Really Embarrassing Jokes
55 really embarrassing jokes and hilarious really embarrassing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about really embarrassing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Really Embarrassing Short Jokes
Short really embarrassing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The really embarrassing humour may include short embarrassing jokes also.
- I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad's sister "Vaccine"... I'm embarrassed to tell people that she's Auntie Vax.
- I went to a fondue party last night and thought of a really great joke! I was too embarrassed to say it though, it was really cheesy.
- My wife told me to take all of her clothes off last night I was so embarrassed. I really wish she'd tell me when she was coming home early
- A mom tells her son a joke. The son is so embarrassed. Son says "Mom, please don't make anymore jokes. You really can't make them."
Mom shrugs and replies, "Well- I did make you." - IKEA visits with my dad are always really embarrassing. Every time we see a table he starts to explain about symbols. He's like a legend!
- Got really embarrassed when I 'John Cena'd' when I was with my girlfriend last night... I came out of nowhere.
- I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their c**.... Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.
- My 9 year old daughter is starting to ask me some really embarrassing questions about s**... that I dont want to answer I mean, just yesterday she asked me is that the best you can do?
- I find it really embarrassing that whenever anyone visits my house, the dog starts sniffing their c**.... Especially, as it is a Chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
- TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off Our eyes locked as I opened the front door. He seemed really embarrassed and then he spoke.
"Why are you m**...?," he asked me.
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Really Embarrassing Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about really embarrassing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean embarrassing dad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make really embarrassing pranks.
Fun with cucumbers
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don't know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.
After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile's and sometimes a wink.
All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament
was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and s**... her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had f**....
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
A teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living...
Jack answers, "my daddy's a scientist, and my mom is a nurse."
Suzie answers, "my mommy's an architect."
"And how about you, Johnny?" the teacher asks one student. Johnny looks up at her and says, "my dad works at a gay s**... club. Every night, he dances in a g-string for a bunch of men, and once in a while one of the men will pay him and he'll go to the man's house for the night." The teacher, shocked, hurriedly moves the class along to the next activity.
A little while later, she pulls Johnny aside while the rest of the students are working, and asks, "did you really mean that when you said your dad's a gay stripper?" Johnny looks up and says, "no, he's one of Mitt Romney's campaign managers, but that was too embarrassing to tell the whole class."
Whales
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large h**... on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed h**... herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll h**..., I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T s**... s**...!
Dancing in the kitchen.
Two neighbors have the hots for each other. So one afternoon when their spouses are away they are having it off. Afterwards they are having a smoke in the bed and she asks him if it was everything he imagined it would be.
"It was alright, but I must say you are pretty wide."
"What do you mean, wide?"
"Well, you do have a rather 'large hole'...
Baffled she kicks him out of her house and goes to the kitchen to fix herself a drink.
Sitting at the kitchen table she starts thinking about what he said, gets a mirror, puts it on the floor, stands over the mirror, opens her robe and begins to examen herself.
Just at that moment the neighbor's 5 year old son walks in through the b**....
Embarrassed, she says: "Hi Timmy, how are you? I was just doing a little dance, I really like dancing in the kitchen!"
To which the kid replies: "Do what you want, just make sure you don't fall into that hole!"
The Blind Clerk
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
Ouch
A man (let's call him Bob) goes to his best friend who happens to be a doctor (let's call him Marv).
Bob: Marv, I need to ask you a favor.
Marv: Yea, Bob. No problem, what can I do for you?
Bob: I have here $5,000. I want you to castrate me.
Marv: But, Bob --
Bob: No, Marv, I've thought about this, I'm a little embarrassed, just take the $5,000 dollars and please don't fight me on this.
Marv, thinks and decides that he's not one to say no to $5,000 for a simple procedure and agrees. He conducts the operation.
In an hour or so Bob wakes up from the anesthesia.
Bob: Is it done?
Marv: Yea, it is. Also while I was doing the operation I noticed you weren't circumcised, and I really believe it's healthier, so I wanted to offer you that option now.
Bob: CIRCUMCISED! That's the word!
A woman sees an old couple sharing a meal at McDonald...
A woman walks into McDonald and orders her meal. As she sits down with her food, she sees an old couple in a corner booth sharing a single happy meal. The old woman ate while the old man watched hungrily.
"They must be really poor", she thought and decided to do a good dead and bought another meal and brought over to the old couple. When she brought the meal over and explained, the old man thanked her but declined.
"Thank you, my dear, but we have plenty of money. We are sharing because when we were married over 50 years ago we vowed to share everything. Even a simple meal"
The woman who bought the meal was embarrassed and apologized, but she had one more question before she left them alone.
"I understand sharing everything, but why are you watching her eat? why not split the meal and eat together?" she asked
The old man flashed his gums to the younger woman and told her:
"Because it's her turn for the teeth"
For the Australians out there!
Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father.
'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little tony aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Tony, 'He plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.
Chinese herbologist
A man with an embarrassing condition walks into a bar one day, sad and depressed. He orders a shot, then another, and then another. Finally, the bartenders asks him "hey, what's wrong buddy?". The man replies "I've got this really embarrassing condition, and no doctor has ever been able to figure out how to cure it". The bartender says "well, why don't you tell me about it?".
"Ok", says the man, "you see.....whenever I f**..., it comes out HONDA!!!". I've tried everything, changed my diet, stopped drinking beer and eating beans...everything!".
The bartender says "have you tried Chinese herbology?".
"No", says the man.
"Well", says the bartender, "there's a Chinese herbologist right around the corner; it wouldn't hurt to give him a shot".
So, the man goes to see the Chinese herbologist and tells him all about his problem. "Ahhh...", says the herbologist, "you have an abscess in your tooth, you must go to the dentist".
Well, the man hasn't seen a dentist in years and is reluctant to go, but he decides he has to do something about his farts. After his exam, the dentist tells him, yes indeed you have an abscess. The dentist performs the surgery to fix the abscess, and the man's farts return to normal. "This is miraculous!", thinks the man. He goes back to the herbologist to find out how he could possibly know that he had an abscess. "Ah...says the herbologist", ancient Chinese proverb! "Abscess make the f**... go honda!".
A preacher…
…was asked to give a talk at a woman's health symposium. His wife asked about the topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about s**.... Thinking quickly, he replied, "I'm talking about sailing."
"Oh, that's nice," said his wife.
The next day, at the grocery store, a young woman who had attended the lecture recognized the minister's wife.
"That was certainly an excellent talk your husband gave yesterday," she said. "He really has a unique perspective on the subject."
Somewhat surprised, the minister's wife replied, "Gee, funny you should think so. I mean, he's only done it twice. The first time he threw up, and the second time his hat blew off."
Perceptions vary
Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap. Everyone on board had his or her own outlook of what happened. For example . . .
The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome lieutenant kissed me, I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."
The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the lieutenant, but I'm proud that my granddaughter had the courage to hit him."
The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did my lieutenant kiss that civilian young lady and why did she slap me by mistake?"
The lieutenant was the only person on that train who really knew what happened. In that brief period of total darkness, he had the opportunity to kiss an attractive young lady, as well as slap a general.
A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...
Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.
A women goes to the doctors office...
The doctor comes in and asks whats wrong.
Women: "Well have been having really loud farts lately, and I don't know what to do, and it is quite embarrassing."
Doctor: "Well does it smell?"
Women: "No, Just really loud."
All of a sudden, she cuts one right in front of the the doctor.
Doctor: "Ah, I see. I will schedule you for surgery right away."
Women: "For my stomach?"
Doctor: "No for your nose."
s**... in Public!!!
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having s**... in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized.
"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
He responded, "Doing 69 in a 40 Kph speed zone!"
An Arab student e-mails his dad
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
a rope walks into a bar
and immediately the bartender yells at him to get out, "We don't serve your kind here!". Flustered, the rope walks out. After some time, he figures he'll give it another shot a different night, hoping for a different bartender. "We don't serve ropes here!" a different bartender thundered as soon as he opened to door to the bar. Embarrassed and angry, he turns around and leaves.
before setting off for home, the rope gets an idea. He ties himself into a knot, and messes his hair up really bad, and walks back into the bar.
once the bartender sees him, he gets a confused look on his face and asks the rope, "hey - aren't you a rope?!"
"Nope!", replied the rope. "I'm afraid not"
Sheikh's son goes to University
A rich billionaire Sheikh sends his son to a university in the US. He buys his son a gold plated Ferrari so that he can commute from his house to the university everyday.
A couple of weeks in, he gets really upset and sends an email to his dad:
Dad, all my friends in the university use the public transport .. usually a train .. to come to university. I feel really embarrassed to be driving around in a gold Ferrari.
Next day, the Sheikh responds: Don't worry son. I've just transferred $10 million to your account. Go buy urself a train.
Two midgets decide to get h**......
They went to a motel with their ladies and get two rooms. The first midget is really embarrassed because he cannot get an e**.... His confidence was hurt even more when he heard his friend in the room saying "1, 2, 3, push!" Over and over again.
The next morning he was talking to his friend over breakfast. He said "That was the most embarrassing thing ever. I couldn't get a hard on"
His friend responds "You think that is embarrassing, I couldn't get on the bed."
Poor Tommy
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "my dads a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my mummy sits crying, sometimes he sells his body for other mens pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom, the teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go outside and play.
She then walked up to Tommy, put her arm around him, and asked "is that all true Tommy?
"No not at all miss. He really plays rugby for England, but i was too embarrassed to say"
Johnny was in class one day...
and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have s**... with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."
I knocked on my neighbour's door.
I said, "I've come to complain about the noise."
"That's really embarrassing," she replied, "Did you hear my girlfriend and I having s**...?"
"I didn't," I replied, "From now on could you please be a little louder?"
A rich Arab student e-mails his dad...
A rich Arab student e-mails his dad and says:
Dear Father,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Rolls Royce Phantom when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Hassan.
A day later his father replies:
Dear Hassan,
Fifty million euros have been transferred to your account, stop embarrassing your family and buy yourself a train too.
Love you, Dad.
My Mommy, the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."
A Saudi Arabian Oil Baron sends his son to study abroad...
To help his son in his life and studies abroad, he gives his son a good deal of money and more importantly, a Ferrari sportscar, as he though it might be a good idea to flaunt some wealth.
Despite this, a few weeks later his son calls him and laments Dad, every time I go to lectures, I drive there with my Ferrari, but everyone else there takes the train, its really awkward as I'm the only guy with a car!
Incensed, the Oil Baron practically yells into the phone Son, I'm depositing 10 million Euros into your account now, stop embarrassing your family and buy yourself a train!
A man is on a blind date with a girl named Marie and things heat up a little...
He asks her, "Would you object to s**...?"
Marie tells him, a little embarrassed, "That's something I've never done."
With this he says, "Really? I've never had s**... with a v**...."
Marie replies, "No, silly! I never object."
Just a whisper.
So my mother in law was in town today, and we took my son to Walmart to get him something for his birthday. I'm off looking at the fishing rods, and my son Johnny is with his grandmother.
I guess he told her he has to pee, and she got really embarrassed. Told him it's not a polite word, and he should say he has to whisper instead.
So they come find me, and he looks at me and says "Daddy, I need to whisper."
So I kneel down on the floor, and tell him to whisper in my ear. And that's the last time I let my mother in law come stay with us.
Jesus relieves St. Peter at he pearly gates for a coffee break.
Soon an old man approaches to be admitted. Jesus thinks to himself..."Oh man, I know this guy from somewhere." Embarrassed, he says, "Yes, I know you. On Earth you lived...let's see..." The old man says, "I lived in a Mediterranean country." Jesus says, "Right, I remember. And you worked as...uh..." "I was a carpenter." the old man says. "Yes, and kids, you had..." The old man says, "Well there was the boy, but he wasn't really mine." Then it clicks, Jesus looks at the old man and cries, "Dad!" and the old man cries, "Pinocchio!"
Paul and two other men want to be nuns, but to prove they really all have no s**... desires, they are put in a room n**... and bells are placed on the end of their p**......
The most beautiful girl is then brought into the room, completely n**... and the test begins.
This goes on for 10 minutes with no reaction from Paul but then the girl comes very close and Paul's bell rings,
Completely embarrassed Paul bends over to pull up his pants as he is doing that he hears the light jingle of two bells behind him...
An old lady goes to the doctor
Says I don't really have a big problem, I f**... all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. As a matter of fact I f**... four times while sitting here talking to you
Dr. Gives her some pills and says come back in a week
A week later the lady shows up and says not sure what you gave me, I'm still f**..., but now they are really loud and it's quite embarrassing
Dr. Says good, now that we've fixed your hearing, let's work on your sinuses
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.
So the doctor she asked "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal s**... life.
"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
High school dance.
My friend James only has one eye and was embarrassed to ask anyone to his first high school dance. Since I'm taking wood shop, I agreed to make him a wooden eye. My girlfriend was an artist and she made this eye look perfect. I found him a date for the dance and he said, what does she like? I said, she's really pretty but she just has fat legs. James didn't mind. After all, he had his share of imperfections. So we get to the dance and James approaches the girl. Would you like to dance? She replies, Would I? And James barks back, Fat legs.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
Last year I entered a marathon.
The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals
My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."
I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.
I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."
Coffee Shop
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my b**... trumpet to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod with earbuds.
A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their s**... life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.
Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.
A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happy.
Three months pass. She's really worried about her youngest when finally a message arrives. It's addressed in shaky handwriting and contains an ad for British Airways. "London to Paris: Seven days a week, three times a day, both ways."
She fainted.
An Arab student emails his dad:
*An arab student emails his dad:*
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*
My dear loving son,
Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale. Bit embarrassed about that.
Interviewer: d**..., embarassed about Yale? You're definitely hired!
Me: Thanks! I REALLY needed this yob.
Even though I'm a nerd, I don't really embrace the notion of complete and perfect knowledge of canon, but I'll admit I was pretty embarrassed when I lost all credibility in a discussion on Chewbacca when I inadvertently spelled it with a K.
It was a Wookie mistake.
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to f**....
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece)