Ready Jokes
125 ready jokes and hilarious ready puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ready that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Ready to laugh? Here's a collection of ready-made jokes to lighten your mood and make you ecstatic! Get ready to prepare a bedroom full of laughter with jokes that will get you asking: "Are You Ready?" Learn how to prepare your own ready-made jokes and find out how ready you truly are!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Ready Short Jokes
Short ready jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ready humour may include short finished jokes also.
- If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will. No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it
- My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?" I said "Yes, I'm ready."
He said "I'm sleeping with your wife." - "Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour." - They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- I like my men like my teeth, 32 of them, indentured to me, and ready to devour any temptation I have on call.
- Dad, I'm getting married! Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Why?
Dad: Just say sorry.
Son: I haven't done anything wrong!
Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Okay, okay! I'm sorry!
Dad: You're ready. - called the ups office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift they said VR ready
- "Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted. "What?! Really?!", I said.
"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes." - "Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant "Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"
Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"
Son, did you just-
"Yes"
You're ready.
Share These Ready Jokes With Friends
Ready One Liners
Which ready one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ready? I can suggest the ones about unfinished and acceptable.
- You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for Times new ramen
- My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony. I was born ready.
- How do you get ready for a trip around the Sun?
Planet - I asked my german friends if they had Oculus Rifts yet they said "V.R. Ready"
- Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain. Captain: Are.
- I like my women like I like my grenades Hanging around my belt and ready to blow.
- I have a friend always ready for anything.. his name is
Justin Case - Why did Conor McGregor get a Chihuahua? He wasn't ready for a Boxer.
- Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon
- You've heard of gaydar! Now get ready for Bi-noculars
- How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts? "LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"
- Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you're ready to face the reaper cushions
- Nock, nock! Who's there?
Archers ready!!!
Archers ready who?
Release!!! - What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion? They're both ready to eat you
- What did Bigfoot say when Sasquatch asked if he was ready to leave? Not yeti.
Getting Ready Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting ready jokes and even better getting ready puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
- I wanted to become a professional sperm donor I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"
- A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building... She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"
- My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money
- So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland. "Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!" - Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?" "I'll be Bach"
- I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby" Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper
- Happy women's day everyone! It was actually supposed to be held on March 8 but they took too long to get ready.
- After recently getting into dating apps I came to the conclusion that Tinder is a lot like Little Caesars... if you want it hot and ready, you're gonna have to take a hit on quality
- How does Moses get his tea ready? Hebrews
Ready Meal Jokes
Here is a list of funny ready meal jokes and even better ready meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A canibal was getting ready to eat his first meal But he didn't have the guts
- What's John Lennons favourite Indian ready meal? Instant Korma.
- So I just tried my first feminist ready meal... MICRO-AGGRESSION
- What do you call a Mexican ready-meal? Dinner for Juan
Are You Ready Jokes
Here is a list of funny are you ready jokes and even better are you ready puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My now ex-GF said: I don't want to go out. I feel so fat I said: don't worry, you look great. Are you ready to roll?
- I like my women like i like my microwave In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby i put inside them.
- Beethoven (to crowd): "Alright... are you guys READY FOR SOME SYMPHONIES?" Crowd: (*Cheers*)
Beethoven: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" - I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like! [Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.
- My wife is talking about wanting to have children. I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.
- Today, I walked into a restaurant. "Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these salads to table six then." - When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour.
- NEVER start a pillow fight with Death.... Unless your ready to face the Reaper cushions!!!!!!!
- Don't adopt a puppy to see if you're ready for kids Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don't go anywhere.
- What's the difference between a woman and a bowl of ramen noodles? A bowl of ramen noodles is actually ready in 5 minutes.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Ready Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about ready you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean busy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ready pranks.
So God's getting ready to go on vaction...
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
Old Man Keeps the Engine Running
A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."
Chicken for Supper
So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."
So an old couple was getting ready for bed...
...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER s**...!".
The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the f**..., he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".
2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Army commando recruitment - from India
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"
My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date
He sat me down, handed me a c**..., looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."
A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
Little Johnny saw two dogs having s**... in the park...
... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the d**... in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting s**...."
A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...
He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.
Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"
The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"
Dad my girlfriends pregnant
"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."
"I'm not mad, just disappointed."
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."
"Did you jus..."
"Yes."
"You're ready."
"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."
I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.
The category was "Describe your s**... life with a Spongebob quote"
and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.
A guy calls into work....
says he can't come in, he has a terrible hangover.
the boss says "well, when that happens to me, i ask my wife for s**..., and that usually fixes me right up."
the guy says he'll try that.
later, he comes into work, ready to go. the boss sees him and says
"so, that worked, didn't it?"
the guy says "yes, it did, and you have a really nice house."
Mother of Six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife Mother of Six in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, Shall we go home Mother of Six?
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back… Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!
Having s**... with you is like playing hide and seek
After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"
Dad joke heard at the beach
Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.
This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"
I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.
I'm afraid our f**...-friendly s**... robot won't be ready on time.
We haven't worked out all the kinks yet.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
My dad died in front of me
Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.
I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
Women are discussing their s**... life.
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
With Net Neutrality gone I'm finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons
You may laugh now, but you won't be when my pigeons deliver n**... faster than your service provider
My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.
The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It's their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, I'll give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?
A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'
A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.
The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
Why did you ask?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s**...?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"
The patient said "Yes I'm ready"
The dentist said "I slept with your wife"
A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.
The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.
The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.
The next date shows up and says "Hi there, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she good to go?". Again the farmer nods and Joe and Flo go on their way.
A while later the last date shows up and says "Sup man, I'm Chuck"
And the farmer shoots him.
A lumberjack walks up to a tree with an axe in his hands, ready to get to work.
As he gets ready to swing, the tree starts to speak. Wait, wait! Don't do it! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughs and starts chopping away, saying, Then you will dialogue.
My daughter just asked me to call her iPad….
My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. Dad, can you call my iPad? She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied what do you want me to call it? She looked at me blankly. No…call my iPad she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed Emily's iPad over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.
My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"
She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.
Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?
Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.
For example:
Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.
Ready? Go!
\--
"Drive that thing like you stole it!"
One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"
Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.
To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."
I'm ready for a holiday.
p**... says to m**...,
I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
m**... asks,
"So what are you going to do this year?"
p**... replies,
"I'll b**... take her with me!"
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 mins she will be...
No need to remind her every half hour
My wife always said,
If anything ever happens to her, I need to move on, find someone new and just forget about her when I'm ready.
Turns out 'anything' didn't include getting stuck in traffic on her way home from work...
Sausage Factory
A Mississipi Man took his son to visit a sausage factory.
- See this my son? This is a modern machine in which a donkey was placed on one side and the sausage came out ready on the other side.
- Dad, is there a machine like this one, where we put the sausage and it releases a donkey?
- Yes. Your mother.
Golfing
Al and Bob were on the 9th green getting ready to putt just as a f**... is passing by. Al takes off his hat, holds it to his chest and bows his head in a moment of silence.
After joining him an emotional Bob says "What a nice gesture Al, showing respect like that"
Al grabs his putter out of his bag and says " it's the least I could do, she was my wife for 43 years"
One day death came to a Guy and said, Hey, today is your last day.
Guy: But I'm not ready!
Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."
Guy: Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?
Death: All right.
The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list!!
When Death woke up he said to the Guy, "Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list."
