real Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious real puns

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

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I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

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Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, At least I have a real friend.

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I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

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I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.

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The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

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I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

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If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

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I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

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What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common?

When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake.

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I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

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New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

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My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

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The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty...

But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".

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Me: Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?

Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job.

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Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

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I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

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I knew a girl in college who would sleep with guys for free Adderall.

She was a real attention whore.

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"You know how I realized I had such a great butt?"

Because every time I would walk away after meeting a group of ladies I could hear them say, " what an ass"

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Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word

I can't tell you how angry I am

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Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

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My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

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My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

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I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

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My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

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A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

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I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

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Why did the polynomial tree fall over?

It didn't have any real roots

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I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me

My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

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What would it be like to have world with out women??

It would be a real pain in the ass

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What are the most funny Real jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Real? Well, here are the best Real dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Real pick up lines to share with friends.

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