The Best 65 Realize Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Realize jokes. There are some realize notice jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these realize giggle puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Realize Jokes and Puns
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
So two condoms walk into a bar..
.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"
Old man driving alone
An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."
An Australian takes a vacation in america...
He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.
He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"
The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."
The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"
"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...
A blonde goes into a library.
She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."
The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"
"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"
I realized that haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 10 years.
I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
Last night I had to change a light bulb, a bit later on I crossed the road, then walked into a bar...
I began to realize my life was one big joke.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'd rather be black or blind, then I realize it doesn't matter.
Either way, I wouldn't see my dad again
Confucius Say
It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.
You can explore realize dude reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean realize realisation dad jokes. There are also realize puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A British man visits Australia
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
I didn't realize how religious the Japanese are.
Always asking me if I have a pray station at home.
A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road
as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"
Most people don't realize that Iron Man..
Is a Fe-male.
Two jungle explorers got captured by cannibals...
Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other one, "we're both about to die!".
"I know...but I just peed in their soup."
What do Crocs and getting a bj by a dude have in common?
They both feel fantastic till you look down and realize you're gay.
An electron is driving down the highway...
...and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says, Sir, do you realize that you were traveling at 670,616,629 MPH?
The electron replies, Oh great, now I'm lost.
A woman was trying on her new fur coat.
Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.
"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"
The woman looked strictly at her daughter.
"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."
Cop pulls over bad driver
Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...
... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets
Super bowl tickets
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.
An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...
An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Englishman replies, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was still a requirement.
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
Words that start with "S" suck.
Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s.
Boy: Tell me.
Girl: Words that start with s suck.
Boy: What do you mean?
Girl: Well, snakes suck. So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed.
Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.
When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life.
Birth control.
A man enters an elevator of a fine hotel and says "Ballroom please"
To which the lady standing in front of him replies "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...
Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside
Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight
Unless it blows?
Good, Bad, Worse, Worst.
Good: A hot girl hugs you.
Bad: You get an erection.
Worse: You realize it's not yours.
Worst: Now even you get an erection.
A Briton flies into Australia
and is asked by the immigration officer, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Briton replies, Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement.
Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until
You realize you're a healthy young man
Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"
I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.
And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.
I used to think my autocannibalism made me cool.
Now I realize I was just full of myself.
A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.
The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.
I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.
Hopefully, she'll realize the two of us are not going to work out.
Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..
There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise
During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"
Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."
Women say all men are dogs
but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?
Because he was dribbling. 😊
I wrote a book on penguins...
In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier...
I asked my father what it was like learning Braille, but he didn't want to tell me.
I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject.
I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house
I am home, but he was Homer.
My lesbian neighbors got me a rolex for my birthday.
I guess they didn't realize what I meant when I said I wanna watch .
A captain was flying over a mental hospital...
...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.
"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.
The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"
Someone once told me that wearing crocs is like getting a BJ from a guy
Might feel good an all, but once you look down you realize...... Your gay
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....
...if I could just get the right people to try it.
Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I'll run inside and see if they have one!
The other blonde says Ok, well hurry because it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down!
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn't realize it would Zoom.
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
I realized that I can't take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks.
I guess that's the last time I buy a pure bread dog.
George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.
Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.
His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.
Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.
His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.
Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.
I didn't realize how bigoted my family was until I brought my gay black boyfriend home
My parents were fairly upset but my wife was absolutely livid.
That moment when you're afraid you just shit your pants, and then you realize oh thank goodness...
They're not my pants.
You do realize that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.
An Irishman and a Mormon are seated next to each other on a plane...
The flight attendant asks if they'd like anything to drink. The Irishman says I'll have a double shot of Jameson, and one for my new friend here.
No no no, says the Mormon. I would rather be sodomized by a dozen disease-infested whores than to let alcohol touch my lips.
The flight attendant blushes and turns away before the Irishman interjects, forget the whiskey—I didn't realize that was an option.
My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered
3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!
Me: Who's there?
3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!
Me: Fork who?
*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 year old's mouth*
3 yr old: Fork you Daddy!!!!! (delirious laughter)
(for those who aren't parents, imagine how someone who is learning to talk might pronounce "fork you"). My 3yr old lost their innocence in my eyes today. May as well pack them up and get them ready for college.
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but...
...he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
How to make macaroni and cheese
Boil a pot of water, put pasta in water and wait until soft.
Drain water from pasta.
Go into trash can to retrieve box because you forgot how much butter to add
add butter and mix
go back into trash to retrieve box because you forgot how much milk to add
add milk and cheese and mix.
realize you left box on counter this time and throw it out again.
My customers are shocked
when they realize I'm not a qualified electrician.
11:45 Arrive at the crime scene
11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the realize aware jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working realize understand piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.