recognized Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious recognized puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Unjustice In Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

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This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me

I said I never met herbivore

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club.

But I'd never met herbivore.

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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The Lawyer's dog

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

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A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

but I'd never met herbivore.

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This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club.

I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A woman once said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

But I'd never met herbivore.

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Two guys were playing golf

Two guys were playing golf, and they were annoyed because there were two women ahead of them playing very slowly. One of the guys decided to ask if they could play through. He walked over about halfway, they suddenly turned around very quickly and came back.


"That was close," he said. "One of those women is my wife, and the other one is my mistress! If they both recognized me, I'd have been in real trouble."


"Don't worry," the other guy said. "I'll go ask if we can play through."


He started over towards them, then he, too, suddenly turned back.
"Talk about your coincidences!"

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So a man was walking through a graveyard...

When he began hearing music coming from one of the graves. So he followed the sound and ended up at Beethoven's grave. Then he recognized the music, it was Beethoven's 9th but it was playing backwards! So the man called up his friend to come check it out and when the friend arrived Beethoven's 7th was playing, backwards as well. They called the caretaker and he arrived as Beethoven's 5th was playing and even he could not figure it out! They called doctors scientists and nobody could explain what was happening. Finally the music teacher arrived just as Beethoven's first was about to end and the crowd of people asked him what was happening. "That's easy!" The musician replied. "He's decomposing!"

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This chick came up to me and claimed she recognized me from a vegan meeting

but I'd never met herbivore

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Justice

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?

The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?

$7.98. said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave."

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

..but I'd never met herbivore.

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This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club.

I was confused. I never met herbivore.

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A plane crashes in a city, and a crowd gathers to identify the dead

There is a man facing the crowd, holding up body parts for identification. He raises an arm, and a woman in the crowd starts sobbing. She calls out that this was her husbands arm, she recognized the watch she bought for their anniversary. The man at the front holds up a leg, and a man cries out that this was his wife's leg, he recognizes the shoe. The man holds up a head, and a polish woman calls out, "he looks like my husband, but he wasn't that tall"

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Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club

But I'm sure I never met herbivore..

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A blonde goes to a electronics store...

and walks up to the sales associate and says, "I would like to buy the TV in the corner."

The associate says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes."

Furious, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair black. The next day, she returns to the store. She sees the same associate and says, "I would like to buy the TV in the corner."

He replies, "Sorry ma'am we don't serve blondes here."

Figuring the associate recognized her, the woman goes home and this time dyes her hair red. She returns to the store the following day. The previous associate isn't there and tells another associate, "I would like to purchase the TV in the corner."

The associate says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes here."

The blonde says, "You have never seen me before, how do you know I'm blonde?!"

He responds, "That is not a TV, it's a microwave!"

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An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...

When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"

The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."

The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"

"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."

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Ogden Nash and Robert Frost die and are facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter doesn't recognize them and asks for identification. They both respond that they are great poets from Earth and are surprised that they're not recognized. St. Peter challenges them - "If you're such great poets. let me hear you form a rhyme for "Timbuktu".

The poets think for a moment, then finally Robert Frost speaks first.

"With such little time, I can only come up with this....". He then continues.

"I walked along the sandy shore.
I listened to the ocean's roar.
A floating ship came into view
Her port of call was Timbuktu."

An impressed St. Peter allowed him access through the gates.

After a slight period of silence, Ogden Nash finally spoke up.

"Okay - this is also rushed, but here goes...."

"Tim and I, a hiking went,
We spied three ladies in a tent.
Since they were three and we were two
I bucked one, and Tim bucked two."

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Boy visits grandpa

...in the small town where grandpa has lived his whole life. Grandpa is taking him across the lake in a row boat, and points out a tall tower in the distance. Grandpa says, "see that tower? I built that tower! I laid every brick, and today it remains the tallest tower in the town and it's recognized as a historical landmark. But do they call me John the tower builder? No."
He keeps rowing, and points out a bridge near the mouth of a stream flowing into the lake. "See that bride? I built that bridge! For 5 years, I gathered every stone from a 3 miles radius, and people depend on it everyday. But do they call me John the bridge builder? No."
He keeps rowing, and gestures to the lake. "See this lake? I dug this lake! I labored with one shovel for 10 years, channelled the stream, and filled it with the trout that feed everyone. You think they call me John the lake digger? They don't. But, you fuck ONE GOAT...!"

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This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegans Club

But I'd swear I've never met herbivore.....

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A woman once said she recognized me from the vegetarian club...

But I had never met herbivore.

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George and Barbara Bush were driving through Texas...

...when the First Couple stopped at a restaurant.

Barbara Bush recognized the waiter was an ex-boyfriend from high school. George and Barbara had a friendly conversation with the waiter, and then continued their drive.


In the car, George Bush said to Barbara, "Can you imagine what life would be like if you'd married him instead of me?"


Barbara Bush replied, "Yes. He'd be President and you'd be serving coffee."

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People assume I'm vegetarian

Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore

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Today, a vegetarian girl said she recognized me,

but I think I've never met herbivore

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A blonde walks into Best Buy...

She approaches an associate and asks the price of a TV in the corner, but to her surprise, the associate looks at her and tell her that they don't serve blondes.

The blonde goes home and dies her hair brown, the returns to the store and asks the same question - only to get the same reply.

Now furious at how he recognized her, she goes home and puts on a black wig, paints her nails, changes her clothes and puts on sunglasses before heading back out.

She walks back into the store and asks for help with the same TV in the corner.

"Again, lady, we don't serve blondes." the associate replies.

"How the heck do you know it's me?!"

"Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave."

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Today I finally returned to Mexico after spending 4 years abroad.

But no Juan recognized me.

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Today, a girl said she recognized me from the Vegan Club

I said I never met... *herbivore*

~~Badum Tsss!~~

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God calls the Pope one day...

The Pope was working at his desk when the phone rings."Hello, this is the Pope."

He immediately recognized the voice at the other end of the line. "My son, this is Jesus Christ. I have called you to give you some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I have returned to the Earth to lead the faithful to Heaven."

The Pope was ecstatic! He said, "My Lord,what could possibly be bad news on this wonderful day?"

Jesus replied, "I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

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Members of the KKK are so afraid of being recognized in public...

they're literally sheeting themselves.

(This probably isn't original but I've never heard it before and thought of it while cleaning the kitchen.)

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What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

A weasel's weasily recognized and a stoat is stoataly different

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An elephant is drinking out of a river

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" Asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory." Says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

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So I went to this concert with my wife

And I recognized one of the violin players from my highschool marching band. He played fine, but not outstanding. My wife also recognized him. So after the concert we decided to say hi.

"Has anyone told you that you were the best violin player in the world?"

My friend was quite surprised from my wife's comment and also quite pleased. But before he could reply my wife continued.

"Ever wonder why?"

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As someone who didn't win a lot of awards, I enjoyed going to the dentist

it was one of the few times I was recognized by plaque

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Once the Islamic State becomes recognized by the UN maybe they'll start entering the miss world contest...

...I bet their Miss Islamic State is going to be the bomb.

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,

but I'd never met herbivore.

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Today a girl said she recognized me from our vegetarian club,

But I'm pretty sure I've met herbivore.

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After her divorce, Jenny moved back to her home town, hoping to start afresh...

After her divorce, Jenny moved back to her home town, hoping to start afresh.
A few weeks later, while making a dental appointment, she recognized the name as that of a good looking boy from high school, 20 years ago. But when Jenny walked into the dentist's clinic, she realized it must be someone else: the dentist was bald, had a big beer belly and looked old. Just to be sure, Jenny asked if he had graduated from that particular high school.
"Yeah," said the dentist. "I graduated in 91." "Oh, you were in my class!" said an excited Jenny. "Really?" he said, "That's interesting. "What did you teach?"

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A man knocked on my door asking for a place to stay.

I thought I recognized his voice.

"Are you Freddy?"

"Freddy or not here I come."

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Today a panda said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,

But I'm sure I've never met herbivore.

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I saw a woman I felt like I recognized getting attacked by two guys, so I decided to help out.

After I realized who she was, my ex didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us!

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What's the difference between an income that happen ordinarily and accidentally?

One have to be recognized only once as a revenue, the other you have to record again.

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I was recently recognized for all the hard work I did.

Now I'm serving time for trafficking.

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Appointment in Samarra.

A merchant in Baghdad sends his servant to the marketplace for provisions. Shortly, the servant comes home white and trembling and tells him that in the marketplace he was jostled by a woman, whom he recognized as Death, and she made a threatening gesture. Borrowing the merchant's horse, he flees at top speed to Samarra, a distance of about 75 miles (125 km), where he believes Death will not find him. The merchant then goes to the marketplace and finds Death, and asks why she made the threatening gesture. She replies, "That was not a threatening gesture, it was only a start of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Baghdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra."

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Historians recently discovered evidence that Hitler was a ventriloquist.

Apparently he would sneak out some nights with his dummy who was a violinist. He would bring the dummy to small concert venues and ventriloquize the violin music, interjecting humorous anti-Semitic remarks in between songs. To avoid being recognized, we wore a fake mustache, and called his act A Doll Fiddler.

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Yo mama's so ugly.....

When she tries to use a Snapchat filter, her face doesn't get recognized.

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At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It's always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

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Which Japanese monarch is recognized by Chinese but not by his own people?

Nanking

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Today a girl told me she recognized me from the vegetarian club.

But I've never met herbivore.

Get it?

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Johnyy Depp came out of a lavatory and was all wet

So I asked, " What happened?"
Johnny replied,"I went in, someone recognized me and yelled- *Hey its Johnny Depp* , and everybody turned"

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

but i've never met herbivore

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I recently went to a vegetarian restaurant and a woman said she recognized me.

But I had never met herbivore

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For the last 20 years, a man has been volunteering for the police, participating in the police lineups

And not even once has anyone recognized him for all his efforts.

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A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club...

But I never met herbivore .

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What are the best Recognized puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Recognized? Well, here are the best jokes about Recognized to have fun with.

Joko Jokes