The Best 63 Relax Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Relax jokes. There are some relax uncomfortable jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these relax meantime puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Relax Jokes and Puns

How does a chef relax?

He beats his meat

A man goes to see a psychiatrist...

"Doctor, I feel like I'm going crazy! It's this constant back and forth: I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. What am I supposed to do!?"

"Relax" Says the psychiatrist, "You're two tents"

A guy goes to see his doctor...

The doctor asks what's wrong.

The guy says "Two nights ago, I dreamed I was a wigwam. Then last night, I dreamed I was a tepee."

The doctor replies, "Oh, you just need to relax. You're too tense."

Relax joke, A guy goes to see his doctor...

A man got a job in Ireland...

A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.

The day before they were to leave, she asked him,

"Are you sure about this?"

He tried to clam her down, saying

"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.


My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...

So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.

Wife wants to relax today!

Wife:
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.

Husband: why three tickets?

Wife: you and your parents.

Relax joke, Wife wants to relax today!

A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident

He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".

How do you keep black people from stealing things in your back yard?

You hang some in the front.

Relax It's dark humor

Four gay guys are headed to happy hour

When they get to the bar there is only one stool. They're about to leave to find a less crowded bar where they can sit and relax when the bar tender puts up his finger for them to wait, runs around the bar and flips over the stool.

Relaxing location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.

Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.

You can explore relax rest reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean relax worry dad jokes. There are also relax puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


"I'm so nervous,...

...this is the first time that I'm with a prostitute."
"Just relax and tell me what you like."
"I like turtles" :-)

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

The recurring dream

An old man sought out advice from his therapist about his troubling recurring dreams.

One night I'm a wigwam, the next night I'm a teepee.

Relax, said the therapist, you're two tents.

I was nervous lying next to her for the first time, but a voice inside my head said "Relax you, are not the first doctor to sleep with their patient..."

but another voice kept saying "Jim....you're a veternarian"

Sex

As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."

But another voice kept saying, "Dave, you are a veterinarian."

Relax joke, Sex

A woman was having sex with her husband's best friend when the telephone rang

And her husband's cell phone number appeared on the caller ID.

As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry

"Relax," she said after she hung up the phone.

he was just calling to tell me that he'll be home late because he's out bowling with you.

How does Mr Miyagi like to relax?

He wax off....

I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...

... I knew I was in hot water.


It's isn't rocket science

A patient on the dentist's chair was scared and quite apprehensive about the procedure he was going to undergo.

He asks a lot of questions and details from the dentist.

The dentist says, reassuringly:

"Relax, it's not brain surgery....Unless I slip."

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.

"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an erection during this procedure."

"I don't have an erection', I responded.

Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

I've started blunting knives to help myself relax.

Really takes the edge off.

Why didn't the mummy go on vacation?

He was afraid he'd relax and unwind!

A sheep walks into a bar..

Bartender says "Sorry man, I can't serve you here."
Sheep says, "Relax, I'm the black sheep of the family.Check this out, I brought a fuckload of other sheep with me.
The bartender starts counting sheep. Falls asleep.
Sheep drink for free.

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...

If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog

How do electricians relax?

They meditate.
*Oooohhhmmmm*

They do it after getting all amped up after a long day. It helps organize the mind after getting their wires crossed.

Did you know that Earth can fit into Uranus 63 times?

64 if you relax enough.

How do alcoholics relax after a long day?

They wine down.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Harold comes back to the phone. 'OK,' he says nervously, 'what do I do next?'

All I wanted was to relax while on my period...

...it was a bloodbath.

[NSFW] I know that it is your first time, so try to relax. Be open. Let me know if it hurts. It might bleed and that's totally fine. Let me know if you want me to pull it out. And above all...

...trust your dentist.

Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.

One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.

"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"

"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."

I can't relax when I'm camping . . .

It's too in tents.

"Relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous"

*... said the doctor.*

"Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."

"I know, I'm Peter."

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- Relax, Ernest, it's just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don't panic, the doctor says.

- But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.

- I know... just talking to myself.

Even the Eldritch elder gods need to relax once in a while..

..so they crack open a boy with the cold ones.

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .

Doctor : Relax, its perfectly normal to get an erection during a prostate exam.

Patient : Ummm..... But doc, i dont have an erection.

Doctor : I do.

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day, but to be perfectly honest, it wasn't all that relaxing. In fact, my eyes are in a lot of pain right now...

I did however, managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog...

He then grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.

Bartender: Whoa, Whoa man! What the hell are you doing?!!

Blind guy: Relax, I'm just taking a look around.

"Honey, do I look fat ?"

Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.

"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"

Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "

Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

Surgeon: Just relax, Michael. It's just a small surgery.

Patient: My name isn't Michael.

Surgeon: I know, my name is Michael.

What is a good pill to take when you need to relax?

A laxative.

After a concert at an old auditorium, the microphones started picking up whispers that weren't there...

"W-w-what was that??" asked one of the staff.

"Relax," said the manager, "it's just phantom power."

A doctor is just about to perform surgery

So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.

Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know. I am David.

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

"Relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder.

And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?

The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?

A man goes to the therapist and says...

"Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can't take this anymore!"
The therapist says: "Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly: where's Larry's bar?"

An exercise for people who are not in good shape.

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....

It was a partridge on a par 3.

A man wakes up the mental ward

Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.

What's that?

Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.

Okay.

Now that you're awake, I'll call your wife in...

My what?

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.

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Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, You have to try to relax, It looks like you're two tents.

Lawyer: Your honour, what if my client is guilty?

Cruella: WTF? You are supposed to defend me!

Lawyer: Relax. I'm playing de Vil's advocate.

My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"


"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a shit."

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.

The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.

Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an erection the doctor says.

The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.

Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.

Two men are hiking through the woods

**Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, Snake! Run! His companion laughs at him. Oh, relax. It's only a baby, he says. Don't you hear the rattle? **

What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt?

"Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the relax masseur jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working relax sofa piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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