Register Jokes
130 register jokes and hilarious register puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about register that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article provides a collection of jokes related to cash registers, counters, clerks, and enrollments. Get a laugh from these funny cash register, counter, clerk, and enrollment jokes. Perfect for improving one's day.
Quick Jump To
- Short Register Jokes
- Register One Liners
- Man At Register Jokes
- Cash Register Jokes
- More Register Jokes
Funniest Register Short Jokes
Short register jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The register humour may include short protect jokes also.
- A man went to the register with only a box of condoms. The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?'
He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly' - My dad once told me that I would spend my life flipping burgers Jokes on him. I'm on register now.
- I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today. Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still, my pick up game is getting better.
- When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you. It's not going well.
- My local church held a Netflix and Chastity event 31 people registered as going, but nobody came
- Why couldn't Marco Rubio register on a web forum? The website required him to prove that he is not a robot.
- Today I went to the convenience store to pick up some condoms. When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?" I replied "No, she's not that ugly"
- Why did T-rex have to register with police? He was a small arms dealer.
I'm very sorry, I'll show myself out. - Dad joke [OC] *My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*
Cashier: any gas with that?
Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black - The inventor of the umbrella was going to call it the brella, but when he went to register the patent , he hesitated.
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Register One Liners
Which register one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with register? I can suggest the ones about associate and subscribe.
- Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
- Just found out I will be in a children's book... Well it's more of a register
- I registered to a website for constipation sufferers. It won't let me logout.
- "Hello I'd like to register for mime classes" "Ah, say no more"
- Why didn't the cashier get the punchline? It didn't register.
- I told a joke to a cashier today. It didn't register.
- Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender
- I really shouldn't be driving in a state like this Car's only registered in Queensland
- What do you call a Jewish piano? A cash register.
- What's a cash register's favorite cereal? Chex.
- Why was 4 afraid of 5? 5 was a registered 6 offender
- I used to offend people. I am now a registered ex-offender.
- Why couldn't the cashier see their till? It just didn't register.
- The FAA can register my drone... ...when they pry it from my neighbour's cold dead head.
- My dad suggested I register for a donor card He's a man after my own heart
Man At Register Jokes
Here is a list of funny man at register jokes and even better man at register puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Here's another godawful joke. Downvote away. Why was the man banned from the jazz club?
Because he was a registered sax offender. - So a Christian man walks into a Jewish bakery and he looks at all the fantastic breads. He walks up to the cash register and he asks: How much does your challah cost?
Cashier responds: 6 million - A black man comes at the cash register to pay his groceries.
- A police officer stopped a man "Sir, please stop s**... offending that man."
"Don't worry, I'm a registered s**... offender."
"My mistake, sir, you may continue." - Did you hear about the man that s**... assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier? He is a register 6 offender.
- My dad has suggested that I register to be an o**... donor.... I guess he is a man after my own heart.
Cash Register Jokes
Here is a list of funny cash register jokes and even better cash register puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to the grocery store to grab some milk But the lady at the cash register said her pump was broken.
- *at cash register* ME: Do I swipe the whole card or...
*[seductively inserts chip]*
Just the tip?
CASHIER: *[into mic]* Security - Whenever I talk to a Mexican I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us It's about 4 ft high, made of wood and there's usually a cash register on top of it.
- My cash register won't open... I guess it doesn't make much cents for me to use it.
- There wasn't a price on the bottle of water, so I took it up to the cash register. "Could you tell me how much this is?" I asked. She said, "That's 500 millilitres, sir."
- What sound would a cash register at an Asian Harry Potter store make? Cho-Chang!
- What is a synonym for a Jewish piano? A cash register
- Pavlov walks into a bar Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the cash register ring and he says:
"s**..., I forgot to feed my dogs." - I went to ferguson and all I got was this s**... T-Shirt And this cash register, and this Xbox, and this flat screen tv.
- Read my horoscope today.. I read my horoscope today. It said that I will soon come into some money.
Funnily enough it was right. I just got finished m**... into a cash register.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Register Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about register you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean registration jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make register pranks.
So a man walks in to a CVS..
and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size c**... he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your c**... size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size c**... he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".
**tl;dr - h**....**
I was at KFC placing my order....
and I ask the girl at the register, "do you have chicken legs?" she says, "yes." so I says to her, "is that why you're wearing pants?"
A man in Texas is driving with twenty penguins in the bed of his pickup…
…when he is stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper approaches and tells the man that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo immediately as they are non-native and not registered to the man as pets. Right away, officer, replies the man, and off he goes.
The following day, the same man is driving on the same road with the same twenty penguins in the bed of his truck. This time, however, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses and straw hats. Sure enough, the man is stopped by the same officer. After pulling the man over, the officer approaches.
What is the meaning of this? I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday, why are they still in the bed of your truck? Did you really think these disguises would fool me?
They're not disguises, officer, you see I DID take them to the zoo yesterday—in fact, we had so much fun, we're going to the beach today.
A Bear walks into McDonalds
A bear walks into Mcdonalds and goes up to the register.
"How can I help you?" (lady at register)
"yeah can I get a milk..............shake?" (bear)
"uh of course you can but I have to ask you....What's up with the pause?" (lady at register)
"Paws?.......Well I am a bear"
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...
... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."
Password reset
A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.
"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"
"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."
"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"
"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."
"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"
"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."
"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"
"No, you must get a new one."
"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."
"Sorry, you must get a new one."
"OK, roses."
"Sorry you must use more letters."
"OK, pretty roses"
"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."
"OK, 1 pretty rose"
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
"OK, 1prettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use additional characters."
"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."
"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"
It's a Saturday evening...
It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."
A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant?
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "
Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"
Waiting in line
A woman is checking out at the grocery store. She buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.
The man behind her says "you must be single"
"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"
"Nope, it's because you are ugly!"
Why is veganism like being a registered s**... offender?
You have to inform everyone when you first meet them.
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered s**... offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
Do scarecrows really work?
No, but because they don't register for benefits, they don't count as unemployed either.
TIFU by hiring a registered s**... offender as a replacement teacher
Oops wrong sub.
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
Just saved 50 bucks!
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!
Drunk a grocery store
Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.
He says "You must be single"
The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"
Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"
Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy
Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.
Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous!
Best Buy Guy: (opens the lid and points inside the machine) Well if you look inside sir, you'll see that all the agitators are black.
A teacher finds his students have drawn p**... on the whiteboard, so he rubs them all off.
He is now a registered s**... offender.
I came across a lost kid in my neighborhood the other day
Now I have to register everywhere I live and put a sign in my yard :(
A man walks into a grocery store
After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill
I hate moving house...
It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the s**... offenders register again.
I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard.
Since we're at it: Dating in your 30s is like registering a domain name...
The good ones are all taken. But you can always get one from an exotic country...
LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself n**... and accidentally get arrested and registered as a s**... offender.
Spread the word.
An pakistani in the US fears for his safety
Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.
I Went To The Patent Office.
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She s**... and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one c**...."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a registered child m**....
A registered o**... donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...
Because they de-liver for free.
Why do people hesitate before registering as an o**... donor?
It takes guts.
We now finally have proof that o**... Bin Laden is dead
He just registered to vote in Chicago
I always hate when I move to a new neighborhood because I'm forced to meet all my new neighbors and I'm terrible with first impressions. Ive never had anyone talk to me again after the first time.
All I ever say is, "Hi. My name is Eric Smith and I'm a registered child m**...."
I was doing some shopping at the supermarket...
...and had a cart full of groceries and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Coincidentally, my wife walked in just as I was checking out.
She noticed the flowers I was buying and jokingly said "Those had better be for me!"
The teenager at the register turned and said "Even if they weren't, they definitely are now!"
Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car c**... on the Golden Gate Bridge?
He left his heart in San Francisco.
A dinosaur goes to a supermarket
A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:
'So how are you paying today?'
The dinosaur replies:
'With tyrannosaurus checks.'
A father and son walk into a gas station...
After grabbing a few snacks they walk up to the register to pay for everything.
The cashier says "sorry sir, but you have to swipe your card again."
Son: "dad, don't."
Father: *sweats profusely*
Cashier: "sir?"
Father: "but I'm not wearing a cardigan!"
George's son
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
I am registered as a s**... offender
...but where do I log in?
Two young boys go to a store
They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."
Just found out my dad is a registered s**... offender.
I'm s**....
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'
He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?
A pirate walks into McDonalds.
This pirate has a steering wheel between his legs, but doesn't seem to notice. As he places his order, the employee at the register keeps glancing at it awkwardly. Finally, as the pirate finishes ordering, the employee says "Sir, are you aware there's a steering wheel between your legs?" The pirate looks at it and goes "Yar. It be driving me nuts."
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having s**... with his patients.
It's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.
A s**... person buys a lottery ticket for $1
To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One v**..., please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve v**....
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest
"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.
"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.
"But there is no God" counters the official.
"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"
A woman was at the supermarket
A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."
I organised a support group meeting for individuals with erectile dysfunction.
Though around 20 people registered, many couldn't come.
Why did the T-Rex stay away from the triceratops?
Because the triceratops was a registered rex offender.
A doctor sees a brains for sale sign in front of a shop.
He goes in and sees a doctor's brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90? The cashier responds, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound?
My wife always wanted a son with a foreign sounding name.
So, after she
gave birth she decided on Mark but
with a C.
I just went now to register his name!
l am so excited on my way home to see
little baby Cark!
Some guy just came to my door to explain he registered as a s**... offender
I was like wait, you can buy a permit for that?
Did you hear about the guy destroying snacks at the grocery store?
He's on the registered Chex offender list now.
A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked her, "When s your birthday?" She replied, 'June 10."
The clerk asked, "What year?"
The blonde said, "Every year."
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
Why can't the scanned document go 50 feet near a school?
Because it's a registered PDF file.
A woman walks into a bar
She sits at the counter and orders a salad with croutons and a creamy dressing.
The waiter delivers her salad, and she hands him a crisp $20 bill. As the waiter walks back to the cash register he holds it to the light and realizes it's a counterfeit! He snaps around to see the woman grabbing her salad and running for the door.
He shouts at the top of his lungs "Seize her salad!"
