Read Write Jokes

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

A young man is writing his grandmother a letter

His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?
My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.
She can't read very fast!

Money was a little tight, so I entered a pun writing contest...

I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.
I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked to play Mozart.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered the chance to play the role of Mozart in a new film. He read the script but was not impressed. So he told the producers 're-write it and I'll be Bach.'

s**... Math Time

So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

Little John in 1-minute Composition

The teacher asked the class to write a composition that involved at the same time s**..., royalty, and religion.
Not even two minutes had passed when Little John handed in his.
The arm of the teacher still raised to stop him, but she stopped the gesture as she read what he wrote:
And the queen said: Oh, my God, so good!

A teacher, in an attempt to get more enthusiasm from her students, asked them to write a summary of a baseball game.

Within minutes, the first one was handed in. It read, "Rain. No game today."

A woman is having a party and sends out invitations to her friends.

One of the replies she gets is hand-written by a doctor friend. Of course she can't read it so she thinks "I'll take it to my pharmacist. He's the only person I know who can read doctor-writing." The pharmacist reads the note, disappears into the back room for a few minutes and comes back and hands her a bottle of pills.

An aspiring writer once said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!

He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.

A little girl writes a Christmas letter to Santa

"Dear Santa, I want a fur coat and a scarf for Christmas." She goes to the post office and sends the letter. Next day the postman reads the letter and decides to give the girl a scarf for christmas. After christmas the postman gets another letter: " Santa, thanks for the scarf, but i bet the mailman took the coat!"

Alpha Kenny Wun

Write that "name" down and ask someone you know to read it out loud during class.

Why can't Ray Charles read or write?

Because he's dead.
If you thought this was going to be a racist or blind joke, shame on you.

Mom writes to her son in Poland's army: "Dear Son, I am writing this letter ever so slowly.....

....because I know you cannot read fast"

Why does the Trump campaign hire people in groups of three?

One who can read, one who can write, and one to keep an eye on the other two "elitist intellectuals."

5 Tips To Improve Your Writing

1. Contractions aren't necessary.
2. Do not overuse exclamation points!!!!!!
3. Don't be redundant, because it can be boring to read the same things over and over again, just restated.
4. Do not appear condescending to your readers. "Condescending" means to look down upon someone.
5. Do not leave hanging prepositions around.

[True Story]: I was following a semi-truck full of coffins...

I tried to get as close as possible to read the bumper sticker on the back. When I could finally see the writing, it read "Drive safely. Yours may be on this load."

I was walking today when i saw a man writing something on top of a lamp post

So i asked: "what are ye writing, mate?"
"Climb up here and read" - he answered
So i climbed up, read it and really shocked. It really said "climb up here and read"

The privileged hangman is a sophisticated fellow.

He can read, write and has a permission to execute.

Moscow cops

Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes?
One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".

My friend's son really has trouble reading and writing.

I told him he's probably quite unliterate.

A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men.

One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook. The lion quickly pounced in the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that reader's digest and writers cramp.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, s**... and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

A man writes a paper

A man hands his wife the paper and asks her to read it. She reads it for five minutes, quietly. Then suddenly she lets out an extremely s**... moan. She then hands the paper to her husband and says it was awful.
He responds how did you come to that conclusion?!?
I'd like to apologize if this isn't original but I came up with it yesterday so I'm gonna say it's original content

There once was a young man who wanted to become a great writer...

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Reading The Fifth

I'm writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: I heard from this guy who told somebody …

Don't you love it when you get beautiful texts from someone that cares about you?

So eloquently written, it ties your stomach in knots. Writing so succinct and captivating it gets your heart pounding and racing. Using words that convey such great ideas. I got one like that one today. It read
"Ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill."
Truly powerful words. They **blew** me away

An essay by lil Johnny

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Why are the secret policeman in communist countries always in groups of three?

The first one can read, the second one can write and the third one is there to watch over those intellectuals.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the man character wasn't likeable...

So, yeah, now I have a new hiding place for my diary.

We have updated our Privacy Statement and Terms of Service

I didn't bother writing a punchline, because you're not gonna read it anyway.

OLD romanian JOKE ABOUT COMMIES

Why do policemen(considered idiots) walk in groups of 3?
One knows how to read, one knows how to write and the other one oversees the intellectuals.

Why do North Korean police travel in groups of 3?

You need one to read.
You need one to write.
And you need a third to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

My friend just finished writing a book called how to make money. But he needs money to publish it.

I told him to read the book.

American School System

5th grade: You better learn cursive, because in middle school; all your work will be done in cursive!
6th grade: Just write print it's easier to read
Highschool: You better learn these core classes because they'll be required to know before college!
College: You have to retake and pay for these Core Classes for your Degree

A teacher was getting fed up with one of her student's bad hand writing-

She said Your hand writing is absolute chicken scratch! I can barely read it. How are you going to get a job if your employer can't read what you write?
He said Don't worry, Miss. I'm going to be a doctor.

Why do cops always walk in groups of 3?

One knows how to read, one knows how to write and the third is protecting the two scientists.

Once Seth low & Seth Teddy visited a town

Where there was a race(marathon) , they participated & it was a tie between both of them , they both divided the prize amount & went on their way.
When the local newspaper heard about them winning , they divided to write an article about it, the only problem was they didn't know their first names.
So the next day's newspaper read "S.low & S.teddy win the race"

Boss: If I knew your writing was so small I'd never have hired you

Me: Well it was on my resume, you should have read the small print

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
A decade later, David did fulfill his dream:
David now writes the error messages for Python interpreter.

My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with

Ourside of our marriage
She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability
Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!
However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face
And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the h**... are you going?!"
"I'm going round to see your sister," I said "good luck getting through to George Clooney's agent"

Cake

Q: Why do people like writing on their birthday cake?
A: Because they can have their cake and read it too!

why do kgb agents work in groups of three?

one reads, another writes and the third keeps an eye on these 2 intellectuals

The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

My girlfriend is writing a book on contemporary feminist literature, and she let me read the manuscript

And I got to tell you, it's— it's pretty good for a girl.

Can't come in

A theatre manager was worried that his headlining act hadn't turned up yet. His assistant came up to him.
"Sir, you just received this letter from the headlining act"
The manager took the letter and read it.
"Dear sir, I am afraid I cannot come in for the show tonight as I have..."
The manager stopped reading and kept staring at the letter.
"I can't read his writing, is that an I or an O?"
The assistant looked at the letter.
"It's an I"
"Thank goodness, I thought he'd shot himself"

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had s**... heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes
\*\*\*
Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"
A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."
Q: "What about the third?"
A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals."

Old soviet joke

The new soviet leader has just taken power.
The former leaders says to him 'I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter .
About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He then remembers the words of the former leader and opens the first letter, which reads 'blame all your problems on me'. The new guy does this and everything is fine for a little while.
But sadly things go from bad to worse, so he opens the second letter, which reads 'sit down and write two letters'.

An old farmer writes his son...

An old farmer writes his son (who is in prison) a letter and he tells his son that he won't be planting potatoes this year because there is no way he can dig up the field by himself. His son writes back and tells his his dad that there's no way he can dig up the field cause that's where he hid all the money he stole. Well, the cops read that letter and the next day the cops sure dug up that field good and proper.  The same day the cops got to digging, the son writes his dad again telling his dad to go ahead and plant his potatoes and that is the best he can do from in here.

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.
One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.
The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

Aspirations

A young boy one day decided to make his desire to become a big writer.
"I want to write things that the people will read all around the world, something that the people will react with a very high emotional level such as scream, cry, get mad and make them suffer" He said.
Now he works at Microsoft and he writes error messages.

My 1st cake day, here's my favourite joke for you all:

Graffiti artist writes on the wall: Person who wrote this is brilliant and person who read this is a idiot.
Dave (you know Dave, everybody knows Dave) who used to walk by this sign everyday got angrier and angrier whenever he read this sign.
So one day Dave got an amazing idea, so that night he went to that wall. He cleared up the graffiti and wrote.
*Person who wrote this is an idiot & Person who read this is brilliant*

Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.

I like ten.

The kidnap

A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.
She takes him to her home and writes a note:
\- If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorrow. Signed, A Blonde.
She pins the note to Johnny's shirt and sends him home.
In the morning she goes to the playground, and sure enough, there is the plain brown bag containing a large stack of bills, along with a note that reads,
\- How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

In the early 90's, a lonely stray dog wanted a friend and got an idea when reading an old paper...

So the dog walked into the local paper to place an advert in the social column. "I'm lonely" advised the dog "please place an ad that reads: *Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof. Woof*."
The sales consultant writes it all down before offering "I'll let you in on a secret, for the same price, I can actually add two more woofs?".
Came the reply from the dog "But - then it wouldn't make sense?"

Hey guys, just wanted to wish you all happy holidays.

Reddit is filled with ready-made messages that you don't even read, you just copy and paste to every subreddit, I don't like that, I like writing from my heart. Our friendship, from the deepest to virtual, is very important to me and couldn't ever be represented by a cookie-cutter message from anywhere. So, I'd like to thank you all, you're the best Dave & Buster's subreddit I've ever interacted with.