Record Jokes
151 record jokes and hilarious record puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about record that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a way to keep yourself entertained? Check out this article and learn how to record jokes on record players. From record producers to medical records, we cover all the essential information you'll need to know. You can even learn how to organize your records and create World Records, Guinness World Records, and championships!
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Funniest Record Short Jokes
Short record jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The record humour may include short track jokes also.
- I was applying for australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record? I said, No. Is that still required?
- CSI Alabama was a failure . . . . . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
- My brother just broke the record by downing 22 Russian jets in Ukraine He'll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Russian Air Force
- I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself, "This doesn't sound like wasps." I was right. I was playing the B-side.
- I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record. Didn't know you still need it.
- My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
- king Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records: The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
- A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The british man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more." - Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...
- What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key!
This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.
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Record One Liners
Which record one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with record? I can suggest the ones about album and video.
- Aaron Hernandez set a new nfl record Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt
- I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today But the needle kept getting stuck
- My new record in a 100 m sprint Is 52 meters.
- I don't have a Police record, but I do have a Sting CD.
- Hello, this is Seaworld... your call may be recorded for training porpoises
- People are usually shocked that I have a police record. But I love their Greatest hits !
- Planes have an absolutely perfect record. We've never left one up there.
- Do you know which president has the cleanest record Lincoln, he was in a cent
- What did the Mexican say when he left the recording studio? Audios.
- Mayweather still has a perfect record At least until he's convicted
- Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing. HeHe
- I just set my new dead lifting record. 3 corpses.
- Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team? It's a Thai
- Have you heard about the record-setting farmer...? He's outstanding in his field
- Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me My record is 21 feet.
World Record Jokes
Here is a list of funny world record jokes and even better world record puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the guy who went for the world fapping record? He almost pulled it off.
- How did the summer solstice break a world record? It went the longest day without taking a nap!
- A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.
- I know someone who's an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record. He was just shy.
- Maybe the ChatGPT servers are just trying to break the world record for longest online conversation.
- Germany sets a new record in the world cups. They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.
- Do you know who holds the world record for time spent in a cave? It turns out it's actually a Thai
- What is the world record for the most Chinese food eaten in one sitting? Roughly wonton.
- Remember the two friends who got the world record for longest staring contest? Yeah? Well turns out they aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.
- My friend told me he holds a world record in quilt making I suspect his whole story is fabricated.
Holds Record Jokes
Here is a list of funny holds record jokes and even better holds record puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know that America holds the record for the worlds largest cup of tea? Its about the size of the Boston harbor.
- Chuck Norris doesn't hold any world records, he broke them all.
- I hold the world record for procrastination. I can show you later if you want.
- Who holds the record for most saves at Yankee Stadium? Billy Graham
- The Chuckle Brothers hold the record for the World's biggest sheep They've got a 2 metre ewe.
- September: I had one of the worst hurricane months on record and Hugh Hefner died. October: Hold my beer
- Spencer Chamberlain holds the Guinness record for longest scream at 17 seconds, with the song "Given Up." He was awarded posthumously.
- Chuck Norris once gave a man the Hiemlich Manuever.
That man still holds the record for most bones broken. - I've just broken the British record for holding your breath underwater - 8 minutes 42 seconds. It all started when a little girl in the swimming pool shouted "That's him, Daddy, over there!"
- An old fisherman was ask to comment on his record holding catch. He said it was Reely Difficult .
Record Player Jokes
Here is a list of funny record player jokes and even better record player puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the accordion player get thrown out of the band? They found out they could save space and sound better by using a recording instead.
- This girl just spilt ice all over my record player. I played it cool.
- What do you call a fake record player? A phonygraph
- What do you call a cow that has a record player, tight pants, and thick brimmed glasses? A hip-steer.
- You ever hear an audiobook on a record player? It's really page turning
- After finally fixing my record players, It's funny how the tables turn.
- People hate me for buying a record player... But I think it was a sound investment
- How do you return a bad record player? Angrily...
No, scratch that.
Crossly. - What does a record player do online? Looks at phonography
- What do you call it when a black person talks into a record player? Criminal Records.
Record Album Jokes
Here is a list of funny record album jokes and even better record album puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They just released the longest album ever It's a new record
- A rapper made an album while in prison. But everyone who bought it was jailed. Why? Because they had a criminal record.
- Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album? Yeah, it was a world record.
- The Eagles held the record for bestselling album of all time. That was until Micheal Jackson beat it..
- I tried getting into Guinness World record by smashing up music albums I broke a lot of records
*ba dum tis* - Do I have a police record? No... but I have two of their albums on tape.
- Everyone thought Kim Jung Un was in a vegetative state, but actually he was in the studio recording his acoustic album Kim Jung Unplugged.
- I smashed a thousand albums yesterday... I think I broke a record.
- Where Does Phil Collins Record His Albums? In the stu\-stu\-studio.
Reaction to this could go either way. I am ready. - I was record shopping the other day in a hot store with broken A/C... Thought I saw an Oasis album, but it was just a mirage.
Record Management Jokes
Here is a list of funny record management jokes and even better record management puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. They can't actually do it. But they can record what percentage is complete.
- How did the squid manage to join a football team? It has got a track record for pulling off some of the top ten tackles.
- I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records. I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...
- The Puzzle - I beat a record.
- Oh , what?
- I managed to do a puzzle in 15 days
on which he had written " from 3 to 5 years."
Witty Record Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about record you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean playlist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make record pranks.
A man from the Census Bureau knocks on an apartment door in the projects
A black woman answers the door and the man asks, "Excuse me, Ma'am, how many people live here?"
The woman replies, "Me and my 12 children".
"Wow" the man exclaims, "I had better go get an extra record sheet so I can write down all of their names".
"No, you won't need to" she says, "I named them all Leeroy".
The man stops for a second with a puzzled look on his face. "But Ma'am, how do you call them each to dinner?"
"I just yell 'Leeroy, time for dinner!' and they all come".
"But then how do you get them to go to bed?"
"Same thing. I just yell 'Leeroy, time for bed!' and they all get to bed".
"So what do you do when you want to speak to them one on one?"
"That's easy, I just call them by their last name."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After record breaking single day sales at Chic-Fil-a amid the same s**... controversy
today CEO of Jack in the Box Ted Fuller said he "hates Jews and Mexicans."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu
For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.
" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a r**... from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the r**... top that, they thought. The r**... calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The r**... won hands down!
I went into my local record store recently...
and asked the clerk "do you have anything by The Doors?", and he replied, "just the fire extinguisher".
How do birds record their songs ?
On duck tape !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do record collectors have bad s**... lives?
They're always complaining about the 10" they don't have.
A misunderstanding
A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the l**... going for the m**... world record?
Eventually he pulled it off!
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
I bought some vinyl cleaner, just for the record.
I only drink on special occasions...
Luckily for me, I just broke my record for consecutive days alive today
When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...
...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...
...she called me a riceist
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I m**... 8 times! A personal record for me...
In my defence Schindler's list was a long film
A blonde tells her friend
"I completed a jigsaw puzzle in record time!"
"No way! How long did it take you?" Replied her friend
"6 months"
"That cannot be a record time!'
" Well the box said from 1 to 3 years"
Sorry for bad English, original was in Spanish
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been training for the m**... world record.
I'm gonna beat it.
Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.
After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"
Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My s**... life is like my personal record for the number of days I've been alive
I beat it every day
If I kept a record of how many steps I walk every day in a file...
Would it be called a Pedofile?
So I recently went to Australia...
I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**..., my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,
for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.
I held the record for collecting Stephen King's books.
Then I lost It.
I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.
Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.
Hillary and Trump tie in the election...
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently attempted the world record for m**....
I nearly pulled it off
Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House…
After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just made love for over 1hr straight
1 hour and 22 seconds is my new record.
Thanks daylight savings time!
The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"
I replied, "But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"
She said, "Record it and watch it later."
You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod…
I've got a pretty long Police record....
It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"
My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.
His record is 20 years and still counting.
Quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding
It's a good thing frogs can swim
My dad and I play hide and seek all the time. My record was 3 hours until my dad found me.
His record is 20 years and still counting.
I don't get why record stores fail.
They have record sales every year
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
*later*
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been training for months to achieve the world record title of 'Furthest e**...'.
I can't believe how far I've come.
I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...
He even said it was a new record.
Last night I was driving home when I was pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record.
Apparently 'Roxanne' wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. My court date is in a couple of weeks.
So the Wolf of Wall Street has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute
That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record
Even in the afterlife, x**... is still beating women
A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"
The mother replies, "Like father like son"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Girlfriend thinks i can set a world record for m**...
Do you think I can pull it off?
My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.
That's a new low.
Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...
...he was a little hoarse.
Interview for Australian visa for first time mostly be like:
A : Do you have criminal record?
M: No, I didn't knew it's still required?
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
A man calls the National Security Agency...
Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?
Agent: No sir, we don't do that
Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her know I wasn't listening!
Agent: I'm sorry to hear that sir, but as I said, we don't listen to civilian conversations. However, you should:
1. Pick up a gallon of milk
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. 4 Macintosh apples
4. Help Sofia with her math homework
....
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together
Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.
"How'd you do?" she asks him.
"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"
"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11."
Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record
Yes, walking on the moon from 1979
When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection...
It will be my Vinyl resting place
An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia
Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"
British guy: "Is that still necessary?"
Darth Vader walks into a record store
Darth Vader walks into a record store and asks if they have a copy of George Michael's first studio album. The clerk says they are sold out, to which Vader responds - I find your lack of Faith disturbing!
Why couldn't the athlete listen to music?
Because she'd broken the record
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer
are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The Engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber b**... and finds its specifications.
A foreigner asked an Indian man
"Why Indian Women have Red
Dot on their forehead ?"
Indian man replied,
"Because they Record everything.."
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records…
nothing was alphabetized!
