Real Bad Jokes

69 real bad jokes and hilarious real bad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about real bad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Real Bad Short Jokes

Short real bad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The real bad humour may include short pretty bad jokes also.

  1. It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. "It was pump #5," I replied.
  2. Did you hear about the Italian kid who hurt his hand real bad? His mom took him to the doctor and asked if he would ever be able to speak again.
  3. I've got a brother. He's in prison, and stutters real bad... It's really sad knowing that he'll never finish his sentence.
  4. I was already on stage when I realized Take On Me was a bad karaoke song for me to sing... It was a real Aha moment.
  5. Double amputees must be real bad at arguments. After all, they don't have one leg to stand on
  6. Trump's first tweet on his first day as president. Just visited Area 51. Aliens are real! Government has been lying for too long. Very bad!
  7. Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation? It was a real bad after-math.
  8. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? If so, I feel bad for you... that must have been real painful.
  9. Did you hear about the kid who brought a home made watch to school? He had a real bad time...
  10. I spilled a few forks on the ground today while at a restaurant.... you could say I forked up real bad.

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Real Bad One Liners

Which real bad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with real bad? I can suggest the ones about seriously bad and terribly bad.

  1. Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer.
  2. People with bad teeth are the real winners They even have the plaque to prove it
  3. I got a real bad tan Sun of a beach
  4. You know, I have a neat step ladder But its too bad I never got to know my real ladder.
  5. They say creaming you pants is bad... But the real problem is the coffee.
  6. Why is the real estate market in Gungan City so bad? The housing bubbles burst
  7. I spilled a whole case of forks today..... could say I forked up real bad
  8. Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.
  9. Had a real bad Charlie horse the other day Had to take it out back and put it down
  10. TIFU real bad But Pepsi was there for me ;)
  11. I had a bad dream about pizza sauce. It was a real nightmarinara.
  12. Are you wearing Chapstick? 'cause my lips hurt real bad.
  13. Ryan had to go p**... real bad, but the door to the p**... was Lochte.
  14. There's no harm in trying Unless you try to commit s**...,that will s**... real bad

Playful Real Bad Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about real bad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean extremely bad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make real bad pranks.

A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I'll be good for a whole week." He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, "I can't be good for a whole week, I'll be good for five days." He crosses that out and writes, "I'll be good for four days." Then he thinks again and says, "Can't do that." He gets down to one day and says, "I can't even be good for a day." Then in frustration, goes in his mother's room and get the statue of the v**... Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says, "Dear Jesus, if I don't get a bike for Christmas, you'll never see your mother again!"

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.
Some time went by, and the case got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."
Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?"
I said, "I never felt better in my life."

A ship goes out to sea and crashes.
6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and s**... deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting s**... and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets s**... every fifth week and the woman gets to have s**... whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his.

They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.
After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck."
"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."
His friend agreed that was bad luck.
The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?"
"No, that was the first day I had my hook."

A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, s**..., seductive and invincible...
No wait...
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

A lawyer is about to enter a party..............

A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers and has always been attacked by lawyers jokes. After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him. After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor? The man replies, I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS.

A woman meets her friend in heaven

She says Marge!! I didn't know you died! What Happened?"
"I froze to death"
"Oh my God! Was it horrible?"
"Not really I guess...I got real cold, got the shivers, then went numb. I just drifted off. But what about you? I didn't know you died"
"Yeah.crazy thing. I knew my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. He was just sitting there watching TV...but I knew she was there. I ran through all the bedrooms, looked in the closets, under the beds, ran up to the attic...checked the basement...and I had a heart attack!!"
Marge sighs..." Too bad you didn't check the freezer first. We'd both still be alive."

Golf Outing

Four fathers are on a golf outing. One of the fathers has to take a leak, so he wanders into the woods. The other three start talking about how their sons have been.
The first dad says "Well, i'm really proud of my son, he's become a major success in the real estate business and just got a free house!"
The second father chirps in, "Well my son is doing better than I could have imagined! He's gotten major promotions at his car dealership and got himself a free car!"
The last father says "That's great and all, but my son is a wall-street mogul and he got a killer stock portfolio that has turned quite a profit for free!"
The fourth father finally emerges from the woods. They all ask him how his son is doing. The fourth dad sighs.
"Well there's good news and bad news about my son... The bad news is he just revealed that he is gay...
The good news is that he just got a free house, car, and stock portfolio from his past three boyfriends."

A pint, a dog and an old lady

A guy goes into a bar and as he orders a drink he notices a jar at the end of the bar full of money. He says to the barman "what's that about?" to which the barman replies "you pay a tenner and have to complete 3 challenges, if you are successful you win all the money in the jar. Would you like to try it?" The man says he'll think about it and sits down with his drink. After about 8 pints the man staggers up to the bar and slams a tenner on down in front of the barman, "Okay pal, I'll have a go".
So the barman says "ok, challenge number 1, here's a pint of tequila, you have to drink all of that without coughing it up or being sick". It takes the man a couple of minutes but he finishes the drink.
"well done" says the barman. "The next challenge, there's a guard dog outside with a bad tooth, you need to go out there and remove it. After that, there's a woman upstairs, she's 83, never had s**... in her life. I want you go up there and show her a real good time".
So the man goes outside and for about 15 minutes there is a lot of barking, shouting and screaming. Then after a while it goes quiet. The barman walks outside to find out what's happened... The dogs dead. The man who's out of breath turns to the barman and says "Right... Where's this old lady with the bad tooth?"

Jar Full of $10 Bills

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"

Stop me if you've heard this.......3 pieces of rope go into a bar......

The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here you have to leave." So the pieces of rope leave but one of them is determined and thirsty so he twists himself all up and messes up his hair real bad and goes back into the bar. The bartender says: "Say wern't you just here with those other pieces of rope?" The little piece of rope replys: "No, I'm a frayed knot!" (Yes - rope gets thirsty and can talk!)

So 4 guys are talking in a bar.

So 4 guys are talking in a bar, one leaves to go to the restroom while the others continue to talk. They start talking about the success of their sons, the first man says "my son's car company is so successful he was able to get his best friend a new Ferrari for his birthday." The second man boasts "well my son's real estate company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third man says "my son's airline company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a private jet for his birthday. The forth man comes back from the restroom and asks what everyone is talking about, they reply back "we're just talking about the success of our sons." The forth man says "oh, my son is a gay stripper," the other three men feel sorry for him and apologize, but the forth man simply says "don't worry about it, it's not that bad, for his birthday he got a new ferrari, house, and a private jet from his three boyfriends."

3 Bears walk into a bar

I made up this joke in the shower the other day and have been trying to decide if it is a Great Bad joke or an Awful real joke. I hope you have an opinion on it.
A Black Bear, a Grizzly Bear, and a Panda walk into a bar.
The Black bear walks up to the bartender and says, "Excuse me sir, do you have any honey?"
The bartender says, "Sorry man, this is a bar. We don't serve honey."
The black bear says "Fine then! I'll take my business elsewhere!" and storms out.
After a moment, the grizzly bear walks up to the bar and says "Excuse me, do you have any salmon?"
The bartender sighs, and says "sorry man, we don't have any salmon."
Irritated, the Grizzly bear says 'Well then, I'm going to have to take my business elsewhere" and storms out.
The panda bear, who'd been watching the whole time walks up to the bar and plops down on a stool. He looks at the bartender and says "Jeez - those guys. Bunch of Amateurs, right?"
The bartender is a bit relieved as he says "Totally dude. Anyway, what can I get for you?"
The panda thinks for a minute and says "Oh, nothing fancy. I'll just take some bamboo."

p**... dies a terrible death...

p**... died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't p**...."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't p**...."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, p**... had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes p**... with them two arseholes... "

The Olive Garden

I was asking the waitress at the Olive Garden about their Slogan 'When you are here, you're Family'?
Then I asked her if I could borrow 50 dollars or some power tools that I promised to return with no real expectations of ever returning them.
I bet she talked bad about me after I left, because that's what families do.

Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he gets 3 h**...'s...
Yeah it's bad...
But santa isn't real anyways...

A husband tells his wife about the car c**... he got into...

Husband: Hey, I got in a car c**... today. I got hurt real bad, I broke my arm and fractured my wrist. I also sprained my ankle and the car nearly exploded! Luckily Lucy pulled me out of the car just before it exploded. I spent a couple days in hospital but I'm fine now.
Wife: Who's Lucy?

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the f**..., each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
Well, since we're confiding in each other, said the doctor, I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The real estate agent was aghast "I'm ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

It's a real Challenger

When I was first introduced to the Kerbal Space Program, my spaceship kept blowing up. I looked at my friend and said "Wow, this game is a real Challenger!"
I am a bad person.

Blind quality control guy

This blind guy applies for a job as a quality control guy at a lumber mill. The manager asked how he could possibly do the job blind and the blind guy says "just give me a chance!"
The manager agrees and decides to test the blind guy's abilities. He pulls out a good piece of oak, the blind guy sniffs it and says "thats a good piece of oak." Impressed, the manager pulls out a bad piece of pine. "Thats a bad piece of pine."
Now the manager is convinced this blind guy is the real deal but he decides to play a prank on him. He waves his secretary to walk up and lift her skirt. The blind guy sniffs and says "man this is a tough one, could you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and he sniffs again. "You gave me a real challenge sir but i know exactly what kind of wood that is. Thats the s**...-house door off a tuna boat!"

So...Liverpool F.C. sign new striker...

A real new hot shot from Afghanistan, the new wonder kid.
He has his debut and scores a hatrick.
After the game he calls his mum and tells her the good news.
"Mum, Mum I scored three goals in my first game!"
His mum replies..."Son that's all very good but I have some bad news."
"Over the Weekend, your father was shot by a s**..., your sister r**..., and I was robbed whilst shopping"
"Oh Mum I am so so sorry" the son says...
"SORRY!!!! It's your fault we moved to Liverpool" shouts the mother.

what did the person say after he saw his spam in his email

"its just as bad as the real one"

The real joke is in the commas

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation:
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Haven't seen this one here yet

**How to install a southern home security system**
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. Leave a note on the door that reads:
Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don't mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked 'em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back.

A blonde, a brunette and a man with bad dandruff walk into an elevator.

The mans dandruff is real bad, like caked on his shoulders bad. Once he gets off the brunette says to the blonde "He really needs some head and shoulders". The blonde says "How do I give shoulders?".

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

Jesus is a regular at my yoga class

Pilates s**... him up real bad but he keeps coming back

You've had a bad day but...

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
The flesh eating virus barely touched your other arm.
Imagine what would have happened if your ex-wife had a *good* lawyer.
The fertility drugs worked 4 times better than expected.
The insurance company said they will pay the full book value of $455 for your 1966 Corvette.
At least the operation was partially successful.
Don't worry about who the real father is, your son's chances of getting a full scholarship just increased significantly!

So i went to an shop to buy a vacuum cleaner...

And i looked at the prices, one was $100 the other was $99.
I looked in my pocket and i had $200.
But they were too cheap, so i went to look in a thirft store for something better.
When i got there, one was $130, the other $200 and the other $100.
But those were all used vacuum cleaners, and some of them were in a real bad shape.
So i went into another store, this one was especially fancy.
One was $500 the other was $400, but i had no money for that!
I went home feeling sad and angry for the rest of the day.
But thinking back now, there is no reasom to be sad because of it, they all s**... anyway

An American m**... gets lost in India...…..

.…...and wanders onto a farm. A farmer is looking for his dog whose name is Naheer. The m**... has to pee, so he pulls down his zipper next to a tree, then suddenly the farmer yells "Naheer!"
The m**... pulls his zipper back up and wanders toward a rice field. But then, the farmer yells "Naheer!!!"
The m**... walks away, finds an outhouse and opens the door when suddenly the farmer yells "NAHEEEEEEER!!!!"
Frustrated, the m**... throws his hands up and says "Darn! Where else can I go? I gotta pee real badly!!!"

Told in a stand up act by a real woman comedian with a visible disability of cerebral palsy:

>I believe that you can do anything you want to do in life if you want it bad enough. That's why I'm going to be a brain surgeon!
Geri Jewell, comedian and actress

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".
The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
Xi Jinping held a speech in front of the CCP. "Horrible news, comrades, not only is God real, he also told us the world is coming to an end in 20 years".
Trump tweeted "Great news everyone! God knows I'm important!"

jokes about real bad