recovery Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious recovery puns

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

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A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital...

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you!"

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My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

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Peeing Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets is in a bank, all of a sudden robbers walk in start shooting up the place, the woman is shot and gets rushed to the hospital.
After surgery and recovery the doctor comes in and tells her that a bullet got lodged in each fetus but they will be alright and the bullets will find their way out naturally in a few years.
14 years later one of the kids comes home, pale and scared to death, Mom asks what wrong and he says when he was at school, while peeing something came out of his penis, the mom explains everything and cools him down.
A couple of days later the second kid comes home with the same story and she explains everything to him as well.
Sometime later the third kid comes into the house scared to death and crying, Mom asks:"what's the matter honey ? did something weird happen when you were peeing? " and the kid responds:"No, I was jerking off in the yard and suddenly I shot the dog"
*

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Guy goes to a doctor...

A guy goes to a doctor and tells him, "I've been thinking about this a long time. I want to be castrated. This is important to me, and don't try to talk me out of it. I don't want any discussion. Just do it."

The doctor shrugs and agrees, and schedules him for surgery the next day.

The guy is laying in the recovery room afterwards with his knees up and an icepack where the work was done, and he looks over and sees another guy in the exact same recovery position. "Looks like we both got the same surgery."

The other guy nods, "Yeah, although I still feel silly getting circumcised--"

"THAT'S THE WORD!"

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A man loses his eye in a car accident

When he's in recovery, his doctor tells him he won't be able to regain his vision so he offers him his finest false eyes. However, due to the insurance cost and hospital bills, the man can only afford a wooden eye as a replacement.

After a few weeks of adjusting to the wooden eye, he's feeling pretty confident so he goes out to a bar. As he sits down to drink, he spies a beautiful woman with a large nose from across the bar.

With every ounce of courage he has he approaches the woman and says "would you like to go on a date with me?"

"Would I!?" Replies the woman excitedly.

"Big nose!" Shouts the man angrily and storms out of the bar.

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How do southerners speak of addiction recovery?

With drawl

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A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery..

But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said "I stand corrected".

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First Time

A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first sex change operation!"

Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him.

True story...LOL!

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A 54 year old woman had a heart atack.

She was taken to the hospital for surgery. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up yet?" God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live". Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, and changed her hair color. Finally she was released from the hospital. While crossing the road on her way home she was killed by a truck. Arriving in front of God in heaven she asked "You said I had another 34 years to live, why didn't you save me from the truck?" God said "I could not recognize you"

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A man goes to see his doctor......

And tells his doctor he wants to be casturated. The doctor looks at him and says, "Sir, you know this is a life altering surgery.". The guy replies, "I know doc, and I've been thinking of this for the last 5 yrs and you won't change my mind!". The doctor goes through with the surgery and the man is sent to recovery. Walking around the next day a bit bow legged given the operation, he meets another gentleman walking the same way. He says to him, "You must have just had the same operation I did.". The gentleman replied, "Yeah, after all these years I finally decided to get a circumsision.". The patient stares blankly and goes, "Fuck, that's the word."

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A man goes to his doctor for an annual checkup

"Doc, I feel great, my headaches are gone, my hearing is better and I can finally stand uo straight."

"That's good to hear, here your test results say that your body has miraculously improved. For a 50 year old man like you, you have the physical abilities of a 30 year old."

"Thanks doc."

"Tell me, how did you make such a recovery."

"My wife's been giving me the silent treatment for a month"

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A man summons his nurse in the recovery room

He pulls her close and asks Are my testicles black?
The nurse, is somewhat taken aback but lifts the bedsheets to check, moves some stuff around and says No.

A while later the nurse comes back in and is again asked can you please check and see if my testicles are black?
Again the nurse lifts the bedsheets and fumbles around a bid and reports that they are just fine and not to worry.

The man pulls her closer, clears his throat and repeats slowly I said please check and see if my test results are back!

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I was visiting my hometown and I drove past the data recovery center I used to work at.

It really brought back a lot of memories.

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I was revising an essay the other day...

when all of a sudden I deleted an entire sentence. I tried Ctrl+Z, document recovery, and everything, but eventually I gave it up as a lost clause.

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I am not fat

I'm just making a very successful recovery from anorexia.

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Colonoscopy

A man gets released from his first colonoscopy into the recovery room. His wife and doctor arrive bedside to discuss the results of his operation. Before the doctor can open his mouth, the wife says "Did you find his head?"

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Adam gets into a terrible car accident.

He wakes up in the hospital, and the doctor explains, "You went straight through the windshield, but you are going to make a full recovery. Part of your ribcage was broken and started putting pressure on your heart, so we carefully removed it while you were under." Adam thinks on this, then asks the Doctor, "So does this mean I get another wife?"

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Is the officer from the McKinney police video...

Applying for the role of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3? That recovery off the tuck and roll was impeccable.

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I just had a scoliosis correction surgery

When I woke up, the doctor said "well, now that we've got that all straightened out, we can focus on recovery"

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It's not that I'm illiterate

It's that I used to be hooked on phonics and recovery is a process.

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Humour in grammar

An intelligent cynical physician is responsible for an almost miraculous recovery of his patient from a coma. Recognising his doc's role in his well-being, the patient invites his saviour to his wedding. Ever contemptuous of marriage, the physician types in his report, "Patient punctuated sturdy progress from coma with a full stop"

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The joking doctor

A husband and wife are in a terrible car accident, the husband comes to in his hospital bed as the doctor approaches..

The doctor says " well, I've got some good news and some bad news, the good news is that other than a few broken bones, you will make a full recovery."

The husband says"what's the bad news doc?"

The doctor says" its your wife, she gonna be a vegetable, you're gonna have to feed her, wipe her ass and administer medicine via IV for the next twenty years or whenever she dies of the injuries"

The husband, shocked says" is there anything else?"

The doctor says "nah...I'm just fucking with you, she's dead!"

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So they successfully transplanted a woman's vagina onto a dog..

Wishing Paula Deen the best of luck in her recovery.

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Why is diabetes like a fumble recovery?

Because you didn't know they had it.

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Amy Schumer hospitalized for severe kidney infection.

Vet says she'll make a full recovery.

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Friend of mine was shot at the bakery today, he is expected to make a full recovery.

They say he was lucky it just glazed him, donut who did it but the cops are there.

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What did Doc McStuffins say to the Roadrunner?

"Have a speedy Recovery"

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The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

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Old people, fall asleep in the recovery position

It will save the paramedics vital minutes.

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What are the most funny Recovery jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Recovery? Well, here are the best Recovery dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Recovery pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes