."

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A priest and a pastor...
... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...
That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"

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Martians arrive on earth...
They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question...

"I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" the pope asks.

"Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party" the aliens respond

The pope looks baffled and says "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"

"well..." they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good" the aliens offer

"Pardon me?" the pope asks

"Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"

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Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian
"Me and girlfriend..... we're not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I've heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.
When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head." - Anthony Jeselnik

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Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link
I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened

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A religious traitor
Son: Dad, what's a religious traitor?

Father: A person who leaves our church and joins another.

Son: And what is a person who leaves another church and joins ours?

Father: A convert, son, a blessed convert.

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

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A Damn Good Sermon
A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he'd go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon."

The preacher says, "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord."

The man says, "But preacher, seriously, I'm not a religious man, but that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."

The preacher says again, "Sir, while I appreciate what you're trying to say, I must be blunt: DO NOT use curse words in the Lord's house again."

The man says, "Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate".

"No Shit?" says the Preacher.

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LATEST RELIGIOUS JOKES

Religious Differences.
What's the difference between a Muslim and an Atheist?

When faced with inconvertible truth, a Muslim will.......


BOOM!

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How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?
Gingerly.

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A nun and a priest...
..had to cross a desert on their way back from a religious meeting. A camel was used to transport the two, but in the middle of the boiling hot desert the Camel dies.

Facing death, the Priest asked the nun if she could show him her tits before they die. "Ive never gotten the pleasure of looking at a womans breast. Could you do me this favor before I die?" The Nun didnt find this unreasonable and did as requested.

The Nun asked the priest if she could see his penis before they died. He more than willingly let her see his throbbing erection.
"You know.. my penis can create life if inserted in the right place.." The non was quite surprised by Priest and replied "Well, if thats the case, put your dick into that camel so we can get the hell outta here!"

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Did you hear about the adult entertainment business for religious visionaries?
It was really successful - the prophets just kept on coming

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My attempt at a sexy math joke
A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is missionary. After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."

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So this sine wave walks into a barโ€ฆ
A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is missionary. After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."

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God Will Provide
A young, very religious man goes home with his girlfriend to meet her parents for the first time. Her father is naturally very skeptical of the young man, and after dinner has a quick heart-to-heart with him.

"Now I know you are interested in marrying my daughter. She is the apple of my eye and I cannot trust her with just any man. My first question to you young man is how do you intend on providing for my daughter?"

"God will provide" he replied.

Not satisfied with this response, the father asked again "No seriously, how do you intend on taking care of my daughter?"

Again he said, "God will provide."

Realizing he wasn't going to get a better answer, the two exited the room. Later that night the father was talking with his wife while cleaning the dishes.

Mom asks "So how did your talk with our daughter's boyfriend go?"

Father goes, "Well...he thinks I'm God."

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How can you tell if someone is super religious?
Don't worry they'll fucking tell you!!!

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The religion of bras.
There are basically 3 types of bras for women that can be described in religious terms.

There's the Catholic bra: it holds the masses.

There's the Salvation Army bra: it uplifts the downtrodden.

There's the Baptist bra: it makes mountains out of mole-hills.

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THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS IN AMERICA, WE CANNOT ESCAPE:
1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3) Baptists AND MORMONS do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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New Boyfriend
A 20 something year old girl finally decided to introduce her boyfriend to her parents. She hid him from them because she was afraid of how they'd react because he's very religious, but now that they're engaged she couldn't hide it anymore.

The boy shakes the father's hand firmly and sits down for a talk.

"So I understand that you want to marry my daughter. Do you have a job to support her?"
"With God's help sir, someday soon, I'll find a job"
"Are you planning on having kids?"
"With God's help sir, someday, yes."
"I understand that you're a student. How are you going to pay your tuition and afford a baby?"
"With God's help sir, I'm very certain both of these are possible goals"

The conversation went pleasantly and politely. After the boy left, the mother asked the father: "Well? What do you think of the young lad?"
To which the father replied: "He seems pretty nice, the only problem is that he seems to believe that I'm God."

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New Anti-Muslim Protests in Germany
We all know what happened the last time the Germans protested against a religious group...

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Thank God I'm an Athiest
After seeing what happened in Paris!
Religious people scare me!

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[REQ] If this is allowed in this sub.
If not mods, please go ahead and delete.

Looking for a joke that involves a guy walking through an airport lounge and spots the Dalai Lama, a high level rabbi, an Iman, and some other religious leader.

I haven't the slightest recollection of even the gist of the joke. Was wondering if anybody's heard it? I did look online but got nothing.

Thanks for your time and courtesy.

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You know there's a religious group based on the Bourne Identity series?
Yeah, they call themselves Bourne Agains

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What cheese is the most religious?
Swiss cheese! (it's the most hole-y)

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I explain to Dave the four types of women's orgasm.
There's the positive orgasm where she says "Oh yes oh yes oh yes!"

There's the negative orgasm where she says "Oh no oh no oh no!"

There's the religious orgasm where she says "Oh God oh God oh God!

and there's the fake orgasm where she says "Oh David Oh David Oh David!"

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Praying For Nothing?
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"

"Baptist."

"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" as I pushed him off the bridge.

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I'm a religious man living in Colorado, and I'm starting a marijuana business.
I'm calling it Holy Smokes.

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RELIGIOUS JOKES THAT ARE...

Religious jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about religion, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

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How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?
Gingerly.

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What do you call a religious owl?
A bird of pray.

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Why does Shang Tsung always enjoy a religious song from Finland?
Because it's a Finnish hymn.

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How many religious women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nun.

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Why did the religious person give up smoking?
Because God hates fags.

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What do you get when you mix castor oil with holy water?
A religious movement.

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Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile

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You know what Adam said to Eve? "Watch out, I donโ€™t know how big this gets."

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I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.
It's second to nun.

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Jokes that are mixture of religion and black humor. For those with dark sense of humor.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

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What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!

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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

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BEST POLITICAL JOKES

Few political jokes about religion.

The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.


Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.

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Religion is a lot more like politics.


The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

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WHAT ARE RELIGIOUS JOKES ABOUT?

Religious is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about religious.

Are Religious jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring religious joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read religious jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with religious jokes on YouTube.

TOP GOD JOKES THAT ARE RELIGIOUS

Best jokes about god and goddess. Some of the best god jokes ever whether he was Christian, Muslim or Hindu.

Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips

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I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"

"Baptist."

"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" as I pushed him off the bridge.

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The best joke to tell at parties (Male/Female friendly)
There are just four kind of orgasms.

The first kind is the religious kind, that sounds like; Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

Then there is the positive kind, that sounds like; Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh yes.

Then there is the negative kind, that sounds like; Oh No, Oh no, Oh no.

Then there is the fake one, that sounds like; Oh (insert name of target), Oh (insert name of target), Oh (insert name of target).

Works for men and women, bonus points if you get the name of a person you don't know, but are hoping that he or she will prove you're wrong at the end of the night.

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The four types of female orgasms
Back when I was younger, my dad was educating me on sex. You all know the talk. One thing always stood out to me; he says to me "Son, there are four types of female orgasms."

"The first is the good orgasm- "OH YES! OH YESSSS!""

"Now the second, that's the bad orgasm- "OH NO! OH NO!"

"The third, that's how you know she's religious- "OH GOD! OH GOD!"

"And everyone knows about the last- the fake orgasm- "OH Shohn64! Oh Shohn64!"

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Why did the religious person give up smoking?
Because God hates fags.

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I explain to Dave the four types of women's orgasm.
There's the positive orgasm where she says "Oh yes oh yes oh yes!"

There's the negative orgasm where she says "Oh no oh no oh no!"

There's the religious orgasm where she says "Oh God oh God oh God!

and there's the fake orgasm where she says "Oh David Oh David Oh David!"

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The Four Types of Orgasms
The Good "oh yes, oh yes"
The Bad "oh no, oh no"
The Religious "oh god, oh god"
And the Fake "Oh *person's name*"

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Bad religious joke I created.
One day Jesus is talking to god and says,

"Hey dad, guess what I did today?"

God: "What?"

Jesus: "I walked on water."

God: "No way."

Jesus: "Yahweh!"

Badum, tss

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Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

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What is Jehovah's wiseness favorite band?
The Doors.

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At a religious fundamentalists meeting someone asks "What if God didn't create the Universe?"
After some time, the head fundamentalist responds:

"Then he's gotta lot of shit to explain"

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A deer hunter who was an atheist was out in the woods when suddenly a 1,000-pound deer stepped out.


"Good God!" exclaimed the hunter.
Suddenly, a voice from Heaven said, "I thought you don't believe in me."
The hunter replied, "Up until now I didn't believe in 1,000-pound deer either."

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God Will Provide
A young, very religious man goes home with his girlfriend to meet her parents for the first time. Her father is naturally very skeptical of the young man, and after dinner has a quick heart-to-heart with him.

"Now I know you are interested in marrying my daughter. She is the apple of my eye and I cannot trust her with just any man. My first question to you young man is how do you intend on providing for my daughter?"

"God will provide" he replied.

Not satisfied with this response, the father asked again "No seriously, how do you intend on taking care of my daughter?"

Again he said, "God will provide."

Realizing he wasn't going to get a better answer, the two exited the room. Later that night the father was talking with his wife while cleaning the dishes.

Mom asks "So how did your talk with our daughter's boyfriend go?"

Father goes, "Well...he thinks I'm God."

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Four Types of Orgasm.
There's your negative orgasm "Oh no oh no oh no!"

The positive orgasm "Oh yes oh yes oh yes!"

The religious orgasm "Oh God Oh God oh God!"

And the fake orgasm "Oh (*one of the listeners*) Oh (*one of the listeners*) Oh (*one of the listeners*)"

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Two nuns are walking back to the convent at night when two men push them into a dark alley and start having sex with them.
One nun says "God, forgive them for they know not what they are doing!"
The second nun says "Speak for yours! Mine is a Master!"

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A priest goes to get a haircut...
Upon completion, the barber refuses payment.

"You do the work of God, I cannot take your money."

The following morning on his doorstep he found a basket of apples.

That day a Muslim religious came in to receive a haircut.

Upon complete the barber said: "You do God's work, I cannot take your money."

The following morning he found a gallon of goat milk on his doorstep.

That same day a Rabbi came in to get a haircut.

Upon completion the barber said: "I cannot take your money, you do God's work."

The following morning he found ten Rabbis on his doorstep.

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A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor
A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"

God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

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I don't believe in God, I don't begrudge anyone who does...
... I think it's brilliant that you have something to believe in, and hold on to. What I don't like are celebrities jumping on the religious bandwagon just for the sake, for appearing cool, and trendy. Because I firmly believe that a Christ is for life, and not just for dogmas.


- My favourite Chris Turner joke.

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "

Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff โ€“ grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

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When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist.


They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Every now and then, the rabbi's grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, "I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What's your secret?"
The rabbi replied: "Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of Gโ€‘d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?"

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A religious blonde is going bankrupt...
She prays to God to win the lottery, so she wouldn't have to sell her car to make it through the week, but alas she doesn't. Next week she prays again to win the lottery, so she doesn't have to sell her house but again she doesn't win the lottery. Having nothing left she prays to win the lottery the third week and again doesn't win. So she starts asking God why he doesn't help her, why he left her to sell her car, her house. Just as she's about to lose her faith God appears and says "My dear child, I truly want to help you through these difficult times. But, to win the lottery you have to play"

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.


Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

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In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.


In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off...
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious?" "Yes," he said, I said, "me too! Are you Christian?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are you Episcopalian? Lutheran? Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

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Joey and Katie are sitting in school.


Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?"
Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

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An elderly couple was listening ...
...to a religious revival on the radio. The preacher ended his stirring speech by saying "God wants to heal you all. Just stand up, put your hand on the radio, then place the other hand on the part of your body that is sick."

The old woman tottered to her feet, put one hand on the radio and the other on her arthritic leg. The old man put one hand on the radio and the other on his cock.


The old woman sanpped at him "Fred, the preacher said God would heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

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Bob thinks his parents are very religious...
... he observes that they close the bedroom door and shout phrases like "Oh my god", "Lord" most nights.

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Religious jokes can be funny
A Jewish man goes to his neighbor and tells him that his son ran away and became a Christian. The neighbor replies, "You know, it's funny you say that. A little while ago my son did the same." At that, they both went to the local rabbi to ask for guidance. When they tell the rabbi their stories, the rabbi thinks for a moment and says, "You know, it's funny you say that. A few years ago my son did the same. we should all pray and ask God for divine guidance." They started praying when suddenly God's voice came down saying, "You know, It's funny you say that..."

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A man decides to purchase a horse...
From a religious woman. She instructs the man that to encourage the horse to run he must say: "Thank god" and to stop the horse: "amen". The man acknowledges this and rides home, pleased with his purchase. The next week he is out riding the horse when he notices he is riding toward a cliff. Panicking he tells the horse to heel. The horse continues to gallop toward the cliff edge as his rider continues to yell "stop" until right at the last minute he remembers the key word. "Amen!" he yells just in time for the horse to stop inches from the edge of the cliff. The man exclaims "Thank god!"

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Best read in a Yorkshire accent.
An old lady dies, and her husband has to decide an epitaph for her gravestone. Since she had been devoutly religious, giving her life to God, he asked for the inscription "She was Thine".

At the funeral, he noticed the inscription was wrong, it said "She was Thin".

He told the stonemason he'd missed the "e" off, and he promised to fix it. When the man returned to lay flowers a few days later, he saw the new inscription:

"Eee, She was Thin"

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My parents are super religious....
At night all I can hear is "Oh god! Oh god! Jesus!"

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Thank God I'm an Athiest
After seeing what happened in Paris!
Religious people scare me!

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TOP LIFE JOKES THAT ARE RELIGIOUS

Absolutely funny religious jokes about life.

Praying For Nothing?
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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Q: What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A: A pecking order.

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The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.


Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.

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What is Jehovah's wiseness favorite band?
The Doors.

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Man: You've brought religion into my life.


Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.

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Religion is a lot more like politics.


The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

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A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"

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In the town I have met one older woman, she told me: "

if you give me ten euros, I will pray for your black soul."
I gave her the ten euros, became suspicious, didn't believe her and told her: "ok, but pray for me right now, not in the evening."
The woman has begun: "guardian angel, please, take care of my soul, forgive me all my sins and give me everything I need in my life."
I have asked her only: "for my money?"

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A Jewish Grandmother is with her 3 y.o. grandson at the beach
The grandson is playing in the sand when a huge wave comes in and sweeps him out to sea. The grandmother panic-stricken drops to her knees in the sand, "Dear Lord, please save my grandson, I have been a religious woman and I have given generously to charity and to the synagogue. If you would spare my grandson, I will devote my life even further to you."

Upon her final words, the clouds part and a huge wind carries the grandson across the water dropping him gently and unharmed at his grandmother's feet.

At this, the grandmother drops again to her knees and says, "Dear Lord ....... he was wearing a hat."

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When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

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A young religious couple is about to get married
When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.

"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.

While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.

Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."

"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"

Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

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Best read in a Yorkshire accent.
An old lady dies, and her husband has to decide an epitaph for her gravestone. Since she had been devoutly religious, giving her life to God, he asked for the inscription "She was Thine".

At the funeral, he noticed the inscription was wrong, it said "She was Thin".

He told the stonemason he'd missed the "e" off, and he promised to fix it. When the man returned to lay flowers a few days later, he saw the new inscription:

"Eee, She was Thin"

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I hate it when celebrities jump on the religious bandwagon for the sake of appearing 'cool' and 'trendy'.
Because I firmly believe that a Christ is for life, not just for dogmas.

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I don't believe in God, I don't begrudge anyone who does...
... I think it's brilliant that you have something to believe in, and hold on to. What I don't like are celebrities jumping on the religious bandwagon just for the sake, for appearing cool, and trendy. Because I firmly believe that a Christ is for life, and not just for dogmas.


- My favourite Chris Turner joke.

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A guide to spirituality.
Religious Views of Life

Taoism - Shit happens

Confucianism - Confucious says, shit happens.

Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism - This shit happened before.

Islam - If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism - Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism - If shit happens, you deserve it.

Judaism - Why does shit always happen to us?

Atheism - I don't believe this shit.

Agnosticism - What is this shit?

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TOP FOOD JOKES THAT ARE RELIGIOUS

Jokes about food and its place in religions.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.


In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

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A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

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Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.

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TOP MARRIAGE JOKES THAT ARE RELIGIOUS

Jokes about married religious people in funny situations.

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "

How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Hasband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

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Man: You've brought religion into my life.


Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.

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A young religious couple is about to get married
When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.

"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.

While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.

Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."

"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"

Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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A girl started noticing a guy whoย stands in front of her home everydayย in the evening.


She noticed the guy always comesย mostly in the evenings andย weekends.
The guy never tried to talk to her norย showed any gesture, he justย moves here and there by looking intoย his mobile phone and occasionallyย stealing a stare at her.
It went on like that for a year and theย girl understood the guy was in loveย with her but was too shy to expressย his feelings.
So, sheย told her parents.
They too saw himย and liked him.
They discussed withย her grandparents about aย likely marriage.
But wanted her toย make the first move.
The next day, she went to him andย said, Hi. I'm Jada.
He said, Hi. I'm Smith.
Hearing this, the girl was very happyย as the names were matching like Willย Smith andย Jada Pinkett.
The girl went on and said, I reallyย appreciate your patience andย decency.
You have been standing inย front of my home everyday for about aย year now.
So, I understand that youย are in loveย with me but too shy to say it.
I think iย really like you too and would love it ifย we get married.
The guy smiled and said, Forgive meย sister! Actually your home's WIFIย doesn't have a password. So, i comeย here every eveningย after work to use free wi-fi to chatย with my girlfriend.

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A young man is getting married...
...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a virgin (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.

The friend gives him details on how to do the deed, wishes him luck, and sends the groom off to his wedding.

The next day, the friend calls the groom and asked how everything went.

"I guess it went ok, but to be honest I didn't really enjoy it all that much. It didn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would."

"Huh..." answer his friend. "Well how about your bride? Did she enjoy it?"

"I think so... but again I'm not really sure. She didn't really say anything during the act, but I did notice that her toes would curl up every time I would thrust."

"Ummmm... you did remember to take off her pantyhose first, right?"

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CONCLUSION

Best of 258 Hilarious Religious Jokes. Religious jokes all muslim, christian or hindu people may read and have a little fun aboud their God, church, holy place, halal or just have a little fun with fate.

You've read some of the best religious jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about religious. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty religious gags to your kids.

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