Realised Jokes
103 realised jokes and hilarious realised puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about realised that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Realised Short Jokes
Short realised jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The realised humour may include short realized jokes also.
- I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
- The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
- Accordion to scientific studies, 90% .. of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.
- My friend keeps trying to annoy me by using bird puns But I soon realised that toucan play at that game.
- I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise... ... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.
- A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon It was a week before I realised you have to eat them
- When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
- I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden... I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
- Siri kept on calling me Shirley today I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
- I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.
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Realised One Liners
Which realised one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with realised? I can suggest the ones about when you realise and realist.
- I once tied all my watches to my belt Until I realised it was just a waist of time
- I was alphabetising my spice rack... when I realised I have too much spare thyme.
- When I first realised I was a conjoined twin..... I was beside myself!
- I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realised that decimals had a point
- I thought I found a mass grave of snowmen. Until I realised it was a field of carrots.
- Anyways, I realised that I'm not good at telling dad jokes. So now I tell jokes to mom.
- On my first trip to the North Pole I realised... ... it's all going south from here.
- My Saturday was going pretty well... Until I realised it was Sunday
- Now its 2021 but do you realise... Next year will be 2020 too.
- When my daughter said she wanted a place in the sun... I didn't realise she meant page 3.
- I bought a boomerang on eBay It didn't work. Then I realised I bought it on no return
- I am vegan and I realised something sad. I will never be egg-cellent again…
- What is worse than heartbreak? Waking up and realising your phone was not charging.
- The more I speak to my therapist the more I realise that he might not actually be real.
- That awesome moment when you realise... ...in 2020 it will be 4/20 for a whole month.
Comical & Quirky Realised Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about realised you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fulfilled jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make realised pranks.
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...
On the plus side, it still worked.
Somalis at the Olympics...
The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."
at least he tried.
I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive woman the other night, so I asked her,
Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?
That's my business! she snapped back at me.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise, I responded. How much?
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...
I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting s**......
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
The fly and me
I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls are a lot like universities...
I spend hours looking at them, only to realise I can't get into any of them.
I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles
Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.
Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.
They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.
So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.
Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.
Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife was happy today
I came home super drunk last night. She said that when she snuck in bed and was about to tell me off, I said "Go away I have a wife." I don't think she realises I only say that to the ugly girls.
As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters
..until I realised they weren't to scale.
I met up with my internet friend yesterday.
We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.
So I recently went to Australia...
I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom
I saw her driving license. she has an F in s**...
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
I tried to get an hourglass figure...
...but then I realised it would just be a waist of time.
What's more horrifying than finding a stack of dad's playboys in the basement?
Realising one of them's still breathing.
Yesterday, I got so depressed..
..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her
Never realised she liked snooker so much.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realise it's half empty.
The word queue does't have 4 silent letters...
They are just waiting their turn.
EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?
When the Saudi police tackled me after I stole something from the market…
…I instantly realised my mistake when I shouted, "Unhand me!"
You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad...
It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.
I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...
And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.
I always thought I was destined for Stardom
But then I realised my mass was below 0.08 solar masses.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...
The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.
She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.
The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can you please tell me what it is suppose to look like?"
The officer responds: "Sure, it's just a square that has your picture on it."
After a bit more rustling through her bag, she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't realise you were a police officer! You can go"
I was on a first date last night.
We were at a bar and when i looked at her i couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I started to go weak at the knees and sweat all over my forehead.
It was only then i realised, that i drugged the wrong drink.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My doctor just asked me if I knew my s**... count
"Didn't realise they were that clever"
An artist lives next to a Marsh.
Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."
I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.
All this time we had been living under a rock.
My girlfriend said I believe in you and it made me happy.
But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.
I got arrested the other day for stealing six cans of Sprite.
They didn't realise I picked 7 up.
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!
He's my super visor
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.
He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My approach to s**... is like the government's approach to Brexit
I go in hard and pull out when I realise I have no clue what I'm doing
I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....
...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.
It turns out that shoes have soles.
My daughter brought her new boyfriend home to meet us.
He seemed a bit of a gangster at first but then I realised he was in fact just deaf.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.
Then I realised she can't even.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend...
***as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian***
Being a freshman everyone always told me first year would go quickly...
but I didn't realise it would zoom
(im sorry)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f\*c**...,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the h**... is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two dudes are smoking p**...
One tells another:
-Dude, I think this p**... is making me s**..., I should quit.
Second guy responds:
-No, dude it's the other way round, you're becoming smarter and realising that you're an idiot.
The joke is originally in Georgian, this is a translation.
Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus.
I didn't realise they were that close!
When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager
It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. sign of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
I didn't realise how difficult it was being an electrician until I tried it myself
I was shocked
Monster under the bed
Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sleeping in my bed." Jim falls backwards from the shock and comes to a sence of relief when he realised that he had forgotten that he had twins.
I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from
Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've realised that I can speak to the dead
A shame really, since they can't hear me for s**...
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right.
The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.
They are shown into a room where a n**... woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.
The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.
The engineer walks halfway across the room.
"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"
"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"
My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly, he said, Hello Dave! You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too!" I realised the problem straight away.
Bat flattery
Have you ever realised how pretty the second letter of the word hive is?
I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder
Caught the flu in Madrid on a business trip.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.
Then I realised she's at work.
Who runs Mexican Amazon?
Jeff Pesos
It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it here I realised it hasn't been told this way on this subreddit yet either. So I'm claiming it as an original joke.
I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking girl the other night,
so I asked her, Do you always give guys such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?
That's my business! she snapped back at me.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise, I responded. How much?
