Realized Jokes

What are some Realized jokes?

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.

"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.

He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

Y'know, I was feeling sad after my crush told me that she liked me as a brother,

But then I realized that she was from Alabama.

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Today I realized I have a bit of a logic fetish....

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me.

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

I'm not racist but

I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".





But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes.

Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I was at a party...

I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was sexually assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to sexually assault a girl...not on my watch.

So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye...

It would have worked out, but then I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression.

Then I realized alcohol is a solution.

Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite...

Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother's surprise party.

That's when I realized he was her favourite twin.

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card

Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"

Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .

An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German

Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.

The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,

Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,

It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

I showed up to run a marathon, but realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. I decided to run anyway...

... I finished in 3^st

I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until

I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

And was promptly left in embarrassment when he realized that he'd severely misunderstood the objective.

I just bumped into a mannequin and said sorry. Then I said "Oh I thought you were a person".

Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin...

I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth

I never realized just how much blood I was eating

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

I thought about making a sex tape the other day...

...until I realized it would just be a Vine.

I used to be a necrophiliac zoophile into BDSM.

Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

I didn't sleep so well last night...

So this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I made it halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

I was wondering...

since there are great white sharks, how come there aren't any great black sharks? Then i realized even if there were, they probably couldn't swim...

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam.

It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.

I thought I liked spheres

then I realized they're pointless.

I said, "Did it hurt?"

She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."

That's when I looked up and realized she's actually fallen out of a window.

I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

What did the cemetery worker say when he realized he buried a body in the wrong place?

I've made a grave mistake.

I realized that haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 10 years.

I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

Last night I dreamt that I wrote 'Lord of the Rings'.

I realized I was just Tolkien in my sleep...

When I went to Australia, I was asked if I had committed any felonies back home...

I hadn't realized that was still a requirement to get in

I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine.

It just didn't make cents.

I thought about getting a pocket calculator...

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches...

...but then I realized it would be a waist of time

My optometrist says I'm colorblind.

I should have realized it a long time ago... I mean, there were green flags everywhere.

A pirate walks into a bar...

And it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

Most Fascinating Part of the Body

I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body but then i realized "pssssh, look what's telling me that"

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

I always thought the brain was the most important organ...

... then I realized what organ was telling me that.

My mom texted me that she found the incest photo of my sister and I.

I was freaking out until I realized she meant nicest.

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea

I caught the flu in Madrid.

While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.



"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"



The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:



"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

How to make Realized jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Realized to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Realized? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Realized pick up lines to share with friends.

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