Release Jokes

What are some Release jokes?

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day?

Because all sentences should end with a period.

JFK Assassination Document Release

From what I hear, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before 1, 2, and 3?

In charge of the release dates, Yoda was.

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

How do you milk a sheep?

Release another iPhone for $1000.



-Credit to my buddy at work

I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

Justin Bieber has been kidnapped!

They want $100 million and a charter plane to Mexico or else they will release him.

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"

The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs...

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest.

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mouse wins.

They get the contest starting and the Police goes first. They let the mouse go and with their informant network they arrive 3 hours later with the mouse.

Then goes the Interpol. They let the mouse go and with their communication network and international contacts, they arrive 1 hour later with the mouse.

Finally the CIA goes after the mouse. Their agent go running into the jungle, and 10 minutes later they arrive with a beaten up crocodile screaming I'm the mouse! I'm the mouse!

Why were the Star Wars movies released as 4, 5, 6, followed by 1, 2, 3 and then 7 and most recently Rogue One at 4.5?

In charge of release schedule, Yoda was.

Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference

Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.

Old genie joke...

Three men find themselves stranded on a deserted island. After several years, despite their differences, they become close friends out of necessity. One day, they find an old lamp. On rubbing it clean, they release a genie who grants them each one wish.

"I wish to return to my old life!" Two of the men shout, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

The third man, a little slow, looks around at the empty island. Overcome by loneliness, he mutters, "I wish my friends were here."

If they release three more sequels of 'Fast and Furious' series...

They should name the last one - "Fast10 - Your Seatbelt" in memory of Paul Walker.

Have you seen this new movie?

Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.

Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"

Me: "No..."

Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"

There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

I've just released my own fragrance.

But nobody on this bus seems to like it.

The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"

What did Apple release to help blind people?

An iPatch

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That would defeat the porpoise!"

Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years?

iDoubtit

Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year

The first Apple product that doesn't suck

(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears

I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.

They Just Released Stephen Hawking's Last Words

"1 percent battery life remaining. Please find nearest charger and plug in device"

Someone kidnapped my mother-in-law

He threatened that unless I pay up, he'll release her.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

Eminem needs to release an aftershave and shower gel gift set for Christmas

Eminessence and Marshal Lathers.

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

A busload of lawyers was hijacked by terrorists...

... They're threatening to release one per hour until their demands are met.

Calling In Sick

Today I called in to work, "Hi, I'm not feeling well today, fatigued, drained, tired, stressed. I'll be staying in bed, so I won't be coming to work today"

The boss says, "You know, I really need you here today, extra work came in today. When I feel overworked, I go to my wife and we have wild sex, and this always works to release all that stress. So you try that"

a couple of hours later, "Hey boss it's me, I did what you said, and you were right, it's amazing. So I'll be on my way to work

Oh, your house look really nice by the way"

After getting released from prison, I hear OJ wants to get married again....

I guess he wants to take another stab at it.

An old couple had been married for 30 years...

And every morning for those three decades, at precisely 6:30 am, the man would release a horrendous fart that would gag a maggot! His wife would be awakened by said fart and the man would laugh. Oftentimes he would give her the ole' "Dutch Oven". Every time, however, the disgusted wife would exclaim "One day, you're gonna fart your guts out!". The husband would then laugh harder and perhaps wave a little more foul air in her direction.

One day, it was thanksgiving. The wife gets up much earlier to begin food preparation for the feast. As she is removing the innards of her fleshy killed turkey, she gets an idea. She gathers up the fowl gut and brings them upstairs to her sleeping husband. She then deposited the entrails into the back of his jockeys. She returns to her kitchen and waits for 6:30.

When 6:30 arrives, she hears the earth shattering flatulence all the way downstairs which is followed immediately by a despairing cry. The woman giggles behind her hand.

Several minutes later, her husband comes to her kitchen, white-faced and wide-eyed. He says, "All this time, you were right. I finally farted my guts out!" The wife says, " My goodness! Really?". He replies, "Yeah, but I got em' all back in."

whale joke

Out in the ocean there are 2 whales watching a fishing boat. When the first whale says to the second "do you wanna see something funny?" the second whales says "sure" so both whales swim under the boat and on the first whales cue they release their blow holes flipping the boat. Both whales now back a safe distance from the boat the first whale says "ahaha that was great, do you know what would be even better?" the second whale says "what?" the first whale then says "if we went and ate the Fishermen" the second whale then says "I don't mind an occasional blow job, but I don't swallow seamen"

When released from prison after 30 years I went for a prostate exam

The doctor said he could just eyeball it.

An artist, a baker and an engineer are in line to be beheaded...

The artist goes first. They put his head in the guillotine and release the mechanism. It stops 3 inches short! The king decides that he'll be merciful and releases him! He's ecstatic!

The baker is next. They put his head in the guillotine and release it. This time it stops 2 inches short. The king also decides he'll be merciful and releases him.

Lastly, the engineer. They put his head in the guillotine and release it. It stops a hair from his head. The engineer screams "I SEE THE PROBLEM!"

Intrepid Engineer

A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.

The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave.

Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, the blade stops abruptly halfway down. "There is no god but Allah," the Muslim cries, "who in his infinite mercy has saved me!" The executioner sets him free, too.

Meanwhile, the engineer has been peering attentively up at the guillotine. "I think I see your problem," he says.

Dyson is planning to release an electric car by 2020...

I bet they'll suck.

Did you hear about the terrorists who hijacked a plane of lawyers?

They threatened to release one every hour til their demands were met.

A man has been unemployed for a long time...

finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the clowns a 'bleeding face' effect.
Mid-job, covered in paint, and late into the evening, the police spot him and surround him with guns drawn.
"No, No" he screams, "you don't understand! I'm a red It poster!"

If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you...

If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back.

A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his final student and released a fly. The student swiped twice and the fly staggered briefly before carrying on.

The sword master approached the student and said, The fly is still alive.

The student nodded and replied, Yes. But now it will never have children.

How come erotic games are always digital downloads?

I just want a physical release.

The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces. The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up:
"sir... The fly is still alive."
"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

Clinton to Trump: Release your tax returns! I have never seen them.

Trump: …but I emailed them to you. Of course you've never seen them.

Once upon a time, three brothers named...

Fart, Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. Fart was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
What are you here for?
so Shut Up says, To release Fart.
The guard then says, Umm... ok. So what's your name?
Shut Up.
The guard, bewildered, says, Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where's your respect?
So Shut Up says, In the car.

Kidneys.

3 guys are waiting in line to see the release board in a psychiatric ward.

The first guy walks in and the board says, "Point to your knees." The man points to his elbow so the board revokes his release.

The second guy walks in and the board says, "Point to your ear." The man points to his foot so the board revokes his release.

The third guy walks in and the board says, "Point to your heart." The man points to his heart. The board says "now point to your foot", and the man points to his foot. The board is satisfied with his responses and approves his release. On his way out, the first two guys approach him and ask how he got all the answers right. The man points to his brain and says, "I got kidneys."

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

EA releases details about their new controller.

"It's not going to have a down button."

Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

My wife has been kidnapped in Rio.

The kidnappers are willing to pay any amount for her release.

Three men are traveling in the wilderness...

when they are captured by a tribe of hunters. When the three men are brought back to the tribe's village, they're confronted by the Chief's attendant. The attendant tells them that each of the three men has two choices. These two choices are either death or what the tribe refers to as "umbangi". "Umbangi" they come to realize means being bound and essentially raped by the Chief. But afterwards the tribe will release you.

The first man says that he has a family back home and will do anything to see them again. He therefore chooses umbangi.

The second man says that he is too young to die and therefore chooses umbangi.

The third man, unlike the other two, is too proud to choose umbangi and therefore chooses death.

Upon hearing the third man's decision the Chief shouts out "Death by Umbangi!!!"

Terrorists have taken over the local courthouse.

They are threatening to release a lawyer every 15 minutes unless their demands are met.4

Mental Hospital [2]

One morning, a nurse was tasked to check on some their patients' progress and will send recommendations for release based on their improvement. She visited the recreation room where there were 4 patients.

**Patient One** was reading the bible. Complimented the patient and puts a check on the name.

**Patient Two** was working on a crossword puzzle, almost done. Check.

**Patient Three** was playing chess, keeping tabs of his moves, challenging himself. Check.

She comes to **Patient Four**, who was standing on the table, repeatedly shouting *"I AM THE SUN! I AM THE LIGHT!"*. The nurse asks the patient to step down from the table or else she'll have the guards take him away back to his room.

As soon as Patient Four steps down, the other three patients suddenly stopped what they were doing, went on their way and bid everyone in the room *"Goodnight!"*

Three people are given the death sentence...

They are given a choice, guillotine or rifle for their execution.

The first convict states he will take the guillotine. When they setup and release, the blade gets stuck and the sheriff states "it is not your time, you may go."

The second decides on guillotine as well, the blade gets stuck and they also let him free.

The third says "Well, since the guillotine isn't working, I will take death by rifle."

How to make Release jokes?

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