The Best 73 Ready Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ready jokes. There are some ready preparation jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ready tells puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Ready Jokes and Puns

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school

So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money

Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

Ready joke, Today is International Women's Day.

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

Chicken for Supper

So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."


So an old couple was getting ready for bed...

...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER SEX!".

The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."

The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

Ready joke, The morticians wife.

How do you get ready for a trip around the Sun?

Planet

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.

I was born ready.

2 Reasons Why I Should go to School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

You can explore ready ecstatic reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ready eager dad jokes. There are also ready puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date

He sat me down, handed me a condom, looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."

Today, I walked into a restaurant.

"Hi, is my table ready?"

"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."

"Great, take these salads to table six then."

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"

Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"

Son, did you just-

"Yes"

You're ready.

Ready joke, "Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"

The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese, with her spoon


What's the difference between a woman and a bowl of ramen noodles?

A bowl of ramen noodles is actually ready in 5 minutes.

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

A guy calls into work....

says he can't come in, he has a terrible hangover.

the boss says "well, when that happens to me, i ask my wife for sex, and that usually fixes me right up."

the guy says he'll try that.

later, he comes into work, ready to go. the boss sees him and says

"so, that worked, didn't it?"

the guy says "yes, it did, and you have a really nice house."

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife Mother of Six in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, Shall we go home Mother of Six?

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back… Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?

"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

Having sex with you is like playing hide and seek

After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"

"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.

"What?! Really?!", I said.

"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."

Dad joke heard at the beach

Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.

This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"

I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

I'm afraid our fetish-friendly sex robot won't be ready on time.

We haven't worked out all the kinks yet.

So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.

"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"

I asked my german friends if they had Oculus Rifts yet

they said "V.R. Ready"

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.

Captain: Are.

My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

I have a friend always ready for anything..

his name is

Justin Case

My wife is talking about wanting to have children.

I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.

I like my women like I like my grenades

Hanging around my belt and ready to blow.

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

You've heard of gaydar! Now get ready for

Bi-noculars

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

I like my women like i like my microwave

In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby i put inside them.

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.

With Net Neutrality gone I'm finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won't be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

Why did Conor McGregor get a Chihuahua?

He wasn't ready for a Boxer.

My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Dad, I'm getting married!

Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Why?
Dad: Just say sorry.
Son: I haven't done anything wrong!
Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Okay, okay! I'm sorry!
Dad: You're ready.

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

Beethoven (to crowd): "Alright... are you guys READY FOR SOME SYMPHONIES?"

Crowd: (*Cheers*)

Beethoven: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It's their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, I'll give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.

'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.

The man: 'not a single penny'

After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building...

She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.

Don't adopt a puppy to see if you're ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don't go anywhere.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"

"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"

... An old joke in honor of the great man.

Why did you ask?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be.

No need to keep reminding her every hour.

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to be ready to change.

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"

The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder and colder, he spots a chicken, plucked and ready for the oven. He exclaims, "Holy shit! What did you say to her"!

Dentist: "This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?"

Me, shutting my eyes, dreading this moment: "Yes, ready."

Dentist: "That will be $700 please."

A person gets hit by a bicycle.

So this person wakes up, as usual, to get ready to go to work. They do their normal routine: brush teeth, eat breakfast, get dressed, etc... On their way to work, they get hit by a bicycle.

The next day, the same thing happens. Get ready for work, leave, get hit by a bicycle. This goes on for weeks.

It was a vicious cycle.

A Change

An old couple is ready to go to sleep.

The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor.


The old man asks, Why are you going to sleep on the floor?


The old woman says, Because I want to feel something hard for a change.

[OC] Three British people were arguing about who drinks the hottest tea.

The first person says: "The moment my tea is ready, I pour it into the cup and drink it all up".
The second person laughs and says: "That's it? I drink my tea straight from the Kettle".
The third person scoffs and says: "You both are amatuers. I just put all the ingredients in my mouth and sit on the stove".

Probably unoriginal, thought of this over dinner

What do you call a hypothetical situation where two men in wheelchairs, wielding guns face each other, ready to fire?

Well you can't call it a stand-off, that's for sure.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ready hesitation jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ready aug piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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