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Realised Jokes

102 realised jokes and hilarious realised puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about realised that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Realised Short Jokes

Short realised jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The realised humour may include short realized jokes also.

  1. Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00.. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
    Riceless
  2. I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
  3. The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
  4. Accordion to scientific studies, 90% .. of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.
  5. My friend keeps trying to annoy me by using bird puns But I soon realised that toucan play at that game.
  6. I bought 6 cans of Sprite from the shop today.. But when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up
  7. The other day I joined all my watches together to make a belt... ...but then I realised it was a waist of time.
  8. I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise... ... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.
  9. A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon It was a week before I realised you have to eat them
  10. When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike. But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

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Realised One Liners

Which realised one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with realised? I can suggest the ones about learnt and organised.

  1. I once tied all my watches to my belt Until I realised it was just a waist of time
  2. My friend realised the other day that is he both gay and dyslexic. He's still in Daniel.
  3. I was alphabetising my spice rack... when I realised I have too much spare thyme.
  4. When I first realised I was a conjoined twin..... I was beside myself!
  5. I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realised that decimals had a point
  6. I've just realised why I don't like tofu It's literally just a curd to me
  7. I thought I found a mass grave of snowmen. Until I realised it was a field of carrots.
  8. Anyways, I realised that I'm not good at telling dad jokes. So now I tell jokes to mom.
  9. I used to like Russian dolls Until i realised they were full of themselves
  10. On my first trip to the North Pole I realised... ... it's all going south from here.
  11. My Saturday was going pretty well... Until I realised it was Sunday
  12. Now its 2021 but do you realise... Next year will be 2020 too.
  13. I realise I was Dyslexic and gay... When I was in daniel.
  14. When my daughter said she wanted a place in the sun... I didn't realise she meant page 3.
  15. I used to hate Math. But then I realised... *...decimals have a point.*

Realised joke, I used to hate Math. But then I realised...

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about realised can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of realised puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Comical & Quirky Realised Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about realised you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean when you realise jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make realised prank.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.
After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.
Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.
God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.
They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

Over the past year, my s**... fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

An undertaker says to a bereaved husband

'When did you realise your wife was dead?'
'Well,' he replies, 'the s**... was the same but
the dishes just kept piling up...'
from Internet.

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.

They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.
So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.
Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.
Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."

I met up with my internet friend yesterday.

We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom

I saw her driving license. she has an F in s**...

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.
He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."
The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"

Yesterday, I got so depressed..

..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

I crossed the road, walked into the bar and changed a lightbulb.

It was at that moment I realised my life was a joke.

A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realise it's half empty.

The word queue does't have 4 silent letters...

They are just waiting their turn.
EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?

When the Saudi police tackled me after I stole something from the market…

…I instantly realised my mistake when I shouted, "Unhand me!"

You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad...

It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...

The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.
She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.
The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can you please tell me what it is suppose to look like?"
The officer responds: "Sure, it's just a square that has your picture on it."
After a bit more rustling through her bag, she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't realise you were a police officer! You can go"

I was on a first date last night.

We were at a bar and when i looked at her i couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I started to go weak at the knees and sweat all over my forehead.
It was only then i realised, that i drugged the wrong drink.

My doctor just asked me if I knew my s**... count

"Didn't realise they were that clever"

2 men are on a boat sharing a pack of cigarettes when they realise they have no lighter

How do they light up?
They toss a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...

My girlfriend said I believe in you and it made me happy.

But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.

I got arrested the other day for stealing six cans of Sprite.

They didn't realise I picked 7 up.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.

They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.
So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find m**... victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for m**... weapon.
09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

My approach to s**... is like the government's approach to Brexit

I go in hard and pull out when I realise I have no clue what I'm doing

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition.

However, upon arrival he realised he seriously misunderstood the objective.

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

John Travolta Coronavirus joke

As see on the CNN John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected Coronavirus. But doctors soon realised that it was only a Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.

Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend...

***as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian***

A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white

So he went down to his mom and said
Look mom I'm white .
His mother tells him
Don't do that, it's not funny now go wash up .
The kid then goes to his dad who said
Why are you doing s**... things. Now go clean up .
The kid disappointed with his parents reaction says to himself as he cleans up
One day of being white and I already hate black people .

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f\*c**...,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having s**... with the chemist's wife.
"Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the h**... is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus.

I didn't realise they were that close!

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .
Credits to u/Josh1804

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. sign of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.

However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called 'Sound of Wasps'.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn't sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I'd been playing the Bee side.

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'

Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.

A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

They are shown into a room where a n**... woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.
The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.
The engineer walks halfway across the room.
"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"
"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"

My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly, he said, Hello Dave! You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too!" I realised the problem straight away.

Bat flattery

Caught the flu in Madrid on a business trip.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden...

I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

I was going to cook an alligator for dinner...

But realised I only had a croc p**....

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos
It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it here I realised it hasn't been told this way on this subreddit yet either. So I'm claiming it as an original joke.

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.
Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

I've been trying to give up innuendo for lent

But it's so hard, and longer than I realised

Realised joke, I've been trying to give up innuendo for lent

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these realised jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.