read Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious read puns

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

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What I if told you

You read the title wrong

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Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

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If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

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Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

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"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

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I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

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I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

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My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

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I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

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They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

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I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

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A readhead tells her blonde step-sister "I slept with 2 Brazilian guys last night!"

The blonde replies, "Holy shit, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

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A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

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In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay sex scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the sex scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

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1984 is a great work of literature.

I think all kids should be forced to read it.

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While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**

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If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

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What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

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Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather

He can't read it anyway

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If we all email the constitution to each other

The NSA might finally read it

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A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

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If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.

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I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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I saw an advert that read: Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

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Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

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Daughter: What does gays mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er... read me the whole sentence

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Me: Oh

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Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Turns out to be spam

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A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

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What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him?

A glorious reader.

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What are the most funny Read jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Read? Well, here are the best Read dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Read pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes