Relax Jokes
123 relax jokes and hilarious relax puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about relax that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the hilarious and therapeutic power of Relax Jokes! Take a break from your problems and laugh away the stress with over 100 comical jokes that can help you to relax, rest and find a little levity in life.
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Funniest Relax Short Jokes
Short relax jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The relax humour may include short lighten up jokes also.
- My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
- I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look... ... I knew I was in hot water.
- Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.
- "Relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous" *... said the doctor.*
"Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."
"I know, I'm Peter." - I was trying to think of a way to make my wife pay attention to me. So I sat down, relaxed... That did it.
- "Relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder. And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.
- There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name. - Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia, a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.
It's called Burka King. - I was talking with a guy and he kept saying "I'm teepee I'm a wigwam." I said " relax man you're two tents."
- How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport Re:LAX
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Relax One Liners
Which relax one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with relax? I can suggest the ones about remain calm and chill.
- I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off
- What's the medical term for a chill pill? A relaxative
- How do dumplings relax? They take a “soy-ful” soak in the tub!
- How does Mr Miyagi like to relax? He wax off....
- Astronomy Fact: You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus 64 if you relax.
- All I wanted was to relax while on my period... ...it was a bloodbath.
- What's the difference between relaxation and laziness? The angle of the recliner.
- Why are Microsoft employees never relaxed? Because they're always on Edge.
- I can't relax when I'm camping . . . It's too in tents.
- What do you get when you mix Nyquil and MiraLAX? Relaxatives.
- Why didn't the mummy go on vacation? He was afraid he'd relax and unwind!
- What is a good pill to take when you need to relax? A laxative.
- How do alcoholics relax after a long day? They wine down.
- What do you call a piece of cloth that excels at relaxing? ... A napking.
- My boss caught me relaxing in the cooler and asked me what I was doing... Just chillin'.
Mind Relax Jokes
Here is a list of funny mind relax jokes and even better mind relax puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How does one walk through a Siberian forest? Do it in a calm and relaxed manner, but bear in mind
- Relax...close your eyes...OK, now I will read your mind. Geez! Really? You think this is some kind of joke?
- Would you like to know how to read minds? It's simple! Just relax. Take a deep breath.
Minds
Minds
Minds
Minds
Minds
Howlingly Hilarious Relax Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about relax you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean calm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make relax pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a chef relax?
He beats his meat
We've all had this on a plane...
I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back."
"I'm not surprised," she replied, "That's his seat and you're squashing him."
An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic...
...where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was and demanded, What's the matter with you? That woman is 84 years old, and you told her she was pregnant?
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, Does she still have the hiccups?
A guy goes to see his doctor...
The doctor asks what's wrong.
The guy says "Two nights ago, I dreamed I was a wigwam. Then last night, I dreamed I was a tepee."
The doctor replies, "Oh, you just need to relax. You're too tense."
A man got a job in Ireland...
A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.
The day before they were to leave, she asked him,
"Are you sure about this?"
He tried to clam her down, saying
"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."
A bear joke
Two guys check in at the ranger station before heading to their camp and the ranger says, "Keep an eye out for bears... they can outrun any human". The guys get to camp, set up and just as they're getting ready to relax, they look up the hill and see a huge grizzly bear roar and start charging down towards them. One of the guys immediately sits down and starts lacing up his shoes. The other guy, in disbelief, says "What are you doing?!? The ranger said we can't out run that thing"... and his buddy replies, "I don't need to outrun the bear... I just need to outrun you."
Two potatoes (no Latvians)
So two potatoes are sitting on the beach relaxing and one starts going on about how he doesn't need sunscreen and how he has such a nice tan. The other potato fed up yells at him "I'm trying to relax, quit your yammering".
Thought I'd just relax, crack open a couple of cold ones and really get to know some of the locals.
I love cemeteries...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Little Johnny grew out of diapers, his dad had to teach him how to pee like a man...
"Listen here, son, this is how you do it," says Daddy.
1. Unzip your pants
2. Pull out your equipment
3. Pull back your f**...
4. Relax the muscle that's holding in the pee
5. Push back your f**...
6. Put your equipment back,
7. Zip back up.
Later that day Johnny's sister, Little Jane, runs up to her dad exasperated. "Daddy, Daddy! Johnny's hogging the bathroom!" "That's fine," responds Daddy, "he's learning how to pee like a man." "No he's not!" yells Jane. "He's just in there shouting, 'Three, five, three, five, three, five..."
A blonde woman's first day at live software support..
She was giving help to customers through live chats.
She eventually got sick and busted right into the boss's office.
Woman: This is infuriating! Every time I try to help someone resolve their problems, they just hang up on me!
Boss: Whoa, whoa.... Relax. Okay, tell me what exactly happened? Did you say something to them?
Woman: Well, all I did was ask them to try restarting their computer!
Two speed are swiming next to each other
when one of them says, "Hey buddy, how far until we get to the egg?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...
So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.
I think I might go gold mining today...
Aurum just gonna stay at home and relax.
Where do French lawyers like to relax?
The J'accusi
How does Michael Jackson relax?
He likes to blow bubbles.
Wife wants to relax today!
Wife:
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.
What is the philosophy of a necrophiliac?
Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident
He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four gay guys are headed to happy hour
When they get to the bar there is only one stool. They're about to leave to find a less crowded bar where they can sit and relax when the bar tender puts up his finger for them to wait, runs around the bar and flips over the stool.
El Humpty Dumpty
Relax amigo, your moment is coming.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Relaxing location
While my parents were making their f**... arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I'm so nervous,...
...this is the first time that I'm with a p**...."
"Just relax and tell me what you like."
"I like turtles" :-)
Donald Trump in a submarine
Soldier " Sir! The enemy is attacking, we're under fire!"
Trump "relax soldier... We're under water..."
Why can you never relax when you go camping with another couple?
two tents
Even years after completing rehab for habitual lying It's impossible to relax.
I find it hard to lie still.
I was nervous lying next to her for the first time, but a voice inside my head said "Relax you, are not the first doctor to sleep with their patient..."
but another voice kept saying "Jim....you're a veternarian"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Dave, you are a veterinarian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was having s**... with her husband's best friend when the telephone rang
And her husband's cell phone number appeared on the caller ID.
As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry
"Relax," she said after she hung up the phone.
he was just calling to tell me that he'll be home late because he's out bowling with you.
A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents
Blonde: Oh by the way I´m pregnant
Parents (simultaneously): You´re WHAT!?!
Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I´m not even sure it´s mine
Why is everyone giving Kellyanne Conway such a hard time about making herself comfortable?
Come on, you'd want to relax as well, fabricating a massacre takes some effort.
I'm relaxing on a beach in Chile
I'm Chilean out there
It's isn't rocket science
A patient on the dentist's chair was scared and quite apprehensive about the procedure he was going to undergo.
He asks a lot of questions and details from the dentist.
The dentist says, reassuringly:
"Relax, it's not brain surgery....Unless I slip."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
What do budgies do to relax?
Netflix and Trill
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Friends will be friends
-You must stop making fun of how short i am
-Come on man , do you want me to fill up the washbasin so that you can relax?
I wanted to become a boxing referee so much that I was shaking.
The interviewer told me to relax and count to ten.
A sheep walks into a bar..
Bartender says "Sorry man, I can't serve you here."
Sheep says, "Relax, I'm the black sheep of the family.Check this out, I brought a fuckload of other sheep with me.
The bartender starts counting sheep. Falls asleep.
Sheep drink for free.
This entire net neutrality is getting out hand fellas, let's relax and see how Congress can handle this.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have a great idea for a place for kids to go in the summer where they can meditate and relax
These Concentration Camps are going to be huge!
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog
Where do zombies go to relax?
The unliving room.
So I told my psychologist....
Me: I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi.
psychologist: relax man, you're too tense.
Man hires a lawyer when he got sued for embezzlement
Lawyer: Relax, you won't be going to jail with that amount of cash.
The man felt relieved.
Indeed, he was penniless by the time he ended up in jail.
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
Every night I like to kick back and relax...
I enjoy a fresh glass of milk and a box of my favourite crackers, Triscuits. I know, it ain't the ritz.
How does a Star Wars fan relax?
With Jyn and tonic
Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.
One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.
"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"
"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."
My employer wants me to start taking 5 minute breaks throughout the day and take a few deep breaths to help relax.
So I've decided to take up smoking.
What does a yakuza do to relax ?
he goes in a yacuzzi
Relaxation
What's the best and easiest way to relax for a man? Buy couple of beers and have "kalsarikännit".
Finnish word for getting drunk home in your underwear.
What do horses listen to relax?
HaySMR
I'll see myself out.
Why did the melon never relax at home?
Because of his wife's big honeydew list.
Two enemy generals meet after battle
General 1: This crazy maneuver earlier was quite unfair ...
General 2: Relax, Dude. It's just a flank, foe!
Ever notice how horror movies are the only ones you try to ruin?
No one ever consoles their girlfriend during an action movie and says "relax, this will never happen. It isn't real."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First conversation after marriage
Girl: All shy...
Guy: Ok, relax! You can f**....
Where does Santa go to relax after Christmas?
Santa Cruz
A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia
- Relax, Ernest, it's just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don't panic, the doctor says.
- But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.
- I know... just talking to myself.
Even the Eldritch elder gods need to relax once in a while..
..so they crack open a boy with the cold ones.
A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.
Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .
When toys take a day off...
...they just Lego and relax their Nerfs.
"Honey, do I look fat ?"
Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.
"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"
Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "
Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "
A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911.
"My friend isn't breathing," - he shouts into the phone, - "What should I do?"
"Relax," - the operator tells him, - "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says:
"OK, now what?"
After a concert at an old auditorium, the microphones started picking up whispers that weren't there...
"W-w-what was that??" asked one of the staff.
"Relax," said the manager, "it's just phantom power."
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant
The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.
What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?
The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?
A man goes to the therapist and says...
"Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can't take this anymore!"
The therapist says: "Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly: where's Larry's bar?"
An exercise for people who are not in good shape.
Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
