The Best 87 Receive Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Receive jokes. There are some receive complimentary jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these receive raffle puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Receive Jokes and Puns

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

And Jesus said unto them, "Come forth and you shall receive everlasting life."

We all know how John came fith and won a toaster, but Joseph didn't even come and he got a baby!

Receive joke, And Jesus said unto them, "Come forth and you shall receive everlasting life."

Socrates' Beloved

Socrates beloved dog died. He went to his Greek priest and asked if he could arrange a regular church service for his dearly departed. The priest was outraged and berated the parishioner for suggesting his dog receive holy services. Dismayed, Socrates turned away mumbling, 'Now what am I to do with the five thousand Euros we saved for the serviced?' 'Good Lord, my son, come back; why didn't you say he was Orthodox?'

I wouldn't be mad.

And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.


What did Orion receive when he won second place in the archery contest?

The constellation prize.

I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....

Guess who's getting laid tonight.

Receive joke, I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....

What did the late arriving cannibal receive at the dinner party?

The cold shoulder.

I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".

Just received an invitation to the local nudists club...

I though why not, I've got nothing on.

A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach

He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."

After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."

"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.

"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.

"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.

Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.

"I wish to donate a kidney."

You can explore receive prayers reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean receive valid dad jokes. There are also receive puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"...

But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.

Why did the agnostic receive a lighter sentence?

He had no prior convictions.

Jesus said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

A man walks into a job interview...

He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.

"So son, where did you receive your education?"

The man replied "Yale".

The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"

The man replied "Yack Yackson".

And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"

But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.

Receive joke, And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"

I received some food stamps the other day

They tasted terrible.

I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE

I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.

My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.


Why did Alexander Graham Bell never receive a nobel prize?

Because it's a "no bell" prize.

Two Jews walk by a Christian church. . .

There is a sign on the door that says, "convert to Christianity and receive $100". One of them speaks up and says, "I'm going in." His friend says "you're really going to change religions for $100?"
"A $100 is a $100, I'm doing it!" And he walks inside.
A few minutes later he walks back out and his friend says, "Well? Did you get the money?"
He replies, "Oh, that's all you people think about isn't it?"

I received an email from Google

It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."

When Vanna White dies...

Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?

A suicide bomber goes to heaven to receive his 72 virgins...

But all he sees are other men just like himself.

Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are.
The man replies, "Brother, we are all virgins."

ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.

My daughter received an iPod for hers.

For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.

My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.

Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

Where do shoes receive their military training?

Boot Camp

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

**Genie:** What is your first wish?

**Man:** I want a million dollars.

**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.

**Genie:** What is your second wish?

**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.

**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.

**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?

**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.



*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*

How do gangsters receive communications?

Gmail

God and Lazarus

God said to Lazarus, "Come forth, and receive eternal life!"

However, Lazarus came fifth and received a toaster.

And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life'

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

A man is granted three wishes.

The Genie tells him that whatever he wishes for, his wife will receive 2x of.

The man's first wish is $3B, so his ex-wife gets $6B.

The man's second wish is a mansion, so his ex-wife gets two mansions.

For the man's third and final wish, he tells the Genie "Here's a baseball bat, beat me half to death."

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

Just received a text message...

Just received a text message telling me I've won a competition! The prizes are Β£500 cash or front row tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know if its a scam though?
It says to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show.

I got received an e-mail from my Buddhist friend...

...it was free from attachments.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Christian & The Bear

A Christian was hiking in the wilderness, he stumbles upon a bear. The bear starts chasing him! The Christian is now cornered, he gets on one knee and says "Lord, turn this bear into a Christian" the bear creeps up closer and closer, and then gets on one knee and says "Lord, thank you so much for this meal I'm about to receive"

Irishman and the fire

Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.

They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake.

"What happened! How did the fire start?!" they ask him.

"How should I know?" says the Irishman. "It was already on fire when I went in.."

And God Said To Adam

Come forth and yee shall receive eternal life. But Adam came fifth and got a toaster.

I once received a fortune cookie of which the fortune was immediately fulfilled...

"You will have a weak dessert"

What does the Dentist of the Year receive?

A little plaque.

Bob was late to come to see his friend John at the bar

John: Dude, you're so late!

Bob: You won't believe what just happened to me. On my way here, I saw a girl tied to a train track. I untied her and we had sexy time together.

John: That sounds awesome dude!

Bob: Yeah, I know right. We did missionary, doggy, cowgirl etc. you name it.

John: Did you receive head?

Bob: Nah, couldn't find it.

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

What did the Russians receive when they lost the space race?

A constellation prize

I just received an email notifying me that my order has shipped!

Just think, in one week I'll be a married man.

I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks

Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes

I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.

A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

My favorite lame joke

And God said unto John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.
But john came fifth, and won a toaster.

I know, it's stupid and overused, but it's my favorite...

I've just received a phone call saying I've won Β£250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...

...it said press 1 for the money, 2 for the show

Currency Fluctuations

An Asian man comes to the US to do business and converts 110 million Yen into 1 million dollars. On his next trip, he returns to the bank to do the same, but only receives $990,000 in return.

He asks the teller, "Why did I receive less this time?"

The teller responds with a shrug, "Fluctuations"

The man gets very angry and storms out, stopping at the door to shout back, "Fluc your Americans too!"

I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme.

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**

The police receive a noise complaint from a nearby tennis equipment factory

They were making a racket.

Jesus said unto Peter

"Come forth and you shall receive everlasting life"

But Peter came in fifth and received a toaster

A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest

The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"

The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"

What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?

The Nobel Peas Prize.

What's the difference between a gay person and a Republican?

The Republican gets butthurt when OTHER people receive sodomy

And so the Lord said unto John, come forth, and you shall receive the gift of eternal life.

But John came fifth, and received a $10 subway gift card

And the LORD said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.







Old but gold.



Stolen off the internet. Enjoy

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

A comb is the best present a bald man can receive

He'll never part with it.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

And the Lord said unto John, Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.

But John came fifth and received a toaster.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"

... but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

What award did the cat who sniffed the most butts receive?

Catastrophe.

Why was Snape so upset when Lily Potter was wrongfully terminated?

She was never able to receive her Severus package.

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

Garbagemen never receive actual training

They just pick things up as they go

Someone tickled me today and then asked: "Did you feel that?"

It was nice to finally receive a 600 stimulus check.

Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare

But I think it's much ado about nothing.

I'm getting one of the first covid shots

I got choosen to receive one of the first covid vaccines shots. Since I'm 78yo old Vietnam veteran. I said, "Can I get it in my left arm". They said sure. I said Well good, it got blown off in Vietnam in 68, can you bring me back my West Point ring while your over there.




Edit for grammar.

My wife once said, Sex is better during vacation .

That was not a nice postcard to receive.

Knock, Knock. Warning.

Warning.

If you receive a knock knock email. Do not open it.

It will be Jehovah Witnesses working from home.

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas.

They're due back in the library this Friday, cheers.

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless...

PS: I actually didn't, but it's my favourite bad joke, and it's my cake day, so I can do whatever I want!

Edit #1: If you didn't see my comment somehow, I feel scammed, because at the time of posting this, I yet had like 2 hours of my cake day left. I guess Reddit doesn't use European time...

Edit #2: I feel honoured to receive my first award ever!

Received a call from the recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir i have two openings for you".

I replied: Yes. I know

There was a long silence and then she said: asshole

I replied: I prefer the other one.

What's the one compliment women hate to receive?

"Hey, nice moustache!"

What award did the deceased chick pea receive?

A posthummus award

A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.

Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks."

"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

How do you receive a cremation container

You urn it

A husband and wife give up their identical twin boys for adoption. They name one of them Juan and the other Amol

Years later the wife receives a letter from Juan reaching out to her, he included a picture. Elated she showed her husband who was excited to see his son doing so well in life.. weeks later they receive a letter from Amol telling them how well he is doing and also included a picture. Wife asks hubby " do you want to see your sons picture?" hubby replies "Why? if you've seen Juan you've seen Amol"

What do you get when you receive a sexting message?

A naughtification.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the receive acquire jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working receive sms piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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