Recent Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Recent puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Recent

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.

"That'll be $1" answers the barman.

"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"

"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn't concentrate.

I recently submitted my resume to Sony

But they canceled the interview

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

The blonde's password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...

How is that a bad thing? I wondered.

He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains.

Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.

Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones

Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

Prostate Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

She said...."Who was that guy?"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

Recently, i've tried to make a car without wheels.

I've been working on it tirelessly.

I recently got sick at the airport,

my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

I recently found out that I'm colorblind...

It came out of the purple.

A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex

The other 7% have not been to jail.

I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest

So I entered my friend

So I recently came into a large sum of money...

...and then the cashier wouldn't accept it.

I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".

Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"

I said, "Sem Ting".

I recently started dating a woman in a wheelchair, and I stood her up.

Not surprisingly that's when she fell for me...and you know what, it became a bit of a drag...but now we're on a roll.

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators...

From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new...

A recent survey asked 12 year olds what they had done over the past week. 83 percent answered...

"your mom".

A recently married couple...

A recently married couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. When the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: "Honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Won't you do that here?"

Husband: "That's at home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

I recently got crushed by a pile of books,

I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I have only my shelf to blame.

I recently attempted the world record for masturbation.

I nearly pulled it off

A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people addicted to brake fluid...

...just can't stop.

I recently came into a large sum of money.

Now it's all sticky and no one will accept it.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

I recently entered a blindfolded masturbation competition...

I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...

I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.

I recently received my PhD in palindromes.

I now go by Dr. Awkward

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

I recently came out as pansexual.

But I'm only attracted to cast iron.

I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks.

I guess it's true what they say:

"Once you go black, you never go back"

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.

When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".

The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".

Entrance Exam

A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.

The rest ended up in Congress.

They recently announced the title for Fast and furious 10

Fast 10:your seatbelts

In light of all the recent blond jokes...

Why are blond jokes so short?


So men can remember them.

I recently got fired at my job at the calendar factory

It's because I took a day off

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.

"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."

The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."

His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

My recent letter from the BBC read...

"Thanks for entering your wife into our new quiz show.

However, we feel you may have misread the title?

The show is actually called "Fact Hunt"




Credit @ShitJokes via Twitter.

I have recently become a new man

I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a terrorist attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.

Recently found out my toaster was not waterproof

I was shocked.

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.

The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking…

The result was staggering…

A recent study revealed that diarrhea is genetic...

.....It runs in the genes.

I recently watched a pirated film.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it a 3.14.

I've recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

I recently met up with an old girlfriend of mine and we immediately started having sex...

...The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body.

Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash.

It was the left wing.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager

asked me if I can perform under pressure.


I said no, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody.

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists

and I'm pleased to say it is flying off the shelves.

Frightening Statistic

This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.

The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

Recently, a group of scientists discovered...

a subclass of ant has a genetic mutation that makes them grow larger than average, DESPITE missing a jointed segment on their legs. This same mutation also causes them to have an aversion to dairy-based foods, even with their high based sugar content.

TL;DR lack-toes-in-taller-ants

Just recently sold all my dead batteries

free of charge

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version...

Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

Recently divorced Marine sniper slapped with a 1500 yard restraining order.

He is now struggling to understand the distance that has become between them, as well as windage.

Source: The Onion

I recently came into a lot of money.

The bank teller wasn't happy about having to use gloves.

A recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.

I've recently been diagnosed as delusional.

So I recently opened a suicide bomb shop in Syria, and it's doing great!

Prophets are going through the roof.

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly

Now I'm just ugly

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

A recent college grad visits a farm one day

A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.

"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.

"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's a peach tree."

Recently I felt Funny and came over Queasy...

At which point I was told to leave the local theatre adaption of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

I recently went to the doctor. He said you have to stop masturbating.

I said Why? He said "Because I'm trying to examine you.

Banking Crisis in Japan

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I'm now the main stake holder.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes