Real Jokes

What are some Real jokes?

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, At least I have a real friend.

I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

Me: Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?

Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job.

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

I told my friends I have a girlfriend...

They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.





Well Jokes on them because neither are they

Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word

I can't tell you how angry I am

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

Why did the polynomial tree fall over?

It didn't have any real roots

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents

Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me

My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?

I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.

Also, my parents are real.

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Why are relationships complex?

Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone.

It could have been a real game changer.

1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!"

My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!

I have a stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

This was my grandma's favourite joke

Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.

"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.

There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."


"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"

I have a stepladder...

...because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.

I'm the real part.

I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have put the lube next to the glue…

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

£20 for a hand job


£50 for a blow job


£80 for sex


And for £120, i'll do anything!


Anything hmmm....


She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"

"Africa!", says the parrot.

If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world

The ending would be a cliffhanger.

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.

Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.

How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.

I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers

They can only do it once. Those Hindu suicide bombers are the real threat.

I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

I always wanted to be an exorcist

So I studied and worked real hard to become an orcist. Then I quit.

I went to a restaurant last night where none of the food was real; it was all just special effects.

CGI Fridays.

How do you know a girl on Tinder is real?

When they ignore you.

Son, you are adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! Where are my real parents, I want to meet my real parents!

Dad: Oh, no no. We are your real parents! The new ones will arrive in 20 minutes.

A plane was going down....

A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"

Everyone's excited for the new Minecraft movie.

It's sure to be a real blockbuster

I know April keeps going until May comes...(NSFW)

Because the wall I share with my lesbian neighbors is real thin.

I didn't realize how religious the Japanese are.

Always asking me if I have a pray station at home.

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers.

That's because it's imaginary.

I have a step ladder

I never met my real ladder .

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It's a real icebreaker.

My relationship is complex

part real, part imaginary.

How Can Numbers Be Real If Our i's Aren't Real

I have a step ladder

its a nice ladder, but I wish I knew my real ladder.

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

How to make Real jokes?

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