Regret Jokes
109 regret jokes and hilarious regret puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about regret that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Regret Short Jokes
Short regret jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The regret humour may include short remorse jokes also.
- I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
- When I'm at a bar I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
- Regretting the compliment... A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
- I regret joining the gym recently.. leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds
- Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
- The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions They shouldn't have followed the Heard
- I called my wife and said that I'll pick up burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence. I think she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
- My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!" But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.
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Regret One Liners
Which regret one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with regret? I can suggest the ones about apologies and guilt.
- Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
- Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
- Jussie Smollett is deeply regretting what he did. He shouldn't beat himself up over it.
- Lost job and no money for buy potato.
Also is cold.
Regret immigrate to Detroit. - 'It's a boy!', I shouted..... .. and at that moment, I regretted visiting a Thai brothel.
- •••---•••. I regret that Remorse code
- Why can't a nose be 12 long? Because then it'd be a foot.
I already regret this one - 9/11 never forget 11/9 always regret
- Mom: "I regret getting you that blender for your birthday" Me: (with liquid toast): Why?
- England votes to leave the Euro cup Many express regret and want a rematch.
- We regret getting a Mac instead of a Dell. We could have had it all.
- What's a panda's biggest life regret? Never had a selfie in color.
- Which bird did Noah regret taking on the ark? The woodpeckers.
- John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.
- What do you call the study of human regret? Anthroapology
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Regret Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about regret you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean disappointment jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make regret pranks.
What do Harvard and a v**... have in common?
You try so hard to get in but 9 months later you regret you ever came.
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
My surgeon friend that specialized in Augmentation Mammaplasty just died.
I regret not being there the moment he took his last breast.
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
What was Hitlers only regret?
Not working for Comcast.
KFC is like s**...; you regret it afterwards, you end up greasy and sweaty...
and I don't think parents should give it to their children.
My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.
She's never going to play monopoly with me again!
Christmas these days is a lot like having s**...
the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
The kind of woman that ya make your wife.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Would it be wrong to give terminally ill children tattoos?
I mean... it's not like they'll grow up to regret them. :(
I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.
You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
I became a vegetarian yesterday.
I regret it already, I guess you can say it was a missed steak.
A shabby looking Nun walks into a bar...
The barman takes one look at her, pulls out a shotgun and gives her both in the chest...
Aghast, I protest "Christ!? What the h**...'dya do that for?!"
With a look of regret he turns to me and whispers
"...bad habit."
I've been running around screaming at random people that I've lost my virginity.
I'm starting to regret naming my dog that.
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
s**... auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
What was the border patrol agent's greatest regret?
The Juan that got away.
Why is a buffet like a s**... club?
You'll regret going to a cheap one.
Do you ever regret getting the chickenpox?
Yes, every shingle day.
I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…
…it was a total rip-off!
My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.
She just doesn't know what j**....
I regret buying that top of the line PC; computing power doubles every 18 months so the computer is now obsolete.
I'm feeling buyers remoore's.
My psychiatrist says I have an unhelathy preoccupation with revenge.
He's sooooo gonna regret saying that at my next appointment.
Some men are like donuts
Sweet and tasty looking but once inside, you feel only regret...
George W. Bush visits Algeria.
As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."
What do you call an egret that got too close to the road?
A rEgret
What was o**... bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?
kids blow up so fast
A soldier's revenge after his SO broke up
A soldier serving in Afghanistan was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying,
"I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Trump walks into a bar and Is suprised to see the bartender is a genie
The genie says "what'll you have?" Trump says"give me something I'll regret in the morning" The genie gives him a conscience, empathy, and humility.
After years of searching for his missing journalist father, a man gets a call from the U.S. Embassy...
I regret to inform you that we've located your father's remains. They were found buried in a sack somewhere in Iraq.
Oh no! Baghdad?
Try to remember how he lived, not how he died.
A n**... lady enters the costume party behind the turtle
She has nothing but a monkey covering her p**... area.
The host takes one puzzled look.
"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"
"I'm an Italian boy!"
"What's with the monkey?"
"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...
One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"
I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.
He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.
What do you call "the unwanted c**... that 300 million people will regret in future"?
What ever you do, dont go to Africa.
Uganda regret it
My wife left me today
She said I am addicted to gambling. I give you 2:1 odds that she will regret it later.
So I found out this guy was literally throwing my throw pillows.
I really regret hiring him as my babysitter.
I'm going to be honest and admit that I have used my phone while driving.
But seriously, who hasn't done things they regret when they are hammered
My grandmother recently called in to a contest on the radio.
The contest was giving away free skydiving lessons to the first caller.
My grandmother called in, and she was the first caller, so they gave her the papers for the free lessons.
She started the lessons a few days later. When the instructor opened the plane door and told her to jump off, my grandmother looked down to the ground, she started to regret taking the lessons. she said "Help, I've gotten up and I can't fall down."
People always say Hugs not Drugs
But whenever i call my dealer he calls me gay!
P.S: I regret nothing.
I regret getting a manager position at soda factory...
It's so-da-grading.
Celebrating too early is a bad idea. It usually goes wrong, and you will regret it.
The sun is like a hot girl with a STD
It might be nice to be in it at first but later you might get itchy and regret it
One thing I regret
Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.
I've spent half an hour trying to get my SO's bra off...
I really regret putting it on now.
The wife just said "you treat our house like a hotel".
I think she may come to regret saying that when I give her a low score on Trip Advisor for 'rude staff'.
I regret naming my daughter Alexa because of the popularity of the Amazon Echo. So we decided to change her name to something that will never be a popular word.
We're trying to pick between Cortana and Bixby
Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography
Every time I'd enter the class room I would exclaim 'oh the humanities!'
A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".
Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".
Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like w**..., money and a hint of regret.
It's called Elon Musk
I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Recently came into some money.
Instant regret, way too sticky.
George W. Bush found a magic lamp.
What do you want from me, mr. Bush? asks the genie.
I regret a lot of stuff. I just want people to see me as wise, rightful man.
And that was the moment when Trump won the election.
What do you call having pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
Regret
I really regret getting a bigger air balloon for my business...
I have too much overhead now.
I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans
I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.
I really regret what I did in the capital of Thailand
Bangkok
A young man at his wit's end called the s**... Hotline for help. Unfortunately he was greeted by an automated voice message after waiting for several rings.
"Hello," spoke an artificial sounding voice on the other line "we regret to inform you that the s**... Hotline is no longer in service. If you do require assistance with your s**... please use the emergency number 911 and an officer will be out to assist you shortly."
I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.
I really didn't mean it.
An archeologist was doing his job one day...
...when he uncovered an ancient-looking stone carving in the shape of the Arabic letter D . When his site manager saw this, he told the archeologist to put it back where he found it and to never dig up something like that again. The archeologist asked the site manager why.
He replied, I like the way you're working, but no dig a D.
I regret posting this already.
Homer Simpson takes his yellow, spiky-haired son to a bar. The bartender pulls up a shotgun and aims it at the boy.
I regret saying this, but the bartender lives up to his name.
I went out late at night to call my cat.
And now I really regret naming him Batman. The neighbors are looking concerned.
Wife is not going to be happy
My wife said "you treat this place like a hotel"
She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'
A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd.
Although I regret calling it a concentration camp.
