Recovering Jokes
68 recovering jokes and hilarious recovering puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about recovering that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Recovering Short Jokes
Short recovering jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The recovering humour may include short rehab jokes also.
- I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID. But, no one else would get it.
- "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
- Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work don't worry, he's fully recovered
- I have a friend that's a recovering kleptomaniac anytime his symptoms start acting up, he takes something.
- Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident… but I'm now recovering, I'm all right now.
- Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together... but they couldn't get past the first two bars.
- My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday…. Don't worry she's recovered
- I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better. And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.
- I'm currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina. But to keep it short, I just tell people I'm in the NCAA.
- My dad died 10 years ago. It was hard to recover at first, but it doesn't hit me like he used to.
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Recovering One Liners
Which recovering one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with recovering? I can suggest the ones about grieving and receding.
- $2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day All eight books were recovered.
- Mario is a recovering alcoholic... haunted by the thought of Boos.
- My dad fell into an upholstery machine last week. He's fully recovered now.
- How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed? Rein-tarnation.
- I'm currently a recovering alcoholic... But I prefer the term "hungover."
- Plane crashed in graveyard Police recovered 2000 bodies.
- A helicopter crashes in a graveyard... the police recovered 300 bodies.
- Chuck Norris has died. He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
- My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night But I will recover.
- My upholstery business failed. I'm still trying to recover.
- As a recovering soap addict, It's been pretty hard to stay clean.
- What does a lawyer and a recovering alcoholic both do? Pass the bar
- My father is a recovering alcoholic. I've never seen him this hungover.
- I hate being a recovered kleptomaniac I can't take it any more
- A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun. He's okay. He's recovered now.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Recovering Jokes
What funny jokes about recovering you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rescue jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make recovering pranks.
Did you hear about the airplane that crashed into a cemetery?
They recovered 12,000 bodies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are in a car c**...
They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Helicopter c**...
A helicopter crashed today over a cemetery on the outskirts of the city. So far the authorities have recovered over 200 bodies.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve, one to change it and the other eleven to start a support group called "recovering from the darkness"
Tragedy in Eastern Canada
Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breaking news: A helicopter has c**... landed into a cemetery in Ireland
The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.
Breaking news
This morning saw what will probably become the worst air disaster in the Midwest. An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm, Wisconsin. So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that number to climb.
Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today...
...when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery there early this morning.
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
I had a terrible accident a while ago and fell into an upholstery machine.
I'm fully recovered now...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...
All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.
They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just before we start, some c**t put a swimming cap on me"
*Edit, spelling mistake
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...
"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mike Tyson recently recovered from a m**... overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.
When asked about the full story, he responded with,
"I was really methed up at the time"
A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor
A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.
The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a medical miracle
A man is recovering from surgery after a car c**..., and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice
Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?
Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn't able to walk for 11 months after it
After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.
After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..
"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.
"It may be time to take away her life support."
Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..
"Did someone mention takeaway?"
While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...
...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?
No need to worry, he's fully recovered
Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?
Best place to get Soba.
2 men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!
The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...
So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy and a girl get a flat tire one cold winter's night.
The guy goes out to change the tire, but he has no gloves, and after a while, his hands start to get blue, so he comes back into the car.
Put your hands between my thighs and that'll warm them up, invites the girl. He does, and pretty soon his hands recover, and he goes back outside. After a while longer, his hands get cold again, and once again, she suggests that he warm them between her thighs. He does so and returns to finish putting on the spare. When he comes back into the car triumphant, she looks at him and asks, Aren't your ears cold?
The police called to tell me they recovered my stolen sofa
I was very happy, because I just wanted them to find it.
Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving
A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."
A tech company gets a new CTO...
She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.
Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long work week, and Fridays we won't work, we'll need to get ready for the weekend.
A senior programmer in the back raises his hand and says hey, I'm not sure I understand... Does this mean we have to start working on Wednesdays?
Doctor...
Doctor #1: How is the patient who fell into the upholstery machine?
Doctor #2: He's fully recovered.
