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Relax Jokes

124 relax jokes and hilarious relax puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about relax that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the hilarious and therapeutic power of Relax Jokes! Take a break from your problems and laugh away the stress with over 100 comical jokes that can help you to relax, rest and find a little levity in life.

Funniest Relax Short Jokes

Short relax jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The relax humour may include short lighten up jokes also.

  1. My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
  2. How do you keep black people from stealing things in your back yard? You hang some in the front.
    Relax It's dark humor
  3. I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look... ... I knew I was in hot water.
  4. Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.
  5. "Relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous" *... said the doctor.*
    "Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."
    "I know, I'm Peter."
  6. I was trying to think of a way to make my wife pay attention to me. So I sat down, relaxed... That did it.
  7. "Relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder. And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.
  8. There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
    Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
    Doctor: I know... that's my name.
  9. Surgeon: Just relax, Michael. It's just a small surgery. Patient: My name isn't Michael.
    Surgeon: I know, my name is Michael.
  10. Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia, a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.
    It's called Burka King.

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Relax One Liners

Which relax one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with relax? I can suggest the ones about remain calm and chill.

  1. I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off
  2. I've started blunting knives to help myself relax. Really takes the edge off.
  3. What's the medical term for a chill pill? A relaxative
  4. How do dumplings relax? They take a “soy-ful” soak in the tub!
  5. How does Mr Miyagi like to relax? He wax off....
  6. Astronomy Fact: You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus 64 if you relax.
  7. Watching tropical fish in a tank can be very relaxing. It's the indoor fins.
  8. Did you know that Earth can fit into Uranus 63 times? 64 if you relax enough.
  9. All I wanted was to relax while on my period... ...it was a bloodbath.
  10. Uranus is big enough to hold 73 Earths 74 if you relax
  11. What's the difference between relaxation and laziness? The angle of the recliner.
  12. Why are Microsoft employees never relaxed? Because they're always on Edge.
  13. How does a chef relax? He beats his meat
  14. 63 Earths can fit inside Uranus... 64 if you relax.
  15. I can't relax when I'm camping . . . It's too in tents.

Mind Relax Jokes

Here is a list of funny mind relax jokes and even better mind relax puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do electricians relax? They meditate.
    *Oooohhhmmmm*
    They do it after getting all amped up after a long day. It helps organize the mind after getting their wires crossed.
  • How does one walk through a Siberian forest? Do it in a calm and relaxed manner, but bear in mind
  • Relax...close your eyes...OK, now I will read your mind. Geez! Really? You think this is some kind of joke?
  • Would you like to know how to read minds? It's simple! Just relax. Take a deep breath.
    Minds
    Minds
    Minds
    Minds
    Minds
Relax joke, Would you like to know how to read minds?

Howlingly Hilarious Relax Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about relax you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean calm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make relax pranks.

We've all had this on a plane...

I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back."
"I'm not surprised," she replied, "That's his seat and you're squashing him."

A man goes to see a psychiatrist...

"Doctor, I feel like I'm going crazy! It's this constant back and forth: I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. What am I supposed to do!?"
"Relax" Says the psychiatrist, "You're two tents"

A guy goes to see his doctor...

The doctor asks what's wrong.
The guy says "Two nights ago, I dreamed I was a wigwam. Then last night, I dreamed I was a tepee."
The doctor replies, "Oh, you just need to relax. You're too tense."

A man got a job in Ireland...

A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.
The day before they were to leave, she asked him,
"Are you sure about this?"
He tried to clam her down, saying
"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."

Two potatoes (no Latvians)

So two potatoes are sitting on the beach relaxing and one starts going on about how he doesn't need sunscreen and how he has such a nice tan. The other potato fed up yells at him "I'm trying to relax, quit your yammering".

Thought I'd just relax, crack open a couple of cold ones and really get to know some of the locals.

I love cemeteries...

When Little Johnny grew out of diapers, his dad had to teach him how to pee like a man...

"Listen here, son, this is how you do it," says Daddy.
1. Unzip your pants
2. Pull out your equipment
3. Pull back your f**...
4. Relax the muscle that's holding in the pee
5. Push back your f**...
6. Put your equipment back,
7. Zip back up.
Later that day Johnny's sister, Little Jane, runs up to her dad exasperated. "Daddy, Daddy! Johnny's hogging the bathroom!" "That's fine," responds Daddy, "he's learning how to pee like a man." "No he's not!" yells Jane. "He's just in there shouting, 'Three, five, three, five, three, five..."

A blonde woman's first day at live software support..

She was giving help to customers through live chats.
She eventually got sick and busted right into the boss's office.
Woman: This is infuriating! Every time I try to help someone resolve their problems, they just hang up on me!
Boss: Whoa, whoa.... Relax. Okay, tell me what exactly happened? Did you say something to them?
Woman: Well, all I did was ask them to try restarting their computer!

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...

So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.

I think I might go gold mining today...

Aurum just gonna stay at home and relax.

Where do French lawyers like to relax?

The J'accusi

Wife wants to relax today!

Wife:
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.

What is the philosophy of a necrophiliac?

Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one

A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident

He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".

Four gay guys are headed to happy hour

When they get to the bar there is only one stool. They're about to leave to find a less crowded bar where they can sit and relax when the bar tender puts up his finger for them to wait, runs around the bar and flips over the stool.

Relaxing location

While my parents were making their f**... arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.

"I'm so nervous,...

...this is the first time that I'm with a p**...."
"Just relax and tell me what you like."
"I like turtles" :-)

Donald Trump in a submarine

Soldier " Sir! The enemy is attacking, we're under fire!"
Trump "relax soldier... We're under water..."

The recurring dream

An old man sought out advice from his therapist about his troubling recurring dreams.
One night I'm a wigwam, the next night I'm a teepee.
Relax, said the therapist, you're two tents.

I was nervous lying next to her for the first time, but a voice inside my head said "Relax you, are not the first doctor to sleep with their patient..."

but another voice kept saying "Jim....you're a veternarian"

s**...

As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Dave, you are a veterinarian."

Patient: Doctor, doctor I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I think I am a wigwam and sometimes I think I'm a teepee.

Doctor: Relax Mr. Robinson, you're two tents.

A woman was having s**... with her husband's best friend when the telephone rang

And her husband's cell phone number appeared on the caller ID.
As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry
"Relax," she said after she hung up the phone.
he was just calling to tell me that he'll be home late because he's out bowling with you.

A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents

Blonde: Oh by the way I´m pregnant
Parents (simultaneously): You´re WHAT!?!
Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I´m not even sure it´s mine

I'm relaxing on a beach in Chile

I'm Chilean out there

It's isn't rocket science

A patient on the dentist's chair was scared and quite apprehensive about the procedure he was going to undergo.
He asks a lot of questions and details from the dentist.
The dentist says, reassuringly:
"Relax, it's not brain surgery....Unless I slip."

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

I wanted to become a boxing referee so much that I was shaking.

The interviewer told me to relax and count to ten.

Why didn't the mummy go on vacation?

He was afraid he'd relax and unwind!

A sheep walks into a bar..

Bartender says "Sorry man, I can't serve you here."
Sheep says, "Relax, I'm the black sheep of the family.Check this out, I brought a fuckload of other sheep with me.
The bartender starts counting sheep. Falls asleep.
Sheep drink for free.

I have a great idea for a place for kids to go in the summer where they can meditate and relax

These Concentration Camps are going to be huge!

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog

So I told my psychologist....

Me: I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi.
psychologist: relax man, you're too tense.

How do alcoholics relax after a long day?

They wine down.

Man hires a lawyer when he got sued for embezzlement

Lawyer: Relax, you won't be going to jail with that amount of cash.
The man felt relieved.
Indeed, he was penniless by the time he ended up in jail.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Harold comes back to the phone. 'OK,' he says nervously, 'what do I do next?'

I went to my Dr. the other day and said doc last night I dreamt I was a tee-pee, and the next night I dreamt I was a wig-wam

He said relax you're two tents

Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.

One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.
"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"
"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."

Relaxation

What's the best and easiest way to relax for a man? Buy couple of beers and have "kalsarikännit".
Finnish word for getting drunk home in your underwear.

What do horses listen to relax?

HaySMR
I'll see myself out.

What does Mr Miyagi do in his spare time to relax?

Wax off.

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- Relax, Ernest, it's just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don't panic, the doctor says.
- But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.
- I know... just talking to myself.

Even the Eldritch elder gods need to relax once in a while..

..so they crack open a boy with the cold ones.

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .

What does Mr Miyagi do to relax?

Wax off

When toys take a day off...

...they just Lego and relax their Nerfs.

Doctor : Relax, its perfectly normal to get an e**... during a prostate exam.

Patient : Ummm..... But doc, i dont have an e**....
Doctor : I do.

A Doctor was going to operate on someone

Doctor: Relax Dave, it's just a small surgery
Me: But my name isn't Dave
Doctor: I know, I am Dave

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day, but to be perfectly honest, it wasn't all that relaxing. In fact, my eyes are in a lot of pain right now...

I did however, managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog...

He then grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.
Bartender: Whoa, Whoa man! What the h**... are you doing?!!
Blind guy: Relax, I'm just taking a look around.

"Honey, do I look fat ?"

Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.
"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"
Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "
Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

What is a good pill to take when you need to relax?

A laxative.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911.
"My friend isn't breathing," - he shouts into the phone, - "What should I do?"
"Relax," - the operator tells him, - "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says:
"OK, now what?"

Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic

Me: But my name isn't David
Doctor: I know, I'm David

After a concert at an old auditorium, the microphones started picking up whispers that weren't there...

"W-w-what was that??" asked one of the staff.
"Relax," said the manager, "it's just phantom power."

A doctor is just about to perform surgery

So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.
Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: My name is not David.
Doctor: I know. I am David.

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.
What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?
The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?

A man goes to the therapist and says...

"Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can't take this anymore!"
The therapist says: "Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly: where's Larry's bar?"

An exercise for people who are not in good shape.

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

A man wakes up the mental ward

Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.
What's that?
Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.
Okay.
Now that you're awake, I'll call your wife in...
My what?

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.
\-
\-
\-
\-
\-
\-
\-
\-
\-
\-
\-
Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

Relax joke, I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

jokes about relax