The Best 80 Real Jokes

Following is our collection of Real jokes which are very funny. There are some real progeria jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these real letdown puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Real Jokes and Puns

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .

When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.

Woman: Are you a cowboy?

Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.

Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?

Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.

Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.

Cowboy: Well now you have.

Woman: Well?

Cowboy: Well what?

Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?

Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?

Woman: I'm a lesbian.

Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.

Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.

Cowboy: . . . .

The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.

Woman: Are you a cowboy?

Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

harharhar.

My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

This was my grandma's favourite joke

Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.

"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.

There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."

"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"


Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Why are relationships complex?

Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary

I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers

They can only do it once. Those Hindu suicide bombers are the real threat.

I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"

"Africa!", says the parrot.

You can explore real hemorrhoids reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean real imaginary dad jokes. There are also real puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

Me: Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?

Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job.

I have a stepladder...

...because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word

I can't tell you how angry I am


Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.

Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone.

It could have been a real game changer.

I have a stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

Why did the polynomial tree fall over?

It didn't have any real roots

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me

My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

I went to a restaurant last night where none of the food was real; it was all just special effects.

CGI Fridays.

My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!"

My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!

If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world

The ending would be a cliffhanger.

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

£20 for a hand job

£50 for a blow job

£80 for sex

And for £120, i'll do anything!

Anything hmmm....

She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

How do you know a girl on Tinder is real?

When they ignore you.

I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have put the lube next to the glue…

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.

I always wanted to be an exorcist

So I studied and worked real hard to become an orcist. Then I quit.

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, At least I have a real friend.

I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?

I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.

Also, my parents are real.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.

I'm the real part.

I told my friends I have a girlfriend...

They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.





Well Jokes on them because neither are they

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents

Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

Did you know vampires aren't real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

My friend was showing me around his toolshed

Pointing to a ladder he said, "That's my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder."

Why use shampoo...

...when you can use real poo?

My 4yo's first real joke: Why did the clown go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling funny!

#prouddadmoment

Four men are at a bar bragging about how successful their sons are

One says"my son is a successful brick layer and he bought his friend a Lamborghini just because"...the second man says"my friend is a successful real estate agent and he bought his friend a yacht just because"the third man says"my son is a great lawyer and he bought his friend a mansion just because"....their was a minute of silence and the second man asks the fourth man what his son does ...the fourth man replies"he's a gay stripper"..the third man says"oh you must be ashamed I'm sorry"which the fourth man says"not really his three boyfriends bought him a Lamborghini,a yacht,and a mansion just because"

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.

From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

You know where i would love to have sex?

In real life

My wife made up this joke in a dream and woke herself up laughing...

Q: How do you tell the difference between a Golder Retriever and a Dalmatian?

A: You get down on the floor and spin them around real fast. One of them is yellow and the other one is gray.

I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Shit went down real fast

What's a real commitment to dying?

Deadication

Give shampoo to your real friends.

And real poo to your sham friends.



(Repost, because it turns out, you can mess things up even before 2AM)

Boss asked me to buy counterfeit detector pens...

I said I'll just get the real ones.

We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors' donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property.

It was a real ass hole.

I keep reading about all these patriots, draped in bright colors and repeating exactly what is said to them, though without any real understanding.

Did they maybe mean to write "parrots?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the real realistic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working real real cheap piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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