Recommend Jokes

Why was 10 scared?

... because he was in the middle of 9-11!
Better phrasing recommendations appreciated :-)

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

I took a job aptitude test and it didn't make for pleasant reading

I've no people or practical skills and am unable to use logic or reasoning.
It recommended that I become an internet moderator.

My friend gave me a new "magic" golf ball.

As long as you put to within 3 inches of the pin, the ball will always find its way to the hole.
He did not recommend I keep it in my back pocket.

I plan to watch some movie with girlfriend this evening. Can somebody recommend a girlfriend?

I would not recommend eating at the new Star Wars themed restaurant...

The burgers are chewy

Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend Listerine?

Because the other .1% is too busy out hunting lions

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

So i went to my first fight club gathering

I arrived a little late, so i did not catch the first part, but i had a great time. I recommend it to everybody.

My dog had a tick once,

Someone recommended i try the "lighter fluid and match" trick, it definitely worked as my dog never got a tick again. But man, I sure do miss my dog.

My doctor recommended that I stay away from trans fats

I should stop using recipe from tumblr.

5 out of 6 people would recommend it...

5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.

I just got LASIK done and I highly recommend it to everyone thinking about it.

20/20, would do again.

For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie.

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

Usually, "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...

But I wouldn't recommend it at a f**....

As per the doctor's recommendation, I have decided to rid my diet of trans fat.

Goodbye Tumblr!

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with r**......

So he recommended his wife...

I just saw a movie with Jonah hill and Michael cera.

I would not recommend. It was Superbad

What kind of toothpaste do priests recommend?

o**...-B

Do you sell a book "How to get rich in three months"?

Clerk: "Yes we do sir, can I recommend another book with that, other buyers have found it very useful?"
Guy: "Of course, I would gladly take a look, what is it?"
Clerk: "Penal Code - Commented edition"

I've dedicated my life to find my wife's m**....

If you can recommend someone, let me know.

An old man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem gas.

"It's non-stop," the man tells his doctor. "I just have this *constant* stream of silent gas pouring out of me. It might shock you to know that it's even been happening since I came into your office."
"OK," replies the doctor. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is a hearing test."

Why did the doctor recommend that 7 eat 9?

Because he recommends 3 squared meals per day

I walked up to the bar.

I said, "My date would like a drink. What would you recommend?"
He said, "Anything that helps her to get to know the real *you*, sir."
I rummaged around in my wallet and said, "Tap water it is, then."

Anything recommended by a s**...

Comes highly recommended.

A blonde joins a book club.

She goes along to the first meeting and it's her turn to share what she's been reading this week.
"Well, it took me a while to finish, but this was a brilliant read and I highly recommend it". She pulls out a bookmark and shows it to the group.
One of the members says, "Um... That's not a book"
"What are you talking about? Mark at the library gave me this when I asked him for a book!"

My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.

*Dear Diary,*
S*orry to bother you again.*

I was planning a trip to Saudi Arabia

I was planning a trip to Saudi Arabia but recently have heard they now allow women to drive. Can anyone recommend a safer place to visit?

I can't eat Coleslaw, the flavor is too strong.

I wish they made Coleslaw, but that didn't taste as strong. "Cole's Guidelines and Recommendations" if you will.

A man goes to the doctor's.

And says, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
Doctor: "You keep thinking you're a moth!?!"
Man: "Yes, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
Doctor: "Well, I have to say, I'm a general practitioner. This is really a case for a psychiatrist. I know a good guy who I can recommend."
Man: "You know, it's funny you should say that doc, I was actually on my way to the psychiatrist...but I noticed your light was on."

Wanna watch a movie with my girlfriend & need recommendations...

... on how to get a girlfriend.

Bill: I've just got back from a holiday in Poole. Ben: In Dorset?

Bill: I'd recommend it to anyone.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.

People will be lined up for blocks.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and tells the bartender, I don't drink too often, so what would you recommend? Bartender says, I make a pretty good grasshopper. Guy replies, Cool, I'll have one. So the bartender whips it up, the guy drinks it, and heads out of the bar.
While walking to his car the guy notices a grasshopper on the sidewalk. Guy looks down and says, did you know they have a drink named after you in there?
Grasshopper says, they have a drink named Lenny?

Hey, I wanted to recommend this book to you full of terrible opinions from the least-informed people you can imagine.

Thanks, but I already Reddit.

Guys, I need a favor.

I want you to recommend me a present with a cost of 200 bucks to give to my girlfriend.
I also want you to find me a girlfriend to give her the present.
Last thing..
I need 200 bucks.

A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.

He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.
Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."
Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"

The CDC recommends that f**... gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

f**... proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"
He started counting... "uno....dos..."
And sure as s**... he disappeared without a Tres.

I asked her, "Do you spit or s**...?"

# She slapped me and stormed off!
### Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.

ADHD & Sleep Problems. Funny That You Asked!!

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...
1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. \*Old MacDonald had a farm\* and bingo was his name-o!

The doctor told me to rate my pain.

Apparently "zero stars, would not recommend" was the wrong answer.

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

HR: "This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential."

Employee: "Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it."

As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.

Apparently, they don't give a s**....

Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?

They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

Missed Orientation Class of Fight Club

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
Not mine and could be old but this will not age

Following his collapse on set of Better Call Saul, doctors recommend a double-bypass surgery for Bob Odenkirk

Oh, good news. The deal went through. It's a triple-bypass now.