Refused Leave Jokes
42 refused leave jokes and hilarious refused leave puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about refused leave that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Refused Leave Short Jokes
Short refused leave jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The refused leave humour may include short refused jokes also.
- After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- I refuse to go bungie jumping I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
- A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House... They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.
- Why I am leaving this sub: She refused to do as I had asked. I do not have tolerance for disobedient submissives.
- My girlfriend's refusal to learn the difference between baking soda and washing soda leaves me foaming at the mouth
- I'm not sure who got the worse beating.... that doctor or this dead horse.^^^"The ^^^horse ^^^refused ^^^to ^^^leave ^^^voluntarily" ^^^-United ^^^Airlines
- Why were the elephants asked to leave the n**... beach? They refused to remove their trunks.
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Refused Leave One Liners
Which refused leave one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with refused leave? I can suggest the ones about sick leave and denied.
- What does an Indian who refuses to leave say? Namaste.
- I Want To Bring Joy To The World But she refuses to leave the house.
Uplifting Refused Leave Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about refused leave you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean leaving job jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make refused leave pranks.
A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor
A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"
God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
A blonde and a brunette bought a farm...
...and although the farm came stocked with a barn full of hay, some chickens, and a few horses, they only had one cow and needed a bull to raise more. They checked the newspaper listings and found a bull for sale a few hundred miles away.
The brunette bought a train ticket and took their remaining $50 to buy the bull. When she arrived, the seller refused any offers below $45, leaving the brunette without enough cash to get her and the bull home. She decided she would send a telegram to her friend to pick them up.
At the post office, the postman tells her a telegram will cost her $5 per word. Since she only has $5 left, she can only send one word to her friend. Thinking long and hard about what to send, she finally decides on "comfortable". The postman looks puzzled and asks, "Why comfortable?"
The brunette says, "My friend is blonde and reads really slowly. To her, it will say 'Come-for-ta-bull.'"
Where Is God?
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?" The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?" To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"
taxi cab
A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.
Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.
"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.
The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.
Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.
He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.
He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a b**.... "What? Get out of my cab."
He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.
He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.
And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.
A koala wakes up next to a p**.......
The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the p**... wakes up. As he opens the door, the protitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, so the protitute says "let's look in a dictionary for the definition of p**...". The two proceed to look up the definition to find that it is 'someone who has s**... for money'. The Koala then flips a few pages back to the definition of koala, then walks out of the room. Confused, the protitute looks down at the page. The dictionary says 'Koala: An animal who eats bushes and leaves'
Clean as cold water can get it.
A man decides to spend a week on his uncle's farm, well away from the city life. The first night his uncle cooks him a lovely meal and afterwards his uncle takes the dishes away to be cleaned. The next day at breakfast the man notices there still seem to be bits of dinner on the plate. He asks his uncle about it and his uncle replies "It's as clean as cold water can get it." The man accepts that but offers to do the cleaning himself, but his uncle refuses. At dinner the man again notices bits of the last meal still on the dishes. He asks his uncle again, and the reply is still "It's as clean as cold water can get it."
This continues for the week until it's time for the man to leave, but his uncle's dog is blocking the gate and refuses to move. The man asks his uncle to get the dog out of the way and his uncle yells: "Oi! Coldwater! Get out of the way!"
The most trustworthy knight
A king is about to set out on a journey far away from his home, and must leave his wife behind, but is worried about her faithfulness. He asks the local blacksmith to create a chastity belt that will keep his wife faithful, and so the blacksmith gets to work right away. The blacksmith brings the king a set of metal undergarments with a lock in the back, and a large hole in the front. The king asks why the blacksmith would leave a hole in such a spot. The blacksmith proceeds to get a short stick, and place it in the hole. Immediately, the end of the stick is chopped off by a blade within the hole. The king is impressed, so he leaves on his way after giving the undergarments to his wife. On the day the king returned, he assembled all of his knights in a line, and told them to drop their pants, in order to see who had tried to have their way with his wife. To his displeasure, the king saw that all down the line, every knight had lost his member to the blade, with the exception of one. The king congratulated the knight on his trustworthiness, and asked that he be made the new general in his army. The knight simply shook his head. The king asked again, and again the knight simply shook his head. Confused, the king asked the knight why he refused to accept such an honor, only to have the next knight in line turned to the king and say, "Forgive him, your majesty, he has had trouble speaking since his tongue was chopped off."
A new recruit is sent to an outpost in the Jungle.
A new recruit is sent out in the jungle to a small outpost, where there are only a few other soldiers there, all of them experienced veterans. After a few weeks, the soldier begins to feel a little unsatisfied with his s**... life, so he goes to ask the sergeant what he can do about it. The sergeant says, "Well, every Sunday, we go out into the jungle, find a bunch of female gorillas and have s**... with them."
The recruit is disgusted, and refuses to join the sergeant and the rest of the soldiers on Sunday.
After a few more weeks, the recruit decides to finally join the rest of the soldiers on their trip to the gorillas, just to try it out. When they get there, all of the soldiers rush back in forth in order to grab a gorilla, leaving the recruit with only one.
Suddenly, all of the soldiers start laughing at him. Not quite knowing why, the recruit yells,"Im not the only one having s**... with a Gorilla!"
The sergeant responds, "No, you just got the ugly one".
A Chinese man dies and leaves behind his wife...
She absolutely refuses to accept his death and travels far and wide to find someone who can bring him back from the dead.
Finally she finds someone who can do it and his lifeless body is once again living and breathing. She says "Honey I couldn't let you go."
He sighs deeply and says "Unbereaveable."
-----------------------------------
note: be·reave /biˈrēv/: Be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, esp. due to the loved one's death: "the year after they had been bereaved".
3 CIA Agents are Asked to Take on an Important Mission
Three CIA agents are asked to take on an important mission. They need to know that these spies will do whatever they say. So they capture each spies significant other, tie them up and prepare three guns, loaded with blanks.
They bring the first spy in, give him a gun a tell him his wife is in the other room and he has to kill her. The man outright refuses them and says he won't do it. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves.
They bring the second spy in, they also tell him he has to kill his wife. The man goes into the room with his wife, holding the gun in his hand, and comes out after five minutes, crying. "I can't bring myself to do it, I tried, I really did, but I just can't do it." He says. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves.
The third spy comes in and they tell her that her husband is t**... in the next room and she has to kill him. They hand her the gun and she enters the room. There is a brief silence but then some sound of struggle, after a while the sounds stop and she exits the room.
"What happened in there?" They ask.
"The gun you gave me had blanks so I had to beat him to death with a chair."
Warm Milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail
nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Two blondes are playing chess
Two blondes are playing chess.
(The joke doesn't end here)
Blond 1: I'm bored of this, let's go do something else.
Blond 2: Yeah, you're right cause your rook and my bishop is all that's left on the board.
(The joke doesn't end here either)
A guy sees them playing and proposes them to play a match with him.
Both of them refuse, saying that he'll win easily.
The guy: You can both play together against me.
The girls: But we would still lose.
The guy:Okay I'll play using only my left hand.
The girls: Yup! That's seems fair enough, lets play.
(It still does not end here)
The blondes obviously lose and the guy leaves.
Blonde 1:That's pathetic! He beat us at chess with his left hand!
Blonde 2:He fooled us!
Blonde 1:How?
Blonde 2:He must be left-handed!
Hippie and the nun
One day, a hippie enters a bus and sits down beside a nun. He asks her if they want to have s**... but she declines saying: "Jesus is my master and he forbids me to have s**... with you."
The next day, the hippie asks her again but she refuses again. Before he leaves the bus, the busdriver holds him back and tells him that the nun prays every night at a certain church.
Dressed as Jesus the hippie goes to the church and sees the nun. He commanders her:"t**... clothes and have s**... with me, im Jesus your master." The nun does so and after 5 minutes of wild s**... the hippie takes of his costume:" Hahaha nun it's me, the hippie!"
After that, the nun takes off her costume and says:" Hahaha it's me the busdriver"
A Frog goes into a bank to get a loan
He approaches the woman at the loan application desk and notes that her name tag reads: Patty Whack. The Frog says, "Excuse me, I'd like to apply for a loan." The woman, very surprised that a talking frog was in her bank immediately refuses, saying, "We only work with humans, no animals can get loans here....besides, you don't have any collateral." The Frog hurriedly pulls a little troll doll out of his pocket. "Yes I do! Take my Troll. She means the world to me." At this point the woman is upset and goes to the bank's President. "Sir, there is a frog outside trying to get a loan from us. He won't leave and he says this troll doll is enough collateral!" The President takes the doll, looks it over very carefully and says, "IT'S A KNICK KNACK, PATTY WHACK! NOW GIVE THE FROG A LOAN!"
My friend went to Amsterdam..
My friend is Lebanese.
While walking through the red light district,
he wanders into the first house he sees.
He says, "I'll give you $200,but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The p**... refuses and so he leaves.
He walks up to the next house on the block and goes in.
"I'll give you $200, but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The second p**... refuses and kicks him out as well.
So he walks up to the final house on the block and goes in.
"I'll give you $300, but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The p**... agrees and they bang it out,
after the p**... turns to him and says,
"I don't mean to be rude but, that was pretty average. What makes it Lebanese though?"
My friend replies, "Pay you next time".
A farmer and his family are approached by a government worker.
A government worker comes by the farm and tells the farmer that the government has now decided to improve its agriculture and will now reward all the farmers in the country with a mill to be built at no cost to them. The farmer refuses and politely asks the man to leave his property. The worker insists that the farmer allow the government to build him a complimentary mill, stating that no harm will come from this. The farmer again asks the man to leave and left with no choice, he does. The farmer's wife and son ask him "Why didn't you accept the offer?" and the farmer responds back "There's no such thing as a free mill."
The Irish Nun and warm milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
A man wants to prove there is a God.
While there is a flood, a man wants to prove there is a god. When the water is down to his knees, a rescue boat arrives. He refuses to leave in it and says "God will save me." When the water is to his chest, another boat arrives, to which he says the same thing. When the water is at his chin, a helicopter arrives, but he denies it again, so he drowns. When he ascends up to heaven, he confronts God and says, "Why didn't you save me?" To which God replies, "What do you mean? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
3 men were in a contest...
Three men were in a contest to find out which of them is the most hardheaded.
The first man is called to the stage and sees a jackhammer. He proceeds to use the jackhammer on his head, miraculously ending up unharmed. The audience is silenced and so are the other two men.
The second man, not wanting to be beaten, prepared a stack of bricks and told everyone he was going to smash the bricks with his head. Surprisingly enough, he was able to do it and leave the bricks into bits and pieces, while staying safe and uninjured.
The last man, who apparently didn't know what to do to beat his competitors, was called next into the stage. Still unsure with what he was gonna do, he refused to enter. They called him again, but still to no avail.
Everyone fell silent and the third man was proclaimed as the winner.
The other two competitors complained because he did nothing.
"WELL, he is the MOST HARDHEADED"
A Jew is stuck in a well.
A Jew is stuck in a well. Three men pass by at different times and notice this.
The first one, a Christian, says, "Hey! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses, and the perplexed Christian man leaves.
The second one, a Hindu, says, "You seem to be in trouble! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses again, and the Hindu man is annoyed and confused, so he leaves without another word.
Then, a Muslim man arrives and says, "Take my hand!", and the Jew accepts.
A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...
A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark" says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. "What's on top of a house?" asks the man. "Roof" says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. "What's the best baseball player of all time?" "Ruth" The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, "Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?"
A man was drowning in a river
...a boat comes and asks of he needs any help.
He responds, "No, god will save me."
The boat leaves and another one comes by asking the same thing.
The man declines again and says, "No, God will save me."
The man drowns and goes to heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies, "I sent you two boats and you refused..."
A few guys are drinking at a bar.
A few guys are drinking at a bar when a drunk guy walks in, staggers up to them, and then points to one of them, shouting "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone is expecting a fight, but the guy he pointed at ignores him, so the drunk leaves and goes to the other side of the bar.
Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and says, "I just did your mom, and man, was it hot!" The guy again refuses to fight, so the drunk wanders off again.
Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy responds. "Go home Dad, you're drunk."
Five years and she was leaving.
The dough was walking down the steps with her packed bag refusing to look back. The baker wanted to know what it was he had to say, but there were no words for him to find there. He reached a hand out at the air behind her and whispered, "Please, I knead you."
A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...
After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.
Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.
The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.
The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:
Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.
The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:
Ran out of soup again?
Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.
A man is laying on his death bed, with his wife next to him
He tells his wife
"Honey, you have always been there for me. When I got in that terrible car accident and lost my leg, you were right there by my side. When my business failed, you were still right there by my side. Even last week, when the Dr gave me the terrible news, you were by my side and refused to leave. I don't know how to say this honey, but I'm starting to think you are bad luck."
A man and a woman had been arguing over who should make the coffee.
This discussion went on for quite some time, with both parties refuse to budge.
The woman then says "I don't have to make the coffee because the bible says so."
To which the man responds " yeah ok, there is nothing in the bible about coffee!"
The woman, flustered, gets up from her seat and leaves the room.
She returns moments later with an open bible, sifting through the pages.
The man rolls his eyes.
"Here it is!" The woman exclaims, " a whole section about it! Right at the top of the page! It says, 'He brews'"
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?
A Mexican Immigrant Wants to Cross the Border
There is a guard waiting at the border, who tells hi to go home, as he is not allowed to pass. The Mexican man refuses to leave so he sits beside the guard for over 4 hours. The guard, who has given up, tells the man that if he can use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence, he can pass. Confident that the Immigrant doesn't know much English, they agree to these terms. The Mexican man says, Easy. I am at home. The phone goes 'green, green, green'! So I pink it up, and I say 'yellow'?
Panda's Day Out
A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.
After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a p**... and shoots him. The waiter dies on the spot and the panda runs away.
The police are called and owner explains the situation. But the police refuse to investigate. When the puzzled owner enquires why, the police just show a dictionary. It says,
"*Panda: A type of bear that eats shoots and leaves*"
Teenage boys
Two teenage boys go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits having s**... with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, 'It wasn't Mary Jones, was it?' The boy says 'No, Father it wasn't'. The priest asks' 'Was it Angela Brown?'. The boy replies 'No, Father. it wasn't. 'It wasn't Jane Carter by any chance?' The boy says 'No father it wasn't' The priest gives up and says 'Well for your penance say fifty Hail Mary's and leave half your pocket money in the poor box.' When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. He replies 'Not bad, a $5 fine and three great leads!'