JokoJokes

Reads Jokes

116 reads jokes and hilarious reads puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about reads that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find out about the new reads and sends book scroll! It's the perfect place for all your daily jokes. Enjoy dozens of wholesome jokes, written to make you laugh. Get your daily dose of humor now!

Quick Jump To

Funniest Reads Short Jokes

Short reads jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The reads humour may include short reading jokes also.

  1. If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called, 'Mark has read'.
  2. If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm– –BODY ONCE TOLD ME…
  3. Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as... "The most violent book I have ever read"
  4. I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
  5. I've just started to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.
  6. My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography...
  7. I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
  8. Me: The earth isn't flat! fiat earther: correct
    me: huh?
    fiat earther: it's the shape of an Italian car
    me: what?
    fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn't you?
  9. They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader
  10. I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon Like whoever created neptune literally read what Poseidon's main powers were and was like Ctrl C

Share These Reads Jokes With Friends




Reads One Liners

Which reads one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with reads? I can suggest the ones about reader and scan.

  1. What I if told you You read the title wrong
  2. Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other… …the NSA will finally read it.
  3. I'm reading a horror story in Braille Something bad is about to happen...
    I can feel it
  4. "Do not touch" Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.
  5. I just read through six pages in a dictionary. I learned next to nothing.
  6. 1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.
  7. My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read any of it.
  8. What did the 0 say to the ten? Thanks for reading my joke.
  9. Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather He can't read it anyway
  10. Lazy people fact #4564321564 You were too lazy to read that number.
  11. Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.
  12. I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed... how could anyone stoop so low
  13. I've been reading a book on euthanasia... It's so good I can't put it down.
  14. I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.
  15. My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography... But it put her to sleep.

Reads And Jokes

Here is a list of funny reads and jokes and even better reads and puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
  • What do Green eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common? They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
  • The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said Can I have a word?
  • If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
  • Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent. So instead, a subreddit.
  • Me: The earth isn't flat Me: The earth isn't flat.
    Fiat earther: Correct.
    Me: huh?
    Fiat earther: It's shaped like an Italian car.
    Me: what?
    Fiat earther: You read my name wrong, didn't you?
  • I've been reading a book called How To Use A Ladder Well, it's more of a step-by-step guide.
  • If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.
  • I saw an advert that read: Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full. I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.
  • Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards... Turns out to be spam
Reads joke, Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Cheerful Fun Reads Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about reads you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reader digest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make reads pranks.

h**...


A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
h**...: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the h**...?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Panda and a p**...

A panda spent the night in bed with a p**.... The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the p**... yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up p**....'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous s**... activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the p**... and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A man walks into the doctor

A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.
"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."
The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."
The doctor retorts: "You're ugly too."

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

A Woman Who Reads

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with s**... assault,"says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. h**... $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the h**...?"
She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."
He says, "Well, wash your f**...' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

When my kindle reads Fifty Shades of Gray to me

It's like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking

Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A crusty old biker walls into a bar..

..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,
"Bless you, Comrade!"

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....

.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.

A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!
"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."

2 potatoes standing on the side of the road. How can you tell which one is the h**...?

The one wearing the sack that reads IDAHO

Eat the watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! "
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "

s**... Math Time

So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!

A dog walks into a telegraph office

He goes up to the counter and asks to send a message. It reads "woof, woof, woof." The lady says you know, for the same price, you could add another woof.
The dog gives her a confused look and says "but that would make no sense!"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...

The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home. Probably more than you, honestly. I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home. But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
Edit for clarity.

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"

A man gets pulled over by a cop...

And he takes the man's driver's license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.
"It says here that you need corrective lenses", the cop said. "Where are your glasses?"
The man replies, "But officer, I have contacts."
The cop glares at him. "I don't care who you know."

Man escapes from insane asylum, and has s**... with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:
"Nut screws washers and bolts."

Found this one on Wikipedia of all places

Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'll mean I'll be lying on my back with my legs spread wide open for the next two weeks!"* To which her friend says, *"Don't you have a vase?"*

A man goes to buy a pack of cigarettes......

The cashier hands him a pack. He goes out and thinks of lighting one up. The pack reads "Beware smoking causing impotency". He goes back in hey man i think you gave me the wrong pack give me the one with cancer.

I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers.

I guess you could say he's behind The Times.

A Koala walks into a bar...

So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs
So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of p**... in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does s**... acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."

Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics?

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.
(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery

...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man"
The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"

Sign at a Brothel

A sign post at a brothel reads
'DON'T DIE A v**..., THERE ARE TERRORISTS WAITING FOR YOU UP THERE'.

Two p**... in a moving truck...

...come to an overpass with a sign on it that reads "CLEARANCE-10' 6." The truck is 11 feet high.
The p**... in the passenger's seat looks carefully right, then left, then right again.
"I say we go for it. There ain't no cops around."

A man walks into his office

A man walks into his office cubicle on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any n**... photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology, he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"

A man walks into a bar.

The menu reads
>Burger: $5
>h**...: $10
He slides a $10 bill to the female bartender and asks:
"Are you the girl who does the hand jobs?"
She responds with a smooth voice:
"Why yes I am"
The man then says:
"Then wash your hands, because I want two burgers"

A Panda Walks Into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up, stretches, and pulls out a gun. He proceeds to shoot everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

A guy goes to a particularly strange drive thru...

The menu reads
Burgers - $5
h**... - $10
A s**... waitress says "Can I take your order?"
"Are you the girl doing the h**...?"
"Why yes, I am"
The man hands the waitress $10 and says "Well clean your hands, because I want two burgers."

A woman is cleaning her daughters room when she stumbles upon her diary. She sees an entry that reads: "I lost my virginitty today"

The woman starts crying.
"How can this happen? I've given her everything. Why did she do this to me? She can't be serious about this. She's in 9th grade for gods sake. How does she not know how to spell virginity?"

An old man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only o**... in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."

To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license.

Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"

There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"

First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.

A man is walking through a cemetery

when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."
"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"

My buddy was really into Beyblades before he died

His tombstone reads:
LET IT
R. I. P.

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:
* Nachos $4
* Hamburger $3
* Hotdog $2
* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3
* Grilled Cheese $2
* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50
* h**... $10
After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the h**...?" "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively. Then says the man, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.

The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"

What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB

One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.

The School teacher sent home a note with her student..

The note reads, Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.
Mother sends a note back the following day, Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'

A biker walks into a bar...

...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

A man decides to open up a business...

Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: h**... - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?
'Yes,' says the man, 'the h**..., are you the one giving them?'
The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'
The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

A panda spent the night in bed with a p**...

The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the p**... yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up p**....' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous s**... activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the p**... and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.'

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?
The man replies, No, I haven't.
The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.

How a Chemist reads the alphabets

A B C D E F G water P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your f**...' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk

The border official reads through his passport and asks: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. There is a small menu on the bar, so he picks it up and reads:

"Cheese sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $5"
A gorgeous woman is the bartender, and she comes over to get the guys order. He asks her "are you the one who gives the h**...?" The leggy blonde flips back her curly hair and silkily says with a wink and seductive smile "why yes, I am."
"Well wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

A panda bear walks into a restaurant

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a p**..., kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out of the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading 'Panda'. It reads:
'Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.'

Next time you're feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has s**... 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

Next time you're feeling down, remember that life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has s**... 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day and reads two books every week yet he always complains how he much he hates prison.

Old soviet joke

The new soviet leader has just taken power.
The former leaders says to him 'I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter .
About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He then remembers the words of the former leader and opens the first letter, which reads 'blame all your problems on me'. The new guy does this and everything is fine for a little while.
But sadly things go from bad to worse, so he opens the second letter, which reads 'sit down and write two letters'.

A sign on a brothel reads:

'We're closed, beat it'

A friend of mine is a veterinarian. He is also a taxidermist...

A friend of mine is a veterinarian.
He is also a taxidermist.
He has a sign on the side of his car that reads, Either way, you get your dog back.

A Frog Visits A Fortune Teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart."
That's great!" says the frog. "But what's the bad news?"
Well, you're going to meet her in Biology class."

Grandma and the Bible.

Every time a little boy went to a playmate's house, he found the friend's grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much? he asked.

I'm not sure, said his friend, but I think she's cramming for her finals.

Life is all a matter of perspective

For example, I know a guy who eats three square meals a day, reads two books a week, works out twice a day, has s**... every week...and STILL he complains about being in prison!

Why doesn't Trump read books?

He only reads MAGAzines

Life is all about perspective. Take my friend for example...

...The guy has s**... at least twice a week. He works out like everyday. He reads a book at least every few days... but the guy is constantly complaining to me about hiw bad prison is.

I have a bumper sticker that reads honk if you think I'm s**...

I usually just stop at green lights to get some confidence boosters

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"

LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has s**... 2-3 times a day, exercises daily, reads two books weekly, but he's still complaining about his life

...in prison

Reads joke, LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has s**...

jokes about reads