The Best 77 Relief Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Relief jokes. There are some relief acute jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these relief relieve puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Relief Jokes and Puns

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.

Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.

A burglar

While robbing a home a burglar hears someone say "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something he heard. The burglar asks the parrot "What is your name?"
The parrot says "Moses"
The burglar goes on to ask "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies "The same kind of man that names his rottweiler Jesus."

What a relief!

I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she says to me "Soon you're gonna hear the pitter-patter of little feet!" and I'm thinking, "Oh Lord, she's pregnant"...

She ended up leaving me for a midget.

Relief joke, What a relief!

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.


The Crow Mystery

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

Where's the best place in India to go for topical pain relief?

Mysore

Relief joke, Where's the best place in India to go for topical pain relief?

Polishing my shoes

I was walking downtown when I saw a black man carrying a tv set, and it looked just like mine. So I ran back home and to my relief mine was still there polishing my shoes.

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief...

Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.

[NSFW] Anne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs...

Frantic, she asks her mom what's going on.

Her mother replies, "Don't worry sweetie, the part where the hair grows is called the Monkey. Be proud that your Monkey is growing hair."

The girl sighs in relief, and later at the dinner table she smiled and told her older sister Beth, "I've got hair growing on my Monkey."

The sister laughs and replies back, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

My Uncle

When I was a young boy, my Uncle would always tell me "Always leave them wanting more"

Which is probably why he lost his job in famine relief.

You can explore relief reliever reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean relief whew dad jokes. There are also relief puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

My heart sank when I received the text message "I am breaking up with you. It's over between us" from my partner.

But "Sorry, wrong number baby" came afterwards. Whew, what a relief!

I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter "y"...

...when I had to type "analytics" into the search bar during a presentation at work.

A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma

When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.

Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.

Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?

Doctor: ....Denephew

Oral relief

'Darling, I want some.... Oral relief.'
'You mean you want a blowjob?'
'No, I just want you to shut up.'

Relief joke, Oral relief

My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."

That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.

A farmer was worried when he counted only 196 cows...

...but when he rounded them up, much to his relief, he had 200.

What emotion does a tree feel every spring?

Relief


Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"

In awkward situations I'll sometimes break out my braille version of Calvin and Hobbes.

You know - comic relief.

The US has avoided disaster..

by electing Donald Trump, our country's cumulative sigh of relief that surely would've thrown our planet out of its orbit and into the sun, has been avoided.

One day David Duke was walking home from the supermarket...

He saw a black man running down the street with a TV and immediately became nervous.

"Wait, is that mine? I can never tell the difference between those damned things", he said to himself.

He quickly rushed home,
and breathed a sigh of relief.

His was still there; polishing his shoes.

Bob suddenly realized his wife had fallen off her horse

Which was quite a relief as just an hour ago he'd thought he'd gone deaf

Today the principal at my school incorrectly let go of our school's cherished relief teacher.

Whoops, wrong sub

My friend fell from a hill. Doctors say he's okay now.

Phew. That's a huge relief.

I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -

"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".

"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.

"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.

What do you call a failed unexpected pregnancy test?

Relief.

If a tomato's a tomato and a potato's a potato, what's a pea?

A relief.

relief

Wife: You clogged the toilet.
Husband: its your problem now
Wife: How do you Figure?
Husband: I have relieved myself of duty.

A comedian walks into a bathroom

It's a comic relief.

Vomiting is like sex...

It's sometimes better to just bend over and let it happen.

When it comes it comes.

You usually feel gross afterwards, but there's still a sense of relief.

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

National disasters really turn my wife on

Everytime I come home from disaster relief efforts she is pregnant

BREAKING NEWS: Snails in Puerto Rico losing their homes just as badly as the people.

But with limited relief resources, they will have to slug it out for awhile.

Kid Rock announced he won't be running for the Republican Michigan Senate nomination .

This come as a great relief to Democratic challenger Kid Scissors.

Message from my girlfriend:

"It's over! Your dick's too big. - It hurts me."
I was heartbroken and sad. But, when I came home she was there!
She said: "Forget the message! It was meant for someone else."
Can't describe the relief I felt. Everything feels good again.

I'm not looking for the #1 constipation relief medicine in the market.

A #2 would do.

What do you call a Muslim on a toilet?

Islamic Relief

Two friends were climbing a mountain

When suddenly one of them took a false step and fell from the top, disappearing from the other's sight.

As they were equipped with radio equipment, the other tried to contact him immediately with his, "Well, well, are you okay?"

"I'm fine!"

The friend sighed in relief, and kept asking, "Do you have a fracture?"

"No, none!"

"Then go back up and I'll wait for you here."

"Sure, as soon as I get to the bottooooooom!"

A nun in sunday school asks a girl what she wants to be when she grows up

"A prostitute!" she says.

The nun is appalled.

"young lady, WHAT did you say?!"

the girl replies "A prostitute".

the nun lets out a sigh of relief

"oh thank goodness, I thought you said 'protestant"!

A serial rapist was caught and put on trial

and the prosecutor asked the rapist "What inspired you to do what you did?"

He replied, "Your honor, I couldn't have raped those women because I am gay!"

A look of relief spread across the judge's face and he leaned back contently in his chair... "Finally, some biblical justification to punish you!"

A very plane joke

Pilot: We are going to die.

Passengers: *starts freaking out*

Pilot: haha don't worry we will all die one day.

Passengers: *sighs in relief*

Pilot: But we'll all probably die when we hit that mountain.

Someone told me you are what you eat...

It's a relief to know that I'm human.

Edit 1: Pretty sure this is OC

How many relief aid workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The task should be left to the indigenous population to carry out themselves.

Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?" 

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. Doctor says, Okay I've got bad news and really bad news. Old man: Well, okay. what's the really bad news? You've got cancer. It's extremely aggressive and I'm giving you two weeks to live. Oh god....what's the bad news? You've got Alzheimer's disease. Oh what a relief! I though you were going to tell me I had cancer!

There was such a relief when our classmate pointed his AR-15 on us.

It was just a robbery.

I started a charity that raises funds for disaster relief via sex-work...

I call it: Thots and Prayers

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off the sofa.

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.

' She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, were a unit, your problem is my problem were in this together.'

Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'

But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'

I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'

A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house.

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century! The boy sagged in relief: Oh, good that it wasn't new.

What do you call being fired from a candy shop?

Sweet relief

At the age of 5 Skaga decided there was no god.

Most people react one of two ways, with relief or dispar; only Skaga responded by thinking,
'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant'.

My car broke down on the side of the road at night. Just my luck, some shady hoodlums approached my vehicle after only a few minutes...

What a relief, they totally jumped me!

Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!

I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a pot hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

I needed money to pay over due bills

So my wife found part time work as a teacher.

That's a relief.

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be Christian."

He said: "That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being Christine."









Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.

You wouldn't believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.

TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...

but I'm over it

A guy is in a job interview...

And the interviewer says to him "your work history looks good on your resume, but notice there's a four year gap between FedEx and your secretarial job. Can you explain that?" The guy says "oh yeah, thats when I went to Yale."

The interviewer is impressed and says "wow, very cool! You're hired!" The guy breathes a sigh of relief and says "oh good! I really need this yob."

Coffee Shop

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my butt trumpet to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod with earbuds.

Aprils fools

A mom comes home from work on aprils fools and the lil bro runs up to her screaming mom mom bro hanged himself in the bedroom, petrified she makes a run for the bedroom and its empty. Turns to her kid in relief telling him that this is not the apropriate joke, while he says aprils fooooools, hes hanged in the living room.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

Stress relief

Doctor : What do you do when you feel stressed?

Patient: I go to the temple...

Doctor : Good...and u pray there ?

Patient : No... I mix-up all shoes kept outside and watch people more stressed than me..... and my stress goes away

There was a devastating earthquake in the Irish town of Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll.

Relief workers are still at work trying to figure out what was the town's name before the catastrophe.

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says:
"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the **** did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

John told his wife, "I've got a problem."

She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem." John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning." But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John'', tell me. What's wrong?" John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sleeping in my bed." Jim falls backwards from the shock and comes to a sence of relief when he realised that he had forgotten that he had twins.

erielf, erilef, reilef, relief

I got relief through a vowel movement.

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn't turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber takes out his flashlight, and turns it on to see a parrot. He breathes a sigh of relief, and taunts by saying You're just a parrot. What are you going to do? The parrot responds I may be just a parrot, but Jesus is a Doberman.

A man walks into a museum.

While wandering, he trips and breaks a vase.
He panicks and picks the pieces up.
But the curator appears and almost has a heart attack.
"What have you done! that vase was 2000 years old." He shrieks.
"Oh thank God." The man sighs in relief. " I thought it was brand new."

Sam's girlfriend asked if he had ever slept with a prostitute

Sam says "Darling, i've never told you this, but you were my first and only. I have never been with any woman other than you."

Sam's girlfriend gives him a huge hug and kiss in relief. As they hug Sam says "So to answer your question, yes."

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.

I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the relief comfort jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working relief massive piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes