Record Jokes

152 record jokes and hilarious record puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about record that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a way to keep yourself entertained? Check out this article and learn how to record jokes on record players. From record producers to medical records, we cover all the essential information you'll need to know. You can even learn how to organize your records and create World Records, Guinness World Records, and championships!

Funniest Record Short Jokes

Short record jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The record humour may include short track jokes also.

  1. I was applying for australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record? I said, No. Is that still required?
  2. CSI Alabama was a failure . . . . . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
  3. When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record… Confused, I replied, Oh, is that still required?
  4. My brother just broke the record by downing 22 Russian jets in Ukraine He'll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Russian Air Force
  5. I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself, "This doesn't sound like wasps." I was right. I was playing the B-side.
  6. I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record. Didn't know you still need it.
  7. My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
  8. king Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records: The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
  9. A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
    "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The british man replies
    "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
  10. My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2 He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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Record One Liners

Which record one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with record? I can suggest the ones about album and video.

  1. Aaron Hernandez set a new nfl record Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt
  2. I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today But the needle kept getting stuck
  3. My new record in a 100 m sprint Is 52 meters.
  4. I don't have a Police record, but I do have a Sting CD.
  5. Hello, this is Seaworld... your call may be recorded for training porpoises
  6. People are usually shocked that I have a police record. But I love their Greatest hits !
  7. Planes have an absolutely perfect record. We've never left one up there.
  8. Do you know which president has the cleanest record Lincoln, he was in a cent
  9. What did the Mexican say when he left the recording studio? Audios.
  10. Mayweather still has a perfect record At least until he's convicted
  11. Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing. HeHe
  12. What do you call an Asian guy with a video recorder? Phil Ming.
  13. I just set my new dead lifting record. 3 corpses.
  14. Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team? It's a Thai
  15. Have you heard about the record-setting farmer...? He's outstanding in his field

World Record Jokes

Here is a list of funny world record jokes and even better world record puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the guy who went for the world fapping record? He almost pulled it off.
  • Did you hear about the native American who tried to beat the world record for drinking the most tea? The next day he was found dead in his tea pee
  • How did the summer solstice break a world record? It went the longest day without taking a nap!
  • A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.
  • My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions. He lives very close, just a stone's throw away
  • I know someone who's an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record. He was just shy.
  • Maybe the ChatGPT servers are just trying to break the world record for longest online conversation.
  • Germany sets a new record in the world cups. They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.
  • I have a friend who is in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Concussions" He lives about a stones throw away.
  • Do you know who holds the world record for time spent in a cave? It turns out it's actually a Thai

Criminal Record Jokes

Here is a list of funny criminal record jokes and even better criminal record puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man is going through customs entering Australia The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
    The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"
  • I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record... ...she called me a riceist
  • A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?" "No" the man says. "Is that still required?"
  • When my employer asked if I had a criminal record... ...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
  • A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"
    he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"
  • What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman? Their criminal record.
  • A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
    "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The British man replies
    "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
  • A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks
    "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The man looks confused and replies
    "No, do I still need one?"
  • A British man arrives in Australia Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"
  • An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"
    British guy: "Is that still necessary?"
Record joke, An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Holds Record Jokes

Here is a list of funny holds record jokes and even better holds record puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII. Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
  • During WW2 my grandad downed over 35 German planes... He still holds the record as the worst mechanic in Luftwaffe history.
  • My friend told me he holds a world record in quilt making I suspect his whole story is fabricated.
  • There is a guy who lives in my town that holds the record for the most concussions by a human. He actually lives right near me, only a stone's throw away.
  • Did you know that America holds the record for the worlds largest cup of tea? Its about the size of the Boston harbor.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't hold any world records, he broke them all.
  • I hold the world record for procrastination. I can show you later if you want.
  • Who holds the record for most saves at Yankee Stadium? Billy Graham
  • The Chuckle Brothers hold the record for the World's biggest sheep They've got a 2 metre ewe.
  • September: I had one of the worst hurricane months on record and Hugh Hefner died. October: Hold my beer

Record Player Jokes

Here is a list of funny record player jokes and even better record player puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the accordion player get thrown out of the band? They found out they could save space and sound better by using a recording instead.
  • This girl just spilt ice all over my record player. I played it cool.
  • What do you call a fake record player? A phonygraph
  • What do you call a cow that has a record player, tight pants, and thick brimmed glasses? A hip-steer.
  • You ever hear an audiobook on a record player? It's really page turning
  • After finally fixing my record players, It's funny how the tables turn.
  • People hate me for buying a record player... But I think it was a sound investment
  • How do you return a bad record player? Angrily...
    No, scratch that.
  • What does a record player do online? Looks at phonography
  • What do you call it when a black person talks into a record player? Criminal Records.

Record Management Jokes

Here is a list of funny record management jokes and even better record management puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. They can't actually do it. But they can record what percentage is complete.
  • How did the squid manage to join a football team? It has got a track record for pulling off some of the top ten tackles.
  • I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records. I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...
  • I managed to engrave a song into a vinyl disk in under 2 minutes! I think that's a new record
  • The Puzzle - I beat a record.
    - Oh , what?
    - I managed to do a puzzle in 15 days
    on which he had written " from 3 to 5 years."
Record joke, The Puzzle

Witty Record Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about record you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean playlist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make record pranks.

A man from the Census Bureau knocks on an apartment door in the projects

A black woman answers the door and the man asks, "Excuse me, Ma'am, how many people live here?"
The woman replies, "Me and my 12 children".
"Wow" the man exclaims, "I had better go get an extra record sheet so I can write down all of their names".
"No, you won't need to" she says, "I named them all Leeroy".
The man stops for a second with a puzzled look on his face. "But Ma'am, how do you call them each to dinner?"
"I just yell 'Leeroy, time for dinner!' and they all come".
"But then how do you get them to go to bed?"
"Same thing. I just yell 'Leeroy, time for bed!' and they all get to bed".
"So what do you do when you want to speak to them one on one?"
"That's easy, I just call them by their last name."

After record breaking single day sales at Chic-Fil-a amid the same s**... controversy

today CEO of Jack in the Box Ted Fuller said he "hates Jews and Mexicans."

National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu

For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.
" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a r**... from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy! No way could the r**... top that, they thought. The r**... calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The r**... won hands down!

I went into my local record store recently...

and asked the clerk "do you have anything by The Doors?", and he replied, "just the fire extinguisher".

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

A misunderstanding

A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."

Did you hear about the l**... going for the m**... world record?

Eventually he pulled it off!

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

My neighbour has had a record 44 concussions.

He lives very close to me.
A stone's throw away in fact

Today I m**... 8 times! A personal record for me...

In my defence Schindler's list was a long film

A blonde tells her friend

"I completed a jigsaw puzzle in record time!"
"No way! How long did it take you?" Replied her friend
"6 months"
"That cannot be a record time!'
" Well the box said from 1 to 3 years"
Sorry for bad English, original was in Spanish

I've been training for the m**... world record.

I'm gonna beat it.

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"
Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".
Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

After s**..., my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one..

I think he needs Help.

Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".

I recently attempted the world record for m**....

I nearly pulled it off

I just made love for over 1hr straight

1 hour and 22 seconds is my new record.
Thanks daylight savings time!

The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"

I replied, "But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"
She said, "Record it and watch it later."
You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod…

I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

My dad and I play hide and seek all the time. My record was 3 hours until my dad found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

So the Wolf of Wall Street has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, x**... is still beating women

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11

A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"

The mother replies, "Like father like son"

My Girlfriend thinks i can set a world record for m**...

Do you think I can pull it off?

Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me

My record is 21 feet.

So my dad served in Iraq

Dad: son in Iraq I killed 15 people
Me: dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad: I never said I was good one
(just for record my dad didn't serve in Iraq)

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together

Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.
"How'd you do?" she asks him.
"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"
"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11."

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called 'Sound of Wasps'.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn't sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I'd been playing the Bee side.

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?
No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.
When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished'

Today I brought home a record I found at Goodwill. It was called "Sounds Wasps Make"...

I put it on my record player and thought, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps!" Then I realized I was playing the bee side.

They just released the longest album ever

It's a new record

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.
Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

A foreigner asked an Indian man

"Why Indian Women have Red
Dot on their forehead ?"
Indian man replied,
"Because they Record everything.."

The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.

I replied "No. Is that still required?"

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records…

nothing was alphabetized!

Record joke, I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records…

jokes about record