Read Jokes

What are some Read jokes?

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

What I if told you

You read the title wrong

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

1984 is a great work of literature.

I think all kids should be forced to read it.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather

He can't read it anyway

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

I saw an advert that read: Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

Daughter: What does gays mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er... read me the whole sentence

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Me: Oh

Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Turns out to be spam

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him?

A glorious reader.

I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed...

how could anyone stoop so low

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.


The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


"Can you read this?" the optician asked.


"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

I received an email from Google

It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?ο»Ώ

The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP"

"EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read...........

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says B positive .

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor...

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks β€žCan you read this?

β€žRead it? , the Pole replies, β€žI know the guy!

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

I read in the local paper someone was going around pickpocketing midgets.

I never thought someone could stoop so low.

Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland

... and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater?

This is the most violent thing I've ever read.

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."

His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today

It said: "Pineapples: five cubed."

I'm not sure though, 125 will probably be too many.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"

I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.

It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.

Adam & Eve

The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

I've been reading a book about anti-gravity.

Man, I just can't put this thing down.

Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday?

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.



(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

Happy Pi Day

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of Ο€.

Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?

Me: Not as far as anyone can tell.

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