release Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious release puns

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

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Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

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I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

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Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

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If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

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A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

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Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day?

Because all sentences should end with a period.

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JFK Assassination Document Release

From what I hear, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information

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The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

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Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before 1, 2, and 3?

In charge of the release dates, Yoda was.

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Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

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How do you milk a sheep?

Release another iPhone for $1000.



-Credit to my buddy at work

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I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

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Justin Bieber has been kidnapped!

They want $100 million and a charter plane to Mexico or else they will release him.

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A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"

The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"

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Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

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The Tale of the Fisherman and the... Shark

A fisherman pulls up a shark. The shark start begging for his life:
"If you release me back to sea, I'll grant you a wish!".

The fisherman who has heard the "The Tale of the Fisherman and the Gold Fish" starts laughing: "You are not even a goldfish... why should I trust you?"

The shark doesn't give up easily: "Try me, what have you got to lose ?!"
So the fisherman goes: "alright... I wish I had a penis that reached the floor."

The shark smiles with his big teeth and says: "Your wish is my command!"

And then he bites off the fisherman's legs....

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The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest.

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mouse wins.

They get the contest starting and the Police goes first. They let the mouse go and with their informant network they arrive 3 hours later with the mouse.

Then goes the Interpol. They let the mouse go and with their communication network and international contacts, they arrive 1 hour later with the mouse.

Finally the CIA goes after the mouse. Their agent go running into the jungle, and 10 minutes later they arrive with a beaten up crocodile screaming I'm the mouse! I'm the mouse!

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Why were the Star Wars movies released as 4, 5, 6, followed by 1, 2, 3 and then 7 and most recently Rogue One at 4.5?

In charge of release schedule, Yoda was.

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Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference

Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.

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Fishing and Whiskey

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake... with two more frogs.

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Old genie joke...

Three men find themselves stranded on a deserted island. After several years, despite their differences, they become close friends out of necessity. One day, they find an old lamp. On rubbing it clean, they release a genie who grants them each one wish.

"I wish to return to my old life!" Two of the men shout, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

The third man, a little slow, looks around at the empty island. Overcome by loneliness, he mutters, "I wish my friends were here."

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If they release three more sequels of 'Fast and Furious' series...

They should name the last one - "Fast10 - Your Seatbelt" in memory of Paul Walker.

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Have you seen this new movie?

Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.

Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"

Me: "No..."

Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"

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I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was the snake........with two more frogs.

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There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

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I've just released my own fragrance.

But nobody on this bus seems to like it.

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The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"

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Three explorers go into a jungle

Three explorers go into a jungle and get captured by a cannibal tribe. The cannibal tribe leader says they will release them if they can put ten fruits of the same kind in their butt holes without making a sound.

The first explorer got 10 apples, and began to scream in pain on his third apple, so they kill him.

The second explorer got 10 blueberries, and on his 9th blueberry, he began to laugh hysterically, so they killed him.

The second explorer meets the first explorer in heaven, and the first explorer asks "Why did you laugh? You could've survived and made it!"
The second explorer says "I saw the third explorer get pineapples!"

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What did Apple release to help blind people?

An iPatch

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Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

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Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That would defeat the porpoise!"

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Poop jokes!

Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It never came out.

Did you hear about the sequel, Diarrhea? It leaked so they had to release it early. (Yep, that one is OC, don't know if I should be proud of that but I am)

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't budget.

Tell me your best poop joke! I'm looking for a good one to put up on the Joke of the Day board at work for my last day at this job on Friday.

Update: I used the Jazz singer joke. He really knew how to scat!

Update 2: Sam is the worst person.

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Boy breaks into White House

He writes on the wall "trump is full of shit".

He gets caught and charged with two counts facing 45 years and 6 months of prison time.

6 months for vandalism and 45 years for unauthorized release of classified information.

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Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years?

iDoubtit

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What are the most funny Release jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Release? Well, here are the best Release dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Release pick up lines to share with friends.

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