Relatives Jokes
81 relatives jokes and hilarious relatives puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about relatives that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Relatives Short Jokes
Short relatives jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The relatives humour may include short cousins jokes also.
- Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous
- My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
- My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"? I said "No man, that would just make us even."
- If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative... Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
- The movie titanic turns 25 later this year. In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.
- My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives. I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
- My Boyfriend said I'm starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman…. What a joker!!!
- If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package... Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.
- I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit... So I just announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out to all my relatives are.
- You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are. Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.
Share These Relatives Jokes With Friends
Relatives One Liners
Which relatives one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with relatives? I can suggest the ones about ancestors and brothers and sisters.
- Money is relative. The more money you make.. The more relatives seem to know you.
- Einstein's second wife was his cousin ... ... so I guess sometimes love is relative.
- Roses are red Roses are blue, depending on their velocity relative to you
- Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively
- How similar are dad jokes to uncle jokes? Well, they're related.
- Why Einstein loved his parents and grandparents? They were all relatives.
- All of my jokes are anti-vaxer related They all die in new
- I named my boat Relation. Now I can tell people... I have a Relationship.
- Why did Einstein only own grandfather clocks Because time is relative
- Success is relative…. The more success, the more relatives you have!
- People say wealth is relative The wealthier you are, the more relatives you will get.
- What do geology and Alabama have in common? Relative dating
- Why did Einstein marry his first cousin? Because, it was all relative.
- Anything not related to elephants is irrelephant.
- What section on Pornhub do people from Alabama go to the most? Related
Close Relatives Jokes
Here is a list of funny close relatives jokes and even better close relatives puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.
- I asked a scientist how close humanity is to speed-of-light travel "We're relatively far off."
- How are relatable things, and alcholic fathers under house arrest, alike? They both hit really close to home
- Which former U.S. policitian is closely related to a lizard-like semiaquatic amphibian of the scientific family Salamandridae? Newt Gingrich.
Distant Relatives Jokes
Here is a list of funny distant relatives jokes and even better distant relatives puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two guys are talking about their family histories... GUY 1: Hey, I heard you're Einstein's distant cousin.
GUY 2: I'm not sure, really. It's just a theory of relativity. - I heard NASCAR was a distant cousin of Formula 1. I guess that's what they mean by race relations.
Unearthly Funniest Relatives Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about relatives you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grandparents jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make relatives pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I couldn't join the k**... if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.
Turns out my parents weren't even related.
A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...
The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...
and the Judge is asking Baby bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...
... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."
It's my birthday, so here's a related joke.
Why are birthdays good for you?
-
-
-
-
-
Statistics show: those who have the most, live the longest.
A man and his wife drove past the beautiful countryside...
They saw a pig, rolling in the mud, so wife said: "Your relative?"
Man replied: "Yes, mother-in-law."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota
Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."
Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."
As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."
Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"
But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna c**...!"
Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."
So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"
Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
Relativity theory
In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.
Albert Einstein owed the inspiration for one of his best ideas to his cousin who had Down Syndrome...
he had a special relative, you see?
A couple got into an argument...
A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.
As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:
"Relatives of yours?"
The man replied:
"In-laws."
I took some roadkill I hit home to barbeque for dinner,
On a related note... anyone have any use for a child's bicycle and backback?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How five Jews changed the way we see the world:
Moses: "The Law is everything"
Jesus: "Love is everything"
Marx: "Money is everything"
Freud: "s**... is everything"
Einstein: "Everything is relative"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just got back from a friends f**... who drowned last week.
I got a lot of a**... from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between i**... and necrophilia?
i**... is relatively boring, necrophilia is dead boring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
News just in:
Someone has been killed with a starter p**... !!!
Police think it might be race related..............
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of s**... or family relations?
Asking for a friend.
I was having intimate relations with a married woman.
A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roy Moore says he'll bring Alabama values to Washington, but I'm not so sure. I mean, he s**... assaulted teenage girls...
But he wasn't related to any of 'em!
I had a tough conversation with my parents
Dad: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Dad: water
Me: water who?
Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I must have a huge family.
Whenever I click related on PornHub is all people I've never seen before.
I'm surprised the University of Alabama doesn't offer a major in archaeology.
I heard they are really into relative dating out there.
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call the moisture between two h**... having s**...?
Relative humidity.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.
I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?
Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...?
Police think it is race-related
Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...
But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the bar last night, a woman got her n**... pierced right in front of me
. On a related note...…………………. I s**... at darts.
I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…
If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.
They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.
"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"
So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.
So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.
Teacher: Why on earth do you let your dog eat your homework?
Billy: Well, my dog really love to eat cake.
Teacher: And how does this even related?
Billy: Yesterday you said that the homework is a piece of cake....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.
Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.
**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.
The man stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, "Well dam".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can I take a skin graft from my b**... and put it on someone who isn't related?
a**... skin for a friend
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
Steak related jokes are not very common...
But when it's good, it's a rare medium well done.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Irish men in a pub…
… called m**..., Pat and Tat. The barman says "Are you all related?"
m**... said "Yeah we're triplets!"
Barman said "Triplets!, how come you and Pat are 6ft tall and Tat is only 4ft tall?",
"Well!" said m**... "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no t**... for Tat!
It's hard to find a good partner in most of the US
But in Alabama, you can find a partner with relative ease
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it
Mom I think I'm adopted!
Mom: No you're not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?
Nathan: Well, I've just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I've got no living relatives?!
Mom: This is nonsense, let's show this to your dad…
Dad *walks in*: Well of course he's not our son, don't you remember the first night in the labour ward after you gave birth… you asked me to change him because he was crying so much? I think I picked a good one don't you?
I love "technically true" jokes, like:
If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.
Or
Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?
Or
There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
What else you got? (It doesn't *have* to be water-related...)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's the Merseyside Derby and Anfield is full to bursting
A Liverpool fan sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He turns to the man in the next seat and says 'I can't believe there's an empty seat on derby day'. The man replies 'This seat belonged to my wife, she died last week. She never missed a game'
The Liverpool fan says 'Oh I'm sorry for your loss, don't you have a friend or relative who could use her ticket?'. The man replies 'No. They're all at the f**...'
What to say when someone knocks on the door of the public bathroom stall you're in
"We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations."
If they reply "Well what about old friends?", then you really should probably consider if you're decent before letting Gandalf in.
The latest 23andMe data breach is believed to be perpetrated by the same hacker from the previous breach.
It appears they're related.
