receive Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious receive puns

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.


My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive


My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.


My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.


I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.


A man walks into a job interview...

He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.

"So son, where did you receive your education?"

The man replied "Yale".

The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"

The man replied "Yack Yackson".


I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it


I received an email from Google

It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."


I wouldn't be mad.

And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.


PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.


To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.


I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....

Guess who's getting laid tonight.


I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"


When Vanna White dies...

Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?


I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".


And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life'

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.


I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE

I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.


And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"

But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.


God and Lazarus

God said to Lazarus, "Come forth, and receive eternal life!"

However, Lazarus came fifth and received a toaster.


And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*


Received a call from a recruiting consultant

She said " Sir, I have two openings for you"
I replied "Yes, I know"

There was a long silence and then she shouted "Asshole!"
I said i prefer the other one.


What did the late arriving cannibal receive at the dinner party?

The cold shoulder.


A suicide bomber goes to heaven to receive his 72 virgins...

But all he sees are other men just like himself.

Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are.
The man replies, "Brother, we are all virgins."


Some Catholic priests are doing their final test before becoming ministers.

The final test was to stand naked with a bell on your penis, and then receive a lap dance. The candidates had to prove their vow of celebacy by not getting aroused. They bring in the stripper and she gives each guy a lap dance, and each one does not get aroused. When she gets the the final candidate his bell rings so hard it flies off. Embarrassed, he bends over to pick up his bell...

Then all the other bells ring


A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."


And the Lord said into John, "Come fourth and you will receive eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a toaster.


What do men who receive compressed porn files do when they are alone?

They unzip.


How do gangsters receive communications?



A young tribal boy asks the village chief:

How did Howling Moon receive her name?

*Ah,* answers the chief. As her mother went into labor there was a lone wolf howling into the moon!

The boy ponders and asks, What about Jumping Brook? How was he named?

Oh yes, answered the Chief. On the morning of his birth we watched a herd of young deer jumping over the brook.

Say, the chief continues, what makes you so curious, young little Two Goats Fucking?


A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**


A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

**Genie:** What is your first wish?

**Man:** I want a million dollars.

**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.

**Genie:** What is your second wish?

**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.

**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.

**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?

**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.


A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach

He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."

After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."

"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.

"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.

"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.

Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.

"I wish to donate a kidney."


Currency Fluctuations

An Asian man comes to the US to do business and converts 110 million Yen into 1 million dollars. On his next trip, he returns to the bank to do the same, but only receives $990,000 in return.

He asks the teller, "Why did I receive less this time?"

The teller responds with a shrug, "Fluctuations"

The man gets very angry and storms out, stopping at the door to shout back, "Fluc your Americans too!"


Why did the scarecrow receive a prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.


The boss plans a business trip

He calls his secretary, tells her they will go on a business trip for a whole week. The secretary calls her husband, she will be off for a business trip next week. The husband calls his mistress, they can spend the next week together in the absence of the wife. The mistress calls a kid she teaches, there are no studies next week. The kid calls his grandpa (who happens to be the boss planning a business trip), he wants to visit him for the next week.

The boss calls his secretary, the trip is canceled as he will receive a special visit. The secretary calls her husband, the trip is canceled. The husband calls his mistress, the wife has canceled her trip. The mistress calls the kid, they will continue their studies next week. The kid call grandpa, he won't come to visit him.

The boss calls his secretary, the trip is on again...


What are the most funny Receive jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Receive? Well, here are the best Receive dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Receive pick up lines to share with friends.

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