Entertaining Rear Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
The police vs the senior citizen
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
I was driving one day and I rear ended a car.
We pulled into a nearby parking lot and out of the car I had hit stepped a little person, a dwarf if you will. He said "I'm not happy",so I asked "Then which one are you?"
A woman gets on a bus...
with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So that they can watch the battle.
There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...
...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.
Just after the apartheid ...
A bus company's owner explain to his drivers that if they find it difficult to see people as equal they just have to consider there are no more black and white people, only blue.
So, this driver explained it to its passengers :
"Ok guys, you're not black or white anymore. Only blue. So light blue get the front seats, dark blue the rear."
This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.
I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And thats how the fight started....
You can explore rear altruistic reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean rear commotion dad jokes. There are also rear puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A guy goes to the doctor with a pain in his rear end
The doctor has a look and says, "This is could be serious, you seem to have a lettuce leaf stuck in there. I can remove it easily enough, but it may just be the tip of the iceberg."
Why do french tanks have rear mirrors?
So they can also see the front lines.
Yesterday I got into an accident with a prius...
Yesterday I was on the highway and rear ended a prius.
We both pulled over and a dwarf gets out of the prius.
He walks up to my car and says "Hey mister, I'm not happy!"
I say "then which one are you?"
A cop pulls over a driver with a broken tail light...
The officer approaches the driver of the vehicle and asks how long he has been driving with a broken tail light. Without answering the question the driver jumps out of his car, runs to the rear of his vehicle and groans. Seeing he was upset the officer tried to cheer him up slightly "come on now, don't take it so hard. Its not that serious."
"It isn't?" Replied the driver, "then do you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..
We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"
Emergency flashers
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their n**... bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
If Turkey was attacked from the rear
Would Greece help?
Your Turn
Out of prison. As a h**... was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied.
"How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have s**... from the rear?"
"Partly." She said.
"But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
Three men walk into a car part store...
I need taillights for a Mustang the first one says. What year? the employee asks. 2015 he answers. There you go , the worker hands in the parts. The second guy goes to the counter, saying I need a steering wheel for a Mustang . What year?
1997 he answers. There you go . After he payed, the third guy comes to the counter. I need rear suspensions for a Mustang . There you go .
Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....
They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.
They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.
They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.
After much discussion they could conclude that if you remove both rear legs from a frog, it becomes deaf.
An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, I bet you I can guess your age.
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
Pull down your pants, she says.
She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, You're 84 years old.
That's amazing, the man says. How did you know?
You told me yesterday.
Dwarf Incident
I rear ended a car this morning...
I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.
The front says "I will do anything for love"
On the rear it says "but I won't do that"
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
I was in a car accident.
I got rear ended the other day, and the driver, who was less than 4 feet tall, started yelling and hollering.
He screamed, "I am NOT HAPPY!", so I yelled back, "WELL WHICH ARE YOU THEN?!"
Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers?
To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it
If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face
Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
-
I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.
She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"
I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."
For Father's Day, my wife gave me a rear facing camera for my car.
I haven't looked back since.
Why do French tanks have rear windows?
So they can see the battlefield!
I was driving the other day
I was driving the other day when I saw this beautiful woman standing on the side of the road. I slowed down a little bit to get a better look at her when the guy behind me rear ended me.
As soon as we both got out of our vehicles, I noticed he was a midget. As he was walking over to me I could tell he was mad. He approached me and yelled, "I'm not happy!"
I replied, "Well, which one are you?"
I rear-ended a car the other day
and out comes a little person. He says to me, "I'm not happy", so I reply, "Then which one are you?"
Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car.
It spilled my beer all over the place.
My wife's got Meatloaf underwear.
On the front they say, 'I would do anything for love'. On the rear they say, 'But I won't do that'.
m**... while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.
Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus
Ugliest baby that I've ever seen
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together
And then move the rest of them to match the layout of a QWERTY keyboard too.
You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...
...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.
I rearranged my keyboard today
Now everything's under Control
I told my girlfriend that we could either see a movie or have s**...
She said the movie was closed and she was on her period, so I decided to sneak in through the rear entrance
If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear...
Would Greece help?
Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battlefield
They gave an award for my cat's rear
It was a catastrophe.
Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"
They get really angry
A woman and her baby get on a bus to head out for some errands. The bus driver mumbles: 'Wow, that's one *ugly* baby!' The woman was absolutely livid and storms to the rear of the bus to sit. The man next to her asked if she was OK. She replied: 'No, the driver just insulted us!'
The man replied: 'You should go back and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
So Turkey wants to invade Syria from the rear,
Do you think Greece will help?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd move U
Cause you're blocking the TV
I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or go see Star Wars.
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out" ... so we snuck in through the rear entrance
I decided not to replace my rear mirror.
I haven't looked back since.
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.
Haven't looked back since.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
Why do French tanks have rear veiw mirrors
So they can see the battlefield
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
They get really upset.
I rear ended an Audi the other day
Now it's an Innie
If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear,
Do you think Greece would help?
Do you ever wonder why they call it heated seats?
Because rear defroster was already taken.
This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn't paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said I'm not happy.
I replied Well, which one are you then?
An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.
If you could firm this up, you wouldn't need a girdle! He says.
She turns around and grabs is c**...
If you could firm this up, I wouldn't need your brother!
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby...
The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…
While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.
When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!
What's wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME? I protested. I didn't even do anything!
He glared at me in the rear view mirror. I will not have any daughter of mine wasting her time with high maintenance people!
Why do Yugo's have heated rear windows?
To keep the owner's hands warm when they are pushing it!
Rearrange the letters PNEIS ...
**When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.**
**One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when it is e**.... Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.**
**The rest of us are swapping jokes on Reddit.**
I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...
But he never made it as a wise man
My new SUV has a button that says, Rear Wiper …
I'm afraid to push it.
Why did Jack get hit by a sport car going in reverse during his exercise?
Because the driver can't see jack squat in the rear view mirror.
My car just got rear ended by a dwarf. His car is wrecked, my car is fine. He says, "Well, I'm not happy"
So I said "Well which one are you?"
I rearranged all the wrenches in my Dad's toolbox.
Nobody expects the spanners switch position!
I was having a problem with my rear end so I went to see the doctor...
... The doc said, "well let's have a look". I dropped may pants and the doctor gave a thorough look and then said, "well, nothing is obviously wrong, what seems to be the problem?".
I said, "I can't stop showing it to people".
I was a doctor in the navy and my specialty was proctology.
I always got behind in my work, but I eventually attained the rank of Rear Admiral.
