The Best 80 Real Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Real jokes. There are some real progeria jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these real real life puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Real Jokes and Puns
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...
They would call it crucifact.
A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .
When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.
Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?
Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.
Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.
Cowboy: Well now you have.
Woman: Well?
Cowboy: Well what?
Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?
Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?
Woman: I'm a lesbian.
Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.
Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.
Cowboy: . . . .
The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
harharhar.
My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
This was my grandma's favourite joke
Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.
"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.
There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."
"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
Why are relationships complex?
Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary
I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...
like how she got a job right out of college.
Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?
Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]
1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.
You can explore real hemorrhoids reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean real imaginary dad jokes. There are also real puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Me: Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?
Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job.
I have a stepladder...
...because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because he isn't real.
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.
Judge gave me 30 years.
So I mean who's the real winner here?
My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....
Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word
I can't tell you how angry I am
Our President Elect is a real tough guy...
The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.
The moon landing was staged
The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone.
It could have been a real game changer.
I have a stepladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!
It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.
Why did the polynomial tree fall over?
It didn't have any real roots
I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...
... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me
My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...
its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian
The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...
Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano
I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."
It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
I hate women who lie over the smallest things.
My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.
Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?
Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.
I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.
I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".
"Is that your real name?", she asked.
I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."
I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
I wouldn't want them to know my real name.
1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!"
My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!
I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.
And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.
I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…
In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have put the lube next to the glue…
Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.
And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"
A man is sunbathing on a nude beach
To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.
A woman passes by and notices the hat.
She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."
The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."
I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.
Can anyone here give me some tips?
I was told you guys are the best at reposting.
I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"
"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.
I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.
He keeps saying, At least I have a real friend.
What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?
I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.
Also, my parents are real.
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....
...if I could just get the right people to try it.
My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.
Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
I told my friends I have a girlfriend...
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.
Well Jokes on them because neither are they
Father: Son you were adopted
Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents
Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.
TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.
I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.
Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women's bodies.
Women's heads are much harder to put back on in real life.
During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney
It's a huge act, man..
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
A software tester walks into a bar
Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.
First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.
Trojan isn't a good name for a condom.
Didn't the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?
edit.. thanks for the award kind stanger.
I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.
Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
It's disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!
Yep, child labour.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.
Icy dead People!
I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..
All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist
Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.
I can't tell you how angry I am.
I was today years old when I found out Albert Einstein was actually a real person...
I thought he was just a *theoretical* physicist!
Why Don't We Have a Reality Show Where Flat Earthers Walk to the End of the Earth?
Because that would be edgy
Just realized that the song "Take On Me" was released almost 38 years ago...
Bit of an A-ha moment for me.
A Higgs boson walks into a church, goes into the confessional and tells the priest that he's thinking of leaving the church
The priest says, my son, you can't leave the church!
The Higgs boson replies but I must, I am having a real crisis of faith!
The priest says, you don't understand, if you leave then we can't have mass!
Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
I just realized it's Pi Day…
I guess I'll be circling back here for all of the jokes.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.
The real question is, how did they get in there?
I realized the other day that I've never had an epiphany
I was like wow
What did the bald man say to his hair?
I don't know, but they had a real falling out
I got a real bad tan
Sun of a beach
Did you hear about that kidnapping at school yesterday?
It's okay, they woke up!
But honestly, these schools are getting real serious about nap times.
A kid was recently detained for resisting a rest!
People who use shampoo are dumb
Why do they use sham poo when they can just use real poo
It was getting cold out so my husband asked me for his hooded sweatshirt with the least amount of holes in it.
I brought it down to him saying, "here ya go. The evilest sweatshirt you have." He stared at me blankly. I said, "It's the least holey (holy) hoodie you own. So it has to be the most evil, right?"
**This is a real situation that just happened. He's an ironworker, so all of his work clothes have holes in them. He just facepalmed so hard when I made that joke I had to share. Sorry.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the real real estate agent jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working real real good piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.