Relationship Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

My girlfriend borrowed $500 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $500.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

My girlfriend just told me she has a STD...

I'm Gonorrhoea-valuate our relationship

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

I could never cheat in a relationship

That would require 2 people to find me attractive

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship

I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.

They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship

Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

I just ended a 5 year relationship today.

It's okay. It wasn't my relationship.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

I just ended a 5 years long relationship

I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.

I could never cheat in a relationship...

Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

Why are relationships complex?

Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary

Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.

Relationships are like Algebra...

You look at your X and wonder Y.

Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship?

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.

I'm the real part.

I just ended a 5 year relationship

I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship :P

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

None they both eat out.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

No one, they both eat out.

I just ended a 5 year relationship!

I am fine though because it wasn't my relationship.

In a lesbian relationship, which one makes the sandwiches?

Neither. They eat out.

If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship

Well then I've got some news for you

I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...

I'm moving the fridge to my room.

I just ended a five year relationship.......

I'm fine though, it wasn't mine

If you're an astronaut..

and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time

I just ended a 8 year relationship

I'm OK though, it wasn't my relationship

I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship.

My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though.

Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love...

But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

Wife: We're not talking over the radio. This relationship is over.

Husband: This relationship is what? Over.

My relationship with my chauffer just isn't going anywhere.

It feels like he's always trying to drive me away.

My relationship is complex

part real, part imaginary.

What fuels electronics but drains a relationship?

Battery

Pooping is kinda like being in a relationship...

It's amazing at first but when it's over you feel empty inside.

I'm in a complex relationship

My girlfriend is imaginary.

Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW?

Because they have high double standards.

I heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship.

I just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

Don't ever get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player...

Love means nothing to them.

A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...

and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."

How are relationships like algebra?

You look at your X and try to find out Y

The relationship between a man and a woman is psychological.

She's a psycho and he's logical.

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

My girlfriend borrowed 200$ from me when we met. 4 years later, when we broke up, she gave me exactly 200$ back.

I lost interest in that relationship.

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship?

9/11

Relationships are like algebra

You always look at your x and try to figure out y.

I'm in a very serious relationship

we never laugh.

My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work.

She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.

I know a guy that had a sexual relationship with one of his teachers

I suppose there's a lot less competition when you're homeschooled

Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.

If three people in a relationship are a threesome, two people in a relationship are a twosome...

That's why people call me handsome.

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

My friends Scott and Ruth broke up after a long-term relationship.

He's now ruthless and she got off, scott free.

I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.

Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.

Stages of man's sexuality [OC]

1. Puberty: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable masturbation in your room and some casual sex with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild sex all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular sex.
5. Marriage after children: masturbating in secrecy and shame.

Who makes dinner in a lesbian relationship?

Neither, they eat out.

"My relationship with golf is starting to suffer"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah.. We're going through a rough patch"

I was in a relationship with Lorraine, but fell in love with Claire Lee.

When Lorraine found out, she left me. Then I realized

I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone.

Did you hear about the houses that fell in love?

It was a lawn-distanced relationship

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

I just ended a 5 year relationship

But it is ok, it wasn't my relationship

I think my dad and I have the best relationship ever

We've been playing Hide n Seek for nearly 22 years and I still can't find him!

An elderly couple had been dating for some time.

Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was that one word or two?"

I just ended a long-term relationship today

I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine

I just ended a 6 year relationship

But its okay, it wasn't my relationship

The longest relationship I've had is with my first vibrator.

We were together 7 years. Off and on.

I divorced my wife and bought a horse...

I'm finally in a stable relationship.

What are the funniest relationship jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Relationship? Well, here are the best Relationship puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Relationship pick up lines to share with friends.

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