The Best 85 Read Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Read jokes. There are some read literature jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these read read this out loud puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Read Jokes and Puns

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.

Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

What I if told you

You read the title wrong

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

Read joke, Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"


"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Read joke, I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Afric

I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

You can explore read wrote reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean read aloud dad jokes. There are also read puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."

I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed...

how could anyone stoop so low

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read...........

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

Read joke, I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.

Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather

He can't read it anyway


Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him?

A glorious reader.

I received an email from Google

It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said Can I have a word?

If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

I saw an advert that read: Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

1984 is a great work of literature.

I think all kids should be forced to read it.

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?ο»Ώ

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Turns out to be spam

I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**

In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP"

"EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

Daughter: What does gays mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er... read me the whole sentence

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Me: Oh

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?

The man replies, No, I haven't.

The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.

The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Did you know too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can't read any of it.

If I'm reading their lips correctly,

my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

What I if told you

What if I told you you read the title wrong

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

A horse walks into a bar.

Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!"

I read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels.

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

"Dad, what does 'gays' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.

Daughter: So what is 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."

Me: Oh.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome...

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!

RIP Norm.

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks Have you read Marx? The second replies yes, it's these damn wicker chairs!

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good homeβ€”you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."

The next day, someone stole it.

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

Did you hear about the man who read a book about anti-gravity?

It was impossible to put down

1 out of 3 people (Oops)

I read that ONE out of three people in a relationship, were unfaithful.
I'm trying to determine if it's my WIFE or my MISTRESS.

Aspirations

A young boy one day decided to make his desire to become a big writer.

"I want to write things that the people will read all around the world, something that the people will react with a very high emotional level such as scream, cry, get mad and make them suffer" He said.

Now he works at Microsoft and he writes error messages.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy, why are they doing this to him?

A family gather round the death bed of grandad, his solicitor arrives as the man is able to read out his will:

'To my daughter, I leave my Kensington properties says grandad'

'To my son, I leave my Richmond properties'

'Finally, as I have the most properties in Windsor and Ascot, I leave these for the grandchildren'

The solicitor turns to the grandmother and quietly whispers 'My god, I never knew your husband had amassed such wealth'

'Wealth!' Shouts out the grandmother 'These are his window cleaning routes'

Embroidery

A young woman went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes, madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"

"Braille," she replied.

Why doesn't Trump read books?

He only reads MAGAzines

Me: The earth isn't flat

Me: The earth isn't flat.

Fiat earther: Correct.

Me: huh?

Fiat earther: It's shaped like an Italian car.

Me: what?

Fiat earther: You read my name wrong, didn't you?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the read read out loud jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working read read santa banta piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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