Recommend Jokes

One of my friends recommend circumcision

It wasn't all it was cut out to be

Three blondes and a brunette walk into a bar.

The blonde girls explain to the bartender that they've never ordered a shot before, and ask what he recommends. He decides on something exciting for their time with hard liquor, and pours them each a flaming shot. He then turns to the brunette, and asks what she'd like to drink.
"I'll just have a water, thanks."
"You their driver?"
"No, I'm not even with them. I just want to be able to remember this."

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

I took a job aptitude test and it didn't make for pleasant reading

I've no people or practical skills and am unable to use logic or reasoning.
It recommended that I become an internet moderator.

My friend gave me a new "magic" golf ball.

As long as you put to within 3 inches of the pin, the ball will always find its way to the hole.
He did not recommend I keep it in my back pocket.

I plan to watch some movie with girlfriend this evening. Can somebody recommend a girlfriend?

I would not recommend eating at the new Star Wars themed restaurant...

The burgers are chewy

Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend Listerine?

Because the other .1% is too busy out hunting lions

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

The EU has said that more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children.

May I recommend swimming lessons?

My dog had a tick once,

Someone recommended i try the "lighter fluid and match" trick, it definitely worked as my dog never got a tick again. But man, I sure do miss my dog.

5 out of 6 people would recommend it...

5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.

As per the doctor's recommendation, I have decided to rid my diet of trans fat.

Goodbye Tumblr!

I had to specify an IT system for the local anorexia clinic.

I recommended a thin client architecture.

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

I just saw a movie with Jonah hill and Michael cera.

I would not recommend. It was Superbad

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath?

He took 1/100th of the recommended dose.
(Sorry if it is a repost. I just heard it from a friend)

Do you sell a book "How to get rich in three months"?

Clerk: "Yes we do sir, can I recommend another book with that, other buyers have found it very useful?"
Guy: "Of course, I would gladly take a look, what is it?"
Clerk: "Penal Code - Commented edition"

An old man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem gas.

"It's non-stop," the man tells his doctor. "I just have this *constant* stream of silent gas pouring out of me. It might shock you to know that it's even been happening since I came into your office."
"OK," replies the doctor. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is a hearing test."

I walked up to the bar.

I said, "My date would like a drink. What would you recommend?"
He said, "Anything that helps her to get to know the real *you*, sir."
I rummaged around in my wallet and said, "Tap water it is, then."

A blonde joins a book club.

She goes along to the first meeting and it's her turn to share what she's been reading this week.
"Well, it took me a while to finish, but this was a brilliant read and I highly recommend it". She pulls out a bookmark and shows it to the group.
One of the members says, "Um... That's not a book"
"What are you talking about? Mark at the library gave me this when I asked him for a book!"

My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.

*Dear Diary,*
S*orry to bother you again.*

I want to recommend a book that helped me through my life.

My fathers cheque book is very useful.

I was planning a trip to Saudi Arabia

I was planning a trip to Saudi Arabia but recently have heard they now allow women to drive. Can anyone recommend a safer place to visit?

I can't eat Coleslaw, the flavor is too strong.

I wish they made Coleslaw, but that didn't taste as strong. "Cole's Guidelines and Recommendations" if you will.

I had my first taste of sobriety this week

It's an odd name for a beer, but it tastes really good. Highly recommend.

Did you know there's a way to go 7 days without sleeping and not feel tired?

Sleep at night.
It's a great trick I highly recommend it.

So, there I was buying cheese in a deli.

Me: what would you recommend?
Deli person: *describing cheeses*
Mozzarella is smooth and melts well.
Me: sounds good .
Deli person: cheddar is good for sandwiches if you're looking for a sharp tang.
Me: awesome, noted.
Deli person: Pepper Jack is like Monterey Jack cheese but has delicious pepper chunks in it.
Me: weird flecks, but ok!

I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

Wanna watch a movie with my girlfriend & need recommendations...

... on how to get a girlfriend.

Bill: I've just got back from a holiday in Poole. Ben: In Dorset?

Bill: I'd recommend it to anyone.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia

I haven't seen him since

Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.

People will be lined up for blocks.

What do you get if you cross a rottweiler and a hyena?

I dont know but I recommend you join in if it laughs.

Hey, I wanted to recommend this book to you full of terrible opinions from the least-informed people you can imagine.

Thanks, but I already Reddit.

Guys, I need a favor.

I want you to recommend me a present with a cost of 200 bucks to give to my girlfriend.
I also want you to find me a girlfriend to give her the present.
Last thing..
I need 200 bucks.

A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.

He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.
Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."
Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"

I saw a former vice present playing bass recommend to me on Youtube.

I think something was wrong with its Al Gore rhythm.

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

HR: "This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential."

Employee: "Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it."

I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist

He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheep.

The experts recommend putting a baby monitor in the nursery with your baby.

Turns out they don't mean the lizard.

Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?

They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.