Redneck Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

Yet another redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...

"My mom just told me I'm adopted"

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

How did the redneck find his sister in the tall grass?

Quite satisfying

Two rednecks are having a beer together...

One redneck asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other redneck responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."

Why do rednecks love sandwiches?

Because they're inbred too.

What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump-kin.

Two reasons why it's hard to solve a Redneck murder

1. The DNA all matches
2. There are no dental records

What do you get when 32 rednecks enter the same room?

A full set of teeth.

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

Reintarnation.

What do you call it when a redneck comes back from the dead?

Reintarnation

Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl?

You don't turn your back on family.

How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass

Satisfying

If a redneck dies in battle....

Does he go to y'allhalla?

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

Someone is losing a trailer.

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

What does NASCAR stand for?

Non-athletic-sport-centered-around-rednecks

Why are redneck murders so difficult to solve?

There are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

What do you call a redneck virgin?

A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.

Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

A redneck broke up with his girlfriend

it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.

Why are Redneck murder victims so hard to identify?

There are no dental records...

why can't you solve a redneck crime

because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

What does a redneck do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

How did NASCAR get that name?

Redneck: 'That's nascar ye got there."

What do you call it when you die and come back as a redneck?

Reintarnation

A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin

He walks up to the host and says table for two please

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

All the bloods the same and there are no dental records

What do you have when you get 32 rednecks in a line?

A full set of teeth

Redneck Logic Joke

Two rednecks, Hunter and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the Cooter asked.

The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.

"That's real good!" said Cooter.

The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, Cooter said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

Cooter was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

Cooter, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied Cooter.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked Cooter.

"No," Hunter replied.

"Then you're gay."

how do you know you are a real redneck?

you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.



They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.


Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.


After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"


Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

So this redneck in New York is getting mugged...

and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the redneck. "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"

Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.

"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."

Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."

"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a VIRGIN."

At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."

Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"

"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu

For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.

" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

What's the last thing you hear before a redneck dies?

"Hey ya'll watch this"

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

A redneck family was visiting the city...

...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."

A story about a Redneck and a Game Warden.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?

By taste.

Who said rednecks aren't real smart?

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.


The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Why can't redneck murder mysteries be solved?

Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

How do you know if a redneck girl is a virgin?

If she can run faster than her brothers.

How did the redneck find the goat in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

How do you circumcise a red-neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister's chin.

What is a Redneck virgin?

A 7-year-old that can run faster than her brothers!

A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."

A week later, the doctor went to the redneck house to check on him. The doctor found him around a pool in the back of his trailer. The doctor asked "What are you doing here?". Redneck answered "Oh hi mister doctor, I'm just teachin ma cow to swim."

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a redneck!"

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

Did you hear about the redneck magician?

He turns a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

Why are redneck murder victims so hard to identify?

Everybody's DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

Where y'all from?

A redneck is walking on the beach.
He comes across two beautiful college girls.
The redneck says, "Hey, where y'all from?"
The two girls reply, "Yale."
The redneck then yells, "HEY, WHERE Y'ALL FROM!?"

What did the redneck say to his ex?

"Can we still be cousins?"

There's a poem contest in South Carolina.

It's down to two contestants...one Harvard grad and one old redneck from the Low Country. They each have 5 minutes to come up with a poem, but they have to use the word "Timbuktu" in the poem to win. The Harvard grad goes first.

"Swiftly cross the desert sands,
Strode a lonely caravan.
One by one on camels drew,
Destination: Timbuktu."

The crowd goes crazy, thinking there's no way the redneck can top that. He walks to the mic, spits out his wad of tabacco, ponders a second and says:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

It was the finals of a poetry competition

The finalists: An English Professor and A Redneck. The judge says, Here is your task. Write a 4 line poem that ends with the word Timbuktu

The English prof goes first on stage. His poem:


Slowly across the desert sand

Ran a dusty caravan

Men in camels, two by two,

Destination: Timbuktu.

The crowd bursts into applause. Not to be deterred, the Redneck gets up and says,

Tim and I a-hunting went,

Met three whores in a pick-up tent,

They were three, and we were two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

I asked my redneck friend what he thought of the Trans-Pacific Partnership

He said that as long as they don't marry, then he's okay with it.

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a bigger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it would cost $1,000.

Not being able to afford the procedure, the doctor recommended he go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me - I don't want to go deaf! To which the doctor replies, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand, 6, 7...

Two rednecks

A redneck sees another carrying a bag, he stops him and says. Hey buddy what do you have in that bag? The other replies chickens, why? The first says, if i guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one? The redneck holding the bag of chickens says, if you guess how many chickens are in this bag ill give you both of them!

The poetry contest

There was a prestigious, international poetry contest held in a glamorous foreign city. Contestants had come from all over the world and by the end there was one man whom everyone thought was going to win and a camo-wearing, baccer-chewing redneck that everyone wondered what was doing there. In the final round of the competition, the contestants were given a word and had to come up with a poem in thirty seconds. During the very last round, the contestants stood at the podium and were given the word; Timbuktu.

The shoo-in went first. He thought for thirty seconds, then stepped up to the microphone and said:

"Across the desert, wind and sand,

Trekked the lonely caravan.

Men and camels, two by two,

Destination; Timbuktu."

The audience erupted with applause. When it died down, the redneck grinned and stepped to the microphone and without missing a beat he recited:

"Tim and me a-huntin' went.

Found three whores in a popped-up tent.

Them was three and us was two,

So I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

Redneck comes home to his girlfriend packing

she's gathering all her belongings and walking out the door. He says, "Honey, where ya going?!"

She says, "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. Everyone in town says you're a pedophile."

He replies, "*Pedophile*?! Well, that's a big word for a twelve-year-old."

Southern Gas Station Promotion

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry; no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."

A sack full of chickens

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight." The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

Why does the redneck not have a girlfriend?

He is an only child

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

What do a gang member and a redneck have in common?

They both know how to throw a good hoe down.

Why are redneck crimes so hard to solve...

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

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Not original, I heard it on satellite radio yesterday.

Why do rednecks hate math?

Integration.

What's the last thing a Redneck says before he dies?

Watch this!

How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

Pretty good.

What's the best part of a redneck brothel?

The family discount

Two rednecks are talking about their sex lives.

"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a threesome?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.

What are the funniest redneck jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Redneck? Well, here are the best Redneck puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Redneck pick up lines to share with friends.

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