Refer Jokes

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

Bareknuckle boxing is a little less manly...

...when you refer to it as "t**... f**...".
-&y
(again, tis written by me!)

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

you do not talk about, name, hint at, refer to, discuss, or mention Thesaurus Club.

How do you refer to a necessary bear?

Pandatory.
s**..., I know.

The referee

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.
I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

Why did the referee blow his whistle at the l**... hockey game?

There was a face off at centre ice.

The referees from the Cowboys/Lions game have reviewed the footage aaand...

It looks like President Kennedy is going to be alright!

Doctors are funny !

A doctor was talking with his shrink. He was feeling guilty about having s**... with his one of his patients.
I know these things happen but I just can't get it out of my mind. What do you think I can do ?
The psychiatrist looked at him intently and said Maybe you should refer your patient to another vet.

Why do they refer to network ports as female?

Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.

What is the proper title to refer to a Liberal Arts Major.

Esquire.

Referees at the Lions-Seahawks Game

Political correctness gone mad.

I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.
Apparently it's my "daughter."

I don't like referencing

not et al.

How does one refer to intentionally harming the national bird of the U.S?

It's an ill-eagle activity

George Bush and his son like to refer to each other as "41" and "43."

I don't know why they'd be so proud of IQ's that low.

Why do people refer to money as "dough"?

Because you knead it.

If a person with split personality disorder falls in love with someone

Do they refer to them as their better third?

I hate it when...

people refer to themselves as animal containers.
and yes I'm a hippo crate.

What do Wesson and k**... have in common?

Despite it being technically accurate, they'd both prefer you not refer to their products as "r**... oil"

I have 10 sons and 2 daughters, and I gave the same name to all of them, Jamie...

...It's quite practical, she said, if I need to wake them up I just shout "wake up Jamie!". If I need them to eat I just say "Jamie! Dear, dinner is ready!". They all obey simultaneously.
The interviewer asks "So how do you refer to them when you need to speak to one of them specifically?"
Easy - she replied - I call them by their lastname!

In a way, I'm happy that Brexit happened.

Now I don't need to correct people when they refer to the UK as England.

Kim Jong Un has become so fat

We now refer to him as Kim Jong Deux.

Referenced my previous girlfriend in an academic paper

It was very ex-citing

LifeProTip: If your child wants to help name your pet...

..let them pick the middle name. That way if they pick something silly, you can still refer to your pet by the normal name. For example, my 4 year old's rabbit is now named
Peter "floppy-eared-princess" Smith
Similarly, my 15 year old's gecko is named
Freddy "f**...-you-this-isn't-a-phase" Smith

TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation.

I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.

Why will all of the referees check their voicemail immediately after the Super Bowl?

So they can hear someone say "no missed calls"

'Educational' refers to the process, not the object.

Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

What do the Italians refer to the speaker of their church as?

The pasta.

How does a buffalo refer to its bisexual male offspring?

Bi-son

Since chipotle charges like a $1.30 for guacamole...

I wonder if In their bussiness meetings, if they refer to their guac profits as
Avacadough

I have a special, affectionate term I use to refer to my mother. I'll tell you guys, but it's a secret...

So mum's the word.

jim

I've decided to no longer refer to the bathroom as "the john". Instead I will call it "the jim". That way, I can say in all honesty that I went to the jim this morning.

How did the referee declare Aaron Hernandez dead?

"After review, the receiver did not get two feet down."

Is it only me or?

is there any other pronoun used by a speaker to refer to himself or herself as the object of a verb or preposition?

why does the mafia always refer to money as cheddar

brie cause its gouda

What do a DND player and a gangster have in common?

They both refer to their freinds as those they 'roll with'

Why do you refer to a priest as "Father"?

He stopped wanting you to call him daddy after you turned 10.

Referencing Dinosaurs

I asked her if my referencing of dinosaurs in every sentence was ruining our relationship.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but her silence said everything.

What term does a vegetable who is into b**... use to refer to what he's into?

The Art-of-Choke

Do cannibals refer to...

Homeless people as Free Range ?

I was engaged before

It didn't work out so now i just refer to her as a near miss

Remember when you could refer to your knees as left and right...

instead of good and bad? Ah, good times

After Jesus was executed, the Romans placed coins over his eyes...

Today we refer to them as J.C. Pennies

"I went to the museum of death a few weeks back."

"It's not polite to refer to memorial museums as that."

What term do you use to refer to a Korean's brothers/sisters?

Next of Kim

the woke kids no longer call refer to "butterflies"

now it's "late stage caterpillism"

My friend Colin had this weird addiction. He'd take h**... whenever people didn't refer to him as a woman.

##
Now he's Coleen.

How do you refer to a vertically challenged keyboard player?

A micro-pianist.

How to cannibals refer to parapalegics?

Meals on wheels.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

My neighbors all refer to me as The Lawnmower Whisperer.

Talking with lawnmowers is quite simple, actually. All you have to do is say, ¿Hola, cómo estás, Juan?

I like to refer to my family as "the police"...

because they only show up when there's a problem, make it worse, and usually take money from me.

I refer to my ex girlfriend as Sylvester Stallone

She has a rocky past

So my coworkers and I were sent to "sensitivity training"

The lady running it said, "you have to use the right words to refer to people, because you don't want to offend them. Instead of 'policeman', say 'police officer'. Instead of 'fireman' say 'firefighter'. Don't say 'chairman', say 'chairperson'."
"Um, excuse me," I said, "I think they prefer to be called people with disabilities'."

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

Some refer to the Battle of Little Bighorn as a fiasco, or even a "SNAFU"...

But I think it's best described as a "Custerfuck".

Surimi must have the lowest self-esteem of all fish.

Nobody would dare eat them unless you refer to them as "imitation crab."

Just saw an ape and a monkey debating what the correct way to refer to them is.

I think they're just arguing simiantics.

I keep seeing references to F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I don't know who this Scott Fitzgerald fellow is but he sure angered a lot of people.

She hates when I refer to her as my ex-fiancee

She prefers to be called "my wife."

I wonder if flat earthers refer to people who think the world is round as...

'Circle Jerks.'

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

Here's a really easy way to figure out if you're taking too many meds:

You refer to your medication as 'meds'

Some surnames are professions, like Smith. Some refer to ancestors, like Johnson.

Thing is, I've never met a Dickin before.

What did the referee do when the touchdown was made?

# lol

Why do we refer to problems as pickles?

Because they're Dill-emmas!

Pierre never liked it when I called him my step dad...

So I now refer to him as my Faux Pas.

July in Honolulu

July in Honolulu is a tough time flower-wise for making garlands. Often they run out of the desired plumerias, carnations, and orchids. When that happens, they have to make substitutions, which is why the Hawaiians refer to July's garlands as the Daisy Leis of Summer

I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.

I went back in time to become the first person to say the glass was half full.

You can refer to me as "optimist prime."

Mr. Tom was teaching his class about abstract nouns.

He explained how abstract nouns refer to something you can think of, but can't touch. He then asked a student sitting at the back of the class for an example.
*"My father's Cadillac."*

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

Why was the referee banned from the arena?

For their foul language.

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.
Dozen it seem weird?

It's hard to figure out a politically correct term to refer to a gender reveal party, without referring to the baby's binary gender.

In retrospect though, sending out invites to my "Baby s**... Party" probably wasn't a good idea