Rear Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

you get them VERY ANGRY

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield

Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"

They get really angry

If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN

You will get them VERY ANGRY

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd move U

Cause you're blocking the TV

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"

I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
-

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

Why do french tanks have rear mirrors?

So they can also see the front lines.

I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..

We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"

Ugliest baby that I've ever seen

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Why do French tanks have rear windows?

So they can see the battlefield!

If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven't looked back since.

They gave an award for my cat's rear

It was a catastrophe.

I rearranged my keyboard today

Now everything's under Control

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So that they can watch the battle.

Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers?

To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it

If Turkey was attacked from the rear

Would Greece help?

Dwarf Incident

I rear ended a car this morning...
I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

The police vs the senior citizen

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

Emergency flashers

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!

A woman gets on a bus...

with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Two campers are hiking in the woods . . .

One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.




"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, then spit it out."




The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.



"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.




"He says you're going to die."

Yesterday I got into an accident with a prius...

Yesterday I was on the highway and rear ended a prius.
We both pulled over and a dwarf gets out of the prius.
He walks up to my car and says "Hey mister, I'm not happy!"
I say "then which one are you?"

Driving a brand new Bugatti

A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"

Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car.

It spilled my beer all over the place.

My wife's got Meatloaf underwear.

On the front they say, 'I would do anything for love'. On the rear they say, 'But I won't do that'.

This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.

I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"

And thats how the fight started....

A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...

...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual sexual activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.

"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouetted by the light nearby, I ... I just couldn't help myself. I had to have her, so I made love to her right then and there."

The pastor replies, "I'm terribly sorry, sir. We can't allow that kind of behavior here. Premarital sex, even in a loving relationship, is against our doctrine."

The man shrugs, seemingly expecting the rejection. He stands up and begins walking to the door. "Hey, padre? Don't feel bad," he says. "We're not allowed in Wal*Mart any more either."

An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, I bet you I can guess your age.

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

Pull down your pants, she says.

She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, You're 84 years old.

That's amazing, the man says. How did you know?

You told me yesterday.

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored

before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . . "Your Badge, show him your Badge!"

A woman gets on a bus.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

I was driving one day and I rear ended a car.

We pulled into a nearby parking lot and out of the car I had hit stepped a little person, a dwarf if you will. He said "I'm not happy",so I asked "Then which one are you?"

I was driving the other day

I was driving the other day when I saw this beautiful woman standing on the side of the road. I slowed down a little bit to get a better look at her when the guy behind me rear ended me.

As soon as we both got out of our vehicles, I noticed he was a midget. As he was walking over to me I could tell he was mad. He approached me and yelled, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "Well, which one are you?"

A woman and her baby get on a bus to head out for some errands. The bus driver mumbles: 'Wow, that's one *ugly* baby!' The woman was absolutely livid and storms to the rear of the bus to sit. The man next to her asked if she was OK. She replied: 'No, the driver just insulted us!'

The man replied: 'You should go back and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Woman gets on a bus with her baby

A woman stepped onto a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed her agitation and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's exactly what you should do," the man said. "Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if you remove both rear legs from a frog, it becomes deaf.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together

And then move the rest of them to match the layout of a QWERTY keyboard too.

A cop pulls over a driver with a broken tail light...

The officer approaches the driver of the vehicle and asks how long he has been driving with a broken tail light. Without answering the question the driver jumps out of his car, runs to the rear of his vehicle and groans. Seeing he was upset the officer tried to cheer him up slightly "come on now, don't take it so hard. Its not that serious."
"It isn't?" Replied the driver, "then do you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

So Turkey wants to invade Syria from the rear,

Do you think Greece will help?

You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...

...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

Some of my favorite SFW jokes

Some of my personal favorite ones:

A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police show up and ask what happened the snail say " I don't know, it happened so fast..."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver say "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man say, "you go right up there and tell him off--I'll hold your monkey for you."

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules...so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...

TO: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: January 12, 2008.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!

And finally,

A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of Playboy. Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the my side."

There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...

...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.

The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

I rear-ended a car the other day

and out comes a little person. He says to me, "I'm not happy", so I reply, "Then which one are you?"

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.

The front says "I will do anything for love"

On the rear it says "but I won't do that"

I decided not to replace my rear mirror.

I haven't looked back since.

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out" ... so we snuck in through the rear entrance

I was in a car accident.

I got rear ended the other day, and the driver, who was less than 4 feet tall, started yelling and hollering.

He screamed, "I am NOT HAPPY!", so I yelled back, "WELL WHICH ARE YOU THEN?!"

"Have a good day, sir"



He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'

Your Turn

Out of prison. As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied.

"How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said.

"But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

The professor asked "how many believe in ghosts?"

Almost half the class held up their hands

The professor then asked "how many have seen a ghost?"

More than a quarter to the class held up their hands

The professor then asked "How many have talked to a ghost?"

And three students held up their hands

Finally the professor asked "How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One student, a Muslim in the rear, held up his hand.

The professor walked back to the student, and asked "So you've actually had sex with a ghost?"

The student looked at the professor, a surprised look on his face, and muttered "I though you said goats..."

For Father's Day, my wife gave me a rear facing camera for my car.

I haven't looked back since.

I told my girlfriend that we could either see a movie or have sex

She said the movie was closed and she was on her period, so I decided to sneak in through the rear entrance

Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A guy goes to the doctor with a pain in his rear end

The doctor has a look and says, "This is could be serious, you seem to have a lettuce leaf stuck in there. I can remove it easily enough, but it may just be the tip of the iceberg."

In the United States the colors red white and blue represent freedom.

Unless they see it in their rear view mirror.

Donald Meets The Queen of England!

Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: "Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Donald quickly replied: "Please don't give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses".

What are the funniest rear jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Rear? Well, here are the best Rear puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Rear pick up lines to share with friends.

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